Factory Joke Thread – May 2024

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

Please read all the forum rules before posting, and keep in mind...

"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."

This thread will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

~Angela

Three Daughters...

A woman is walking home with her three daughters- Rose, Lily, and Cinderblock.

Rose asks her mother, “Mom, why did you name me Rose?”

To which her mother replies, “Well sweetie, when we were coming home from the hospital with you a rose fell on your head!”

Lily, curious now, asks her mother “Mom, why did you name me after a flower too?”

To which her mother replies, “Well sweetie, when we were coming home from the hospital with you a lily fell on your head!”

Cinderblock says to her mother, “hghghdnbgh!!? dnbgh!??!”

--
GPSMAP 76CSx - nüvi 760 - nüvi 200 - GPSMAP 78S

The best drunk story of the month?

However, it’s only the first of the month!

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.  Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.  He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:
'I went by your grandma's house today and
I saw her in the hallway buck-naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!'

The biker looks at him and doesn't say a word.
His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.    

The drunk leans on the table again and says: 
'I got it on with your grandma and she is good,  
the best I ever had!'  
The biker's buddies are starting to get really mad  
but the biker still says nothing.  


The drunk leans on the table one more time and says,   
'I'll tell you something else, boy,    
your grandma liked it!'    

At this point the biker stands up,   
takes the drunk by the shoulders  
looks him square in the eyes and says................... 

'Grandpa,.......... go home!

--
Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

old age

I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.

--
Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Quick One

There once was a fellow from France
who waited 10 years for the chance
He muffed it.

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

The Bartender Knows

He knows all our sorrows and all our joys,
He knows all the girls that chase the boys

He knows all our troubles and all our strife,
He knows every man that steps out on his wife,

If the Bartender told all he knows
He would turn all our friends to bitter foes,

He would start forth a story which, gaining in force,
Would cause all our wives to sue for divorce!

He would get all our homes mixed up in a fight,
He would turn all our bright days to sorrowful nights.

In fact, he would keep the town in a stew
If he told one-tenth of all he knew!

So when out on a party and from home you steal drop in for a drink--the Bartender won't squeal!

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

I don't like thinkg about the number 288

I found out that it's two gross.

I Don't Like Thinkg About The Number 288

Yup

Pondering Age Old Questions

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so
I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing,
and I said, "Nothing."
The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?"
At that moment, I would have needed to clarify that men ponder deeply on diverse subjects, sparking further inquiries.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know?
Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion:
A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."
But you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case.
Time for another beer. Then maybe a nap.

I never quite thought about it that way before

But, that IS the truth!

--
With God, all things are possible. ——State motto of the Great State of Ohio

Pondering Age Old Questions

So true !!!

--
Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

The alligator, the toothache, and free beer for life

A man is walking down the sidewalk when he comes across a bar. A sign in the bar window says, "Free beer for life!"

He walks in and ask the bartender what he has to do to get the free beer for life. The bartender replies, "You have to drink this gallon of Jack Daniels. Then you have to go out back where we keep an alligator and pull the tooth that is giving him a toothache. Last, you have to go upstairs and make whoopee with the winner of first prize for ugliest woman in the world."

The man says, "Easy. Let's see that bottle!" It takes him a while, but he drinks the entire gallon of Jack Daniels. Every last drop.
Then he stumbles out back to the alligator.

Soon the bar patrons are treated to the sound of a crazy, wild racket. Heavy bodies slamming and pounding all over the ground and walls. Things smashing and breaking. The rear wall is slammed so hard the patrons seated near it fear it will break in, and rush over to tables further away.

If the bar patrons didn't know what alligator screaming sounded like before, they do now. It was so loud they had to cover their ears. Who knew alligators could be so loud? That was one very angry alligator!

Finally the sounds stop. There are a few moments of silence. The bar patrons look around at each other, wondering if the man survived. But soon he stumbles through the back door, clothes ripped, dripping blood from cuts and gashes all over.

The bar patrons look for the alligator tooth, but he isn't holding it. Was he not able to get the tooth? They wait anxiously for him to explain.

The man stops to catch his breath. "Okay," he yells. "Now where's that woman with a toothache?"

Cute every time

Melaqueman wrote:

However, it’s only the first of the month!

A drunken man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.  Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table.  He gets up, staggers to the table, leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says:
'I went by your grandma's house today and
I saw her in the hallway buck-naked.
Man, she is one fine looking woman!'...
At this point the biker stands up,  takes the drunk by the shoulders  
looks him square in the eyes and says................... 

'Grandpa,.......... go home!

Aah, and oldie but a goodie. Makes me smile every time I see it.

Phil

--
"No misfortune is so bad that whining about it won't make it worse."

Trade

Fred was driving home from one of his business trips, in Northern Arizona , when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the Indian got into the car.
Resuming the journey, Fred tried - in vain - to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo man. The old man just sat silently, looking intently at everything he saw, studying every little detail, until he noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Fred.
"What in bag?" asked the old man.
Fred looked down at the brown bag and said: "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my wife."
The Navajo man was silent for another moment or two. Then, speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, he said:
"Good trade

Be wary of old golfers

An old man and a 20 year old are paired together at a golf tournament. They’re playing a long par 5 that dog legs around some tall trees.

As the 20 year old sets up his tee shot to hit onto the fairway the old man notes “when I was your age we used to hit over the trees - not around to the side.”

So the 20 year old readjusts and tries to hit over the trees - but can’t clear them and loses his ball. He tries again and loses that one too…

Then the old man says “of course, when I was your age, those same trees were only 6 foot tall.”

--
John from PA

Be wary of …

A thief enters a house at night, intending on robbing the place. In the dark, he starts hearing:

"Jesus is watching you... Jesus is watching you..."

Panicked, he looks around for the source of the whisper. He finds a parrot in a cage, with the name "Moses" pinned on it. Relieved, he says:

"Who's the idiot who named a parrot Moses?"

The parrot answers:

"The same idiot that named the pitbull Jesus".

--
John from PA

Three young boys at CVS

Three boys 5, 7, and 8 years old go to the CVS checkout and put three chocolate bars on the counter and a box of tampons. The clerk questions the oldest boy about why he is buying tampons?

He replies, "They're not for me. They're for Billy here. We saw a TV commercial that said if you wear them you can swim or ride a bike and Billy can't do either yet."

--
John from PA

Limerick Day

May 12 was National Limerick Day. Sooooo...

On the chest of a barmaid in Sale
Was tattooed the prices of ale
And on her behind
For the sake of the blind
Was the same information in braille

--
GPSMAP 76CSx - nüvi 760 - nüvi 200 - GPSMAP 78S

I make omelettes using hard-boiled eggs.

They're hard to beat!

I Make Omelettes Using Hard-Boiled Eggs.

good one

Ahh yes ...

John from PA wrote:

An old man and a 20 year old are paired together at a golf tournament. They’re playing a long par 5 that dog legs around some tall trees.

As the 20 year old sets up his tee shot to hit onto the fairway the old man notes “when I was your age we used to hit over the trees - not around to the side.”

So the 20 year old readjusts and tries to hit over the trees - but can’t clear them and loses his ball. He tries again and loses that one too…

Then the old man says “of course, when I was your age, those same trees were only 6 foot tall.”

...that one's been around a while. Legend has it Sam Snead said to to a young player on the 13th hole at Augusta National, home of the Masters. https://www.telegraph.co.uk/golf/2023/04/06/augusta-ruined-t...

Aging Not So Gracefully

• I'm responsible for what I say, not what you understand.

• Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it.

• It's not my age that bothers me; it's the side effects.

• I'm not saying I'm old and worn out, but I make sure I'm nowhere near the curb on trash day.

• As I've gotten older, people think I've become lazy. The truth is I'm just being more energy efficient.

• I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the produce department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.

• I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

• I'm on two diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.

• Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.

• Sometimes God puts you in the same situation again to see if you're still as dumb.

• There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is that once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest

Don't enter that church, you damn fool !!!

A guy is watching a film with creepy organ music on the TV when he suddenly yells, “Don't enter that church, you damn fool !!!”
His wife asks him, “What are you watching?”
Husband replies, “Our wedding video”

Want to hear a construction joke?

I'm actually still working on it.

Oil is made from dinosaurs.

Oil is made from dinosaurs. Plastic is made from oil. Therefore, plastic dinosaurs are actually made from real dinosaurs

--
Illiterate? Write for free help.

Dear Mum & Dad,

I am very well, I hope you are too. Tell big brothers Sean, Paddy and Mick that the Army is better than working on the farm; tell them to get into the Army quick before the jobs are all gone.
I was a bit slow settling down at first because you don't get out of bed until 6am, but I got used to it and I like sleeping in now. All you do before breakfast is make your bed, shine your boots and clean your uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack, nothing. Men must shave, but it’s not too bad because there's hot water and a light to see what you’re doing. For breakfast there’s cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no fillet steaks or sausages. You don't get fed again until noon, and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march', which is just like walking to the well in the meadow.
This will kill Sean and Paddy with laughter but I keep getting medals for shooting!! I don’t know why because the bull’s-eye is as big as a bloody bull's head and it doesn't move and it’s not firing back at you like the Murphy’s did when our bull got their cow in calf before the Ballina show. All you have to do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - piece of piss. You don't even load your own cartridges – they come in boxes and you don't have to steady yourself against the roll bar of the tractor when you reload. Sometimes we wrestle with the city boys and I have to be very careful because they break easy - it's not like fighting with Sean, Paddy, Mick and all the other local fellas all at once like we do.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either; it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got. I've only been beaten once by this guy from Dublin - he's 6 foot 8 and 120 kilos so he’s a good bit bigger than me but I fought to the end.
I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets out how good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Siobhàn.

Older Women are so smart

After being married for 50 years, I took a careful look at my wife one day and said, “Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10—inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep with a hot 23—year—old girl every night.

Now, I have a $500,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I’m sleeping with a 69—year—old woman. It seems to me that you’re not holding up your side of things.”

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 23—year—old girl and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10—inch black and white TV.

Aren’t older women great? They really know how to solve an old guy’s problems.”

a equine joke

Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? Because he was a little horse.

I detest negativity

I stop at nothing to avoid it.

how?

If the earth is round, how can it have four corners?

--
Illiterate? Write for free help.

Pondering Age Old Questions

good points and very true

Children Are Quick

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.

TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.


TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong.
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O.
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.

TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

TEACHER: Harold, what do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
HAROLD: A teacher
Ouch!