Factory Joke Thread – April 2016

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

Please read the forum rules before posting.

"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."

~Angela

Related links

See also

Frequently Asked Questions

Page 1>>

Abbott and Costello Explain Unemployment

COSTELLO: I want to talk about the unemployment rate in America.

ABBOTT: Good Subject. Terrible Times. It's 9%.

COSTELLO: That many people are out of work?

ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.

COSTELLO: You just said 9%.

ABBOTT: 9% Unemployed.

COSTELLO: Right 9% out of work.

ABBOTT: No, that's 16%.

COSTELLO: Okay, so it's 16% unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, that's 9%...

COSTELLO: WAIT A MINUTE. Is it 9% or 16%?

ABBOTT: 9% are unemployed. 16% are out of work.

COSTELLO: IF you are out of work you are unemployed.

ABBOTT: No, you can't count the "Out of Work" as the unemployed. You have to look for work to be unemployed.

COSTELLO: BUT THEY ARE OUT OF WORK!!!

ABBOTT: No, you miss my point.

COSTELLO: What point?

ABBOTT: Someone who doesn't look for work, can't be counted with those who look for work. It wouldn't be fair.

COSTELLO: To whom?

ABBOTT: The unemployed.

COSTELLO: But they are ALL out of work.

ABBOTT: No, the unemployed are actively looking for work. Those who are out of work stopped looking. They gave up. And, if you give up, you are no longer in the ranks of the unemployed.

COSTELLO: So if you're off the unemployment roles, that would count as less unemployment?

ABBOTT: Unemployment would go down. Absolutely!

COSTELLO: The unemployment just goes down because you don't look for work?

ABBOTT: Absolutely it goes down. That's how you get to 9%. Otherwise it would be 16%. You don't want to read about 16% unemployment, do ya?

COSTELLO: That would be frightening.

ABBOTT: Absolutely.

COSTELLO: Wait, I got a question for you. That means there are two ways to bring down the unemployment number?

ABBOTT: Two ways is correct.

COSTELLO: Unemployment can go down if someone gets a job?

ABBOTT: Correct.

COSTELLO: And unemployment can also go down if you stop looking for a job?

ABBOTT: Bingo.

COSTELLO: So there are two ways to bring unemployment down, and the easier of the two is to just stop looking for work.

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like an economist.

COSTELLO: I don't even know what the hell I just said!

ABBOTT: Now you're thinking like a politician.

A redneck's father passed away in his sleep

So in the morning, he calls 911 to come pick up the body.
The 911 operator told him that she would send someone out right away.
"Where do you live?" asked the operator.
He replied, "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
The operator asked, "Can you spell that for me?
There was a long pause and finally he said, "How 'bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge door.

It said, "this is not working. I'm going to my mothers." I opened the door. The light came on. The beer was cold. Just what in the hell did she mean?

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

April Fools...

Knock, Knock.

(Who's there)

Opportunity!

(Opportunity who?)

April Fools! Opportunity knocks but once!

(Yeah, pretty bad.)

--
GPSMAP 76CSx - nüvi 760 - nüvi 200 - GPSMAP 78S

The Cost versus Risk of Burial in the Holy Land..

--
Nuvi 2595 LMT When you come to a fork in the road- take it. (Leo)

Mama taught her well

A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?" A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says".

The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be?"The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it.

The teacher got a coughing fit and had to leave the room.

--
All the worlds indeed a stage and we are merely players. Rush

Adoption Doubts

A couple who work at the travelling circus go to an adoption agency.
Social workers there raise doubts about their suitability to adopt.
The couple produces photos of their expensive, 50 foot Prevost motor-home, which is already equipped with a beautiful nursery.
The social workers then are doubtful about the education that the child would get.
"We've arranged for a full-time tutor to travel with us who will teach the child all the usual subjects along with French, Mandarin and computer skills."
Then there are doubts about raising a child in a circus environment.
"Our nanny/housekeeper is an expert in pediatric welfare and diet."
The social workers are finally satisfied.
They ask, "What age and sex of child are you hoping to adopt?"

"It doesn't really matter, as long as it fits in the cannon."

Good One

Good One

Best smart-ass retorts of 2015

SMART ASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front. 

'What are my choices?' John asked. 

'Yes or no,' she replied.
 
 
SMART ASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets.vvAs a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his trench 
coat and flashed her. 

Without missing a beat, she said, 'Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub.'
 
 
SMART ASS ANSWER #4
Paulette was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she couldn't find 
one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, ' Do these turkeys get any bigger?' 

The stock boy replied, 'No ma'am, they're dead.'
 
 
SMART ASS ANSWER #3
The police officer got out of his car as the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down 
his window. 'I've been waiting for you all day,' the officer said. 

The kid replied, Yeah, well 
I got here as fast as I could.' 

When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his 
way without a ticket.
 
 
SMART ASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway and noticed a sign that read: Low Bridge Ahead. Before he knows it, the bridge is right in front of him and his truck gets wedged under it. Cars are backed up for miles.  Finally a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, 'Got stuck, huh?' 

The truck driver says, 'No, I was delivering this bridge and I ran out of gas.'
 
 
SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2015!
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. 'Now class, I won't tolerate any 
excuses for you not being here tomorrow.  I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!' 

A smart-ass student in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, 'What would you say if 
tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?' 

The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. 

When silence was restored, the teacher smiled knowingly at the student, shook her head and 
sweetly said, 'Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.'

--
Never argue with a pig. It makes you look foolish and it anoys the hell out of the pig!

I Like Long Walks on the Beach

Until the LSD wears off and it turns out I'm dragging a mannequin around a Wendy's parking lot

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Really

Joke:
It was mealtime during an airline flight. 'Would you like dinner?', the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
'What are my choices?' John asked.
'Yes or no,' she replied.

Reality:
A woman sitting near a friend on a flight was offered red wine or white wine. The woman kept asking about specific wines and the steward kept saying the choices were red wine or white wine. He eventually said, "Lady, you are going to be a lot of trouble on this flight, aren't you."

NUMBERS

The teacher asked one of her young students if he knew his numbers. "Yes," he said. "I do. My father taught me." "Good. What comes after three?" "Four," answers the boy. "What comes after six?" "Seven." "Very good," says the teacher. "Your dad did a good job. What comes after ten?" "A jack," says the little boy.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

IN A HURRY

A woman rushes into the lobby of a large hotel and sprints up to the reception desk. Seeing that the only member of staff is talking on the phone, she hammers on the bell for service. The man at the desk slowly puts down the phone. "Yes?" he says, annoyed. "Excuse me," says the woman, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?" The clerk stares at her for a second and looks her up and down. "Not bad," he smiles. "Not bad at all."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Lonely Steve

Lonely Steve

It's Black Friday and mall is packed with shoppers and Steve can't find his wife.
Steve goes up to a very attractive woman and says 'Excuse me, can you help me? I cannot see my wife, and I know that she is here in the shopping mall somewhere. Can you just talk to me for a couple of minutes?"
The attrative woman replies "Why?"
Steve replies "Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman, my wife materialises out of thin air."

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Haircut

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."

The boy thought about that for a moment, decided, he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.

After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."

The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."

-

(You're going to love the Dad's reply!)

-

-

"Did you also they all walked everywhere they went?"

Argentine, an Armenian, an Australian..

.... an Austrian, an Azerbaijani, a Bahamian, a Bahraini, a Bangladeshi, a Barbadian, a Barbudans, a Batswanan, a Belarusian, a Belgian, a Belizean, a Beninese, a Bhutanese, a Bolivian, a Bosnian, a Brazilian, a Brit, a Bruneian, a Bulgarian, a Burkinabe, a Burmese, a Burundian, a Cambodian, a Cameroonian, a Canadian, a Cape Verdean, a Central African, a Chadian, a Chilean, a Chinese, a Colombian, a Comoran, a Congolese, a Costa Rican, a Croatian, a Cuban, a Cypriot, a Czech, a Dane, a Djibouti, a Dominican, a Dutchman, an East Timorese, an Ecuadorean, an Egyptian, an Emirian, an Equatorial Guinean, an Eritrean, an Estonian, an Ethiopian, a Fijian, a Filipino, a Finn, a Frenchman, a Gabonese, a Gambian, a Georgian, a German, a Ghanaian, a Greek, a Grenadian, a Guatemalan, a Guinea-Bissauan, a Guinean, a Guyanese, a Haitian, a Herzegovinian, a Honduran, a Hungarian, an I-Kiribati, an Icelander, an Indian, an Indonesian, an Iranian, an Iraqi, an Irishman, an Israeli, an Italian, an Ivorian, a Jamaican, a Japanese, a Jordanian, a Kazakhstani, a Kenyan, a Kittian and Nevisian, a Kuwaiti, a Kyrgyz, a Laotian, a Latvian, a Lebanese, a Liberian, a Libyan, a Liechtensteiner, a Lithuanian, a Luxembourger, a Macedonian, a Malagasy, a Malawian, a Malaysian, a Maldivan, a Malian, a Maltese, a Marshallese, a Mauritanian, a Mauritian, a Mexican, a Micronesian, a Moldovan, a Monacan, a Mongolian, a Moroccan, a Mosotho, a Motswana, a Mozambican, a Namibian, a Nauruan, a Nepalese, a New Zealander, a Nicaraguan, a Nigerian, a Nigerien, a North Korean, a Northern Irishman, a Norwegian, an Omani, a Pakistani, a Palauan, a Palestinian, a Panamanian, a Papua New Guinean, a Paraguayan, a Peruvian, a Pole, a Portuguese, a Qatari, a Romanian, a Russian, a Rwandan, a Saint Lucian, a Salvadoran, a Samoan, a San Marinese, a Sao Tomean, a Saudi, a Scottish, a Senegalese, a Serbian, a Seychellois, a Sierra Leonean, a Singaporean, a Slovakian, a Slovenian, a Solomon Islander, a Somali, a South African, a South Korean, a Spaniard, a Sri Lankan, a Sudanese, a Surinamer, a Swazi, a Swede, a Swiss, a Syrian, a Taiwanese, a Tajik, a Tanzanian, a Togolese, a Tongan, a Trinidadian or Tobagonian, a Tunisian, a Turkish, a Tuvaluan, a Ugandan, a Ukrainian, a Uruguayan, a Uzbekistani, a Venezuelan, a Vietnamese, a Welshman, a Yemenite, a Zambian and a Zimbabwean all go to a nightclub...
The doorman stops them and says sorry I cant let you in without a Thai.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The car

A young investment banker goes out and buys the car of his dreams - a brand new Ferrari GTO. After paying $500,000, he takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light. While waiting for the light to change, an frail looking old man on a yellow moped pulls up next to him. The old man looks over at the Ferrari and asks, "What kind of car ya' got there, Sonny?" The young man replies, "A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!" "Wheeewee... that's a lot of money," says the old man as he tucks his thumbs up against his suspenders. "Why does it cost so much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the banker proudly. The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?" "No problem," replies the proud new owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around at all the bells and whistles lining the dashboard. Sitting back on his moped, the old man whistles and says, "That's a pretty nice car, all right... but I'll stick with my moped!" Just then the light changes, so the banker decides to show the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 160 mph! Suddenly, he notices a yellow dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be, and suddenly... Whoooooosssshhhhh! Something blows by him, going much faster! "What in the hell could be going faster than my Ferrari?" the young man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the moped! Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosssshhhhh! He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him again! Dumbfounded, the banker floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 320 mph. Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again! The Ferrari red lines and there's nothing more he can do! Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end. The young man stops and jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still alive. He runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my God! Is there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers with his dying breath... "Unhook... my... suspenders... from... your.... side view mirror."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Women in Leather Dresses

Did You Know This About Leather Dresses? ?

Do you know that when a woman wears

a leather dress,

a man's heart beats quicker,

his throat gets dry ,

he gets weak in the knees,

and he thinks irrationally?

Ever wonder why?

*
*

It's because she smells
like a
New Truck

--
GPSmap76Cx handheld, Nuvi 2557LMT, Nuvfi 2598LMTHD

I love the new car smell!

I love the new car smell!

A man is at a men's room urinal doing his business.

Another gentleman blazes up to the next stall, pulls out an impressive looking member, let's fly, sighs and says "Whew, just made it." The first gentleman glances over and says "Could you make one for me?"

--
Striving to make the NYC Metro area project the best.

kinda like

visiter555 wrote:

I love the new car smell!

The smell of a new girlfriend!

Only a lot more expensive!

--
Never argue with a pig. It makes you look foolish and it anoys the hell out of the pig!

Not sure

BarneyBadass wrote:
visiter555 wrote:

I love the new car smell!

The smell of a new girlfriend!

Only a lot more expensive!

Overtime, it's the other way around.

Traffic Camera

A man was driving when a traffic camera flashed. He thought his picture was taken for exceeding the speed limit, even though he knew he was not speeding. Just to be sure, he went around the block and passed the same spot, driving even more slowly, but again the camera flashed. He thought this was quite funny, so he slowed down even further as he drove past the area, but the traffic camera flashed yet again. He tried a fourth time with the same result. The fifth time he was laughing when the camera flashed as he rolled past at a snail pace.

Two weeks later, he got five traffic fine letters in the mail for driving without a seat belt.

911

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one.
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.

Knock Knock!

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, to whom.

Grayson Allen stats

Points per game 22
Rebounds per game 5
Assists per game 4
Trips per game 1

For those who don't know, he is a Duke basketball player.

and...

Metroparker wrote:

Points per game 22
Rebounds per game 5
Assists per game 4
Trips per game 1

For those who don't know, he is a Duke basketball player.

This is funny how? I don't get it

--
Never argue with a pig. It makes you look foolish and it anoys the hell out of the pig!

More One Liners

You can now applaud or breathe a sigh of relief. This is the last for now.

Why did the algae and the fungus get married?… They took a lichen to each other (although, unfortunately, their marriage is now on the rocks).

Why are there fish at the bottom of the sea?… Because they dropped out of school.

Where does a killer whale go for braces?… The orca-dontist.

Why did the seawater keep walking around in circles?… Because it was gyred.

Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?… Kings Crustacean.

Did you hear about the lawyer who tried to sue a shark for biting all his limbs off?… He didn’t have a leg to stand on.

A joke for married golfers

Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"
"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.
"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now," Elizabeth insisted.
She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it."
After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now."
"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still under the cart, I guess."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Looking

Two guys, one old and one young, are pushing their carts around a shopping mall when they collide. The old guy says to the young guy, "Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife, and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going." The young guy says, "That's OK. It's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too. I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate." The old guy says, "Well, maybe we can help each other. What does your wife look like?" The young guy says, "Well, she is 24 yrs old, tall, with blonde hair, blue eyes, long legs, big boobs, and she's wearing tight white shorts, a red halter top and no bra. What does your wife look like?" The old guy says, "Doesn't matter - let's look for yours."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

What do you call an Irishman who's had eight beers?

The designated driver.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Grayson Allen Stats

Grayson Allen is best known for tripping opponents and breaking the nose of a teammate.

Joke or Stats

Metroparker wrote:

Grayson Allen is best known for tripping opponents and breaking the nose of a teammate.

I don't get it either This is the joke thread not Stat thread. confused

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

The Reverend

Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."

Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"

--
Nuvi2797LMT (2) Nuvi260,Ford Sync3 Navigation. Captain Cook was a Yorkshire man too.

Another joke for married golfers

"Honey," asked the wife. "What would you do if I died?"
"Why dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife.
"No, of course not, dear" said the husband.
"Don't you like being married?" asked the wife.
"Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes," said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" asked the wife.
After a long pause. "Well, yes, I suppose I would," replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to," said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too!?"
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

sorry

Metroparker wrote:

Grayson Allen is best known for tripping opponents and breaking the nose of a teammate.

sounds like you enjoy sadistic humor

--
Never argue with a pig. It makes you look foolish and it anoys the hell out of the pig!

GENEROSITY

A travel agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world. The agent had experienced a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his office and said, "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer." He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight tickets and book a room in a five-star hotel. They, as can be expected, gladly accepted, and were off! About a month later, the little old lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly. "The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I'm here to thank you, but one thing puzzled me. Who was that old guy I had to share the room with?"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

IDEAL MARRIAGE

Q: You know why Adam and Eve had an ideal marriage?
A: He didn't have to hear about all the men she could have married. She didn't have to hear about the way his mother cooked.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

THE JAR

A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about two inches in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things-your family, your partner, your health, your children-things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal." "Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." But then, a student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full. The moral of this tale is that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for beer.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Aer Lingus

Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Irish Airlines, Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to New York, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

“Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.”

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued,

"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight.”

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later:

"If anyone is hungry, we have 40 dinners available."

Good One

Good One

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Simple, but to the point.

Well stated !

--
RKF (Bethesda, MD) Garmin Nuvi 660, 360 & Street Pilot

Aer Lingus

smile

--
Nuvi 2460

Fore!

Timantide wrote:

Many years ago during my married days, I accidentally overturned my golf cart.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out: "Are you okay? What's your name?"
"It's John, and I'm okay, thanks," I replied as I pulled myself out of the twisted cart.
"John," she said, (firm loose breasts undulating beneath her white silky robe) "forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on now," Elizabeth insisted.
She was so very pretty, very very sexy and very persuasive ... I was weak. "Well okay," I finally agreed but thought to myself, "my wife won't like it."
After a couple of restorative Scotch and waters, I thanked Elizabeth. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I'd best go now."
"Don't be silly!" Elizabeth said with a smile, letting her robe fall open slightly. "She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Still under the cart, I guess."

Now that's an ALBATROSS! wink

--
Freedom isn't free...thank you veterans! Heard about the tests to detect PANCREATIC CANCER? There aren't any! In Memoriam: #77 NYPD-SCA/Seattle Mike/Joe S./Vinny D./RTC...and God bless Donald Trump!

Erin go Braugh

GAJohn wrote:

Shortly after take-off on an outbound evening Irish Airlines, Aer Lingus flight from Dublin to New York, the lead flight attendant nervously made the following painful announcement in her lovely Irish brogue:

“Ladies and gentlemen, I'm so very sorry, but it appears that there has been a terrible mix-up by our catering service. I don't know how this has happened, but we have 103 passengers on board, and unfortunately, we received only 40 dinner meals. I truly apologize for this mistake and inconvenience.”

When the muttering of the passengers had died down, she continued,

"Anyone who is kind enough to give up their meal so that someone else can eat will receive free, drinks for the duration of our 5 hour flight.”

Her next announcement came about 2 hours later:

"If anyone is hungry, we have 40 dinners available."

Gotta love those Irish lassies!

--
Freedom isn't free...thank you veterans! Heard about the tests to detect PANCREATIC CANCER? There aren't any! In Memoriam: #77 NYPD-SCA/Seattle Mike/Joe S./Vinny D./RTC...and God bless Donald Trump!

I don’t mind that my wife thinks I’m crazy.

I mind that I have to hear it from our dog.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A man take his dog to the vet,

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and asks, "my dog's cross-eyed... is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So, he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then teeth.
Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."
"Why? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No, because he's really heavy."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The Brass Rat

A man walks into a pawn shop one day not looking for anything in particular. While browsing, the man sees a brass rat sitting on a shelf. The brass rat is on its hind legs standing proudly with a human wig on its head. The man picks it up and asks the owner of the shop, "how much?" The owner says, "It's $50, and all sales are final. You cannot bring it back here." The man accepts this and begins to walk home with the rat. As he is walking, he begins to notice real rats coming from every direction and start following him in a line. As he continues walking, more and more rats keep blindly following him. Eventually the man starts to become alarmed at the large number of rats following him so he runs to a nearby lake and throws the brass rat in. All of the rats jump in after it and drown as it quickly sinks to the bottom. Confused, the man goes back to the pawn shop to speak with the owner. As soon as he walks in the owner sees him and says, "I told you all sales are final, I'm not taking the rat back." The man says, "I'm not here to return the brass rat, I was wondering if you had a brass lawyer?"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

CARP - Canadian Association of Retired People Q & A's

Q: Where can single men over the age of 60 find younger women who are interested in them?

A: Try a bookstore, under Fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?

A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you're done, you will have a place to live.

Q: Someone has told me that menopause is mentioned in the bible... Is that true?
Where can it be found?

A: Yes. Matthew 14:92:
"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Egypt..."

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your over-60 year-old husband?

A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?

A: Take off your glasses.

Page 1>>