Factory Joke Thread – September 2016

A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."

Mia, Cathy, Edward, David and John all decided to go for a walk in the jungle one day. Upon their stroll, they came across a pit of quick sand. It was way too long to jump over, and much too wide to go around. It had already taken them an hour to get this far, and none of them wanted to turn back.

“What are we going to do?” asked Cathy.
Just as she finished her sentence, a genie appeared.
“Don’t worry,” he said. “You can all walk across the quick sand without sinking, as long as you’re not gay.”

So, first Mia went across, and she didn’t sink. Then Edward walked across, and he didn’t sink. Then Cathy walked across, and she didn’t sink. The three of them then looked back to find John’s neck deep in the quick sand.

“John, you’re gay?” asked Mia.
“No,” he stated “David is holding onto my pants!”

An old dying man invites 3 of his friends to his deathbed and asks a favor...He says, "We've been as brothers for longer than I can remember, and while I was not rich in life, I would like to bring some wealth with me as I die. If you could each leave $5,000 in my coffin, it would bring me great peace."
The three men saw no fault in this, as they were all very rich, and all upstanding members of their respective communities.
Jim was a devout, aging Catholic, and he brought the five thousand in large bills, so as not to occupy much space in the coffin. He later told the members of his congregation, and oh how they lauded him on his selflessness to ease the mind of a dying friend.
Michael was a converted Muslim, and he feared that the dead had no use for paper money, so he converted the five thousand into gold for his friend, leaving the ingots next to the bills. He felt a great warmth inside of him, a feeling that can only be brought about by a good, charitable deed.
David was born Jewish, but wasn't so devout as many of his colleagues. He refused to buck off the stereotype and worked as a moneylender, a loan agent. Because of this, he understood how exchange rates worked and how trying to convert 3 different types of money to one may be hard for a man with little experience handling cash. Therefore, he wrote a check for fifteen thousand dollars, and took the gold and bills as change. He left his friend's side with such a great smile, he must have known the time he'd saved him in the afterlife.

She said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
“Impossible!” says the doctor. “Show me.”
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor took off his glasses and said, “You’re not really a redhead, are you?
“Well, no” she said, “I’m actually a blonde. I just dyed my hair last week.”
“I thought so,” the doctor said. “Your finger is broken.”

George and his wife Martha went to the state fair every year. Every year George would say, "Martha, I'd like to ride in that there airplane." And every year Martha would say, "I know George, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars."

One year George and Martha went to the fair and George said, "Martha, I'm 71 years old. If I don't ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance." Martha replied, "George, that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars." The pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal, I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you, but if you say one word it's ten dollars." George and Martha agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word was heard. He did all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They landed and the pilot turned to George, "By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn't."

George replied, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars."

Good One!!

Two nuns were shopping at a 7-11 store. As they passed by the beer cooler, one nun said to the other, "wouldn't a nice cool beer or two taste wonderful on a hot summer evening?"

The second nun answered, "indeed it would, sister, but I would not feel comfortable buying beer, since I am certain it would cause a scene at the checkout stand."

"I can handle that without a problem," the other nun replied, and she picked up a six-pack and headed for the check-out.

The cashier had a surprised look on his face when the two nuns arrived with a six-pack of beer.

"We use beer for washing our hair" the nun said, "back at our nunnery, we call it catholic shampoo."

Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter. Pulled out a package of pretzel sticks, and placed them in the bag with the beer.

He then looked the nun straight in the eye, smiled, and said: "the curlers are on the house."

A married couple played golf together everyday.

One day the man and his wife were on the first tee of their local course. He was on the white tee and she was waiting in front of him by the ladies tee.

He teed off and caught the ball perfectly; unfortunately it hit his wife smack in the back of the head killing her instantly.

She fell face down on the tee, didn't know what hit her.

They had an inquest on the wife's death, the coroner said it was clear how she died, she was killed by a golf ball, and that there was a perfect imprint of a golf ball on the back of her head.

The husband said, "Yes, that was my ball."

The coroner then went on to say that he was a bit concerned to find a ball inserted up the woman's backside, and could the husband throw some light on this?

The husband said, "Oh that must have been my provisional. I wondered where it went."

One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch. But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day. The end.

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants. The iBoob will cost between $499 and $699, depending on the speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Apple Computer announced today that it has developed a computer chip that can store and play high fidelity music in women's breast implants. The iBoob will cost between $499 and $699, depending on the speaker size. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women have always complained about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

good one

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Next time I lose my provisional ball I will know where to look for it!

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.
The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.
He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."
The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

DEAR DIARY - DAY 1

All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers decided on this "all-girls" trip. It will be my first one - and I can't wait!
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DEAR DIARY - DAY 2

Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.
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DEAR DIARY - DAY 3

At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
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DEAR DIARY - DAY 4

Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. The Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
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DEAR DIARY - DAY 5

Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. The Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.
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DEAR DIARY - DAY 6

Today I saved 2600 lives . . . . . .Twice ♠

Madam wanted 3 reasons why the maid thought she deserved a raise
Maid: I can cook better than you.
Madam: Who told you that?
Maid: Your husband told me!
Madam: Ok, second reason.
Maid: I can iron better than you.
Madam: Who told you that?
Maid: Your husband told me!
Madam: Ok, and the third reason?
Maid: I am better in bed than you.
Madam's face swelled with rage.
Madam: Did my husband say that?!
Maid: No the driver told me.
Madam: Lower your voice. Is 25% enough?

"It's not working, I can't take it anymore. I am going to my Mom's place" I opened the fridge. The light came on. The beer was cold. What the hell is she talking about?

Nice... so nice of him!

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

The priest turned to the rabbi and asked, “Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded,"Yes, that is still one of our laws."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, “Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation, and tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest,
"Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?"

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke my Faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, and sat thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

Not a single swear word in their comic routines as shown below:

A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?"
The man says, "I make a good living."

I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother in law to the airport.

I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.

When we're at the shopping mall, we always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

My wife and I went to a hotel where we got a waterbed. My wife calls it the Dead Sea .

My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.

My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.

The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.

The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."
Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"

Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor:
"See! What did I tell you?"

A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?
The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"

Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears. " Doctor: "Don't answer!"

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking.
The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."

A man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."

A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner Take it or leave it.

A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part"

Two little old ladies, Connie and Evelyn, were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

The short one, Connie, leaned over and said, "Life is so boring. We never have any fun anymore.

For $10 I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid, boring flower show"!

"You're on!", said Evelyn, holding up a $10 bill.

So, Connie slowly fumbled her way out of her clothes.

She grabbed a dried flower from a nearby display and held it between her teeth.

Then, completely naked, she streaked (as fast as an old lady can) through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause and shrill whistling.

Finally, the smiling Connie came through the exit door surrounded by a cheering, clapping crowd.

"What happened"? asked Evelyn.

"I won $1,000 as 1st prize for 'Best Dried Arrangement'!"

Two managers are going over their budget for the next year. After analyzing expenses and revenues, they come to the conclusion that they will have to lay off one of their two assistants, Jack or Jane.
They go back and forth but can't decide who to lay off. Finally, one manager decides that they should lay off the first person who gets up from their desk.
In the meantime, Jane is hard at work but suddenly gets a headache. She gets some aspirin from her desk drawer and gets up from her desk to get some water.
One of the managers gets up to break the bad news to Jane.
Manager: "Jane, I need to talk to you. I've got a problem. I either need to lay you or Jack off..."
Jane:"Well, jack-off. I've got a headache."

After his return from Rome, Will couldn’t find his luggage in the airport baggage area. He went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that his bags hadn’t shown up on the carousel.
She smiled and told him not to worry because they were trained professionals and he was in good hands.
Then she asked Will, “Has your plane arrived yet?”

That doesn't sound like a joke to me.

Sounds like a true story . . .

Evil

- Tom -

There was a man in Bulgaria who drove a train for a living.
He loved his job, driving a train had been his dream ever since he was a child.
He loved to make the train go as fast as possible.
Unfortunately, one day he was a little too reckless and caused a crash.
He made it out, but a single person died.
Well, needless to say, he went to court over this incident.
He was found guilty, and was sentenced to death by electrocution.
When the day of the execution came, he requested a single banana as his last meal.
After eating the banana, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was flown, sparks flew and smoke filled the air- but nothing happened.
The man was perfectly fine.
Well, at the time, there was an old Bulgarian law that said a failed execution was a sign of divine intervention, so the man was allowed to go free.
And somehow, he managed to get his old job back driving the train.
Having not learned his lesson at all, he went right back to driving the train with reckless abandon.
Once again, he caused a train to crash, this time killing two people.
The trial went much the same as the first, resulting in a sentence of execution.
For his final meal, the man requested two bananas.
After eating the bananas, he was strapped into the electric chair.
The switch was thrown, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was once again unharmed.
Well, this of course meant that he was free to go.
And once again, he somehow manages to get his old job back.
To what should have been the surprise of no one, he crashed yet another train and killed three people.
And so he once again found himself being sentenced to death.
On the day of his execution, he requested his final meal- three bananas.
"You know what? No," said the executioner. "I've had it with you and your stupid bananas and walking out of here unharmed. I'm not giving you a thing to eat, we're strapping you in and doing this now."
Well, it was against protocol, but the man was strapped in to the electric chair without a last meal.
The switch was pulled, sparks flew, smoke filled the room- and the man was still unharmed.
The executioner was speechless.
The man looked at the executioner and said "Oh, the bananas had nothing to do with it. I'm just a bad conductor."

I thought you said he was the engineer?

To avoid it... 
Eat right! 
Make sure you get your daily dose of fruit and veggies. 
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C. 
Get plenty of exercise because it builds your immune system. 
Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc. 
Wash your hands often.  If you can't, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around. 
Get lots of fresh air. Open doors & windows whenever possible. 
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can. 
Get plenty of rest.. 

OR 

Take the doctor's approach.

Think about it... 

When you go for a flu jab, what do they do first?
They clean your arm with alcohol...

Why? 

Because Alcohol KILLS GERMS. 

So...

I walk to the pub. (exercise)
I put lime in my vodka...(fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the patio..(fresh air)
Tell jokes and laugh....(eliminate stress)
Then I pass out. (rest)

The way I see  it... 

If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you! 

REMEMBER:
"A shot in the glass is better than one in the a$$!"

Politics is the gentle art of getting votes from the poor and
campaign funds from the rich, by promising to protect each from the other.
~Oscar Ameringer~

hilarious

...and there's always one left over! Laid on the floor in the corner, still that drunk? He couldn't even stand! Asked him where he lived, then dragged him down the driveway to my car, his legs all over the place, picked him up, threw him inside, & took him home. Dragged him up to his house & knocked on his front door, "I've brought your son home." His mother replied, "Where is his wheel chair?"

Did you here about the cannibal who kept getting stomach aches. He went to the "witch doctor" who couldn't figure out what was wrong. He gave the cannibal a medicine and sent him home.
The next day the cannibal came back to the witch doctor and complained of cramps and pains. The witch doctor asked him a bunch of questions and could not figure out what was wrong.

As a last resort, the witch doctor asked the cannibal if he had eaten' anything strange. The cannibal replied "no." "Well, what are you eating?" the witch doctor asked.
"The usual," replied the cannibal, "You know just a couple of those Missionaries every now and then." "Missionaries?" replied the witch doctor. "Just how do you cook them?" he asked.

"The normal way" answered the cannibal as he described the technic. "I boil a lot of water in the big pot, add a little seasoning, a few herbs and vegetables" he further related.
Well, that sounded right to the witch doctor so he pressed a little further; "So, describe these missionaries to me" he asked. "Well," replied the cannibal, "you know the ones, they wear those brown robes, wear those sandals on their feet, and they have that bald spot on top of their head."

"THAT'S IT!" exclaimed the witch doctor, "That's your problem! Those are friars... not boilers!!!"

The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Sicily. It was absolutely wonderful. it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they’d never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr. Santucchi, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
“Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side.”
The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, “Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?”
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily. “You are truly a wise veterinarian,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow from Sicily?”
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eyes, “My wife is from Sicily.”

This from a resident of Ft. Myers, Florida: The other day I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read: "I miss Chicago."

So, I broke out a window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires and left a note that read, "I hope this helps!"

Good one

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken."
She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed.

My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA.
He said they love animals very much.

I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office.
I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was.
I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."
Guess where I am now...

A man had a bad case of stuttering. Over many years he went to many doctors, but none of them could help him.
Finally one doctor said, "I believe I have found the reason for your stuttering".

The man asked, "Wha.. wha.. wha..what is my pro.. pro.. problem?"

The doctor replied, "Your penis is very, very large. The weight of your penis is causing a strain on your larynx, and this results in your stuttering. The only solution to this is to perform a penis transplant."
The man was really tired of his stuttering, so he agreed to a transplant. Several days later the doctor called the man up and informed him that they have found a suitable donor. The transplant operation was successfully performed and the man could speak without any stutter.

At first he was happy, but after a while he began to miss his large penis, and how the girls used to love it. He finally went back to his doctor and said, "Doctor, I am grateful for the opportunity you have given me to speak without a stutter, but I miss my old penis. Please find the transplant donor and tell him that we have to exchange penises back."
The doctor shook his head and replied, "That’s im.. im.. im.. impo.. impossible."

Good One!!

On the first day of school, the teacher asked a student, "What are your parents' names?" The student replied, "My father's name is Laughing and my mother's name is Smiling." The teacher said, "Are you kidding?" The student said, "No, Kidding is my brother. I am Joking."

That was so bad...but I am still SMILING

0:-)

Now that's Italian!

A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked out to have a talk with him.

"I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always seem to lose control at the same point in every game."

"When is that?" asked the kid.

"Right after the National Anthem."

Dad: Say "Sorry"
Son: For what?
Dad: Say "Sorry"
Son: But for what?
Dad: First say you're sorry.
Son: But what did I do?
Dad: Do it, say "Sorry" first.
Son: Just tell me why!
Dad: Say it.
Son: Ok, Dad! I'm sorry!
Dad: Your training is complete. You apologized without a reason. You have my blessing.

The other day I was eating in an Italian restaurant when I accidentally spilled some spaghetti sauce on my favorite white sweater. I wasn't too distressed, though, because Mr. Wong down on High Street has been doing my laundry for years and I knew that he could take just about any stain and get it out like it'd never been there.

So I took the sweater down to Wong's Laundry and dropped it off; Mr. Wong said he'd probably be able to have it cleaned by Thursday. So on Thursday afternoon after work I stopped by Wong's again. Mr. Wong looked quite distressed when he saw me. He brought out the sweater and, apologizing profusely, explained that somehow this stain was beyond even his power to expunge. And sure enough, though fainter than before, there was still a distinct red stain on the sweater.

In an attempt to make up for his failure, Mr. Wong offered to send the sweater to his brother across town, who had been in the laundry business for even longer, and might have a clue as to the method of removal of this extraordinarily persistent stain. The elder Wong brother would rush it through at no extra charge and should have it looking as white and clean as new by Friday.

So on Friday I went back to Wong's to pick up my sweater, but when I arrived, Mr. Wong regretfully informed me that his brother, too, had failed to remove the red blotch. "No charge," said Wong, "but you must take sweater elsewhere to clean. Two Wongs cannot make white."

Read the last sentence first.

It was the last day of philosophy class, and time for the final exam. The professor had exposed the students to several schools of philosophy during the semester. He looked out over them as they sat and waited expectantly. Finally, he pointed at his desk and said, “I have only a single question on this final test. Use anything I’ve taught you this year to prove to me this desk does not exist.” Immediately the students started writing furiously, filling ages and pages of exam books with proofs for the non-existence of the desk. One girl, however, wrote for a few seconds, gathered her books, walked to the front of the class, turned in her exam book, and was out of the classroom in two minutes. When the professor posted the grades the following Monday, only one person had received an A. It was the girl who finished the exam so quickly. Her answer: “What desk?”