This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.
It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.
Please read the forum rules before posting.
"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."
Frequently Asked Questions
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."
Why couldn't the witch have children?
Her husband had a hallow weenie.
Which ghost is the best dancer?
The Boogie Man!
Friend: What are you gonna be for halloween?
For Halloween I'm going to write "Life" on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
This Halloween, the only Candy I'm interersted in swings from a pole and has daddy issues
"Halloween" = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
Thank goodness for Halloween, all of a sudden, cobwebs in my house are decorations!
I'll be your trick if you'll be my treat.
How do Rednecks celebrate Halloween?
When do ghouls and goblins cook their victims?
On Fry Day
What's a monsters favorite desert?
What do you call a Halloween boner?
What do you call a dancing ghost?
What do you call a hot dog with nothing inside it?
Did you hear about the wild party at the haunted house?
The whole vibe was anything ghost (goes).
How do you write a book about halloween?
With a ghostwriter.
I'm going to celebrate Halloween the same way I always do... by murdering a bunch of teens by the lake.
Sincerely, Michael Myers
Two monsters went to a Halloween party.
Suddenly one said to the other, "A lady just rolled her eyes at me. What should I do?"
The other monster replied, "Be a gentleman and roll them back to her."
Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch
Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble.
In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock.
The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister, "When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home."
The brunette arrives at the man’s ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less.
After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news.
She walks into the telegraph office, and says, "I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home."
The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, "It’s just 99 cents a word."
Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that she’ll only be able to send her sister one word.
After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, “I want you to send her the word, 'comfortable.'”
The telegraph operator shakes his head. "How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, 'comfortable'?" The brunette explains, "My sister’s blonde. She’ll read it slow."
Three men die and are sent to Hell. Satan punishes them based on their sins, they must all spend 80 years locked in a room with their guilty pleasures in life. The alcoholic will have all the booze he can drink. The sex addict will have countless beautiful, horny women. And the pot head will have all the weed he can smoke. The three men face their punishments happily. 80 years later, Satan opens their doors. The alcoholic had drank all the booze and was incredibly sick from a hangover that never cured. He pleaded for repentance, swearing to never drink again. The sex addict had not aged, and was being chased by several unattactive, horny old ladies. He begged Satan to let him go as he had learned his lesson. Finally, Satan opened the door to the pot head's room. To his surprise, non of the weed had been smoked. The pot head was sitting on the floor crying. He said to Satan, "Do you have a lighter man?!"
A mugger stops a well-dressed man with a gun to his ribs and says "Give me your money"
The man replies back "You can’t do this – I’m a US Congressman!"
"Oh! In that case," says the robber, "Give me MY money!"
Who's your GHOST writer?
The good news:
I got our son to school on time this morning.
The bad news:
There was no school today.
"What's wrong, dear?" she asks.
"Do you remember 20 years ago, when your father caught us having sex in the back of his police car?"
"I remember," she says.
"And when he told me to marry you right then, or he'd make sure I spent the next 20 years in jail?"
"Of course I remember," she says. "But why are you crying?"
"I would have gotten out today."
A proud and confident lawyer makes a bet with a client. The lawyer says, "Hey Bob, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me $5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours I will give you $5,000." Bob says, "Okay." The lawyer then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?" Bob doesn't know and hands over the $5. Bob says, "Now me ask: what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?" The lawyer tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the $5000. The lawyer says, "Dang it, I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?" Bob hands over $5.
Dear God, you gave me childhood, you took it away
You gave me youth, you took it away.
You gave me a wife.......... Its been years now...
Just reminding you......
A lawyer had just bought a fancy new car, and was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it would never be the same. Finally, a cop came by, and the lawyer ran up to him yelling, "MY BENTLEY DOOR WAS JUST RUINED BY SOME FOOLISH DRIVER!!!" "You're a lawyer aren't you?" asked the policeman. "Yes, I am, but what does that have to do with my car?!?!" the lawyer asked. "HA! You lawyers are so materialistic. All you care about is your possessions. I bet you didn't even notice that your left arm is missing did you?" the cop said. The lawyer looked down at his side and exclaimed, "MY ROLEX!"
Our teacher asked me what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.
My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much.
I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.
Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.
She sent me back to the principal's office.
He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked me to tell her what famous military person I admired most.
I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now…
A man staggers into an emergency room with two black eyes. Naturally the doctor asks him what happened.
"Well, it was like this," says the man. "I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, she sliced her ball into a cow pasture. We went to look for it, and while I was searching around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over and lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was my wife's golf ball stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."
"What did you do?" asks the doctor.
"Well, still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'"
At dawn the telephone rings.
“Hello, Senor Lucky? This is Ernesto the caretaker at your country house.”
“Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?”
“Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor, that your parrot died”
“My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?”
“Si, Senor, that’s the one.”
“Damn! That’s a pity! I spent a fortune on that bird.
“What did he die from?”
“From eating rotten meat, Senor”
“Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?”
“Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.”
“Dead horse? What dead horse?”
“The thoroughbred, Senor Lucky. He died from all that work pulling the water cart.”
“Are you insane? What water cart?”
“The one we used to put out the fire, Senor”
“Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?”
“The one at your house! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.”
“What the…..! But there’s electricity at the house!
What was the candle for?”
“For the funeral, Senor.”
“WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL?”
“Your wife’s, Senor…she showed up one night out of the blue and thought she was a thief. So I hit her with your new Tiger Woods Nike Driver.”
“Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you’re in deep $$it!”
Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot 'round the world.
A three legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
A guy goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, I keep having these alternating recurring dreams. First I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam; then I'm a teepee; then I'm a wigwam. It's driving me crazy. What's wrong with me?"
The doctor replies: "It's very simple. You're two tents."
A Jewish man sends his son to Israel to live there for a while. Eventually he returns home and he is now a Christian. The man finds this to be odd and mentions it to his friend. The friend listens, thinks for a moment and says, "That's odd. I sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian." So the two of them went to see the Rabbi. They told the Rabbi the story of how they had both sent their sons to Israel as Jews, and how both sons had returned as Christians. The Rabbi listened, thought for a minute and then said "That's odd. I also sent my son to Israel as a Jew and he returned as a Christian. So the three of them decide to go to Israel to find out what's going on over there. The arrive and go straight to the Western Wall to pray. They explain to God all about how they sent their sons to Israel as Jews and how the all returned as Christians. There is a long silence, and then God begins to speak saying, "That's odd :
The Cocoa is a tree from which a nut is harvested, The nut contains beans which are made into cocoa powder and chocolate. Therefore, chocolate is a fruit and should be eaten every day.
while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist.
Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown Malbay, in County Clare, to get him to paint their likenesses.
One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, and she was willing to pay up to 10,000 pounds.
Not wanting to get into any marital strife, he asked her to wait while he went into the house to confer with Mary, his wife. They talked much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it. It was hard to make the decision but finally his wife agreed, on one condition. In a few minutes he returned.
"T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus," he said "The wife says it's okay. "I'll paint you in the nude all right; but I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes."
A 68 year old woman told her friend over a bingo game that she wanted to have a baby. Her friend, in reasonable disbelief, laughed at her.
The 68 year old woman retorted, "Well, I have the apparatus to and with today's technology, I can have a baby."
And she did just that. She got pregnant and had a baby boy. Her friend, shocked and sorry for mocking her, went over to visit. "I came over to see your baby with my own eyes because--I am sorry--but I have trouble believing it."
The now 69 year old woman replied, "Ok, just sit down, relax and have a cup of coffee."
Her friend confused asked, "Why?"
The 69 year old woman calmly responded, "Just wait til he cries."
Her friend impatiently asked, "Why can't you show me him now?!"
The 69 year old woman replied, "I don't remember where I put him."
A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said "I wish you could talk." The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer. Again, the monkey shook his head up and down."Well, did you see this?""Yes," motioned the monkey."What happened?"The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth."They were drinking?" asked the officer."Yes.""What else?"The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth."They were smoking marijuana?""Yes.""What else?"The monkey motioned "Screwing.""They were screwing, too?" asked the astounded officer."Yes." "Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and screwing before they wrecked.""Yes.""What were you doing during all this?""Driving" motioned the monkey.
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can't believe what he just saw. He's more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, "How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we're hundreds of feet above the ground!"
The jumper responds by slurring, "Well, I don't get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch." He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn't slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. "You're really an a$$hole when you're drunk, Superman."
A very old golfer had been playing golf whenever possible for over 78 years.
On a particularly beautiful Saturday in the fall, there had been no exception. He was out early and played his 18 holes. Directly after golf, he attended his great-grandson’s wedding. During the wedding reception, he was conversing with his great-grandson, giving advice on having a happy marriage and a great life.
After a while the young groom said “Grandfather, what’s it like making love when you reach your age?”
The old golfer couldn’t help but use an analogy from his favorite game.
“Well, its kind of like putting with a rope,” he said.
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation's driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can't see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, "Guns don't kill people. I do."
Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too ____-faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I'd probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave "hello" if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
And then it started...lol
The Bureau of
Catastrophes wishes to
inform you that all the
elastic in your underwear
is scheduled to break at
the same time on Thursday
at 10 a.m.!
I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for daily sex.
But the wife insists it says its for Dyslexia.
A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, 'Everyone who thinks they're stupid, stand up!' After a few seconds, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, 'Do you think you're stupid, Larry?' 'No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!'
Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. 'Why do you do that, mommy?' he asked. 'To make myself beautiful,' said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue. 'What's the matter, asked Larry 'Giving up?'
The math teacher saw that Larry wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him and said, 'Larry! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?' Larry quickly replied, 'NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!'
Larry's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Larry asked, "Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture ? "
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, 'Dad, why are you doing that?' His father replied, 'Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy. Larry, looking worried, said, 'Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom .....
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him.
Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "that new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?"
The man replies, "all I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious... Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything - meat, toast, fish, vegtables, everything."
"Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome."
"Why chrome?" asks the patient.
To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"
After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?' To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...
A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bit..es who want to get off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all you sons of bit..es who are returning and want to get on, get your asses on the train now, cause we're going down the tracks!"
The mother went into the living room and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go to your room and stay there for two hours. When you come out, you may go back and play with your train, but only if you use nice language."
Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom, and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She heard the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember that there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
Then, the child added, "And for those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, see the bit.h in the kitchen."
A guy and a girl meet at a bar.
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says, "You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says, "Yes .... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy," she replies. "You keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says, "You must be a really good dentist."
The guy, now with an inflated ego, says, "Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"The girl replies....
"I didn't feel a thing."
A golfer hit his ball into a ravine.
His buddies heard `whack, whack, whack’ on and on, until finally he got the ball out.
His buddy asked, “How many strokes did it take you to get out of there?”
He said, “Three”.
But his buddy said, “I heard seven.”
His reply was, “Four of them were echoes.”
Instead of giving a politician the keys to the city, it might be
better to change the locks.
She went to visit her, and found her propped up in bed with bandages over both her ears.
"What in the world happened to you?" she asked.
"It was the craziest thing," said the blonde. "I was ironing clothes when the phone rang. Without thinking I held the iron up to my ear and said 'hello?'"
"But what happened to your other ear?"
"I had to call the ambulance, didn't I?"
After spending several hours wandering through the woods, Bob and Jim are thoroughly lost. Disorientated, they sit down to discuss what to do next. "Hey, I have an idea," says Bob. "If we each fire three shots into the air, someone will hear them and come to help us."
Jim agrees, so each of them fires their shots. An hour later, nobody has come to help, so they decide to fire three more shots. Another hour passes - still no one.
"Okay lets try this one more time" says Bob.
"Dude, this had better work," replies Jim. "These are our last arrows".
After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”
“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.
“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”
What did the Tin Man say when he got run over by a steamroller?
“Curses! Foil again!”
As we waited for a bus in the frosty weather, the woman next to me mentioned that she makes a lot of mistakes when texting in the cold.
I nodded knowingly. “It’s the early signs of typothermia.”
I think I know those hunters.
A family of mice are sitting around in the lounge. Father mouse is reading the paper while mother and the children are watching television. All of a sudden a cat rushes in. Father mouse gets a terrible fright and starts barking like a dog. The cat runs away. Turning to the rest of his family, father mouse says, “Now you see how important it is to learn a second language.”
From RV Newsletter
A group of 12 women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember.
The women were then told to take out their cellphones and text their husband: "I love you, sweetheart."
Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with another woman and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.
Below are 12 actual hilarious replies from their husbands.
If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love. Who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?
1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the hell did you do now?
7. Are you sure this is for me?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?
He ask the clerk:"How strong is the effect of this laxative?"
The clerk says:"There is a public toilet 50 steps away from this store, if you take the laxative now, exits the store and run straight there, as you sit down on a toilet your poops will be pouring out."
The old man seem satisfied, he bought the laxative, took it and exits the store.
After 5 minutes, he returned to the store.
The clerk asked:"What happened? It didn't work?."
The old man answered:"No, it works fine. I am just here to tell you the public toilet is actually 52 steps away."
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