Factory Joke Thread – March 2016

As a child I was ordered to walk the plank.
We could not afford a dog.

Whenever I walk past the medicine cabinet I am quiet for I do not want to wake up the sleeping pills.

A penny saved is a government oversight.

Vandals had set fire to a farmer’s haystack which then spread to his barn.
While he surveyed the wreckage, his wife called their insurance company
and asked them to send a check for $50,000 the amount of insurance on the barn.
“We don’t give you the money,” a company official explained.
“We replace the barn and all the equipment in it.”
“In that case,” replied the wife, “cancel the policy I have on my husband.”

LOL

A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. Candy, too.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful bunny was dead.

The driver felt guilty and began to cry. A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
I feel terrible,” he explained, “I accidentally hit the Easter bunny and killed it. What should I do?”

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!!!!

The man was astonished. He said to the woman, “what in heaven’s name is in your spray can?”

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label it said:
“Hair Spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.”

An Easter Revival

A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place. Candy, too.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful bunny was dead.

The driver felt guilty and began to cry. A woman driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.
I feel terrible,” he explained, “I accidentally hit the Easter bunny and killed it. What should I do?”

The woman told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!!!!

The man was astonished. He said to the woman, “what in heaven’s name is in your spray can?”

The woman turned the can around so that the man could read the label it said:
“Hair Spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.”

"Margie, I’m just having one more pint with the lads.

If I’m not home in 20 minutes, read this message again.”

I was playing with this 85-year-old man recently on a course that I was unfamiliar with. On the third hole, I asked him what's the best part of the fairway to be on, and he replied, "the top."

Hard to get the correct grip if you are under it.

Four high school boys afflicted with spring fever skipped morning classes. After lunch they reported to the teacher that they had a flat tire.

Much to their relief she smiled and said, "Well, you missed a test today so take seats apart from one another and take out a piece of paper."

Still smiling, she waited for them to sit down. Then she said: "First Question: Which tire was flat?"

Good One!!

1 - I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

2 - There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

3 - Life is sexually transmitted.

4 - Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

5 - The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

6 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

7 - Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

8 - Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.

9 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

10 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal..

11 - How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

12 - Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out?'

13 - If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?

14 - Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?

15 - If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

16 - If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

17 - Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

18 - Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?

19· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

20· Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email
address?

My kid texted me "PLZ" because it is shorter than "Please".
I texted back "no" because it is shorter than "yes"

haha

Ralph, an old retired sailor, puts on his old uniform and heads for the docks in Dartmouth once more, for old times sake and some hot sex. He engages a lovely prostitute and takes her up to a room. He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age, but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing?'
The prostitute replies, 'Well Ralph, ya old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'
'Three knots?' he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean?'

She says, 'You're knot hard, you're knot in, and you're knot getting your money back.'

"If you make any money, the government shoves you in the creek once a year with it in your pockets, and all that don't get wet you can keep."- Will Rogers

If you see me eating a salad in a restaurant, I've been kidnapped and I'm trying to signal you.

"Send someone over quickly!" the old woman screamed into the phone. "Two naked men are climbing up toward my bedroom window." "This is the fire department, lady," the voice replied. "I'll have to transfer you to the police department." "No, it's you I want," she yelled. "They need a taller ladder!"

A woman telephoned a veterinarian and asked him to come examine her cat. "I don't know what's wrong with her," the woman told him. "She looks as if she's going to have kittens, but that's impossible. She's never been out of the house except for when I had her on a leash." The vet examined the cat and said there was no question about her pregnancy. "But she can't be," protested the woman. "It's impossible." At that point a large tomcat emerged from under the sofa. "How about him?" asked the vet. "Don't be silly," answered the woman. "That's her brother."

Good One!!!

There was a duck that walked into a store and said, “Got any candy?” The storekeeper said, “No, we don’t.” The next day, the duck went into the same store and asked the same thing and got the same answer. The duck kept going back every day for a week and asked the same thing and kept getting the same answer until the store keeper got so angry he said, “if you come in here and ask that again, I will hit you on the head with a hammer!” The next day, the duck walks into the store and asks, “Got a hammer?” The store keeper says, “No.” Then the duck asks, “Got any candy?”

What did the shark plead in the murder case?…Not gill-ty.

Algae A (to Algae B): “How are things?”Algae B: “Good thanks; business is blooming.”

Why does the mermaid wear seashells?…Because she grew out of her B-shells.

Why did the fisherman start doing drugs?… Pier pressure.

Did you hear about the red ship that collided with the blue ship?… All the sailors were marooned.