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Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."
Frequently Asked Questions
A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband 's temper. The Doctor asks: "What's the problem? The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me." The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down.” Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?" The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick".
... To which the farmer responds "Well, the plumber is coming in the morning..."
This is actually a pretty funny joke.
These jokes are always a great late night read. Thanks as always!
That was funny.
A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was...
God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"
A Jewish businessman in Brooklyn decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip. The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. Oh, and by the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oh, my," said the father. What have I done?" He decided to go ask his old friend Jacob what to do. Jake said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do." So they went to see the rabbi. The rabbi said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "Funny you should ask. I, too, sent my Son to Israel....
They sit down and strike up a conversation.
"So you moved down here after you retired. What did you do before?"
"I was in the sporting goods business. I started out selling socks from a cart. Before long I had a little store. The business grew, slowly at first, but after thirty years I owned the biggest sporting goods store for fifty miles. I wanted to slow down a little and enjoy my success, but none of the kids were interested in the business, and I had a hard time finding a buyer. Then, tragically, the store burned to the ground. Luckily, I had good insurance. It paid off more than enough to retire on, so here I am! What about you?"
"My story is much the same. I spent my life in the shoe business, until a flood wiped me out. Insurance saved me as well. I decided not to rebuild, just moved down here to relax."
"Wow, that's something. I have one question, though."
"How do you start a flood?"
The only way to pull off a Sunday
afternoon "quickie" with their 8 year old son in the apartment was to send him
out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the
He began his commentary as his parents
put their plan into operation:
"There's a car being towed from the
parking lot," he shouted.
"An ambulance just drove
"Looks like the Andersons have company,"
he called out.
"Matt's riding a new
"Looks like the Sanders are
"Jason is on his skate
After a few moments he
"The Coopers are having
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in
Dad cautiously called out..."How do you
know they're having sex?"
“Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony
with a Popsicle."
A couple was in a busy shopping center just after Christmas.
The wife suddenly noticed that her husband was missing, and as they
had a lot to do, she called him on his cell phone. The wife said
"Where are you? You know we have lots to do."
He said, "Do you remember the jewelry store we went into about 10 years ago, and you fell in love with a diamond necklace? I could not afford it at the time, and I said that one day I would get it for you."
Little tears started to flow down her cheek, and she got all choked
up. "Yes, I do remember that shop," she replied.
"Well, I ran into a couple of the guys and we're in the TWIN PEAKS PUB right next to that store."
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the Cabbie**said, "Perfect timing. You're just like "Brian!
*Cabbie:* "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."
*Passenger: *"There are always a few clouds over everybody."
*Cabbie:* "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."
*Passenger:*"Sounds like he was something really special."
*Cabbie:* "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."
*Passenger:*"Wow. Some guy then."
*Cabbie: *"He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."
Passenger:*"An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"
*Cabbie:* "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his f******g widow."
I am dating a widow now. Thank God her late husband was just like me...or am I just like him!?!?!?
Oy! This one is very good!
How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
The beatings will continue until morale improves.
Police were called to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
A policeman spots a woman driving and knitting at the same time. Driving up beside her, he shouts out the window... "Pull over!"
A Father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock.. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting..
"A young man with his pants hanging half off his rear, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing."
The social worker behind the counter said "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2016 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say, but you will also have, as part of your job, the assignment to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bull-shittin' me!"
The social worker said,
"Yeah, well . . . You started it . . . . “
A man was shipwrecked on a deserted island for ten lonely years. One day he spotted a ship on the horizon. He frantically waved his arms until he saw a rowboat making its way to shore. In it was a man in a captain's uniform. "Thank God!" the shipwrecked fellow rejoiced. "I thought I was never going to be rescued."
"How long have you been here?" the captain asked as he waded ashore.
"Ten years," the man replied.
"How have you coped all that time on your own?"
"Well, I'm quite a resourceful fellow. I built a house and learned to hunt and fish."
"But ten years without sex?" the captain exclaimed.
"Not completely," the man replied sheepishly. "About six months ago I was down here on the shore when I noticed an ostrich up the beach with its head buried in the sand. I crept up behind it, and..."
"Oh, you poor man, that must have been horrible."
"Well, it was all right for the first five miles," he replied, "but then we got out of step."
Whats a pirates favorite letter? (Most people will say RRRRrrrrr). Then counter with a loud "NO ITS THE C!!!"
"The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits".
Another difference is "Genius does not hurt."
They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.
Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband:"I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen."
There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice."Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped you off!"
Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, come and get me."
He retorted,"I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your damn car!"
Panache told us earlier this month:
Very philosophical, even if a bit rude.
10. Not being healthy may take years of your life, but they will be the last years and wouldn't have been fun anyway.
Then I see:
Erectile dysfunction 'linked to risk of early death'
Researchers say that those who experience erectile dysfunction should undergo health tests
As Pananche says, why bother?
This is Alan next door. I'm sorry buddy, but I have a
confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt
these past few months and have been trying to get up the
courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now
telling in text as I can't live with myself a moment
longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been
sharing your wife, day and night, when you're not
around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven't
been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I
know. The temptation was just too much... I can no
longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my
sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it
won't happen again. Please come up with a fee for
usage, and I'll pay you. Regards, Alan.
Bill, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun,
and shot his neighbor dead. He returned home
where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the
sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he has a
subsequent message from his neighbor.
THE SECOND MESSAGE
Hi Bill, This is Alan next door
again. Sorry about the slight typo on my
last text. I know you'll figured it out anyway,
but I'm sure you noticed that my auto correct changed
'WiFi' To 'Wife'. Technology hey?!? Hope you
saw the funny side of that. Regards, Alan.
What would they call a drugs festival at Stonehenge? Stonedhenge.
What would they call afternoon tea at Stonehenge? Sconehenge.
The fine print is usually a clause for suspicion.
What vegetable did Christopher Columbus not want on his ship? A leek.
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