Factory Joke Thread – January 2016

Dog: WAT DOING
Me: Nothing. I just stood up.
Dog: WHERE GO
Me: I'm literally walking a few yards away. I'm not even leaving the room.
Dog: CAN I COME?
Me: I mean sure but I am literally just -
Dog: I COME TOO
Dog: WAT DOING
Me: I need to open this door.
Dog: I HALP
Me: No, you're in front of the door. Move please.
Dog: I HALP
Me: Sigh.
Dog: WHERE GOING
Me: Nowhere.
Dog: CAN I COME?
Me: Sure.

Ron, an elderly man in Florida, had owned a large farm…

…with a big pond in the backyard for several years. The pond was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nicely with picnic tables, horseshoe pits, and citrus trees.

One evening…

…the old farmer decided to go down and check on the swimming hole, because he hadn’t been to that area of the property in a while. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence, and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”

Ron frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked.”

Rob held the bucket up high and said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”

Two guys drove to a gas station for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest.

“If you win, you’re entitled to free sex,” said the attendant.

“How do we enter?” asked the men.

“Well, I’m thinking of a number between 1-10, and if you guess right, you win free sex.”

“O.K., I guess 7,” said one of the guys. “Sorry, I was thinking of 8,” replied the attendant.

The next week, the two same guys returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the one fellow asked the attendant if the contest was still going on.

“Sure,” replied the attendant. “I’m thinking of a number between 1-10, if you guess right, you win free sex.”

“2,” said the customer.

“Sorry, I was thinking of 3,” replied the attendant, “Come back soon and try again.”

As they walked back to the car, the one downtrodden fellow said to the other, “You know, I’m beginning to think this contest is rigged.”

“No way” insisted the other. “My wife won twice last week.”

The difference beteen wrestling refs and football refs is that it is the job of wrestling refs to look stupid.

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in
Buffalo were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the
announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You
must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the
snow ploughs can get through. " So the good wife went out and moved her
car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the
radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the
snow ploughs can get through. " The good wife went out and moved her car
again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the
radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.
You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was
very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't
know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the
snow ploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,

"Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time."

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority recently found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston. Everyone involved was concerned that these crows might have died from Avian Flu, so they had a bird pathologist examine the remains of all the crows. To everyone's relief, it was determined that the problem was definitely not the Avian Flu. Instead, the cause of death looked to be from vehicular impacts.
During the detailed analysis of the crows, it was noted that there were varying colors of paints found on the birds' beaks and claws. By analyzing the paint residue, it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by the impact of trucks, and only 2% were from impact with a car.
The Massachusetts Turnpike Authority then hired an ornithological behaviorist to look into the cause for the disproportionate percentages of crows killed by trucks versus crows killed by cars.
The ornithological behaviorist came up with the answer very quickly. The cause? When crows eat roadkill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn the other crows of impending danger.
While all the lookout crows could say the word "Cah," none of them could say "Truck."

This is great!

now that's funny

My kind of hero!

Q: Why don't the monkeys in the jungle play poker any more?
A: There are just too many Cheetahs.

Locomotive: A crazy reason for doing something.

A man calls 911 and says "I think my wife is dead".

The operator says, "How do you know?"

The man says "The sex is about the same, but the ironing is piling up!"

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature.

She said she would like to come back as a cow.

I said, "You obviously haven't been listening."

My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare for the worst.

So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her clothes back.

Great jokes. Good laughs

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"
The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.
When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.
Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied. "She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

God bless Medicare!

A deaf couple on their honeymoon spend all day traveling and then check into a tall fancy hotel late in the day. They get to the room, only to realize they've forgotten the champagne. The guy signs that he'll run out and get some. So he drives to the store and grabs the best bottle he can find. As he gets out of the car back at the hotel, he realizes that he's forgotten which room he's in. Thinking for a second, he gets back into the car and blows the horn nonstop for a good 20 seconds. All of the lights in the hotel light up.....................except 1.

Two sisters, a blonde and brunette just inherited a ranch. They thought that the ranch looked a little empty so they wanted to buy a bull, and together they had $500 to spend. The brunette found an ad in the paper that had a healthy bull for sale for $499, and together they decide to buy him. The brunette then goes off to inspect the bull and after being satisfied with the bull, the brunette needed her sister to come pick the animal up. She had to send a telegram to her sister telling her to come with a trailer to get the bull. The telegrams cost $1 per word. The brunette thinks for a minute and decides on the word comfortable. The telegram guy asked "Why comfortable?" "Because my sisters a blonde and she will read it slow."

My 11-year-old grandson spent 
a beautiful Saturday playing video games. His older sister tried coaxing him outside by warning, “Someday, you’re going to be 30 years old, single, and living in Mom’s basement playing video games all day!”
His reply: “I can only dream.”

if it weren't for the 19 inches of snow in my driveway with more falling!

Fred in Washington, DC

Zeek was in court trying to represent himself. He was far from recovering from injuries sustained when a politician in a limo ran a stop sign which resulted in the death of Zeek's mule Bessie. The high power attorney repeatedly interrupted Zeek as he tried to answer the question, Yes or no. Did you tell the officer at the scene, I'm fine?

Well, Zeek would begin, you see, I was goin' north on 16 in my pickup pullin' my trailer with Bessie...Sir just answer the question. Yes or no. Did you tell the officer at the scene, I'm fine?

After about the fifth round the judge broke in and said. I'd like to hear Zeek's story.

Well said Zeek, I was pullin' my trailer with Bessie when this big limo ran the stop at county road 24. He knocked my pickup into the yonder ditch and Bessie's trailer flew into Jessie's corn field. The last thing I saw was Bessie flying through the air and bouncing on the road ahead.

I could hear Bessie moaning when officer Willy pulled up. He saw Bessie in the road in mortal pain. Mercifully I heard him fire the shot and my dear Bessie went silent. I lay there on the ground unable to move when Willy, flustered and shaking, stepped over me, gun still drawn, and with a quiver in his voice asked, you hurt bad?

That's when I yelled, I'M FINE!

The speaker is interested in the supernatural experiences that the audience members may have been through. "Raise your hand if you have ever seen a ghost" About 80% of the audience raises their hand. "Great" says the speaker "now keep your hand raised if you have spoken to a ghost" Half of them lower their hands. "Ok this is good, now has anyone here had any actual physical contact with a ghost"? Only about ten people still have their hands raised, the excitement of the speaker is palpable "Now, has anyone here ever made love to a ghost"? All hands go down, except for one guy right up the back of the auditorium. "WOW that is amazing sir, please could you come up on to the stage". The man slowly makes his way to the stage, slightly nervous about the attention he is getting. "Sir could you please tell us what that experience was like, to make love to a ghost"? The man edges closer to the microphone and says "ghost? I'm sorry I thought you said GOAT"!

A drunk man is questioned by a police officer at midnight, asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am going to attend a lecture on alcohol abuse & ill effects on my health." Officer: Really....??? Sounds interesting, Who is giving that lecture at this time of night.....???"
Man: "My Wife"!!!

You lose half your money and your wife is still around.

The new manager walked all around the factory, inspecting his workers, when he came to a room where he saw someone slacking off, leaning against the wall. The manager hid behind a few pipes and watched the employee for 5 minutes. The person didn't move a muscle, so the manager aproached him and ordered him to get into the manager's office.
"What is your name?" Asked the manager. "Steven," he replied. "And how much do you make in a week?" "I make about 400 dollars." the manager pulls out 400 and hands it to him. "Here's this week's pay, now get out of here and never let me see you again!" Steven then gets up and goes away. Realizing he needs a replacement, the manager then walks up to a random worker and asks him: "that guy, Steve, who just left, what does he do around here?"
"Oh Steve?" Replied the worker, "that's the pizza delivery man!"

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street. "But officer." the man began, "I can explain,".

"Just be quiet," snapped the officer. "I'm going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back..."

"But officer, I just wanted to say...." "And I said to keep quiet! You're going to jail!"

A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, "Lucky for you that the chief is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back." "Don't count on it," answered the fellow in the cell. "I'm the groom."

A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.
Ahead of him is a guy who's dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, “Who are you,
so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ?”

The guy replies,
“I'm Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot,
“Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.”

The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it's the priest's turn. He stands erect and booms out, “I am
Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary's for the last 43 years.”

Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest,
“Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.”

'Just a minute,' says the good father.
'That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only
cotton and wood. How can this be?

“Up here - we go by results,” says Saint Peter.
“When you preached - people slept. When he flew -people prayed.”

I knew you'd like it!

Good One!!!

As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Vernon, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on M25. Please be careful!"

"Hell," said Vernon, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

Loved it...

is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?

I was visiting our nation's Capitol last weekend when one of the worst winter storms in history blew in!

It was so cold outside that I saw a politician with his hands in his own pockets!

he'd already gotten to your wallet.

Went to the gym yesterday. Same time as always. All my usual exercise buddies were there ... and someone new. She was gorgeous. Fit. Spectacular muscle definition, but still very [cough] feminine. Wearing a sports bra and spandex pants. Wow ...

I approached the nearest trainer ...

Me> She new?

Trainer> Jill? No. She's one of our morning, regulars.

Me> What machine workout could I do that would impress her?

Trainer> You??? Impress Jill??? You should probably use the ATM.

My favorite one so far!

The daughter asks her Dad:

"Dad there is something that my boyfriend said to me that I didn't
understand. He said that I have a beautiful chassis,
lovely airbags and a fantastic bumper."

Her Dad said:

"You tell your boyfriend that, if he opens your hood and tries to
check your oil with his dipstick, I will tighten his lug
nuts so hard that his headlights will pop out and he will
start leaking oil out of his exhaust pipe."

A nun hears overhears a bunch of construction workers swearing and decides to head over there for lunch one day...
The nun sits down at the lunch table with her little sack lunch and turns to a group of workers and says:
"Have any of you ever heard of Jesus Christ?"
One worker stands up and yells to everyone on the site: "Hey! Has anyone here ever heard of Jesus Christ?"
Another worker shouts back: "Why?"
The first worker says: "Because his mom's here with his lunch!"

Good one.

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover"
or "Boy." I call mine "Sex."
Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
When I went to the City Hall to renew his dog license, I
told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex. He said,
"I'd like to have one too." Then I said, "You don't under-
stand. I've had Sex since I was nine years old." He said,
"You must have been quite a kid!"
When I got married and went on my honeymoon, I took
the dog with me. I told the hotel clerk that I wanted a room
for my wife and me, and a special room for Sex. He said,
"Every room in the place is for sex." I said, "You don't un-
derstand. Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said,
"Me too."
One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the compe-
tition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked
me why I was just looking around. I told him I had planned
to have Sex in the contest. He told me that I should have
sold tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "l had
hoped to have Sex on T.V." He called me a show-off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight
for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, l had Sex
before I was married." The judge said, "Me too." Then I
told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, “Me
too."
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around
town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What
are you doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I
said, "l'm looking for Sex."
My case comes up Friday.

Then the nurse came in.

As she shut the door, she whispered the three words that no man wants to hear:

"Who was that?"

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old,
Hateful little bastard.
Bites! 

FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. 

FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.
Also 1 gay bull for sale.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.

WEDDING DRESS FOR  SALE .
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.

**** And the WINNER is... ****

FOR  SALE BY OWNER.
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything. 

Statement of the Century 
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"