Factory Joke Thread – December 2016

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

Please read the forum rules before posting.

"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."

~Angela

Related links

See also

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Men

Men have feelings too. For example, we feel hungry.

Way of things

-Stealing someone's coffee is called mugging.

-Pasteurize: Too far to see.

-Whoever invented "Knock-Knock" jokes should get a no-bell prize.

-The other day I held the door open for a clown. It was a nice jester.

-No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

-Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

-I put my grandma on speed dial. I call that instagram.

If a husband...

Hey, I have a question for all you husbands out there.

If a husband speaks and there are no wives to hear, is he still wrong?

Phil

--
Phil in Mentor, Ohio -- Garmin Nuvi 1450

He dies in a bar

A regular at a local bar is drinking heavily one night, and expectedly has a heart attack and dies.
The patrons are dismayed. They know someone’s got to call his wife, but no one feels up to the task.
The drunk at the end of the bar unexpectedly says he’ll do it, and he picks up the phone.
“Hello, is this Mrs Jamison? Ma'am…I have some good news, and some bad news for you”
“What’s that?” She asks suspiciously
“The bad news is your husband lost $20,000 to me playing poker.”
“What!” She screams. “I’m going to kill him!”
The drunk replies “Well, that’s the good news

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The cat in the bar

guy walks into a bar wearing a Browns jersey and carrying a cat that also has a Browns jersey on with a little Browns helmet on his head, too.
The guy says to the bartender, "Can my cat and I watch the Browns game here? My TV at home is broke, and my cat and I always watch the game together."
The bartender replies, "Normally, cats wouldn't be allowed in the bar, but it's not very busy in here right now, so you and the cat can have a seat at the end of the bar. But, if there's any trouble with you or the cat, I'll have to ask you to leave"
The guy agrees, and he and his cat start watching the game. Pretty soon the Browns kick a field goal and the excited cat jumps up on the bar and walks down the bar and gives everyone a high five.
The bartender says, "Hey, that's pretty cool! What does he do for a touchdown?"
The guys answers, "I don't know, I've only had him for 2 years.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A blonde was taking helicopter lessons...

A blonde was taking helicopter lessons and she was finally ready to try it on her own. The instructor told her to radio him every 1000 feet to make sure everything was okay.
At 1000 feet she radioed him, "Everything is fine."
At 2000 feet she radioed him, "Everything is fine, just getting a little cold."
But before she reached 3000 feet the helicopter began to slowly come down. It crashed into the ground ruining the helicopter, but the blonde was fine. The instructor ran to her side to comfort her, "What happened?"
She replied, "I told you it was getting cold. So I shut off the giant fan.”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The Panda Patron

A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the check, he pulls out a gun, fires it several times, then walks out the door.

A stunned patron then asks the waiter, "What was that all about?" The waiter responded, "That's just the way pandas are," and walked away.

Well, the patron didn't know what a panda was, so at home that night he looks up "panda" in the dictionary and what he finds explained everything:

"Panda: A large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China; eats shoots and leaves."

Good Stuff As Always

Love this thread!

A boy was sitting in a bus eating chocolate

A boy was sitting in a bus eating chocolate. The elderly man next to him asked him...
Man : If you eat chocolates young lad, you will spoil your teeth.
Boy : My grandfather lived 110 years.
Man : By eating chocolate?
Boy : No. By minding his own business.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Child to Santa

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, "And what would you like for Christmas?" 
The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, "Didn't you get my E-mail?"

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

ha

funny

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Old Golfer

A rich old man goes for his regular round of golf with his friends but this time he brings along a gorgeous young lady.
“Guys, meet my new fiancée” he says, full of pride as he introduces her to his pals.
For the rest of the afternoon his friends can’t take their eyes off the stunning beauty.
After the round of golf the rich man goes up to the bar to buy drinks for the group.
One of his friends goes with him and when at the bar asks him, “How on earth did you manage to hook up with such a beautiful young lady? You’re seventy. She must be at least fourty years younger than you!”
The old rich guy says, “I lied about my age.”
His friend says, “And she believed you? How old did you say you were?”
“I told her I was ninety.”

The cat's meow

Timantide wrote:

guy walks into a bar wearing a Browns jersey and carrying a cat that also has a Browns jersey on with a little Browns helmet on his head, too.
The guy says to the bartender, "Can my cat and I watch the Browns game here? My TV at home is broke, and my cat and I always watch the game together."
The bartender replies, "Normally, cats wouldn't be allowed in the bar, but it's not very busy in here right now, so you and the cat can have a seat at the end of the bar. But, if there's any trouble with you or the cat, I'll have to ask you to leave"
The guy agrees, and he and his cat start watching the game. Pretty soon the Browns kick a field goal and the excited cat jumps up on the bar and walks down the bar and gives everyone a high five.
The bartender says, "Hey, that's pretty cool! What does he do for a touchdown?"
The guys answers, "I don't know, I've only had him for 2 years.

That's a great one!

--
Freedom isn't free...thank you veterans! Heard about the tests to detect PANCREATIC CANCER? There aren't any! In Memoriam: #77 NYPD-SCA/Seattle Mike/Joe S./Vinny D./RTC...and God bless Donald Trump!

0-12

Timantide wrote:

guy walks into a bar wearing a Browns jersey and carrying a cat that also has a Browns jersey on with a little Browns helmet on his head, too.
The guy says to the bartender, "Can my cat and I watch the Browns game here? My TV at home is broke, and my cat and I always watch the game together."
The bartender replies, "Normally, cats wouldn't be allowed in the bar, but it's not very busy in here right now, so you and the cat can have a seat at the end of the bar. But, if there's any trouble with you or the cat, I'll have to ask you to leave"
The guy agrees, and he and his cat start watching the game. Pretty soon the Browns kick a field goal and the excited cat jumps up on the bar and walks down the bar and gives everyone a high five.
The bartender says, "Hey, that's pretty cool! What does he do for a touchdown?"
The guys answers, "I don't know, I've only had him for 2 years.

Perfect as the Browns are currently 0-12 for the season. D'Oh! Hard to believe any team is doing worse than the 49'ers. Talk about a joke! rolleyes

--
GPSMAP 76CSx - nüvi 760 - nüvi 200 - GPSMAP 78S

Two old men had been best friends for years...

Two old men had been best friends for years...
...and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in heaven." The dying man said, "We've been friends for years, this I'll do for you." And then he dies. A couple days later, his surviving friend is sleeping when he hears his friend's voice. The voice says, "I've got some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there's baseball in heaven." "What's the bad news?" "The bad news is that you're pitching on Wednesday."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Guardian Angel

A man was walking by a construction site when he heard a woman yell "STOP!!!" The man stopped abruptly, and seconds later a brick fell and landed in his path. He looked around but saw no trace of the woman whose voice he heard.
A day or two after that, he was driving to work. In the midst of the blazing music in the car he heard the same voice yell even louder "STOP!!!" He screeched on the brakes. A huge truck breezed past the front of his car from an intersection.
He couldn't have heard the woman's voice in his car so acknowledging a divine intervention he went to the church to seek answers. An angel manifested from one of the frescoes.
"Who are you?" asked the man. "I am your guardian angel, It is my duty to protect you from harm's way. Since your birth it is me who has been intervening on your behalf against all peril" the angel replied. Then seeing the dumbfounded look on his face said, "I imagine you have some questions for me."
"You bet I do," the man said. "Where were you on my wedding day?"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Christmas Shopping

Bob and Sue were in a local shopping center just before Christmas.
Sue suddenly noticed that Bob was missing, and as they had a lot to do, she called him on his cell phone. Sue asked, "Bob, where are you? You know we have lots to do."
Bob said, "Do you remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with a diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you."
Little tears started to flow down Sue’s cheek, and she got all choked up. "Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.
"Well, I'm at the Hooters next to that."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A Nun on the Front

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, “Please, may I hide under your skirt. I’ll explain later.”

The nun agreed… A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?” The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, sister. You see, I don’t want to go to Syria.”

The nun said, “I understand completely.”

The soldier added, “I hope I’m not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!”

The nun replied, “If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen another ‘great pair.’ I don’t want to go to Syria either.”

Good One

Good One

Three old men

Three men were discussing aging at the nursing home
"Sixty is the worst age to be," said the 60-year-old. You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time, you stand at the toilet and nothing comes out!"
"Ah, that's nothin'," said the 70-year-old. "When you're seventy, you can't even crap anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothin' comes out!"
"Actually," said the 80-year-old, "Eighty is the worst age of all."
"Do you have trouble peeing too?" asked the 60-year-old.
"No, not really. I pee every morning at 6:00. I pee like a racehorse on a flat rock; no problem at all."
"Do you have trouble crapping?"
"No, I crap every morning at 6:30."
With great exasperation, the 60-year-old said, "Let me get this straight. You pee every morning at 6:00 and crap every morning at 6:30. So what's so tough about being 80?"
"I don't wake up until 7:00."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Things to think about while waiting for your wife

Things to think about while waiting for your wife...

When they get married, the woman is thinking that from now on they can go on dates all the time. The man is thinking the exact opposite.

It's difficult for me to anticipate what women are going to do or say because I find they think differentlly. And more often.

As she gets older, your wife may start losing her short-term memory. This will ultimately save your marriage.

Women have higher pain thresholds. A man could never survive chilbirth or a bikini wax.

Wives expect husbands to be good at sex, but they're not allowed to practice.

We're supposed to be able to find the G-spot. We can't even find the jar of pickles in the fridge and we put it in there.

Your first exposure to a naked woman is like opening the hood of a hybrid. You don't see anything there that you recognize.

If your wife is going through menopause, don't buy her a bathing suit and use her to heat the pool.

Dog in a plane.

  A man had just settled into his seat next to the
window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle
seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat
next to the man.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog
and asked why the dog was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was from the
Police Drugs Enforcement Agency and that the dog was a
'sniffing dog'.

'His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is.
I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work.'

The plane took off, and once it has levelled
out, the Policeman said, 'Watch this.'

He told Sniffer to 'search'.

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and
finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several
seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw
on the policeman's arm.

The Policeman said, 'Good boy', and he turned to
the man and said, 'That woman is in possession of marijuana,
I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities
will apprehend her when we land.

'Gee, that's pretty good,' replied the first man.

Once again, the Policeman sent Sniffer to search
the aisles ..

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for
a few seconds, returned to its seat, and this time he placed
two paws on the agent's arm.

The Policeman said, 'That man is  carrying
cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for
the police.'

'I like it!' said  his seat mate.

The Policeman  then told Sniffer to 'search'
again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a
little while, sat down for a  moment, and then came racing
back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded
to poop on the seat.

The first man was really disgusted by this
behaviour and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained
dog would behave like that. So he asked the Policeman,
'What's going on?'

The Policeman nervously replied, 'He's just
found a bomb.'

--
GPSmap76Cx handheld, Nuvi 2557LMT, Nuvfi 2598LMTHD

Feature of a Elevator

Feature of a Elevator

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked his Father what this was and the father (never having seen an elevator) replied, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an oversized older lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and an extremely attractive 24 year old woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young blonde, said quietly to his son, "Go get your mother."

Smartest Lawyer in World

So there was a plane and in that plane was 4 people a Pilot,Lawyer,Priest, and a kid. The plane is going down and fast but there was only 3 parachutes so the pilot says "I have a family and a daughter that is expecting" he grabs a parachute and jumps off the plane.

The lawyer says "well I'm the smartest man on earth so I have to live" he grabs a parachute and jumps off. So now there is only 1 parachute left the Priest notices this and tells the kid " Son go ahead take the last one I have lived my life"

The boy looks around the plane and says "wait we can both live" the priest says " well how can that be?", the boy says " because the smartest man in the world just jumped off with my backpack.

Great!

Great.

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells him, "You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it, and it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia, and I'm in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for me self."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars take notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
The Irishman looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just that m’ wife had us join that Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking. But it hasn't affected me brothers, though."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

NICE!

kurzemnieks wrote:

Men have feelings too. For example, we feel hungry.

Winning!!!!

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin ...

Heard it before but unny each time ... smile

--
Nuvi 2460

He's going to be a very disappointed cat...lol

Timantide wrote:

guy walks into a bar wearing a Browns jersey and carrying a cat that also has a Browns jersey on with a little Browns helmet on his head, too.
The guy says to the bartender, "Can my cat and I watch the Browns game here? My TV at home is broke, and my cat and I always watch the game together."
The bartender replies, "Normally, cats wouldn't be allowed in the bar, but it's not very busy in here right now, so you and the cat can have a seat at the end of the bar. But, if there's any trouble with you or the cat, I'll have to ask you to leave"
The guy agrees, and he and his cat start watching the game. Pretty soon the Browns kick a field goal and the excited cat jumps up on the bar and walks down the bar and gives everyone a high five.
The bartender says, "Hey, that's pretty cool! What does he do for a touchdown?"
The guys answers, "I don't know, I've only had him for 2 years.

Trooper Talk

These are actual comments made by South Carolina Troopers that were taken off their car videos:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you." (LOVE IT)

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." (National Crime Information Center)

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....
16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Practice

Old Joe was playing golf all alone as he stood on the 150-yard par-3 9th hole. Just as Joe approached the tee a voice from the heavens said, “Joe, use a new ball.”
Joe looked around and not a soul was in view, so he put a brand new ball on the tee.
Before he could take his shot the same voice called, “Joe, take a practice swing.”
Joe obeyed and swung as hard as he could, slightly off balance at the end.
The same voice called one last time, “Joe, use that old ball.”

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went camping

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip.
After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute.
"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies, and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke.
"It tells me that someone has stolen our tent."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Coffee

As soon as the stewardess serves coffee, the aircraft encounters turbulence. Therefor serving coffee on aircraft causes turbulence.

Forward and Backward

Girl: Ah, finally. This is the moment!
Boy: Will you leave me?
Girl: Nah!
Boy: Do you love me?
Girl: Yes, a lot!
Boy: Have you ever cheated on me?
Girl: No, why are you asking this?
Boy: Will you kiss me?
Girl: Every time i get the chance!
Boy:Will you ever hit me?
Girl: Are you crazy?! Of course not!
Boy: Can i trust you?
Girl: Yes.
Boy: Darling.
Now read it all backwards!

An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the Satellite dish and now they get hundreds of high def channels. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy and enjoying umbrella drinks. He asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him upstairs immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him." God demands, "If you don't send him to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "Where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Captured by terrorists in Iraq

A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Iraq and brought to the terrorists' camp.
The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.
The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”
The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger & fries. The reporter ate it and said “Now, I can die.”
The BBC Reporter said, "I’m a reporter to the end. I want to take out my tape recorder and describe the scene here and what’s about to happen. Maybe someday someone will hear it and know that I was on the job till the end.”
The ISIS leader directed an aide to hand over the tape recorder and dictated some comments. The reporter then said, "Now I can die knowing I stayed true until the end.”
The ISIS leader turned to the Israeli commando and said, “And now, Mr. Israeli tough guy, what is your final wish?”
“Kick me in the butt ,” said the soldier.
“What?" asked the leader, “Will you mock us in your last hour?”
“No, I’m not kidding. I want you to kick me in the butt ,” insisted the Israeli.
So the terrorist leader shoved him into the open and kicked him in the behind. The soldier went sprawling, but rolled to his knees, pulled a 9 mm pistol from under his flak jacket, and shot the leader dead. In the resulting confusion, he jumped to his knapsack, pulled out his carbine and sprayed the terrorists with gunfire. In a flash, all terrorists were either dead or fleeing for their lives. As the soldier was untying the reporters, they asked him, “Why didn’t you just shoot them in the beginning? Why did you ask them to kick you in the butt first?”
“What?” replied the Israeli, “and have you report that I was the aggressor?”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Two men die and meet in heaven

Two guys show up in Heaven at the same time. The first guy says he froze to death, and the second guy tells him that he died of a heart attack....
"How did that happen?" asks the first guy. "Well, I came home and thought I heard my wife with another man. But when I searched the house, I couldn't find anybody. I was so stricken with remorse for wrongly accusing my wife of infidelity, I had a heart attack and died on the spot."
"Geez," says the first guy. "If you'd opened the fridge, we'd both be alive right now."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A polar bear walks into a

A polar bear walks into a bar and tells the bartender, “Give me a scotch and…................................................a Coke.”

“Why the long pause?” asks the bartender.
“I don’t know,” says the bear. “I’ve always had them.”

Subject: Drinking and .....well......

With Christmas close upon us, I would like to share a personal experience with my friends about drinking and driving. As you know, some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time, often on the way home after a "social session" with family or friends.

Well, two days ago, this happened to me. I was out for an evening with friends and had more than several beers followed by a couple of bottles of rather nice red wine and a few vodka shots. Although relaxed, I still had the common sense to know I was slightly over the limit.
That's when I did something slightly different - I took a taxi home.

Sure enough on the way there was a police roadblock, but since it was a taxi they waved it past and I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise to me, because I had never driven a taxi before. I don't know where I got it, and now that it's in my garage and I don't know what to do with it.

So, anyway, if you want to borrow it give me a call.
Merry Christmas!

kaka

kaka

Tee Times

Two friends took a chance and headed to their local golf course on a beautiful summer’s day without a tee time. When they arrive at the pro shop the manager had some news.
“I’m sorry, guys,” he said. “We don’t have any open tee times available today.”
“Wait a minute,” one of the guys said, testing his luck. “What if Arnold Palmer and Jack Nicklaus showed up? I’m sure you would be able to find a starting time for them.”
“Of course we would, sir,” the man behind the desk said.
“Well, I happen to know they’re not coming,” the golfer said. “So, we’ll take their time.”

good one

good one

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Good One

Good One

knock knock!

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady, who?
Nice yodelling!

Couple

An older couple were stopped by a state trooper. He told the old codger he was clocked doing 15mph over the limit. "I don't understand, I had the cruise control set at the speed limit." "Oh Harry, the wife interrupted, you know this old heap doesn't have cruise control." He told her to stick a sock in it as the trooper stated that he noticed the guy wasn't wearing a seat belt. "I had to undo the belt to get my wallet out of my back pocket." The wife chimed in; "Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt" Harry angrily turned to her and shouted "shut the frick up."
The trooper bent down to look over at the old gal and asked if her husband always spoke to her that way. "Heavens no, she replied, only when he's been drinking."

The Italian Honeymoon

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida with his new bride, Virginia, Luigi stopped by his old barbershop in Jersey to say hello to his friends.

Giovanni said, "Hey Luigi, how was da treep?

Luigi said, "Everyting wasa perfecto except for da damma train ride down"

Whata you mean Luigi? asked Giovanni.

Well we boarda da train at Grana Central Station. My beautiful Virginia, she pack a biga basket a food.

She brough ta da vino, some nice cigars for me, and we were lookina forward to da trip, and open upa da lunch basket.

The conductor e come aby waga his finger at us anda say, 'no eata indisa car. Musta use a dining car.'

So me and my beautiful Virgina, we go to da dining car. eat a biga lunch and starta ta open da bottle of a nice a vino!

Conductor walka by again, waga his finger and say, 'No drinka indisa car! Musta use a cluba car.' So we go to cluba car.

While a drinkina da vino, I starta to lighta my biga cigar. The conductore, he waga his finger again and say, No smokina disa car.

Musta go to a smokina car.

"We go to a smokina car and I smoke a my biga cigar.

Then my beautiful Virginia and I, we go to a sleeper car anda go to bed.

We just about to go boombada boombada and the conductore, he walka through da hallway shouting at a top of his voice..

Nofolka Virginia! Nofolka Virginia!

Sona-mubitcha-damma.... Next time, I'ma just gonna taka da bus!

Cop Joke

Late one night a man is driving down the road, speeding quite a bit. A cop notices how fast he is going and pulls him over. The cop says to the man, "Are you aware of how fast you were going?"

The man replies, "Yes I am. I'm trying to escape a robbery I got involved in." The cop gives him a skeptical look and says, "Were you the one being robbed?" The man casually replies, "No, I committed the robbery."

The cop looks shocked that the man admitted this. "So you're telling me you were speeding...AND committed a robbery?" "Yes," the man calmly says. "I have the loot in the back."

The cop begins to get angry. "Sir, I'm afraid you have to come with me." The cop reaches in the window to subdue the man. "Don't do that!" the man yells fearfully. "I'm scared you will find the gun in my glove compartment!"

The cop pulls his hand out. "Wait here," he says. The cop calls for backup. Soon cops, cars, and helicopters are flooding the area.

The man is cuffed quickly and taken towards a car. However, before he gets in, a cop walks up to him and says, while gesturing to the cop that pulled him over, "Sir, this officer informed us that you had committed a robbery, had stolen loot in the trunk of your car, and had a loaded gun in your glove compartment. However, we found none of these things in your car."

The man replies, "Yeah, and I bet that liar said I was speeding too!"

A Blonde was down on her luck

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom.
She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."
She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the North side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."
The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!
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