This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.
It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.
Please read the forum rules before posting.
"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."
Frequently Asked Questions
To help save the economy, the Federal Government will announce next month that the Immigration Department will start deporting seniors (instead of illegals).
This is in order to lower Social Security and Medicare costs.
Older people are easier to catch and . . . they will not remember how to get back home.
I almost started to cry when I thought of you.
AND THEN. . . IT DAWNED ON ME - - - - OH CRAP !!!
I'll see you on the bus !!! Sarcastic smile
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your Support Waiter. What seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're using the soup; try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl; what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem; how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer; what has that to do with the fly in my soup?!
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the Soup of the Day!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest Soup of the Day?
Patron: You have more than one Soup of the Day each day?
Waiter: Yes, the Soup of the Day is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the Soup of the Day now?
Waiter: The current Soup of the Day is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.
[Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check]
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
[The waiter leaves.]
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
Soup of the Day . . . . . . . . . . $5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day. . $2.50
Access to support . . . . . . . . . $1.00
(From Joke Of The Day)
Old man, well into his eighties, goes to a doctor for a regular checkup.
The doctor examines him, makes several tests, looks at him and he can't believe what he sees. He says:
"Old man, this can't be true! You're old, but you're healthy as a teenager. No hypertension, no elevated sugar levels, your ECG is perfect... How is that possible?"
"Well" old man replies "probably because I'm physically active. You see, I walk every day, I go fishing regulary..."
"No" the doctor interrupts him "that couldn't possibly explain this phenomenon. This must be genetic. Tell me, how old was your father when he died?"
"My father is not dead! - the old man replies - He's alive and well just as I am. We go fishing together."
The doctor is gobsmacked. With a shaky voice, he asks:
"How old is he?"
"Almost a hundred. He married young."
"Wow! This is phenomenal! Now, how about your grandfather? Can you remember how old was he when he died?"
"He's not dead either! He's almost 120."
Now the doctor is skeptical.
"I guess he too goes fishing with you and your father?"
"Oh, no, this week he'll be at home, he's preparing for his wedding"
"He's getting married at 120?"
"Well, he doesn't really want to, but his parents are nagging him..."
I'd hate to think what the age of his fiancé is...lol
you take away the ring, and there goes your house
A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.
“What’s the matter dear?” she whispers as she steps into the room. “Why are you down here at this time of night!?”
The husband looks up from his drink, “It’s the 20th anniversary of the day we met.”
She can’t believe he has remembered. She starts to tear up.
The husband continues solemnly, “Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15.”
Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.
“Yes, I do,” she replies.
The husband pauses… the words were not coming easily.
“Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?”
“Yes, I remember,” said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continued.
“Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, ‘Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?'”
“I remember that too,” she replied softly…
He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, “I would have gotten out today.”
It used to be wine, women, and song. Now it is beer, the Ol' Lady, and TV.
I hear you
What is the sound of sh*t happeninq.
Let sh*t happen to someone else.
Confucius say: "Sh*t happens!"
This sh*t happened before.
If sh*t happens, you deserve it.
If sh*t happens, it is not really sh*t.
If sh*t happens, it is the will of Allah.
Why does sh*t always happen to us?
A Jewish businessman in America decided to send his son to Israel to absorb some of the culture of the homeland. When the son returned, the father asked him to tell him about his trip.
The son said, "Pop, I had a great time in Israel. By the way, I converted to Christianity." "Oy vey," said the father. "What have I done?"
He decided to go ask his friend Jacob what to do. Jacob said, "Funny you should ask. I too sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian. Perhaps we should go see the rabbi and ask him what we should do."
So they went to see the Rabbi. The Rabbi said, "Funny you should ask.I too sent my son to Israel. He also came back a Christian. What is happening to our young people? Perhaps we should go talk to God and ask him what to do."
The three of them prayed and explained what had happened to their sons and asked God what to do. Suddenly a voice came loud and clear from Heaven. The Voice said, "funny you should ask, I too sent my son to Israel..."
"Hello?", "Hi honey. This is Daddy. Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul."
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now."
Brief Pause. "Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."
"Okay Daddy, just a minute."
A few minutes later the little girl comes back to the phone. "I did it Daddy." "And what happened honey?" he asked.
"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"
"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too. He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window and into the swimming pool. But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water last week to clean it. He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead."
Then Daddy says,
"Swimming pool? .... Is this 486-5731?"
A government organization that actually listens to you!
Two old ladies were sitting out in front of a nursing home smoking, when all of the sudden it began to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut the tip off and slid it over her cigarette and continued smoking.
Lady 2: "What in the world is that?"
Lady 1: "A condom."
Lady 2: "Where can I get one??"
Lady 1: "At the pharmacy!"
So the other old lady walks to the drug store, straight to the pharmacist.
Lady: "I'd like to buy some condoms please!"
Pharmacist: "There are many kinds, do you need anything in particular?"
Lady: "I don't care, as long as they'll fit on a Camel!"
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And that's how the fight started.....
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said,'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And that's when the fight started...
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself." And that's when the fight started.....
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?" And then the fight started...
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway." The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 165 in about 2 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started......
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.' And then the fight started...
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight started........
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?' That's how the fight started.
My sister and I were at the mall and
passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.
As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind
the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied,
”No, I’m just looking at your nuts.”
My sister started to laugh hysterically.
The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away.
To this day, my sister has never let me forget.
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.
The wife glares at her husband and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."
"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough, I want a divorce!"
"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."
Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babeon his arm.
"Who's that woman with George?" asks the wife.
"That's his mistress," says her husband.
"Ours is prettier," she replies.
A husband and wife were driving through Louisiana. As they approached Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth, then they stopped for lunch. At the counter, the husband asked the blonde waitress, "Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are very slowly?" She leaned over the counter and said, "Burrr-gerrr Kiiing."
There are some great ones there!!!!
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license.
She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
‘What does it look like?’ she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, ‘It’s square and it has your picture on It.’
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman. ‘Here it is,’ she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, “OK, you can go. I didn’t realize you were a cop…
Did you hear the one about the blonde who locked her keys in her car?
She had to call AAA to let her out.
Did you hear the one about the blonde who locked her keys in her car?
She had to call AAA to let her out.
I thought it was because it was raining and she left the top down and her keys were in the ignition.
John Bradford, a Sydney University student, was on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got in the car and closed the door, just to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on!
The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched how the hand appeared every time they came to a curve. John saw the lights of a pub down the road so, gathering strength, jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and asked for two shots of tequila. He then started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A silence enveloped everybody when they realized he was crying and.... wasn't drunk.
About 15 minutes later, two guys walked into the same pub. They were also wet and out of breath. Looking around and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other, "Look, Bruce.. there's the Idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it.
I would love to see the face of a Pharmacist on this one.
Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.
Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.
So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.
I don’t know about that new pro,” said Cameron at the golf club. “He may be a little strange.”
“Why do you think that?” asked Francis.
“He just tried to correct my stance again,” said Cameron.
“So?” said Francis. “He’s just trying to help your game.”
“Yeah, I know, but I was standing at the urinal at the time.”
0 K memory
A bad spot on the disk.
A couple of open splices
A few bits shy of a word.
A few bricks shy of a load.
A few cans short of a six pack.
A few fries short of a Happy Meal.
A little light in his/her loafers.
A loose chip on the micro processor.
A quart low.
About as bright as an LED.
About as sharp as a bowl of jello.
About as sharp as a bowling ball.
About as sharp as a sack of wet leather.
About fifteen cents short of quarter.
About three cents short of a dollar.
Air between the ears.
All booster - no payload.
All crown - no filling.
All his/her eggs in the same basket.
All his/her marbles in one bag.
All the lights don't shine in his/her marquis
An 8080 in a 68000 environment
As thick as two short planks.
Attic's a little dusty.
Back burners not fully operating.
Bad spot on the disk.
Bats in the belfry
Body by Fisher - brains by Mattel
Car's only got three wheels, and one's going flat.
CPU not connected to the bus.
Crazy as a loon.
Crazy as all get out
Doesn't have all his/her dogs barking.
Doesn't have all of his/her groceries in the same bag.
Doesn't have all the dots on his/her dice.
Doesn't have both oars in the water.
Doesn't know if his/her biscuits (bread) are (is) all done.
Doesn't know which side of the toast the butter is on
Doesn't have enough sandwiches for a picnic.
Driving with two wheels in the sand.
Dumb as a box of rocks.
Echoes between the ears.
Elevator doesn't go to the top floor.
Got a few tiles missing from his/her Space Shuttle.
Got a screw loose.
Got one boot stuck in the sand.
Got the mental agility of a soap dish.
Had a head crash.
Half a brick short of a full load.
Half a bubble off plumb.
Half a quart low.
Has a few screws loose.
Has a mind like a sieve
Has a room temperature IQ.
Has bats in his/her belfry.
Has not all his/her china in the cupboard.
Hasn't enough sense to come in out of the rain.
He/she ain't wrapped too tight.
He/she doesn't have both oars in the water.
He/she has both oars in the water, but on the same side of the boat!
He has signs on both ears saying Space for Rent
He/she has two brains. One is lost and the other is out looking for it.
He/she is only hitting on 7 cylinders.
He/she is playing hockey with a warped puck
He/she isn't playing with a full deck.
He/she left the store without all of his groceries.
He/she lost his trollies
He/she parked his head and forgot where he left it.
He/she antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
He/she a couple of volts below threshold
He/she about as smart as bait
He/she dumber than a red brick.
He/she flying on one engine.
He/she got a few wait states.
He/she got a mind like a steel trap - anything entering gets crushed and mangled
He/she got a mind like a steel trap -- rusty and stuck closed.
He/she got the attention span of an overripe grapefruit.
He/she not digging in the same ditch with the rest of us!
He/she not running on full thrusters.
He/she oat a mind like a steel trap -- full of mice.
He/she reading off a empty disk
He/she running at 400 baud
He/she swapped out
He/she two tacos short of a combination plate.
He/she working with an unformatted disk
He/she chimney's clogged.
He/she elevator is stuck between floors.
He/she little red choo choo jumped the track.
He/she skylight leaks a little.
He/she dialing thumb must be broken.
He/she reset button is glitching.
The porch light is on, but there's nobody home
If (his/her) IQ was 2 points higher (he/she) would be a rock.
If brains were dynamite He/she couldn't blow her/his hat off.
If brains were dynamite, he/she wouldn't have enough to blow his/her nose.
If He/she had another brain, it'd be lonely.
If he were any more stupid, he would have to be watered twice a week.
In a world of Hard Disks, he/she is using a 1S-2D floppy for brains.
In the shopping mall of the mind, He/she is in the toy department.
He/she Isn't playing with a full deck.
It would be easier to count the bricks left than the bricks missing
"Judging by the old saying, ""What you don't know can't hurt you"", she/he's practically invulnerable."
Light not burning too bright.
Loony as a jay bird.
Loose chip in the micro processor.
Loose wire to headset/ringer.
Lugnuts rattling in the hubcaps.
Mainspring's wound too tight.
Missing a few catalog cards
Missing a few gears.
Missing a few marbles.
"Mouth is in gear, brain is in neutral."
Nice house not much furniture.
Nine pence in the shilling.'
No one at the throttle.
Not firing on all thrusters..
Not hitting on all cylinders.
Not playing with a full deck.
Not playing with a full deck? hell he's not even in the game!
Not too tightly wrapped.
Nothing between the stethoscopes.
Nutty as a fruitcake
Off his/her rocker.
Oil doesn't reach his dipstick.
On the batting end of a no-hitter.
One brick shy of a load.
One cylinder mind
One shingle shy a roof.
Only operating at about half a watt.
Only playing with 51 cards.
Only playing with the jokers.
Over the Rainbow
Paddling with one oar.
Paralyzed from the neck up.
Pin 8 is floating.
Playing hockey with a warped puck.
Probably like to do everything the hard way like making love while standing in a hammock.
Raw cookie dough.
Renewable energy source for hot air balloons.
Riding a tipsy canoe.
Running on empty.
Sailboat fuel for brains.
"Sending back packets, but the checksums are wrong."
Sharp as a bowling ball.
She was minus so many buttons
Short a few cards.
Six shy of a dozen.
Skating on the wrong side of the ice.
Some bugs in his software.
"Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled."
Somebody else is doing the driving for that boy!
Someone blew out his pilot light
Surfing in Nebraska
Teflon brain (nothing sticks)
The best part of you ran down your mother's legs.
The brains of a house plant
The caboose seems to be pulling the engine.
The carnival has closed.
The cheese has slid off his cracker.
"The gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming "
The going got weird and he turned pro.
The smoke doesn't make it to the top of his chimney.
The synapses are about that far apart.
There's a leak in his ceiling
There's no wind in the windmills of his mind.
Thick as a brick.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Toys in the attic
Twelve shy of a dozen
Two bits shy of a word
Vacancy on the top floor.
Was hiding behind the door when they passed out brains.
Was napping in the nut pile the day that God was cracking nuts.
"When he plays poker, it's hard to tell whether he has an ace on his sleeve or if the ace is missing from his deck altogether."
You can hear the wind whistling through his ears.
Your clock doesn't have all its numbers.
Your little red choo-choo's gone chugging 'round the bend.
Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing.
He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.
The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".
The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So he continued on his way.
However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.
Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional.
Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.
The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So the king hired the donkey.
And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.
A senior couple decides to try viagra for the first time ever. They have an incredible night together.
In the morning, the wife asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. “Thanks for asking, but, I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."
Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again.
"No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says………..
"Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving!"
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Detroit Lions. The only thing the coaches' team was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and went so far as to examine the Canadian and European Leagues but couldn't find a single tenable ringer who could almost guarantee a Super Bowl win.
One night while watching a CNN report, he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan. What caught the coaches' eye was a young Afghan soldier with a truly incredible arm. The coach watched in absolute amazement as this Afghan soldier threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window over a 100 yards away.
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, this one right into a chimney.
Then he threw another at a passing car going over 90 mph.
BULLS-EYE - BOOM!!!
"I have got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"
So, the coach tracks this soldier down in a remote corner of Afganistan, brings him to the United States and teaches him the great game of Football. And the Lions go on to win the Super Bowl!
The young Afghan is hailed as one of the greatest heroes of football and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young Afghan quarterback wants...is to call his mother.
"Mom," he yells into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old Afghan woman says."You are not my son..!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've just won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week and now I have to keep your sister in the house to keep her from getting raped!" The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says,
"I will never forgive you for making us move to Detroit!!!!"
Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US government class.
The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about.
Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.'
Being nervous, and embarrassed about my upcoming colonoscopy, on a recommendation, I decided to have it done while visiting friends in San Francisco where the beautiful nurses are allegedly more gentle and accommodating.
As I lay naked on my side on the table, the gorgeous nurse began my procedure.
"Don't worry, at this stage of the procedure, it's quite normal to get an erection," the nurse told me.
"Well, I haven't got an erection," I replied.
"No, but I have," replied the nurse.
Don't get a colonoscopy in San Francisco ....
Midwestern storms are causing wind, hail and tornado's.
Detroit Mayor is asking people to take shelter in the Lions Stadium, as there is no chance of a touchdown there.
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says "I've lost my electron," The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive.”
A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
Hello, captain. What's the situation?
A woman killed her husband. 12 stabs, 2 gunshot wounds, half burnt, and thrown down the stairs.
Oh my god, what was the reason?
She told us the husband intentionally started walking on the floor which she recently cleaned.
Did you arrest her?
No. We're waiting for the floor to dry.
I wonder if my wife would let me try...lol
"Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving!"
That "20 Long Years" joke is a classic that never gets old! LMAO
Italian Men Golfers
Vinnie, an 80-year-old Italian
goes to the doctor for a check-up.
The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,
'How do you stay in such great physical condition?'
I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says Vinnie, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape.
I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways.
I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'
"Well" says the doctor, "I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it.
How old was your Father when he died?'
'Who said my Father's dead?'
The doctor is amazed. "You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive.
How old is he?"
"He's 100 years old" says Vinnie.
In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive.
He's Italian and he's a golfer, too."
"Well" the doctor says, "that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that.
How about your father's father?
How old was he when he died?"
"Who said my Nonno's dead?"
Stunned, the doctor asks, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living!Incredible, how old is he?"
"He's 118 years old" says the Old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point
"So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?"
"No, Nonno couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today."
At this point the doctor is close to losing it.
Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?"
"Who said he wanted to get married?"
(In case you haven't seen this).
Purdue University: Natural Born Citizens
Those of you who worry about Democrats versus Republicans -- relax, here is our real problem.
In a Purdue University classroom, they were discussing the
qualifications to be President of the United States.
It was pretty simple. The candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.
However, one girl in the class immediately started in on how unfair it
was of the requirement to be a natural born citizen.
In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president. The class was taking it in and letting her rant, and not many jaws hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating,
"What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?"
Yep, these are the same kinds of 18-year-olds that are now voting in our elections!
They breed, and they walk among US. Lord, we need more help than we thought we did!
Funny ..... but more sad
I fear that this is more of a problem than we care to admit!
I wonder how she feels about sleeveless outfits and the right to bare arms?
I'll show myself out.
I want a closed casket for my funeral. However at the end of the service, please have the organist play "Pop Goes the weasel"over and over until everyone in attendance is staring at my coffin with silent, horrified anticipation.
“Harry,” whined Mary, to her husband of 20 years. “What should I do?!
I’m not ready for old age! I’m only 40 years old but I look and feel like I’m over 55! My face is all wrinkly, my back is bent over, and my hair is all thinned out.”
“Well,” said Harry after looking her up and down, “There is one thing about you that still works as good as new.”
“Oh Harry!” said Mary sitting down next to her husband, “you always know just what to say! What are you referring to?”
“Never mind” said Harry looking down.
“C’mon Harry, please tell me what you were referring to.”
“Mary, please don’t make me.”
“Harry I insist.”
“Well I was going to remark about how your eyesight seems to be working just fine!”
A manager walks by his blonde secretary's desk when he notices she is crying her eyes out. Concerned for her well being, he asks her gently:
"What's the matter?"
To which the blonde replies, “Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my aunt had passed away.”
The boss, feeling very sorry for her, suggests to the young girl. “Why don’t you take a day, go home and rest.
We're not very busy, so just take this time for yourself.
The blonde very calmly replies “No, I’d be better off here. It's good to keep my mind off of it and I have the best chance of doing that here.”
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to work as usual. “If you need anything just let me know.”
Well, a few hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde.
He looks out over his office and sees the blonde crying hysterically.
He rushes out to her asking, “What’s so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?”
“No”, exclaims the blonde, “I just received a horrible call from my sister and she said that HER aunt died too!”
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