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Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."
Frequently Asked Questions
I returned to the USA yesterday from Frankfurt. The flight attendant working the Business Class cabin was stunning. Gorgeous. Her name badge showed, "Angela." I glimpsed her Lufthansa ID, "Angela Benz."
I began to flirt with her, and her with me. I asked if she was any relation to Mercedes Benz, she smiled and said, "Yes. We are the same price!"
I knew a woman like that...the same price too!
And he brings along a gorgeous young lady.
"Well guys, meet my new fiancée" he says, full of pride. And for the rest of the afternoon the friends can't take their eyes off the beauty.
After the round of golf the rich man goes up to the bar to order drinks for the group. One of his friends accompanies him and quietly asks: "how did you manage to hook up with such a beautiful young lady? You're seventy. She must be at least fourty years younger than you!"
"I lied about my age"
"And she believed you!? How old did you say you were?"
"I told her I was ninety"
I don't think people will say he's in a better place.
The recession has hit everybody really hard.
My neighbour got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
CEO's are now playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.
I saw a Mormon with only one wife.
If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.
McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.
Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.
My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!
A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.
A picture is now only worth 200 words.
The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.
I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc.,
I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call centre in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.
How do you make holy water?
Put it in a pot and boil the hell out if it.
A man was walking thru a food market calling CRISCO,
A store clerk said CRISCO is in aisle 7 sir.
Sorry I am looking for my wife. Clerk; Is that your
NO that's what I call her when we are out.
Clerk What do you call her at home?
PS That night he had 2 black eyes
I don't get it. Can someone explain it to me?
• How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
• Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
• A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
• I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
• Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
• England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
• I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
• They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
• I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
• Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
• I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
• This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
• I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
• Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
• I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• Broken pencils are pointless.
• What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
• I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
• All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. The police have nothing to go on.
• I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
• Velcro - what a rip off!
• Don’t worry about old age; it doesn’t last.
A young Arab boy asks his father, "What is that weird hat you are wearing?"
The father said, "Why, it's a 'chechia' because in the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun."
"And what is this type of clothing that you are wearing?" asked the young man.
"It's a 'djbellah' because in the desert it is very hot and it protects the body." said the father.
The son asked, "And what about those ugly shoes on your feet?
His father replied, "These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet from hot sand in the desert."
"So tell me then," added the boy.
"Yes, my son?"
"Why are you living in Dearborn Michigan, and still wearing all this crap?
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore…
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
I liked them.
One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven. He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, POOF! he turns the statues into real people.
The man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite satisfied with himself, grinning from ear to ear.
He says to the couple, "You guys have been staring at each other while locked in stone for the last 100 years, completely unable to do a thing about your urges for each other." He pauses, and then adds: "It's still pretty early, and people don't usually get to the park for another 30 minutes. You two should go into that covered area and…well, just have a good time."
The man caught the eye of the woman, who had a twinkle in her eye and wore a mischievous grin. She bit her lip seductively, and with that the man grabbed her hand and the two ran off to the bushes.
The angel then found himself privy to giggles, laughter, rustling, and squeals of delight. Fifteen minutes later, the couple emerged from the bushes hand-in-hand, out of breath and faces flush.
The angel glanced at his watch. "You still have fifteen minutes, you know. You can have another round if you'd like!"
The woman turned excitedly to the man and exclaimed, "Ok! But this time, you have to hold the pigeon while I get to crap on its head!!"
"Houston, we have a problem."
"What's the problem?"
"Please tell us?"
"You know what the problem is."
"If you understand me at all, you would've known!"
But Humble Pi's wife, Four, is too square. Perhaps she is the
root of all evil: i
Or; I could just be imagining it all.
I recall my first time with a condom. It was the summer I was 14. I went in to
buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. It took a lot of guts to ask for them
because it was a very small town and my high school teacher had a summer job
working there. She could see that I was really embarrassed by the whole
procedure. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.
I honestly answered, 'No, not really'. So she unwrapped the package, took one
out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on
tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused.
She took my hand walked me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and
removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you'?
She asked. I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was stand there with my
mouth open and nod my head.
As she dropped her skirt and was removing her panties, I put the condom on.
'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time'.
It was wonderful.
She looked at me with a bit of a frown. She asked, 'Did you put the condom on?' 'Sure did,' I told her ... and I held up my thumb to show her. That is
when she beat the crap out of me.
Women have always been hard for me to figure out!
"Houston, we have a problem."
"What's the problem?"
"Please tell us?"
"You know what the problem is. If you understand me at all, you would've known!"
HOUSTON: Ummmm... all right, I guess... Well is it okay now?
ASTRONAUT: It's FINE.
HOUSTON: Ummmm... it doesn't SOUND like 'It's fine.'
ASTRONAUT: /Seething silence/
A thoughtful Scottish husband was putting his coat and hat on
to make his way down to the local pub.
He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said,
"Maggie - put your hat and coat on, lassie."
'She replied, 'Awe Jock that's nice. Are you
taking me tae the pub with you?"
'Nay," Jock replied
"I'm turning the heater off while I'm oot.'
What was King Arthur's favorite game? Knights and crosses.
What was Camelot? A place where people parked their camels.
The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
The pun is mightier than the sword.
What did Harold say when he was hit by an arrow. "I'm all aquiver."
The Normans won because they were better at arrow dynamics.
What phrase in battle did William hate? "Fire at will."
What happens to deposed kings? They get throne away
A doting father used to sing his little children to sleep until he overheard the four-year-old tell the three-year-old, "If you pretend you're asleep, he stops."
...and tells the RJ,"I found this purse outside Raven's club. It has 1500 dollars in cash, a credit card, an iPhone 6s, and a driving license with Rebecca's name on it."
The RJ asks in an impressed tone,"It was good of you to call us. Do you need my help contacting her so that you can return the purse?"
"No. I just wanted to request a sad song for Rebecca."
An engineering firm is looking to fill a position, and has interviewed a few dozen applicants. They've winnowed it down to just three candidates, and they're all bright, motivated, and experienced. To make the final decision, the interviewer decides to pose one last question to each of them. He tells the three interviewees, "So this building we're in, any idea how tall it is, down to the inch?" All three shake their heads. Turning to the first he says, so if I gave you an accurate barometer, how would you determine the height? The engineer pauses and says, "Well, I'd measure the pressure difference between the roof and ground, use that to find the change in altitude". Nodding, the interviewer turns to the second candidate. "And you? How would you measure this?", "Well" says the second engineer, "I would measure the shadow cast by the barometer and the shadow cast by the building. We know the length of one, we can find the length of the other". "Very good!" said the interviewer, finally turning to the last engineer. "And you?" After a moment's thought the third engineer finally says, "I think I'd just find the building manager, offer to give him a shiny new barometer if he told me how tall the building is."
when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner."
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder. 'Don't move until I tell you to." she said, "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Joneses bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when they went to bed.
Around 2 in the morning, the husband got out of bed went to the kitchen and returned with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the statue, "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Joneses for 2 days, and nobody offered me as much as a glass of water."
A ginger, a brunette, and a blonde have to climb a 1000 step pyramid to get to heaven. At every step, God tells them a joke, and if they laugh, they go to hell.
The ginger goes first, gets to the 156th step, laughs, and gets sent to hell.
The brunette goes second, gets to the 548th step, laughs, and gets sent to hell.
The blonde goes last, gets to the 1000th step, and laughs. God asked her why she laughed at the last step, and she said "I finally got the first joke."
A shipwreck survivor washes up on the beach of an island and is surrounded by a group of warriors. “I’m done for,” the man cries in despair. “No, you are not,” comes a booming voice from the heavens. “Listen carefully, and do exactly as I say. Grab a spear and push it through the heart of the warrior chief.” The man does what he is told, turns to the heavens, and asks, “Now, what?” The booming voice replies, “Now you are done for.”
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
Is it open season for blonde jokes again? I'm glad I've become .... bold.
Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decided they needed to spice up their love lives.
All three agreed to wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes that evening with their respective lovers.
After a few days they meet up for lunch and compared notes.
The engaged woman: "The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my life. I love you.' Then we made love all night long."
The mistress: "Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we had wild sex all night."
The married woman: "I sent the kids to stay at my mother's house for the night when my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes.
As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,
'What's for dinner, Batman?'"
The young bride's mother had some old-fashioned ideas of marriage, and passed them on to her daughter. "Never let your husband see you in the nude," she advised. "You should always wear something." "Yes, mother," replied the obedient girl. Two weeks after the wedding, the girl and her brand-new husband were preparing to retire when the guy asked, "Dear, has there ever been any insanity in your family?" "Not that I know of," she answered. "Why?" "Well, we've been married for two weeks now and every night you've worn that silly hat to bed."
I wake up to a knock at my door at 5 AM. I'm thinking what in the world! Who is knocking at my door at 5 AM? I get up out of bed and check who is knocking. I look outside and it's a cop. So I think, why in the world is there a cop knocking on my door at 5 AM! I haven't done anything wrong that I know of. So I open the door and say " Good morning officer. How may I help you." The officer says " We have been receiving complaints recently." I'm thinking " What in the world? I haven't done anything!" So I say " What's seems to be the problem officer?" He then responds with " We have been getting calls about your dog chasing people on bikes." I sit there for a second and think. I then reply " I'm sorry officer, but my dog doesn't even know how to ride a bike."
A housewife takes a lover during the day, while her husband is at work, not aware that her 9 year old son was hiding in the closet. Her husband came home unexpectedly, so she hid her lover in the closet. The boy now has company.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "No, thanks."
Boy: "My dad's right outside."
Man: "OK, how much?"
Boy: "250 dollars."
After a few weeks, it happens again - the boy's father comes home early and the boy and the mom's lover are in the closet together.
Boy: "Dark in here."
Man: "Yes, it is."
Boy: "I have a baseball glove."
Man: "That's nice."
Boy: "Want to buy it?"
Man: "I really don't."
Boy: "I'll tell."
Man: "How much?"
Boy: "750 dollars."
A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove. Let's go outside and toss the baseball!" The boy says, "I can't. I sold them." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" The son says, "1,000 dollars." The father says, "That's terrible to over-charge your friends like that. That is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to church and the father alerts the priest and makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Oh, don't start that again!"
I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"
"What dear?" She asked gently.
"I think you bring me bad luc
An 85-year-old Biker Bob was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, ‘Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow. ’
The next day Bob reappeared at the doctor’s office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the old biker explained, 'Well you see, doc, it’s like this. “First I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my old lady for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. 'We even called up Sally, the Gal next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin’ it between her knees, but still nothing.’ The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'
Bob replied, 'Yep, none of us could get that damn jar open.’
It was raining hard and a big puddle had
formed in front of the little Irish pub.
An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water.
A curious gentleman asked what he was doing.
'Fishing,' replied the old man.
'Poor old bugger' thought the gentleman,
so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.
Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked,
'And how many have you caught today?'
'You're the eighth.'
Six retired Italian Floridian fellows were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Guido loses $1,000 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table.
Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.
At the end of the game, Giovanni looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna' tell his wife?"
They cut the cards. Pasquale picks the low card and has to carry the news.
They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.
"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me!"
So, Pasquale goes over to the Guido's condo and knocks on the door.
The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants? Pasquale declares: "Your husband just lost $1,000 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."
"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.
"I'll go tell him." says Pasquale.
Please remember the forum rules, particularly regarding politics.
Any posts on this thread that violate the forum rules will be removed.
One day a civil engineer dies and goes before St Peter. St Peter gravely tells him that he must go to Hell.
So the engineer goes to Hell, looks around and thinks: 'What a shithole. Who designed this place?' So he says 'Hey! Satan...'
A few years later, God discovers that the engineer was on the wrong list and should have been allowed entrance to Heaven. So God goes down to Satan and explains the situation to him, and demands the engineer back.
Satan laughs at God and says 'You want HIM back? No fucking way. Look at this place: since he arrived, we've got R/C Aircon, elevators and escalators so we don't have to climb the mountains, we've got water filtration, comfortable accommodation, 24-hour electricity, we've got a new hotel with a pool that has a bar in the middle of it, the lighting's great, the beer's on tap in public fountains. Why the heck would I give this guy back to you?
God says: 'Give him back, or I'll sue you.'
Satan just laughs and asks 'And where are YOU going to get a lawyer?'
My church told me to leave and never come back. Why? The sermon asked the question, "What gift would you give Jesus for his birthday?" The pastor called on several of us in the congregation ... Apparently, "a paternity test," is an unacceptable answer!
The fine print is usually a clause for suspicion.
Who is the greatest chicken-killer in Shakespeare? Hamlet's killers, because they did murder most foul.
Harper Lee wrote an alcoholic version of her bestseller called Tequila Mockingbird.
Two blondes are in a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water.
A game warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says,
Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses.
We don't have any, replied the first woman.
Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses, said the game warden....
But officer, replied the second girl, we aren't fishing.
All we have are magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris
off the bottom of the river.
The game warden lifted up the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe
magnets tied on the end of each line.
Well, I know of no law against it, shrugged the game warden, take all the debris you want.
And with that, the game warden left.
As soon as he was out of sight, the women started laughing hysterically.
What a dumb Game Warden!
Doesn't he know that there are steelheads in this river?
I shall seek and find you.
I shall take you to bed and control you.
I will make you ache, shake and sweat until you grunt and groan.
I will make you beg for mercy.
I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I leave you.
And you will be weak for days.
All my love,
A party official visits the farmer in his simple living quarters and proclaims
"Comrade, for your hard work and absolute dedication to the great leader and the Democratic People's Republic, we would like to reward you with a car"
The humble farmer nods silently to show his appreciation, the party official continues;
"As you know, North Korean industry is the the most powerful and efficient in the world, and as such we will have your car delivered to you in exactly 8 years"
The humble farmer then signals to the official to wait, and he crosses the room to check his calendar. After flipping through for some time he finally says;
"Morning or afternoon?"
The party official is rather offended, and remarks "comrade, you are being given a car! And that privilege aside, delivery is 8 years away, what does it matter if its morning or afternoon?"
To which the farmer responds "Well, the plumber is coming in the morning..."
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