Factory Joke Thread – October 2016

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

Please read the forum rules before posting.

"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."

~Angela

See also

Frequently Asked Questions

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a good one

a good one

Do you remember getting the,

Do you remember getting the, "We're pregnant!" phone call?

And ... the associated crashing waves of excitement, happiness and joy.

And ... the pangs of doubt and worry ... mostly about, "how am I going to explain THIS to my wife?" Will she bond with the little bundle of joy when she holds it, every other weekend?

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I spend 80% of my money on airplanes & beer. The rest is wasted.

HAAAAAA

scott_dog wrote:

I wondered why the frisbee was getting bigger, and then it hit me.

Well played!!

Joke du Jour

smile

"An old man went to a store to buy laxative" wasn't bad either ...

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Nuvi 2460

Sliced Shot

A golfer hits a big slice on the first hole, and his ball ends up behind a small shed.
He’s about to chip out when the caddie says, “Wait! I’ll open the window and the door, then you can hit a 3-wood right through that opening.”
After the caddie opens the escape route, the golfer makes a big swing. The ball nearly makes it, but it hits the windowsill, then bounces back and hits the golfer in the head.
The next thing the golfer knows, he’s standing at the Pearly Gates.
Saint Peter sees him with his 3-wood in hand and says, “I guess you think you’re a pretty good golfer.”
And the guy replies, “Hey, I got here in two, didn’t I?”

A man moved into a retirement home...

An elderly man decided it was time to move on. He packed his stuff and moved into a retirement home.
On his first day there, as he was unpacking his stuff into his room, he could help but notice that the woman in the room across the hall was staring at him. He thought it was odd but decided not to let it bother him.
Later that night, he went to the cafeteria to get dinner. He sat down at his table and, lo and behold, the woman from the hallway was sitting at the table next to him! There was no food on her table. She just sat there staring at him with fixed eyes. The man grew increasingly annoyed but didn't say anything.
After a scrumptious meal, he went to the lunge to play nightly bingo. He was enjoying the game until he noticed the woman again, staring at him. He had had enough.
He went up to her and said, "Ma'am, I couldn't help noticing that you have been staring at me ever since I arrived. Could you please stop, it is a bit bothersome."
She replied, "I am sorry, it is just that you look so much like my third husband!"
The man felt bad. "I'm sorry. If you don't mind me asking, how many husbands have you had?"
"Two." Was the woman's reply.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The Browns' New QB

The head coach of the Browns is looking for a new QB when he sees news footage of a man in Afghanistan.
This man is fighting the Taliban and in the space of a few seconds, the coach sees him burst through a wooden barricade, knock down 10 armed soldiers, run 100 yards in 10 seconds, pick up a grenade laying on the ground, and throw it through an open window of an armored vehicle driving 75 yards away at 60 miles an hour, blowing it up and saving his village.
The coach gets on a flight and signs the guy to be the new Browns quarterback. After re-writing the NFL record book, he leads the Browns to victory in the Super Bowl!
The jubilant QB calls his mother and says "Mother, we won the Super Bowl! Did you see?"
His mother spits at him, "Don't you talk to me. You are dead to me!"
Confused, the QB asks, "But why?"
His mother replies, "You left us here! Your father caught a disease and was in the hospital on life support, and the corrupt government let the power to the hospital be turned off and he died. Your sister was kidnapped by a gang off the streets and we fear she is dead, or worse. There was no fresh water to the house so your brother went down to the lake to get water, and he was horribly burned because the lake caught on fire!"
She hisses, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Cleveland."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Good thing non of the women

Good thing non of the women were actually drinking! The answers would have been more...interesting. lol

lol

goodone

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nuvi 2757LM-65LM-65LM

Thanks

got more than a few chuckles reading through these.

The Farmer

A FARMER DECIDED  HE WANTED TO GO TO TOWN AND SEE A MOVIE.
THE TICKET AGENT ASKED, "SIR, WHAT'S THAT ON YOUR SHOULDER?

THE OLD FARMER SAID, "THAT'S MY PET ROOSTER CHUCK.
WHEREVER I GO, CHUCK GOES."

"I'M SORRY SIR," SAID THE TICKET AGENT "WE CAN'T ALLOW ANIMALS IN THE THEATER."

THE OLD FARMER WENT AROUND THE CORNER AND STUFFED CHUCK DOWN HIS OVERALLS.
HE THEN RETURNED TO THE BOOTH, BOUGHT A TICKET, AND ENTERED THE THEATER.
HE SAT DOWN NEXT TO TWO OLD WIDOWS  NAMED MILDRED AND MARGE.

THE MOVIE STARTED AND THE ROOSTER BEGAN TO SQUIRM. . .
THE OLD FARMER  UNBUTTONED HIS FLY SO CHUCK COULD STICK HIS HEAD OUT AND WATCH THE MOVIE.

"MARGE," WHISPERED MILDRED.
"WHAT?" SAID MARGE.
"I THINK THE GUY NEXT TO ME IS A PERVERT."

"WHAT MAKES YOU THINK SO?" ASKED MARGE?
"HE UNDID HIS PANTS AND HE HAS HIS THING OUT", WHISPERED MILDRED.

"WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT", SAID MARGE.. "AT OUR AGE WE'VE SEEN 'EM ALL"

"I THOUGHT SO TOO", SAID MILDRED,  "BUT THIS ONE'S EATIN' MY POPCORN...!"

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GPSmap76Cx handheld, Nuvi 2557LMT, Nuvfi 2598LMTHD

At the Mall

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 92). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. My dad kept staring at him. The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had had enough, he sarcastically asked, 'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life? Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that l would not choke on his response, knowiog he would have a good one, and in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response.
"Got drunk once, and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son."

Senior think point

If sex with three people is called a threesome, and sex with two people is called a twosome, you should understand why they call me handsome.

Who Taught You That?

“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” the teacher instructed her second-grade student.
“The fireman came down the ladder pregnant,” he answered.
“Umm … Do you know what pregnant means?”
“Yes,” said the boy. “It means carrying a child.”

A woman found a magic lamp on the beach, rubbed it, and out popp

"Ask me anything and it's yours!" She thought a moment and then answered, "I want my husband to pay more attention to me, to protect me, to take me out frequently, to sleep close to me, and to be more caring, even if I get a tiny scratch." "No problem." And POOF! She was a smartphone!

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A 90-year-old golfer tells his wife that he is quitting the game

"But why?" asks his wife. "Well, it's my eyesight. I can't see where the ball goes after I hit it". The wife says, "Listen, you can go with my brother Pete. He might be 103 years old but his eyesight is perfect." He agrees and finds himself on the golf course with his brother-in-law. He takes aim and hits a powerful shot that speeds off like a jet. He looks at his brother-in-law and says: "Did you see that Pete?” His brother-in-law says, "Yes, I saw that perfectly.” The golfer says, "Well, where is it then?" Pete responds, "I don't remember."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A pregnant woman hobbles

A pregnant woman hobbles into the hospital with one hand on her back. A nurse asks her what's wrong, and the pregnant woman screams, "Shouldn't! Wouldn't! Didn't!"
The nurse shakes her head and says, "I'm sorry…I don't understand." The pregnant woman's face contorts in pain as she shouts, "Can't! Won't! Don't!" The nurse, bewildered, turns to a doctor. "Admit her," the doctor said. "She's having contractions."

Old Butch

John was in the fertilized egg business.

He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters.

Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing.

Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!

When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.

He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Saint Lawrence County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize," but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.

Always good read..

for a laugh at the end of long week.

smile

these always leave you with a smile after reading a few !

Fruity

Why aren’t banana’s ever lonely?

…because they come in bunches!

A man got a text from his neighbor:

"I'm so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.
I've been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."
The man anguished and betrayed, went into his room, grabbed his gun and without a word, shot his wife.
A couple of seconds later, another text arrived. 'Damn auto correct, I meant "wifi", not "wife"'

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Do you play?

A few years ago I was standing in the security line at the airport, and a fellow in a line parallel to mine had a golf bag slung over his shoulder. Since the line was long and airline security is a slow process at best, we struck up a conversation.

He brightened when I admired his beautiful new golf bag, and he proudly stated that he was on the PGA TOUR. Then he turned to me and asked the question all golfers ask: “Do you play?”

I shook my head, “I used to, but I quit because I wasn’t very good. I shot consistently in the lower seventies.”

There was a long, confused, low in-take of breath, then… “The lower seventies?”

“Yes,” I admitted.

“Consistently?” he queried admiringly.

“Every hole,” I confessed.

A true classic

Timantide wrote:

"What's wrong, dear?" she asks.
"Do you remember 20 years ago, when your father caught us having sex in the back of his police car?"
"I remember," she says.
"And when he told me to marry you right then, or he'd make sure I spent the next 20 years in jail?"
"Of course I remember," she says. "But why are you crying?"
"I would have gotten out today."

Sad but so very true! surprised

Happy Hallo-Weiner!

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Freedom isn't free...thank you veterans! Heard about the tests to detect PANCREATIC CANCER? There aren't any! In Memoriam: #77 NYPD-SCA/Seattle Mike/Joe S./Vinny D./RTC!

Good answer!

Timantide wrote:

"Ask me anything and it's yours!" She thought a moment and then answered, "I want my husband to pay more attention to me, to protect me, to take me out frequently, to sleep close to me, and to be more caring, even if I get a tiny scratch." "No problem." And POOF! She was a smartphone!

If only Nina could see this one! Oh? Don't ask!

--
Freedom isn't free...thank you veterans! Heard about the tests to detect PANCREATIC CANCER? There aren't any! In Memoriam: #77 NYPD-SCA/Seattle Mike/Joe S./Vinny D./RTC!

Good One!,,

Gush wrote:

“Give me a sentence about a public servant,” the teacher instructed her second-grade student.
“The fireman came down the ladder pregnant,” he answered.
“Umm … Do you know what pregnant means?”
“Yes,” said the boy. “It means carrying a child.”

Medicare Part G

If you are an older senior citizen who can no longer take care of yourself and need Long-Term Care, but the government says there is no nursing home care available for you, what can you do? Opt for Medicare Part G.

Part G gives anyone 75 or older a Gun (Part G) and one bullet. You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, three meals a day, cable TV, a library, and all the health care you need including dentures, glasses, hearing aids, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, heart. They are all covered!

As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now. Who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford to provide nursing home care for you. You will get rid of a useless politician, and as a prisoner you don't have to pay any more income taxes!

Is this a great country or what?

I wish I had one...

....but I don't. Oh wait, the election is tomorrow. razz

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With God, all things are possible. ——State motto of the Great State of Ohio

Pope Francis

Pope Francis recently finished his sermon.

He ended it with the Latin phrase, "Tuti Homini" - Blessed be Mankind..

A Woman's Rights Group approached the Pope the next day.
They noticed that the Pope blessed all Mankind, but not Womankind.

So the next day, after his sermon, the Pope concluded by saying,
"Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" - Blessed be Mankind and Womankind.

The day after, a Gay Rights Group approached the Pope.
They said that they noticed that he blessed Mankind and Womankind
and asked if he could also bless gay people.The Pope said, Sure."

The next day the Pope concluded his sermon with,

"Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti.

Cute

Lol

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Gattina11
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