Factory Joke Thread – November 2016

Good One!!

A doctor in St John's Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his janitor. "I am goin' huntin' tomorrow Buddy and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all my patients and I'll give you fifty bucks."

"Yes, sir!" answers Buddy.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So, Buddy, How was your day?"

Buddy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a Headache so I gave him TYLENOL."

"Bravo Buddy! The second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had a bad stomach and I gave him MAALOX, sir." says Buddy

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the Doctor

"Well Sir, I was sitting here having a smoke and suddenly the door flies opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table and shouts: HELP ME - I haven't seen a man in over two years

"Lard Tunderin' Yeezus, Buddy!!! What did you do?”

I put drops in her eyes!! 
 
 
 
 
 

Good one ...

A mugger holds a man at gunpoint and says, "Give me your wallet or you're science!"
The man says, "Don't you mean history?"
The mugger yells, "Don't try to change the subject!"

'Holding your belly in is not gonna make you lighter' my wife said.
But how am i supposed to see the numbers?

What is the difference between a beautiful dress and a bottle of Whisky?
A beautiful dress can make one girl look gorgeous...
A bottle of whiskey can make all girls look gorgeous.

Heaven doesn't need lawyers

Recently a teacher, a garbage collector, and a lawyer wound up together at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter informed them that in order to get into Heaven, they would each have to answer one question.

St. Peter addressed the teacher and asked, "What was the name of the ship that crashed into the iceberg? They just made a movie about it."

The teacher answered quickly, "That would be the Titanic." St. Peter let him through the gate.

St. Peter turned to the garbage man and, figuring Heaven didn't *really* need all the odors that this guy would bring with him, decided to make the question a little harder: "How many people died on the ship?"

Fortunately for him, the trash man had just seen the movie. "1,228," he answered.

"That's right! You may enter."

St. Peter turned to the lawyer. "Name them."

A blind man is travelling to Texas. He feels the seats of the train and says to the man next to him he says "These seats sure are big" to which the man replies "Everything is bigger in texas". He then checks into is hotel and goes to the bar. He feels the beer glass and says to the bartender "The glasses sure are big" to which the bartender says "Everything is bigger in Texas". The blind man the asks to go to the lavatory.The bartender gave him directions. On the way he takes a wrong turn, slips and falls into the swimming pool. Scared to death he shouts "Dont flush!!!! Dont flush!!!!"....................

Well, hopefully they were the right drops...but he should have put them in his own eyes...lol

A guy sticks his head into a barbershop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and replies, "About two hours." The guy closes the door and leaves.

A few days later, the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop full of customers and says, "About two hours." Once again, the guy turns and leaves the shop.

A week later, the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looks around the shop and answers, "About an hour and a half." The guy walks out quickly.

The barber, curious, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes."

A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop laughing. The barber asks, "Bill, where did the guy go when he left here?"

"To your house."

George was not having a good day on the golf course. After he missed a 12-inch putt, his partner asked him what his problem was.
“It’s the wife,” George said. “As you know, she’s taken up golf, and since she’s been playing, she’s cut our sex down to once a week”.
“Well, you should think yourself lucky,” his partner responded. “She’s cut some of us out altogether!”

I wondered what my parents did to kill boredom before the internet.
I mean, I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and none of them had a clue.

None of my grandsons share my corny sense of humor. When the family is eating lasagna, I say, “Lean over your plate, boys. You’ll get less-on-ya.” I say to the ten-year-old, “Don’t yell through the screen; you’ll strain your voice.” And when I took another grandson to the zoo, I asked, “Do you know why that snake’s not pressed against the glass? He doesn’t want to be a windshield viper.”
They’ll probably laugh later.

Q: What's the difference between ignorance and apathy?

A: I don't know and I don't care.

Teacher: "If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "No, listen carefully... If I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven."
Teacher: "Let me put it to you differently. If I gave you two apples, and another two apples and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Six."
Teacher: "Good. Now if I gave you two cats, and another two cats and another two, how many would you have?"
Johnny: "Seven!"
Teacher: "Johnny, where in the heck do you get seven from?!"
Johnny: "Because I've already got a freaking cat!"

Dear God, you gave me childhood and you took it away.
You gave me youth and you took it away.
You gave me a wife.......... Its been years now, just reminding you.

Q: Why shouldn't you lend a anthropologist money?

A: They consider a million years ago to be Recent.

Good One!!

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!", says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a hushed silence. "A talking dog."

Arriving at the 18th hole where a large pond separated the fairway from the green, a foursome was shocked to see a golfer so furious with his game that he threw his bag into the water and stormed off to the parking lot.
As they approached the green, they noticed the man returning to the pond, removing his shoes and fishing for his bag.
“Wow,” one of the men said, “it seems he has recognized the error of his ways.”
At that moment the errant golfer found his bag, unzipped the side pocket, pulled out his car keys, and then threw the bag back into the water.

90,000 blondes meet in a football stadium for a "Blondes Are Not Stupid" Convention.
The leader says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that blondes are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer?"
A blonde gingerly works her way through the crowd and steps up to the stage.
The leader asks her, "What is 15 plus 15?"
After 20 or 25 seconds she says, "Eighteen!"
Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then 90,000 blondes start cheering, "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"
The leader says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 90,000 of you in one place and we have the world- wide press and global broadcast media here, gee, uh, I guess we can give her another chance."
So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"
After nearly 40 seconds she eventually says, "Ninety?"
The leader is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened - the blonde starts crying and the 90,000 girls begin to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE HER ANOTHER CHANCE!"
The leader, unsure whether or not he is doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"
The girl closes her eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four?"
Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 90,000 girls jump to their feet, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream... "Give her another chance! Give her another chance!"