Factory Joke Thread – April 2016

How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
Ten tickles.

I hope you had somewhere to copy and paste that from and didn't have to type it all.

You better believe it. If I had to type every joke I post, they would all be one liners.

In the wealthy suburbs of Palm Springs, a strange malady was striking the gardeners on the large estates. They were becoming very morose and depressed, and had to be hospitalized.

The first signs of the disease were when they started complaining that the lawns were in terrible shape. A psychiatrist brought in to find out what was happening noticed that there were some gardeners who still remained cheerful and never developed the lawn-hating symptoms. The psychiatrist went over and over this group, trying to find out why they were immune and what they were doing differently.

Finally, he noticed that the healthy gardeners always had garden twine in the wheelbarrow, whereas the sick gardeners carried the roll in their pockets.

So then the cure was obvious: "Walk on, walk on, with rope in your cart, and you'll never knock a lawn."

Good One

New girlfriend has lots of discounts, BUT breaks down more frequently, always needing new parts, has extremely low trade in value, is always looking for a new owner and just doesn't maintain well.

As a group of soldiers stood in formation at an Army Base, the Drill Sergeant said, "All right! All you idiots fall out." As the rest of the squad wandered away, one soldier remained at attention. The Drill Instructor walked over until he was eye to eye with him, and then raised a single eyebrow. The soldier smiled and said, "Sure was a lot of 'em, huh, sir?"

I just won my very first cage fight tonight.Stupid Parrot didn't know what hit it.

My daughter is a college freshman. She has a monthly allowance that seldom lasts thru the end of the month due to recreational shopping and Insufficient impulse control.

Tonite she texted me, "ND MO $!!!!!!!!" So I called her, to explain that I expect to speak to her and understand why she could not stick to her budget ... And that her text-speak was unacceptably crass.

Amongst her explanations was that her text-speak is shorter/faster. So I texted her my answer:

Dad> NO.
Daughter> NO????? WHY ?????
Dad> CUZ NO IS SHORTER THAN YES

Dupe

This last one with the Bible verse had me nearly joking. LMAO Good stuff!

Good One!!

A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.

To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.

After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."

With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.

The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."

A guy on vacation finishes his round, goes into the clubhouse. The head pro says, "Did you have a good time out there?"

The man replied "Fabulous, thank you."

"You're welcome," said the pro. "How did you find the greens?"

Said the man: "Easy. I just walked to the end of the fairways and there they were!"

Great ending punch line!

Thanks!

Last Wednesday a passenger in a taxi heading for the airport
leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab. Then, the shaking driver said "Are you OK? I'm so sorry, but you scared the living daylights out of me."
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, "I didn't realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly."

The driver replied, "No, no, I'm the one who is sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."

...to say that myself.

That's like walking into a restaurant when no one else is around and the hostess asks "How many in your party?" I've answered "There's a hundred of us, the other 98 will be along later. Oh, and separate checks please." I hope it makes them stop and think a little about just how silly some of their comments really sound. Next time I go in I swear if one asks me what I want to drink I'll see what their reaction is to something like "A raspberry Slurpee please."

A bargain is something you don't need at a price you can't resist.

Good One!!

Worse is when you are by your self. They ask you how many and you tell them you are alone, they say "Party of one?" One is NOT a party.

LUTHERAN HUMOR
A woman brought an old book into a store specializing in old volumes. The dealer studied the book and said, 'This is a rare find, a Gutenberg Bible. It's worth a fortune!' The woman says, 'I had two of them, but I threw the other one out. Some guy, named Martin Luther, had written all over it !'

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.

He called the royal weather forecaster and
inquiredas to the weather forecast for the next few hours.

The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days. So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.

On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area". The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So he continued on his way.

However,a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky.

The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious,the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain." So the king hired the donkey.

And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

And the practice is unbroken to this day...

Well some of us are a party just waiting to happen. LOL

A man was granted two wishes by God.
He asked for the best drink and the best woman ever.
He got mineral water and Mother Teresa.

There are three kinds of men in this world.
Some remain single and make wonders happen.
Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen.
The rest get married and wonder what happened

Wives are magicians. They can turn anything into an argument.

When asked in class; Why do women live a better, longer and a more peaceful life than men.
A very INTELLIGENT student replied... "Because women don't have wives!"

Cool message to mother-in-law
Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!"

When a married man replies I'll think about it. What he really means is that he hasn't asked his wife for permission yet.

A lady says to her doctor My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep What should I give him to cure it.
The doctor replies Give him the opportunity to speak while he's awake

A little boy surprised his grandmother one morning by bringing her a cup of coffee he made himself. He anxiously waited to see if she liked the coffee, but his grandma had never had such a bad cup.

As she forced down the last sip she noticed three little green army men in the bottom of the cup. "Honey, why are there little green army guys in the bottom of my cup?"

The grandson replied, "You know, Grandma, it's like on TV the best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup."

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
“Yes, sir," the clerk replied.
"That's good," the boss said. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you."

Q: Am I more likely to get pregnant if my husband wears boxers rather than briefs?
A: Yes, but you’ll have an even better chance if he doesn’t wear anything at all.

Q: Can a woman get pregnant from a toilet seat?
A: Yes, but the baby would be awfully funny looking.

Q: What is the easiest way to figure out exactly when I got pregnant?
A: Have sex once a year.

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A: If it’s the flu, you’ll get better.

Q: My brother tells me that since my husband has a big nose, and genes for big noses are dominant, my baby will have a big nose as well. Is this true?
A: The odds are greater that your brother will have a fat lip.

Q: Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A: Yes, your bladder.

Q: Ever since I’ve been pregnant, I can’t go to bed at night without onion rings. Is this a normal craving?
A: Depends on what you’re doing with them.

Q: What is a chastity belt?
A: A labor-saving device.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: My blood type is O-positive and my husband’s is A-negative. What if my baby is born, say, type AB-positive?
A: Then the jig is up.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: ’Cause you’re fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question?

Q: Under what circumstances can sex at the end of pregnancy bring on labor?
A: When the sex is between your husband and another woman.

Q: What’s the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a Playboy centerfold?
A: Nothing, if the pregnant woman’s husband knows what’s good for him.

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: What does it mean when the baby’s head is crowning?
A: It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Does labor cause hemorrhoids?
A: Labor causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: Under what circumstances should a baby not be circumcised?
A: When it’s a girl, for starters.

Q: Where is the best place to store breast milk?
A: In your breasts.

Q: Is there a safe alternative to breast pumps?
A: Yes, baby lips.

Q: What does it mean when a baby is born with teeth?
A: It means that the baby’s mother may want to rethink her plans to nurse.

Q: How does one sanitize nipples?
A: Bathe daily and wear a clean bra. It beats boiling them in a saucepan.

Q: What are the terrible twos?
A: Your breasts after baby stops nursing cold turkey.

Q: What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A: When you see teeth marks.

Q: Can a mother get pregnant while nursing?
A: Yes, but it’s much easier if she removes the baby from her breast and puts him to sleep first.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper very quickly.

Q: Nannies aren’t cheap are they?
A: Not usually, but occasionally you’ll find a floozy.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in his shirt pocket and asks for another beer.

After drinking that one, he looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens about another seven times before the curious bartender asks him, "Every time you order a beer, you look in your shirt pocket, why?"

The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she starts to look good, I'll go home."

A mangy looking guy who goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, "No way, pal. I don't think you can pay for it."

"You're right," the guy says. "I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"

"You have a deal, my friend," says the bartender.

The guy reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a hamster. He puts the hamster on the bar and it runs to the end of the bar, down the side of the bar, across the room, up the piano, onto the keyboard and starts playing Gershwin music. The hamster can really play...

"You're right... I've never seen anything like that before," says the bartender. "That hamster is really gifted."

The guy downs the drink and asks the bartender for another. "Will that be cash or another miracle, pal?" asks the bartender.

"Watch this," replies the guy. Again, he reaches into his coat again and pulls out a frog. He puts the frog onto the bar, and the frog starts to sing. The frog has a marvellous voice and great pitch. A fine singer.

A stranger from the other end of the bar runs over to the guy and offers him $300 for the frog. "It's a deal," says the guy. He takes the three hundred and gives the stranger the frog. The stranger runs out of the bar.

"Are you some kind of nut?" asks the bartender. "You sold a singing frog for $300? It could have been worth millions. You must be crazy.
"
"Not Really, the man replies, "You see, that frog can't sing, the hamster is a ventriloquist."

A new version of an old joke. I like it.

Good one

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day.
AT WORK...you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON...you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK...you have to share.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required
AT WORK...you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK...you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON...there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK...they are called managers.

A man had just been hired as the new managing director of a large high tech London-based corporation. The managing director who was stepping down, met with him privately and presented him with three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can solve," he said.

Things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a downturn and the new MD was really catching a lot of heat. About at his wit's end, he remembered the envelopes.

He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." The new MD called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous MD. Satisfied with his comments, the press - and The City responded positively, sales began to pick up and the problem was soon behind him.

About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. Having learned from his previous experience, the MD quickly opened the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganise." This he did, and the company quickly rebounded.

After several consecutive profitable quarters, the company again fell on difficult times. The MD went to his office, closed the door and opened the third envelope. The message said: "Prepare three envelopes."

Good One!!

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a Coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a Coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.

"Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls-Royce, the exact amount of money is always there," says the man.

The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say."

Thanks for the Heads Up!

I am going to clean & check my attic right now....

Ron

A large Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good Lumberjack. The very next day, a skinny Irishman showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the Foreman's door.
The Foreman took one look at the small Irishman and told him to leave. "Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the Irishman.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the Foreman. "Take your axe and go cut it down."
The Irishman headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the Foreman's door.
"I cut the tree down," said the Irishman.
"Holy smokes!" Said the Foreman. "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," replied the Irishman.
Confused, the Foreman asked "...don't you mean the Sahara Desert?"
"Is that what they call it now?"

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders some coffee. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter,
"Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent. In a, very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
"Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler
"Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, "No... Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Sister Mary Ann, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting home-bound patients when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, a gasoline station was just a block away. She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas. The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned. Since Sister Mary Ann was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car. She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, Sister Mary Ann carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.
As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two Baptists watched from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, 'If it starts, I'm turning Catholic!!'

Three old men are golfing. One of them complains,
"Ya know, the hills these days are getting steeper and steeper"
His buddy one chimes in:
"Yep, and the clubs are getting heavier. They were way lighter when we were younger"
The third old man patiently listening finally says,
"Oh quit whining you two, at least we're on the right side of the grass."

THE WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry
me?' The girl said: 'NO!' And the girl lived happily
ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank
martinis, ate chocolate, always had a clean house,
never had to cook, did whatever the hell she wanted,
never argued, didn't get fat, traveled more, had many
lovers, didn't save money, and had all the hot water
to herself. She went to the theater, never watched
sports, never wore lacy lingerie that went up her ass,
had high self esteem, never cried or yelled, felt and
looked fabulous in sweat pants and was pleasant all
the time.

The End.

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl
whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the color
of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said,
'So why is the groom wearing black?'

Someone broke into my house last week. They didn't take my TV, just the remote.

Now they drive by and change the channels.

The sick bastards.

During a funeral, the pallbearers accidentally bump into a wall and hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find out that the woman is actually alive. She lives for 10 more years and then dies. There is another funeral for her. At the end of the service, the pallbearers carry out the casket. As they are walking out, the husband cries out, "Watch out for the wall!"

It's always the darn walls getting in the way of life...lol

There once was a milkman in a village. He was very shy but always very honest. He was always very meticulous about giving a person the exact amount of milk they wanted.
So you could imagine the milkman's surprise when he found a court summons waiting for him at his house.
He was very nervous as he had never brushed up against the law before. So, when the court day came, he put on his best suit, brushed his hair, and went on his way.
When he stepped into the court, he saw the baker in the plaintiff's bench. The milkman went into the defendant's bench and waited for the judge to speak.
"Baker, what is your complaint?" asked the judge.
"Well, here's the situation. Everyday I order a pound of milk. But, whenever I go to weigh it, it's always less than a pound. I want to be compensated for all of the money that was stolen from me by that filthy milkman!"
The judge turned to the milkman and asked, "Well, how do you plead?"
"Not guilty, your honor."
"Is it possible that your scale you use to weigh is not correct?" asked the judge.
"Well, your honor, I am not the richest man so I can't afford the most expensive scale. But I am positive that what I use is satisfactory."
The judge thought for a moment and then asked, "Is it possible that the stones you use as the counterbalance on the scale are slightly off?"
"I don't use stones." The milkman said plainly.
"So, what do you use?" The judge asked, exasperated.
"I use the pound of bread I get from the baker as the counterbalance."

Once there was this Indian who found that every time he bent over to pick up the paddle for his canoe, he'd get this terrible crick in his back. He went to see the doctor the next time he was in town, and the doctor said, "If this happens to you again, simply grasp the paddle with both hands, shove the bottom of the paddle into the ground, and pull yourself up."

The next day the Indian was reaching for the paddle when he once again got the crick in his back. Remembering what the doctor had told him, he grabbed the paddle and managed to slowly work his way up it.

When at last he was able to stand up again, he was very surprised to find himself up a paddle without a crick.

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter:
 
"Want coffee."
 
The waiter says, "Sure Chief. Coming right up."
 
He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee.....

The Indian drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.
 
The next morning the Indian returns.

He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other.

He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter:
 
"Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto!
We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway?"
 
The Indian smiles and proudly says,

"Training for position in United States Congress.

Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, Leave mess for others to clean up. Disappear for rest of day."
 
NOVEMBER 2016 VOTE WISELY!