Factory Joke Thread – September 2015

A woman is in court in front of the Judge who is accused of attacking her husband with several of his guitars.

The judge asked her, "First offender?"

She replied, "No, first a Gibson, second a Fender"

This husband thought he was going to catch hell from his wife for coming home late and drunk out of his mind. What happens next is absolutely priceless.
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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s Halloween party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Opening his eyes, the first thing that he sees is a couple of aspirin next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean.

So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirin, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: “Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make you your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian”.

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son … What happened last night?”

“Well, you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind. You fell on the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door.”

Confused, he asks his son, ‘So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?”

His son replies, “Oh, THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone, I’M MARRIED!’”

After being married for 50 years, a friend of mine took a careful look at his wife one day and said, "Fifty years ago we had a cheap house, a junk car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10-inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 23-year-old girl. Now ... I have a $750,000 home, a $45,000 car, a nice big bed and a large screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 73-year-old woman. It seems to me that you're not holding up your side of things."

His wife is a very reasonable woman. She told him to go out and find a hot 23-year-old girl and she would make sure that he would once again be living in a cheap house, driving a junk car, sleeping on a sofa bed and watching a 10-inch black and white TV.

Dear Son,

I’m writing this slow ’cause I know you can’t read fast. We don’t live where we did when you first left. Your father read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles of home, so we moved. I won’t be able to send you the address ’cause the last family here took the numbers with them for their next house, so they wouldn’t have to change their address.

This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in, pulled the chain, and I haven’t seen ’em since. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Aunt Sue said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the heavy buttons, so we cut ’em off and put them in the pockets.

Your father has a new job with several hundred people under him. He cuts the lawn at the cemetery.

About your sister - she had a baby this morning. I haven’t found out whether it’s a girl or a boy, so I don’t know if you are an Aunt or and Uncle.

We got a bill from the funeral home, said if we didn’t make the last payment on Grandma’s funeral, up she comes. Your Uncle Joe fell in the whisky vat yesterday - some men tried to pull him out but he fought ’em all off and finally drowned. We cremated him right after and he’s still burning good this morning.

The neighbors next door have started to keep pigs. We just got wind of it this morning.

Your father took me to the doctor’s the other day. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to open it for ten minutes. Your father tried to buy it from him.

It only rained twice last week. Once for three days, then for four days. It was so windy that one of our chickens laid the same egg four times.

Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pick-up truck, one was driving, two in the back. The driver rolled the window down and swam out. The two in the back couldn’t get the tail-gate open so they drowned too. Not much news this time, nothing much happens round here, will try to write more next time.

Love, Your Mama

P.S. Was going to send you money, but the envelope was already sealed.

Baked Skunk
Clean, skin, wash. Bake in oven with salt and pepper. Tastes like rabbit (no smell).

Bear Fat Pastry
1-1/2 cups flour, 1/2 tsp. salt, 1/3 cup bear fat (from a little black bear that was eating berries). Makes rich white pastry.

Boiled Bone Grease
Boil whatever bones are left after all the meat has been cut off. Boil them all in a big pot for two hours. Then let the grease get cold in the pot. It is easy to pick the grease off. Keep the grease to eat with dry meat or add to pounded meat.

Boiled Lynx
Cut up the lynx and boil it until it is soft and well cooked. Good to eat with muktuk.

Boiled Porcupine
Make a fire outside and put the porcupine in it to burn off the quills. Wash and clean well. Cut up and boil until done.

Boiled Reindeer Head
Skin and wash the head well. Then chop it in quarters, splitting it between the eyes with an axe. Cover with cold water and boil until soft. One can also roast in an open pan in an oven very slowly.

Boiled Reindeer Or Caribou Hoofs
Put hoofs (skin still on them) in a large pot. Cover and boil for a couple of hours. The skin will peal off easily. The muscles are soft and very good to eat. The toe nails also have some soft sweet meat inside them.

Boiled Reindeer Tongues
Boil tongues until thoroughly cooked. Potatoes and vegetables are good with this.

Boiled Smoked Beaver
Smoke the beaver for a day or so. Cut up the meat and boil it with salted water until done.

Dry Fish Pudding
Pound up 5 to 6 dry fish. Throw away skin. Add sugar, a little grease, and cranberries.

Frozen Fish Eggs
Take fish eggs out and freeze them. They are good to eat like this.

Grizzly Bear Steaks
Cut up meat as for frying and fry in deep grease in frying pan.

Jellied Moose Nose
Cut the upper jaw bone of the moose just below the eyes. Boil in a large kettle for 45 minutes. Remove and chill. Pull out all the hairs (like plucking a duck) and wash until none remain. Place nose in a kettle and cover with fresh water. Add onion, garlic, spices, and vinegar. Bring to a boil, then reduce heat and simmer until meat is tender. Let cool overnight. When cool, discard the bones and cartilage. You will have white meat from the bulb of the nose and dark meat from the bones and jowls. Slice thinly and alternate layers of white and dark meat in a loaf pan. Let cool until jelly has set. Slice and serve cold.

Muktuk (meat inside skin and fat of a whale)
After taken from whale, leave 2 days hanging up to dry. Cut into 6” x 6” pieces. Cook until tender. After cooked, keep in a cool place in a 45-gallon drum of oil, in order to have muktuk all year.

Muskrat Tails
Cut off the tails and dip them into very hot water. Pull off the fur. Either cook them on top of the stove, turning them on top of the stove, turning them after a few minutes, or boil them. (This is the same method as for beaver tails. Both are very sticky to eat.)

Oven-Roasted Lynx
Wash and clean the hind legs of the lynx and roast it with lard and a little water.

Steamed Muskrat Legs
Cut off the muskrat’s legs, dip in a bowl of flour with salt, pepper, and other strong seasoning. Put grease into a large frying pan. Put in the muskrat legs. Cover and cook for a long time as they take long to become tender. The strong seasoning takes away the actual taste of the muskrat.

Stuffed Muskrat
Clean the rats well and put them in a roaster with bread stuffing on top. Roast until the muskrats are soft.

R

Q. What does HMO stand for?
A. This is actually a variation of the phrase, “HEY MOE.” Its roots go back to a concept pioneered by Moe of the Three Stooges, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes.

Q. I just joined an HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the Doctor I want?
A. Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the Doctors in the plan. These Doctors basically fall into two categories - those who are no longer accepting new patients, and those who will see you but are no longer participating in the plan. But don’t worry; the remaining Doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just a half-day’s drive away.

Q. Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification?
A. No. Only those you need.

Q. Can I get coverage for my preexisting conditions?
A. Certainly, as long as they don’t require any treatment.

Q. What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine?
A. You’ll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q. My pharmacy plan only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the Generic Medication, but it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do?
A. Poke yourself in the eye.

Q. What if I’m away from home and I get sick?
A. You really shouldn’t do that.

Q. I think I need to see a specialist, but my Doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office?
A. Hard to say, but considering that all you’re risking is the $20 co-payment, there’s no harm in giving him a shot at it.

Q. Will health care be different in the next century?
A. No. But if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

A woman was outside pulling weeds on a hot summer day when her husband walked up and asked her what they were having for dinner.
 
Irritated by the thought of him sitting in the air conditioned 
house while she labored away on the weeds, she snapped, "I can't 
believe you're asking me about supper right now! Pretend I'm out 
of town, go inside and make dinner yourself!"
 
So he went back in the house and fixed himself a big steak, potatoes, garlic bread, and a tall beer.
 
His wife walked in just about the time he was finishing up and asked, "Where's my dinner?"
 
"Huh? I thought you were out of town."
 

Jethro and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing tobacco and drinking beer.

Suddenly Bubba says, “Think I’m gonna divorce the wife - she ain’t spoke to me in over 2 months.”

Jethro spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, “Better think it over... women like that are hard to find.”

Sarah was in the fertilized egg business. She had several hundred young pullets and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.

This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing. Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

Sarah's favourite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.

To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.

Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in a Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.

The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.'
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Dominic Savino?'
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation.'
"Well, Dominic, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell. '
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

And yes, I do know the appropriate answers to the questions.

Slept Like a baby last night. Woke up every two hours screaming.

100% irony free.

24 hours in a day. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?

4 out of 5 voices in my head say “Go For It!”

43.8 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there’s a 90% probability you’ll get it wrong.

99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A bad day of fishing turns into a good day of drinking.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.
A bicycle can’t stand alone; it is two tired.
A boiled egg is hard to beat.
A calendar’s days are numbered.
A career is great, but you can’t run your fingers through its hair.
A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
A clean house is a sign of a misspent life.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail.
A diplomat thinks twice before saying nothing.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
A fool and his money are my best friends.
A fool and his money are soon partying.
A grenade that fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in Linoleum Blownapart.
A hundred thousand sperm and you were the fastest?
A husband is someone who takes out the trash and gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance.
A lot of money is tainted: ’Taint yours, and ’taint mine.
A man decided not to report his stolen credit card because the thief was spending less than his wife did.
A man is not complete until he is married - then he is finished.
A mouse is an elephant built by the Japanese.
A nuclear war can ruin your whole day.
A PBS mind in an MTV world.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
A pessimist is never disappointed.
A real gentleman wouldn’t stare at my stickers. Answer my prayer - steal this car.
A thief fell & broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.
A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.
A waist is a terrible thing to mind.

A will is a dead giveaway.
Abbotsford - smell our dairy air!
According to my calculations, the problem doesn’t exist.
Acupuncture: A jab well done.
Adrenaline is my drug of choice.

Adult child of alien invaders.
Adults are just kids who owe money.

After a year in therapy, my psychiatrist said to me, “Maybe life isn’t for everyone.”

Air pollution is a mist-demeaner.

Alcohol and calculus don’t mix. Never drink and derive.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All I want is less to do, more time to do it, and higher pay for not getting it done.
All life’s answers are on TV. Bart Simpson
All men are animals, some just make better pets.
All men are idiots, and I married their King.
All things are possible - except skiing through a revolving door.
All work and no play, will make you a manager.

Allow me to introduce my selves.

Alone: In bad company.

An eye for an eye... leaves the whole world blind.
And the angel said unto the shepherds: “Shove off, this is cattle country.”

Three collage kids were not ready for a test decided to be late for class and get a few extra days to study.

They came into class late as planned and told the professor they had a flat tire and apologized for being late.

The professor told them that's fine come back Friday and I will administer the test at 9AM sharp.

They showed up 9AM on Friday ready for the test. The professor told them to take their seats.

He handed them each a piece of paper with one question.

Which tire was flat?

Q: How do Penguins drink their cola?
A: On the rocks.

Q: What’s black and white and goes round and around?
A: A Penguin in a revolving door.

Q: Why do two Penguins in a nest always agree?
A: Because they don’t wanna fall out.

Q: What do Penguins like to eat?
A: Brrrrrrrritos.

During a big fire downtown the firemen were having a bit of trouble.
A woman was stuck on the fourth floor with her baby. The fire fighters instructed her to toss the child out the window, under which they had placed a net, but the mother refused.
Things looked grim until a tall, well-built man burst through the
crowd and shouted to the women. He said that he was a Nebraska
football player and that he could catch the baby safely. After a few
minutes more of reassurances by the man, the mother finally let the
child drop.
The football player made a breathtaking catch, and everybody cheered. At that moment the man suddenly raised the child high in the air, spiked it on the ground and screamed, "Touchdown!"

An old lady offers a the bus driver some peanuts, so the driver happily munches them and
every 5 minutes the old lady gives him a handful more peanuts.
Driver: Why don't you eat them yourself?
Old Lady: I can't chew, look I have no teeth ...
Driver: Then why do you buy them?
Old Lady: "Oh, I just love the chocolate around them"

Yesterday morning I bought two cases of beer on sale at the Beer Store.
I placed them on the front seat and headed back home.

I stopped at a service station where a drop-dead gorgeous blonde was
filling up her car at the next pump.
Although it was very cold she was wearing a very short skirt and a light
jacket which was wide open.
She glanced at the beer, bent over and knocked on my passenger window.

With her bra-less breasts almost falling out her skimpy top she said, in
a sexy voice:
"I'm a big believer in barter, old fella; Would you be interested in
trading sex for beer?"

I thought for a few seconds and asked, "What kind of beer ya got?"

A cop was sitting in his cruiser outside a bar that had been known for sending inebriated clientele out onto the streets. He figured from his vantage point, he'd be scoring at least one good drunk driving charge. The bar closed at 2AM and sure enough, exactly at 2:00, the front door swung open and out staggered a man in disheveled clothes, tripping and weaving his way onto the sidewalk. he pivoted and headed in the direction of the bar's parking lot.

He staggered up to a car, fumbled with his keys, trying to stab them into the car's lock. Having no luck, he stopped for a moment, looked around and spotted another car the same color on the other side of the lot.

Again, he unsteadily pivoted and tripped his way over to this new car. He fumbled with his keys once more, and this time, managed to get them to work. He opened the door and more fell than sat into the driver's seat. He fumbled with the keys once more, this time, trying to jab them into the ignition.

The cop was truly enjoying himself, watching the man's struggles and laughed when the horn blew and the windshield wipers took a few swipes across the windshield, stopping half way in their cycle. A moment passed and finally, the car started.

The car moved backwards, hitting a trash can resting next to a fence. It stopped, lurched forward, and slowly began to move its way toward the street. The cop waited until the car had pulled completely onto the road before turning his blue lights and siren on.

The drunk didn't seem to notice the commotion going on behind him and continued to slowly weave his way for 2 more blocks, with the cop patiently following, acting as a highly visible block to warn other drivers. The man finally looked into his mirror, saw the cop, and pulled over to the side of the road, running the car's front wheel up and over the curb before it jerked to a stop.

The car's engine stopped and the man sat waiting for the cop.
"Sir", the cop said as he approached. "I pulled you over for driving under the influence of alcohol. I'ld like you to take this breath test for me".

Without a word, the man's arm reached out unsteadily, taking the tube in his fist. He drew it back into the car and blew into it as hard as he could.

The cop, looking at his equipment was flabbergasted. The reading read zero. "Sir," the cop stammered, "this test says you have no alcohol in your system whatsoever."

"I know" the man in the car replied. "I'm the designated drunk."

Good One!!!

~ Desmond Tutu...
When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. 
They said 'Let us pray.' We closed our eyes.
When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land.

A blonde goes into a coffee shop and notices there's a 'peel and win' sticker on her coffee cup.

So she peels it off and starts screaming,

'I've won a motorhome! I've won a motorhome!'

The waitress says, 'That's impossible.

The biggest prize is a free Lunch.'

But the blonde keeps on screaming,

'I've won a motorhome!

I've won a motorhome!'

Finally, the manager comes over and says,

'Ma'am, I'm sorry, but you're mistaken.

You couldn't have possibly won a motorhome

because we didn't have that as a prize.’

The blonde says, 'No, it's not a mistake.

I've won a motorhome!'

And she hands the ticket to the

manager and HE reads...
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.

.
W I N A B A G E L

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000.

"Doctor"Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000, so he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic. This is what transpired:

Dr.Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??" Dr.Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr.Young: "Aaagh !! -- This is gasoline!"

Dr.Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500. "Dr.Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr.Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Dr.Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr.Young: "Oh, no you don't. That is gasoline!" Dr.Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500." Dr.Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr.Young: "My eyesight has become weak . . . I can hardly see anything." Dr.Geezer:

"Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill).

Dr.Young: "But this is only $10!"

Dr.Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story . . . Just because you're "young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer" !

Like in the latest Terminator movie: Old but not obsolete!

Joke

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream
'prejudice' these days... Read the following.

A customer asked,
"In what aisle can I find the Polish sausage?"

The clerk asks, "Are you Polish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says,
"Yes I am, but let me ask you something.

If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I
was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if
I was German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I
was Jewish?
Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was
Mexican?

Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey,
would you ask if I was Irish?"

The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The customer then says, "Well then, when I asked for Polish
sausage, why did you ask me if I'm Polish?

The clerk replied, "Because you're in Ace Hardware."

A teacher in Detroit asks her students to use "handsome" in a sentence.

A girl named Latisha stands up and says, "Sometimes, when I be suckin' Jamal's soul pole, my jaw git sore and I hafta use my handsome."

The quality of the educational system sometimes brings a tear to my eye.

A young guy from Minnesota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" department store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The kid says "Yeah. I was a salesman back in Minnesota."

Well, the boss liked the kid and gave him the job.
"You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did."

His first day on the job was rough, but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down.

"How many customers bought something from you today?

The kid says "one".
The boss says "Just one? Our sales people average 20 to 30 customers a day. How much was the sale for?"

The kid says "$121,237.65".

The boss says "$121,237.65? What the heck did you sell?"

The kid says, "First, I sold him a small fish hook.
Then I sold him a medium fish hook.
Then I sold him a larger fish hook.
Then I sold him a new fishing rod.
Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him a twin engine Boston Whaler.

Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4 x 4 Expedition."

The boss said "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a BOAT and a TRUCK?"

The kid said "No, the guy came in here to buy tampons for his wife, and I said, 'Dude, your weekend's shot, you should go fishing'."

good one

A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw the most beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight towards his seat. As fate would have it, she took The seat right beside his. Eager to strike up a conversation he blurted out, “Business trip or pleasure?”

She turned, smiled and said, “Business. I’m going to the Annual Nymphomaniacs of America Convention in Boston."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting right next to him, and she was going to a meeting of nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business at this convention?”

“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use information that I have learned from my personal experiences to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”

“Really?” he said. “And what kind of myths are there?”

“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are The most well-endowed of all men, when in fact it is the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is That Frenchmen are the best lovers, when actually it is men of Mexican descent who are the best. I have also discovered that the lover with absolutely the best stamina is the Southern Redneck.”

Suddenly the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed.. “I’m sorry,” she said, “I shouldn't really be discussing all of this with you. I don’t even know your name.”

“Tonto,” the man said, “Tonto Gonzales, but my friends call me Bubba".

Nice joke!

Chucky, a 7 year old, wanted $100 to buy a remote control car, so he prayed like crazy for two weeks ... but nothing happened.

Chucky decided to write God an urgent letter, requesting $100. When the post office received the letter addressed to God, USA, they forwarded the letter to the president.

The president was so amused by the letter that he told his secretary to send Chucky a $5 bill, figuring this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

When Chucky received the cash, he was so delighted that he wrote a thank you note which read:

Dear God:

Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that you sent it through Washington, D.C. Next time, don't do that because, as usual, those jerks took 95%.

Love,

Chucky

Q: Who is a Penguin’s favorite pop star?
A: Seal.

Q: What's black, white, black, white, black, white, black, white?
A: A penguin rolling down a hill

Q: What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
A: Starfish.

Q: Where do penguins keep their money?
A: In a snow bank!

I went out for the morning run.
I came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I was out of shape and could not run for 2 minutes

Bubba....lol

A husband and wife have been at odds with each other over the husband's endless drinking and stopping out late. To get their marriage back on track, the wife decides to make a romantic french dinner with Snails to start so she sends her husband out saying 'right, please can you buy me these snails from town, be back home soon and, for god's sake, stay out of the pub!'.
The Husband obliges and after buying the snails, decides he's probably be okay just to stop by the pub only for a quick drink. Well, one leads to another, and another and another and before long it's well past dinner time. Looking at his watch he quickly realises he should have been back hours ago, panicking he dashes home and throws all the snails across the garden path. His wife greets him at the door looking furious saying 'Where on earth have you been!?' to which the husband responds 'Come on Lads! We're almost there!'.

Nice one!

An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher:

'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried.

The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.'

A few minutes later, the officer radios in.

'Disregard,' he says. 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'

'Buying a used rental car is kind of like going to a house of ill repute looking for a wife. Anything that's been driven that hard by that many people, you really don't want to put your key in it.'

- Jeff Foxworthy
(Have Your Loved Ones Spayed and Neutered)

source: http://jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/comedianjokes/jefffoxworthyj...

Did you hear that the Apple CEO announced he was gay?
.
The next day the Samsung CEO also announced he was gay and waterproof.

The Judges says,"on the 3rd August you are accused of killing your wife by beating her to death with a hammer, how do you plead?"
"Guilty", said the man in the dock.
At this point a man at the back of the court stood up and shouted "You dirty rat!"
The Judge asked the man to site down and to refrain from making any noise.
The Judge continued "... and that also on the 17th September you are accused of killing your son by beating him to death with a hammer, how do you plead"?
"Guilty", said the man in the dock.
Again the same man at the back stood up and shouted even louder, "You dirty rotten stinking rat"!!
At this point the Judge called the man to the bench and said, "I have already asked you to be quiet, if you continue with these outbursts, I will have to charge you with contempt of court. I can understand your feelings, but what relationship have you to this man?"
He replied "He is my next door neighbor".
The Judge replied, "I can understand your feelings then, but you must refrain from any comments".
The man replied "NO, your Honor, you don't understand. Twice I have asked if I could borrow a hammer, and BOTH TIMES he said he didn't have a hammer!!

Funny

Good One!!!

I don't care what you say, that there was funny!

Heard it before but laugh every time ...

A very nice, innocent Australian woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with Scotty Greer, who is an average golfer and who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has no experience with women. They meet and she is very happy with him; she feels that they are perfect for each other. Eventually they end up getting married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for bed. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked. All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner.

"What happened?" she asks.

"I've never been with a woman," he says, "But if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the room I can get!"

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make a deal with his son. “ You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car. ”
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks, his father said “ Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut. ”
The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair. ”
(You're going to love the Dad's reply.)
“ Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?

I gotta brag. Saturday is our 30th wedding anniversary. Thirty wonderful years for her; then, she met me!

A very elderly gentleman, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.

He was in his mid nineties.

He was very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit,

flower in his lapel and smelling slightly of a good after shave.

He presented a very well looked after image,

Seated at the bar was an elderly really classy looking lady, (mid eighties).

The sharp old gentleman walks over and sits along side of her.

He orders a drink.

He takes a sip.

He slowly turns to her and says,

So tell me, do I come here often?

A nun, badly needing to use to the restroom, walked into a local
Hooters.

The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and every
once in a while, 'THE LIGHTS WOULD TURN OFF.'

Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into
cheers.

However, when the revelers saw the nun,the room went dead silent.
SHE WALKED UP TO THE BARTENDER, AND ASKED, 'MAY I PLEASE USE THE
RESTROOM?

The bartender replied, 'OK, but I should warn you that there is
a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf.'

'Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way,' said the nun.

So the bartender showed the nun to the back of the restaurant.

After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place
stopped just long enough to give the nun a loud round of applause.

She went to the bartender and said, 'Sir, I don't understand.
Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the restroom?'

'Well, now they know you're one of us,' said the bartender,'Would
you LIKE A DRINK?'

'No thank you, but, I still don't understand,' said the puzzled
nun.

'You see,' laughed the bartender, 'every time someone lifts the
fig leaf on that statue, the lights go out.
Now, how about that drink?