Factory Joke Thread – November 2016

The driver is a little old lady, and there are two old ladies in the back seat.
The cop asks, "Why were you driving just 20 miles per hour?"
The old lady responds, "I was just going the posted speed limit!" and points to a sign up ahead.
The cop smiles and says, "That's not the speed limit sign, that's the sign for this highway — Route 20!"
One of the old ladies in the back gasps out, "We tried to tell you, Eugenia!"
The cop takes another look at the old women in the back and sees that they are wide-eyed and disheveled. One of them is tightly gripping the door handle.
"What's the matter?" the cop asks.
She responds, "We just came off of Interstate 190."

...and says, "I'll grant you whichever of three blessings you choose. Wisdom, beauty, or ten million dollars." Immediately, the professor chooses wisdom. There is a flash of lightning, the professor is transformed, but then he just sits there, staring down at the table. One of his colleagues whispers, "You have great wisdom. Say something!"The professor says, "I should have taken the money!"

One day an Irishman, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten long years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
"It's certainly not a ship," he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from the surf comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.
She approaches the stunned man and says to him, "Tell me how long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
"Ten years," replies the Irishman.
With that, she reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, "Faith and begorah! Is that good!"
"And how long has it been since you've had a sip of good Irish Whiskey?" she asks him.
Trembling, the castaway replies, "Ten years."
She reaches over, unzips her right sleeve, pulls out a flask and hands it to him. He opens the flask, takes a long swig and says, "Tis absolutely fantastic!"
At this point she starts slowly unzipping the long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit, looks at the man and asks, "And how long has it been since you've played around?"
With tears in his eyes, the man falls to his knees and sobs, "Oh, Sweet Jesus! Don't tell me you've got golf clubs in there too."

...and her dream was for her baby to grow up with perfect manners.
So everyday, she would gently rub her belly whilst repeating the line, "Be polite. Be polite."
But a strange thing happened.
After 9 months, the baby showed no signs of coming out.
After a year the woman was still pregnant, and she still kept up the practice of gently rubbing her belly and saying, "Be polite. Be polite."
The woman`s pregnancy continued and continued.
It lasted years.
She refused to let doctors check out the situation with ultrasound and she refused to listen to any advice that they tried to give her.
But all the while she continued to gently rub her belly and say,"Be polite. Be polite."
She finally died at the age of 80 without giving birth.
The mystery of the unborn baby was finally solved when doctors finally opened her up.
Inside her womb were two little men with long white beards saying to each other, "No, my friend. I must insist. After you."

Mr. and Mrs. Brown had two sons. One was named Mind Your Own Business & the other was named Trouble. One day the two boys decided to play hide and seek. Trouble hid while Mind Your Own Business counted to one hundred. Mind Your Own Business began looking for his brother behind garbage cans and bushes. Then he started looking in and under cars until a police man approached him and asked, "What are you doing?" "Playing a game," the boy replied. "What is your name?" the officer questioned. "Mind Your Own Business." Furious the policeman inquired, "Are you looking for trouble?!" The boy replied, "Why, yes."

Pro Football Turkey

The pro football team had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded a tryout.
Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, "You're terrific!!! Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus."
"Forget the bonus," the turkey said, "All I want to know is, does the season go past Thanksgiving Day?"

From Jokes4us

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in details later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor. Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon. The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.'

This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground. MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous.. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate. 'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colours. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

On the subject of Colonoscopies... Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:

1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!
2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'
3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'
4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'
5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'
6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'
7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'
8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'
9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!
10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'
11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'
12. 'Ah, now I know why I'm not gay.'
And the best one of all.
13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

This is one of the funniest ones I have read in a long time.
After having this test two times, I can relate.
The best thing the doctor had to say to me was "see you in seven years".

An old man has been standing in line at the pearly gates...
for so long, when he gets to the front, he can't remember his name for St. Peter to look up in the Big Book. Peter doesn't know what to do, so he gets Jesus to help him figure it out. Jesus says "Tell us about your life, maybe that will jog your memory." The old man says "Well, I only had one child, a son." Jesus smiles and says "Heh, I was an only child too. Go on." The man says "I was a... some kind of wood-worker or carpenter... something like that." Jesus is like "Huh, that's another coincidence. Anything else you can remember?" The man shakes his head a bit and says "You may not believe this, but my son - he was brought to life through a miracle!" Jesus' jaw drops, he smiles, and tears comes to his eyes, "Father?!?" The old man's eyes open wide, "Pinocchio?!?"

Good stuff as always. Keep em coming.

A man walks into a bar, and his head is an orange.He sits down, orders a drink. The bartender eyes him warily, but gets him what he wants. The man sits sipping the drink, idly watching the soccer game on the bar television.

After a while, he runs dry and orders another."Tell you what," says the bartender, "this next one's on the house -- but you've got to tell me what happened to your head. I don't mean to be rude there, but..."The man smiles. "No, not at all. I get this all the time.

Well, it started with the Gulf War. I was a young kid fresh out of high school, but I was poor. I needed money for college, and the Army looked like a good way out of the ghetto. But then they shipped me over to Kuwait. My platoon took some heavy fire during Desert Storm, and I was separated from them.I wandered the desert for days, with only the contents of my pack to sustain me. I ran out of water, I ran out of food.

I was desperate, on the verge of death -- when suddenly, I saw a glint of metal in the distance...I forced myself onward, hoping the shining brightness was a glint of gunmetal from my platoon, or a city on the horizon, or anything. When I finally reached it, it was a piece of metal half-buried in the sand. I dug around it and excavated what appeared to be an old Persian oil lamp.There was an inscription on the lamp, too covered in dust to read. I rubbed at the embossed lettering -- and then, a swirl of smoke and light surrounded me.

Suddenly, before me, stood a ten-foot tall being, dressed in traditional Arabian garb, arms crossed.'I am the Djinni of the lamp,' said the entity. 'For releasing me, I shall grant you three wishes. What is your first wish, my master?'I was incredulous, of course. I deduced I must be hallucinating, that this was desert madness.

I decided to test the mirage. 'Alright,' I tasked it, 'I wish for a wallet with a million dollars in it, that I can never lose, and whenever I take any money out of it the sum is immediately replenished.''Your wish is granted!' boomed the Djinni. I felt a bulge in one of my uniform pockets. Reaching in, I pulled out a new wallet, stuffed to bursting with crisp, new American bills. I counted them -- sure enough, it was a million dollars. I ripped up the bills, cast them to the four winds, and threw the wallet as hard as I could.

The moment it was beyond my sight, it teleported instantaneously back to my pocket, refilled with another million dollars.'What is you second wish, my master?'I pondered the notion for a long moment, assessing my needs. 'Djinni,' I said, 'for my second wish, I want to be transported to a cool, abandoned palace, into a harem room with a hundred beautiful young virgins who will all fall madly in love with me at first sight, before a buffet table set with a feast fit for a king.''Your wish is granted!'

Poof! I found myself in a royal harem, escaped from the heat of the desert. All around me, nubile girls eyed me with keen interest. In front of me, every conceivable type of meat was roasted to perfect tenderness, set with all the appetizers, side-dishes, salads, soups, and desserts of the four corners of the globe.

I dined until I was near-bloated, and then I had a lot of sex. I mean a lot. Several hours later, laying upon a bed of feathers, brown and blonde and red haired beauties nuzzling into me like puppies at their mother's underbelly, the Djinni stood before me, looking down in satisfaction at his work so far.'

What is your third wish, my master?'I thought long and hard. Truly, this last wish tasked the very limits of my imagination, my beliefs, my ethics, my philosophy. Hours passed in silence, save for the gentle snoring of the ladies surrounding me.

At last, I spoke.'Djinni, for my third wish, I want a big orange head.'

Morris ,an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm. A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Morris and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?' Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'' The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said,'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'

A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool.After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?' 'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'

A teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class: "What do you want to
be when you grow up?"

Little Larry says: "I wanna start out as a Fighter Pilot, then be a
billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore,
give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in
Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, an
Infinite Visa Card, and all the while banging her like a loose screen
door in a hurricane."

The teacher, shocked and not knowing what to do with this horrible
response from little Larry, decides not to acknowledge what he said
and simply tries to continue with the lesson. "And how about you,
Sarah?"

"I wanna be Larry's whore."

The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. Then said, "We have reached your destination". The 1st guy gave him money & the 2nd guy said "Thank you". The 3rd guy slapped the driver. The driver was shocked thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But then he asked "What was that for?". The 3rd guy replied, "Control your speed next time, you nearly killed us!"

"This is not working. I'm going to my mom's house."
I opened the fridge. The light came on. The beer was cold.
What the hell is she talking about?

Two Women Are Taken As Hostages By Terrorists. What They Did Next Will Blow Your Mind.

A blonde and a redhead are taken hostage by terrorists.

The women are taken to a remote island and put before a firing squad.

Just before the squad fires, the redhead points and yells:

“Tornado!”

The terrorists run in all different directions, and the redhead escapes.

When they realize what has happened, the terrorists come back to where the blonde is still standing.

They raise their rifles, and thinking quickly, the blonde points and yells:

“Fire!”

Good One!

Could see that one coming

This is one of his best columns. From about 2001, I think.

He was not too schmart!

Dan and Brandon were playing a spectacular new golf course built on very scenic terrain – cliff sides, valleys and ravines.
They reached the 6th hole where Dan slices a ball into a thickly wooded and deep ravine, but Dan was determined to not take a penalty stroke. He grabbed his 8-iron and started the descent into the ravine in search of his ball.
The brush was terribly thick and tore at Dan’s clothes. The sunlight was dimmed by all the overhanging branches and vines, but Dan kept searching, and finally spotted something shiny down below.
As he neared the object, he realizes it’s not a ball, but a golf club. Dan took a closer look only to discover that it is an 8-iron, and it was in the hands of a human skeleton lying near an old golf ball!
Dan yelled out for his partner. “Hey Brandon, get over here, I’ve got trouble down here!”
Brandon hurries over to the edge of the ravine and yells down, “What’s the matter, Dan?”
Dan replies, “Bring me my 7-iron. You can’t get out of this stuff with an 8.”

A sweet old lady telephoned St. Joseph’s Hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”

The operator said, “I can, what’s the name and room number?”

The old lady in her weak voice said, “Norma Findlay, Room 302.”

The operator replied, “Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.”

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, “Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Norma is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Cohen, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.”

The old lady said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!”

The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?”

The grandmother said, “No, I’m Norma Findlay in 302. No one tells me sh*t.”

The Washington Redskins finally drop offensive name:

Dan Snyder, owner of the NFL Redskins, has announced that the team is dropping " Washington " from the team name, and it will henceforth be simply known as, "The Redskins."

It was reported that he finds the word 'Washington' imparts a negative image of poor leadership, mismanagement, corruption, cheating, lying, and graft, and is not a fitting role-model for young fans of football.

I read this one to my wife and she burst out laughing.

Mrs. McAllister had a pet DUCK, Henry, that she was very very fond of. One morning when she went to take Henry his breakfast she found him laying in his pen not moving. In a near panic she carried him to her car then rushed to the local veterinary hospital. She carefully carried Henry inside and although his regular Dr. was on vacation she insisted on seeing someone immediately and was shown into an exam room. In a very few moments a young, apparently fresh from college vet came in, took a brief look at Henry and turning to Mrs. McAllister said, “I’m very sorry Ma’am but your duck is dead.”

Mrs. McAllister had a fit, asking this young whippersnapper how he could possibly say Henry was dead when he had done virtually nothing as an exam, not even checking for a heartbeat or taking his temperature. When the Dr. tried to explain she just got more hysterical so finally he gave in and said he would do something.

Stepping out of the room briefly he returned with a Cat and set it down on the exam table next to Henry. The cat sniffed at Henry, sat down and looking at the Dr. meowed mournfully. Taking the Cat out of the room the Dr. returned with a Labrador Retriever. The Lab stood up on the edge of the table, sniffing carefully at Henry. After a few moments he sat down and looking at the Dr. whined quietly while shaking his head. The Dr. led the dog out of the room and returned. Again he very quietly and with a sympathetic tone told Mrs. McAllister that Henry was dead, there was nothing more he could do. Having had a few moments to calm down she said thank you and asked what her bill was.

The Dr. said $150.00. This sent Mrs. McAllister into another fit, “how could it be $150.00, you did virtually nothing,,,,” When she finally paused in her tirade to take a breath the Dr. took the opportunity to reply

“Mrs. McAllister, I am very sorry about Henry and if you had accepted my initial diagnosis your bill would have been $25.00. But you insisted I do more so with the Cat Scan and Lab tests it is $150.00”……

A woman went on vacation, leaving her husband behind. Before she left, she told him to take extra special care of her cat. The next day she called her husband and asked if the cat was all right.
Her husband said: The cat just died.
She burst into tears and said: How could you be so blunt? Why couldn't you have broken the news gradually! Today, you could have said that it was playing on the roof; tomorrow, you could have said that it fell off and had broken its leg; then on the third day, you could have said that the poor thing had passed away in the night. You could have been more sensitive about the whole thing. By the way, how is my mom?
Husband: She is playing on the roof.

After a meeting several days ago, I couldn't find my keys. I quickly gave myself a personal 'TSA Pat Down'.

They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My wife has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition.

She's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized she was right.

The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all to my wife: "I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."

There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard her voice.

"Are you kidding me?" she barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."

She retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your damn car!"

Welcome to the golden years...

A chemist walks into a pharmacy and asks the pharmacist, "Do you have any prepared tincture of acetyl salicylic acid?""You mean aspirin?" asked the pharmacist."That's it, I can never remember that word."

My Daily Regimen

My doctor took one look at 
my gut and refused to believe that 
I work out. So I listed the exercises 
I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, 
push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot 
in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush

Some 15 year old girlfriends decided to meet for dinner. They discussed where to eat and finally agreed on McDonald's next to the Sea Side Restaurant because they only had $6.50 between them and Bobby Bruce, the cute boy in science class, lived on that street.

10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 25-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because it had free snacks, there was no cover charge, the beer was cheap, the band was good and there were lots of cute guys.

10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 35-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the combos were good, it was near the gym and if they went late enough, there wouldn't be many whiny little kids.

10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 45-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the martinis were big and the waiters wore tight pants and had nice buns.

10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 55-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the prices were reasonable, it had widows which opened (in case of hot flashes), the wine list was good and fish was good for their cholesterol.

10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 65-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because they had an Early Bird Special and the lighting was good.

10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 75-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because the food wasn't too spicy and it was handicapped accessible.

10 years later, the same girlfriends, now 85-year-olds, discussed where to meet for dinner. Finally they agreed to meet at the Sea Side Restaurant because they'd never been there before.

Very cute

Three men die on Christmas Eve and go to heaven, where they’re met by Saint Peter. “In order to get in,” he tells them, “you must each produce something representative of the holidays.”
The first man digs into his pockets and pulls out a match and lights it. “This represents a candle of hope.” Impressed, Peter lets him in.
The second man pulls out a tangle of keys and shakes them. “These are bells.” He’s allowed in too.
“So,” Peter says to the third man, “what do you have?”
The third man proudly shows him a pair of red panties.
“What do these have to do with Christmas?” asks Peter.
“They’re Carol’s.”

A truck driver stopped at a roadside diner one day to grab some lunch. He ordered a cheeseburger, a coffee and a slice of apple pie. Just as he was about to eat them, three big hairy bikers walked in.
The first biker grabbed the trucker’s cheeseburger and took a big bite from it.
The second biker picked up the trucker’s coffee and downed it in one gulp.
The third biker ate the trucker’s apple pie.
The truck driver didn’t do anything or say a word as all this went on.
When they finished, he just paid the waitress and left.
The first biker said to the waitress, “He ain’t much of a man, is he?”
“He’s not much of a driver, either,” the waitress replied. “He’s just backed his 18-wheeler over three motorbikes.”

...just in case!!!!

Good One!!

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.
“How was he killed?” asked one detective.
“With a golf gun,” the other detective replied.
“A golf gun? What’s a golf gun?” the first detective asked.
“I don’t know, but it sure made a hole in Juan.”

Here's a few football quips... (should be at least one that'll offend just about everyone)...

How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. That's a sophomore course.
_____________
If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?
The police officer.
_____________
How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?
There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.
_____________
What are the longest three years of a University of Kentucky football player’s life?
Freshman I, Freshman II, and Freshman III.
_____________
What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?
Drool.
_____________
What do you say to a University of Miami Hurricane football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "
"Will the defendant please rise."
_____________
What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?
A full set of teeth.
_____________
University of Michigan Coach Brady Hoke is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week; He's going to make the other half dress themselves.
_____________
How is the Indiana football team like an opossum?
They play dead at home and get killed on the road.
_____________
Why did the Nebraska linebacker steal a police car?
He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.
_____________
Why do Tennessee fans wear orange?
So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday, and pick up trash on Monday.
_____________
How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch?
Pay him for the pizza.
_____________
How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk?
The cow fell on him.

What does the N on Nebraska helmets stand for? Knowledge

There will never be a zombie apocalypse in Washington DC, No food source.

Only in the halls of Congress.

Son: "Mom can I get twenty bucks?"

Mom: "Does it look like I am made of money?"

Son: "Well isn't that what M.O.M stands for?"

The recent lock-out of the Major League umpires was making them all grumpy. After a tough day of walking the picket lines, one umpire returned home to find that his young boy wanted to play with him. As the tired ump was sitting in his favorite easy chair, the lad kept trying to crawl onto his lap. The umpire snapped, yelled at the boy and boy ran away crying.
This proves the old adage: The Son Never Sits on the Brutish Umpire.

Dick Whittington was investigating warring factions of a Chinese secret society. Suddenly, his pet was taken hostage! When Dick reported the abduction to the police, the officers were unsympathetic. "What's the matter," they teased, "Tong got your cat?"

An oldie but a goodie.

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy. The 87 year old said; "Well, I eat Italian bread every day.. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies." So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, "Do you have any Italian bread?" She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves." She said, "My goodness mister, 5 loaves... don't you think by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it'll be hard?" He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody in the world knows about this Italian bread thing but me."

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out for his first pint in Dublin.

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from our house. I got him a Guinness. He didn’t like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Kilkenny — he didn’t like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought he might like some Harp lager, He didn’t. So I drank it.

Then it occurred to me that maybe he’d like whisky better than beer, so we tried a Jameson, but to no avail. In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland’s finest. an old one but funny

He wouldn’t even smell it.

What could I do but drink it? By the time I realised he just didn’t like to drink, I was so bloody ****-faced I could hardly push his stroller back home.

Excellent !

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa, taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!" says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says.

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

A city slicker wanted to buy a farm. He found just what he was looking for. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees.

He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land.

The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it.

Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him, the farm would be his for free. The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.

An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor guy slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked if he had been stung.

The city fella looked up and weakly said, "No... the bees never touched me - but doesn't that calf have a mother!?!"