Factory Joke Thread – October 2015

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.. "He's a funeral director," she answered. "Interesting," the newsman thought... He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, and a preacher when in her 60's, and now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
-She smiled and explained,
"I married one for the money,
two for the show,
three to get ready, and
four to go."

A man walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash and sits down at the bar. The Bartender walks over and asks why the man has brought an alligator into the bar. The man replies, " I have an offer to make".
The bartender being curious, says,"OK, what's the offer?". The man stands up and says, " If everyone in the bar is willing to buy me one drink each, I will drop my pants, open the alligator's mouth and place my genitals in his mouth and then close his mouth. After one full minute, I will make the alligator open his mouth and remove my gentitals...unscathed." After a few minutes, everyone agrees to buy him a drink. Sure enough, the man drops his pants, opens the alligaor's mouth, places his genitals in it's mouth and then closes it. After one minute, the man hits the alligator over the head with a beer bottle, and the alligator opens his mouth... and as promised, the man's genitals are unscathed.
After about an hour, the man had drank his last free drink and the bartender asks if there is anything else the man would like. The man says, " I have another offer to make". The bartender thinks to himself, "This ought to be good" and tells the man to make his offer. The man stands up again and turns to the other patrons of the bar and says, " If there is anyone else in the room willing to try the same thing, I'll give them $1000", and places 10 $100 bills on the bar.
After a few minutes of talking amongst themselves, a small blonde girl, in the back of the room stands up and says, " Mister, I am willing to give it a try, but you have to promise not to hit me with that beer bottle, when I'm done!".
(from jokes.com)

Q: What did one Emperor Penguin say to the other?
A: Nothing, he just gave him the cold shoulder.

Q: What did Morgan Freeman say when Penguins told him they liked March of the Penguins?
A: Why the hell was I narrating it if Penguins can talk?

Q: Why do Penguins carry fish in their beaks?
A: Because they haven’t got any pockets.

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend.

One evening, after the honeymoon, he was cleaning one of his hot rods for an upcoming show.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him.

After a long period of silence she finally speaks.

"Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the garage and you probably should just consider selling all your cars along with your gun collection.

Tom gets this horrified look on his face.

She says, "Darling, what's wrong?"

"There for a minute you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."

"Ex wife!”, she screams, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE !!!!!!!"

Tom's reply:

"I wasn't.........."

A man went to his dentist because he feels something wrong in his mouth. The dentist examines him and says, "That new upper plate I put in for you six months ago is eroding. What have you been eating?" The man replies, "All I can think of is that about four months ago my wife made some asparagus and put some stuff on it that was delicious - Hollandaise sauce. I loved it so much I now put it on everything --meat, toast, fish, vegetables, everything." "Well," says the dentist, "that's probably the problem. Hollandaise sauce is made with lots of lemon juice, which is highly corrosive. It's eaten away your upper plate. I'll make you a new plate, and this time use chrome." "Why chrome?" asks the patient. To which the dentist replies, "It's simple. Everyone knows that there's no plate like chrome for the Hollandaise!"

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago, another is from Tennessee, and the third is from Minnesota. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Tennessee contractor also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me." The Chicago contractor doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700." The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?" The Chicago contractor whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Tennessee to fix the fence." "Done!" replies the government official. And that, my friends, is how the new stimulus plan will work.

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

Early mornings are a good time to spend with your spouse. Then they wake up and spoil your day.

I honestly enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to co-ordinate their travel schedule so, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read

To: My Loving Wife

Subject: I've Arrived

Date: March 3, 2015

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

Everything is set for your arrival tomorrow . Looking forward to seeing you then!

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

Two blondes are in a river holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A game warden comes up behind them, taps them on the shoulder and says, "Excuse me, ladies, I'd like to see your fishing licenses."

"We don't have any." replied the first woman.

"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses." said the game warden.

"But officer," replied the second girl, "we aren't fishing. All we have are magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."

The game warden lifted up the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against it," shrugged the game warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the game warden left.

As soon as he was out of sight, the women started laughing hysterically. "What a dumb Fish Cop! Doesn't he know that there are steelheads in this river?!"

'Some where on Facebook'

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and chatting among friends. Suddenly, in a flash of light, Satan appeared in front of the congregation!

Everyone started screaming and running for the exits, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly cowboy who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'

The old cowboy replied, 'Yep, sure do.'

'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.

'Nope, sure ain't.' said the cowboy.

'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.

'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.

'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.

'Yep,' was the calm reply.

'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.

'Nope,' said the old cowboy.

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'

The old cowboy calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

It's the 1920s. A German tourist while walking around in New York city's Chinatown, notices a restaurant named "Hans Baumhauer's authentic chop suey"...
He gets curious, and wants to find out more about this German man who has set up a restaurant in the heart of china town. He asks a very old Chinese man squatting in front of the restaurant, "Do you know this Hans Baumhauer who owns this restaurant?" "Yes", says the old man, "I am Hans Baumhauer." "Really?!" Says the German with surprise, "How did you get such a strange name for a Chinese person?" "50 years ago", begins the old man, with the air of a person who has oft told this tale, "I was standing in the immigration line at Ellis Island having just gotten off the boat from Hong Kong. The immigration officer was coming down the line asking us our names and handing us our paperwork. He reached the guy in front of me in the line and asked him his name. 'Hans Baumhauer' the guy said. The officer handed him his papers. Then he turned to me and asked my name. 'Sem Ting' I said.

Good One!

Sounds like you been hanging around my house...lol

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won’t stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: “I have a question to ask, but I don’t want to offend you.”

She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”

She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that…
1) You have to be single and
2) You must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I’m single and Catholic!”

“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”

The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”

“Forgive me, but I’ve sinned. I lied and I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”

The nun says, “That’s OK. My name is Kevin and I’m going to a Halloween party!”

18 UNNATURAL LAWS

O'REILLY'S LAW OF THE KITCHEN—Cleanliness is next to impossible.

LIEBERMAN'S LAW—Everybody lies; but it doesn't matter, since nobody listens.

DENNISTON'S LAW—Virtue is its own punishment.

GOLD'S LAW—If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

HANDY GUIDE TO MODERN SCIENCE—If it's green or it wriggles, it's biology. If it stinks, it's chemistry. If it doesn't work, it's physics.

CONWAY'S LAW—In any organization, there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.

GREEN'S LAW OF DEBATE—Anything is possible if you don't know what you're talking about.

STEWART'S LAW OF RETRO ACTION—It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.

HARRISON'S POSTULATE—For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

HANLON'S RAZOR—Never attribute to malice that which is adequately explained by stupidity.

MUIR'S LAW—When we try to pick out anything by itself, we find it hitched to everything else in the universe.

FIRST RULE OF HISTORY—History doesn't repeat itself—historians merely repeat each other.

FINSTER'S LAW—A closed mouth gathers no feet.

OLIVER'S LAW OF LOCATION—No matter where you go, there you are.
LYNCH'S LAW—When the going gets tough, everyone leaves.

GLYME'S FORMULA FOR SUCCESS—The secret of success is sincerity. Once you can fake that, you've got it made.

MANSON'S FIRST LAW OF SYNERGISM—The one day you'd sell your soul for something, souls are a glut.

THE SAUSAGE PRINCIPLE—People who love sausage and respect the law should never watch either one being made.

The foreman of an Irish road crew employed Paddy to paint the white lines line down the middle of the road.
He told Paddy that he should paint two miles of road in a day's work.

After the first day, the foreman was pleased to find that he'd painted four miles of road instead of the two required.

On the second day, Paddy completed painting just 2 miles of road.
The foreman was a bit disappointed, but didn't complain as this was, after all, only what he'd asked for.

On day 3, the foreman was disappointed to find that Paddy had painted only one mile of road, and so asked, "On yer first day, ya did four moiles o' road.
On yer second ya did two moiles. But on yer tird day ya only did one moil. What's up?"

Paddy replied, "Well, oil tell ya what's up, but I tought a clever bloke loik you woulda been able ta figger it out fer yerself!
Yer see, every day I gets ferder an' ferder away from de paint can!"

What is the name of your least favorite child?
In what year did you abandon your dreams?
What is the maiden name of your father’s mistress?
At what age did your childhood pet run away?
What was the name of your favorite unpaid internship?
In what city did you first experience ennui?
What is your ex-wife’s newest last name?
What sports team do you fetishize to avoid meaningful discussion with others?
What is the name of your favorite canceled TV show?
What was the middle name of your first rebound?
On what street did you lose your childlike sense of wonder?
When did you stop trying?

He takes stock of his life and thinks about all the things he's done, and all the things he wishes he'd done. He thinks to himself, "I've always wanted to try pork!"
So the rabbi, being a cautious man, travels a few towns over and looks for a restaurant. Finding a likely place, he reads the menu and sees what he's looking for - a whole suckling pig. He sits down and places the order. Soon the pig arrives, skin crisp and glistening, with a big red apple in its mouth.
The rabbi is just about to tuck in when a member of his synagogue walks in and spots him. "Rabbi!" he exclaims, aghast, "What on Earth are you doing?!".
The rabbi looks at his plate, looks at the guy, and says "This restaurant! I order a baked apple, look how they serve it!"

Estelle and Murray's 47th wedding anniversary was coming up,
and Estelle wanted to make it extra special for Murray.
"Murray", she said, "You never do anything fun for yourself."
"What do you mean, Estelle? I go bowling all the time."
"That's still so boring though. I want to spice things up for you. You deserve it. We've been together almost 50 years, and I want you to have some real fun. I'm taking you to a strip club!"
"Estelle", he says, "I really don't want to go. What would i do there? It just doesn't interest me."
But Estelle puts up a fight, and ultimately Murray has no choice but to go with her.
They come up to the front door, and the bouncer says "Hey Murray! How you doing tonight?"
"Murray", whispered Estelle, "how does the bouncer know your name?"
"Oh, that's Bill. He's in my bowling league. I guess this is where he works."
Estelle nods, a little confused, but ok.
They go inside and go up to the bartender... a very attractive brunette girl.
"Hey Murray! Can I make you your usual? Gin and Tonic?"
"Murray", says Estelle, now a little more urgently, "how does the bartender know you??"
"Oh, that's just Renee.. she bartends at the bowling alley - i guess she moonlights here too."
"Ok", says Estelle.. getting a bit more rattled.
They find a seat, and a stripper comes right up to Murray and starts grinding him. "Hey Muuuuurray... you want your usual dance tonight baby?"
At this, Estelle has had enough, and storms out the front door, with Murray chasing after her.
She hails one of the taxis parked out front, and he jumps in after her.
Murray can't get a word in edgewise. After giving the driver directions, Estelle lays into him. Cursing at him. Yelling at him. Calling him every name in the book.
This goes on for about 5 solid minutes, until Estelle, exhausted from the explosion, stops altogether.
There's finally a moment of silence in the cab.
"Hey Murray," says the cab driver, "this girl you got tonight is a real bitch."

He knocked on a door and a shapely 30-something woman dressed in a very sheer negligee answered the door. He raised his basket to show her the peaches and asked, "Would you like to buy some peaches?"
She pulled the top of the negligee to one side and asked, "Are they as firm as this?"
He nodded his head and said, "Yes ma'am," and a little tear ran from his eye.
Then she pulled the other side of her negligee off asking, "Are they nice and pink like this?" The farmer said, "Yes," and another tear came from the other eye.
Then she unbuttoned the bottom of her negligee and asked, "Are they as fuzzy as this?"
He again said, "Yes," and broke down crying.
She asked , "Why on earth are you crying?"
Drying his eyes he replied, "The drought got my corn, the flood got my soy beans, a tornado leveled my barn, and now I think I'm gonna get screwed out of my peaches."

Very clever and also very true!

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?" He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard"

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this sh*t but me."

A hotel guest called the front desk, the clerk answers, "May I help you?"

The man said, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out of the window."

The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that is a personal matter."

The man replies, "Listen you idiot. The window won't open... now, that's a maintenance matter."

A drug addict found a lamp. Genie appeared. "Now I will fullfill your 3 wishes" - he said. "I wish two lines of the best stuff on the world. Let's take it together, it will be great." "Ok, that was your first wish. Don't waste all of them on drugs" - genie said and two lines of the best stuff appeared. They both had a great party but suddenly the effect of these drugs ended. "What is your second wish?" - genie asked "I want another two lines of the best stuff on the world." Another two lines appeared and they both were on high again. When the effect ended, Genie asked: "And your third wish?". "Two lines of the best stuff on the world again." Two lines appeared again and they were on high. When the effect ended, the genie appeared again: "So, my friend, what is your fourth wish?"

One day, a painter found himself short of help and went to the unemployment office to hire someone for the day. When he arrived, they didn't have any painters available, but they did have a gynecologist. He reluctantly took him along to help. A couple of weeks later, the painter returned to the unemployment office needing temporary help again. This time there were two painters there, but instead he asked for the gynecologist again. The clerk asked, "Why do you want a gynecologist when we have two professional painters you can take right now?" He said, "Two weeks ago when I hired the gynecologist, we arrived at the house and it was locked with nobody home. But I'll be damned if that gynecologist didn't stick his hand through the mail slot and paint the whole house!"

Q: Why don’t Penguins like rock music?
A: They only like sole.

Q: Whats black and white and red all over?
A: a penguin on a rampage.

Q: What do you call a happy penguin?
A: A Pen-Grin!

A WOMAN WALKS INTO THE DOWNTOWN WELFARE OFFICE, TRAILED BY 15 KIDS.

'WOW,' THE SOCIAL WORKER EXCLAIMS, 'ARE THEY ALL YOURS ?'

'YEP, THEY'RE ALL MINE, ' THE FLUSTERED MOMMA SIGHS, HAVING HEARD THAT QUESTION A THOUSAND TIMES BEFORE. SHE SAYS, 'SIT DOWN TERRY.' ALL THE CHILDREN RUSH TO FIND SEATS.

'WELL,' SAYS THE SOCIAL WORKER, 'THEN YOU MUST BE HERE TO SIGN UP. I'LL NEED ALL YOUR CHILDREN'S NAMES.'

''WELL, TO KEEP IT SIMPLE, THE BOYS ARE ALL NAMED TERRY AND THE GIRLS ARE ALL NAMED TERRI."

IN DISBELIEF, THE CASE WORKER SAYS, 'ARE YOU SERIOUS? THEY'RE ALL NAMED TERRY?'

THEIR MOMMA REPLIED, 'WELL, YES - IT MAKES IT EASIER. WHEN IT'S TIME TO GET THEM OUT OF BED AND READY FOR SCHOOL , I YELL, TERRY! AND WHEN IT'S TIME FOR DINNER, I JUST YELL TERRY! AND THEY ALL COME A RUNNING. IF I NEED TO STOP THE KID WHO'S RUNNING INTO THE STREET, I JUST YELL TERRY AND ALL OF THEM STOP. IT'S THE SMARTEST IDEA I EVER HAD, NAMING THEM ALL TERRY'.

THE SOCIAL WORKER THINKS THIS OVER FOR A BIT, THEN WRINKLES HER FOREHEAD AND SAYS TENTATIVELY, 'BUT WHAT IF YOU JUST WANT ONE KID TO COME, AND NOT THE WHOLE BUNCH ? '

'THEN I CALL THEM BY THEIR LAST NAMES.'

After telling his patient to put out her tongue, the doctor began writing out his notes.
When he had finished he turned to her and said "there, that will do it."
"But Doctor," she protested, "you didn't even look at my tongue."
"I didn't need to," the Doctor replied, "I just wanted to keep you quiet while I wrote the recommendations for you."

Smart Doc.

And the wishes keep coming!

Good One!!!

Heard variants of this one before but they make me laugh every time ...

Golfers hate cake because they might get a slice.

He wanted desperately to be a good golfer - you could say he had a driving ambition.

He would promise to play golf, but he didn’t know how to follow through.

If you golf on election day – cast an absent-tee ballot.

Golfers would wear wrinkled clothes if it weren’t four irons.

I love playing golf, but when putting I can never catch a break.

A Bloke calls the company and orders their 5 day – 5 kgs weight loss programme.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and standing before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe from J.C. dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

5F268A25-2D79-4BAF-A314-CA6BCCB9033A
The sign reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few kilometres later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up the next four days and the same thing happens.
On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5 kgs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5 day – 10 kgs programme.
The next day there's a knock at the door and standing before him is the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life.
She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me, you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and despite his best efforts, no such luck.
So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10 kgs, as promised.

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order their 7 day – 25 kgs programme.
'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone.. 'This is our most rigorous programme.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.'

The next day there's a knock at the door and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine.'

He lost 31 kgs that week. .. ..

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired.

Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines.

They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine fixed, but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and proudly stated, "This is where your problem is".

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again.

The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded with the following account:

Chalk: $1
Knowing where to put it: $49,999.

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

Is chalk really a full dollar? lol

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.

On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.

The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"

"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."

The foreman of an Irish road crew employed Paddy to paint the white lines line down the middle of the road.
He told Paddy that he should paint two miles of road in a day's work.

After the first day, the foreman was pleased to find that he'd painted four miles of road instead of the two required.

On the second day, Paddy completed painting just 2 miles of road.
The foreman was a bit disappointed, but didn't complain as this was, after all, only what he'd asked for.

On day 3, the foreman was disappointed to find that Paddy had painted only one mile of road, and so asked, "On yer first day, ya did four moiles o' road.
On yer second ya did two moiles. But on yer tird day ya only did one moil. What's up?"

Paddy replied, "Well, oil tell ya what's up, but I tought a clever bloke loik you woulda been able ta figger it out fer yerself!
Yer see, every day I gets ferder an' ferder away from de paint can!"

Four worms and a lesson to be learned!
A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol . . . . . . Dead .

The second worm in cigarette smoke . . . Dead .

Third worm in chocolate syrup . . .. . Dead.

Fourth worm in good clean soil . . . Alive …

So the Minister asked the congregation,

"What did you learn from this demonstration?"

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said . . .

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate,

you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service!

I chuckled at this one, it is about my speed on Facebook!!! -

Subject: For the Older Generation to Identify With and the Younger Generation to Understand Our Perspective on FaceBook

For those of my older generation who do not really comprehend why Facebook exists.

Presently, I am trying to make friends outside of Facebook while applying the same principles.

Therefore, every day I go down on the street and tell the passers-by what I have eaten, how I feel, what I have done the night before and what I will do tomorrow night. Then I give them pictures of my family, my dog and me gardening and spending time in my pool.

I also listen to their conversations and I tell them I love them. And it works.

I already have 3 persons following me:

2 police officers and a psychiatrist.

Nice....

People often complain about the police, but you rarely hear about the positive things they do, such as this incident involving a biker and a frozen carburetor.

Last January on a bitterly cold winter's day, a North Dakota State Trooper on patrol came upon a motorcyclist who was stalled by the roadside. The biker was swathed in heavy protective clothing and wearing a full-face helmet to protect the face from the cold weather.

“What’s the matter? asked the Trooper

"Carburetor's frozen," was the terse reply.

"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."

"I can't," said the biker.

"OK, watch me closely and I'll show you." The Trooper unzipped and promptly warmed the carburetor as promised.

Moments later the bike started and the rider drove off, waving.

A few days later, the local State Troopers’ office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcyclist.

It began: "On behalf of my daughter Jill..."

Q: What do Penguins sing on a birthday?
A: Freeze a jolly good fellow.

Q: Were do penguins get money from? A:
A fishbank.

Q: What's black and white and red all over?
A: An embarrassed penguin.

Q: Have you heard of Flight of the Penguins (sequel to March)?
A: Its a whale of a tale.

“I hate to have to tell you this”, said the Doctor in a sad compassionate voice, “but you have been unfortunately been diagnosed with a highly contagious disease, we will have to quarantine you and you’ll only be fed cheese and bologna.”

“That’s terrible!” Said the distraught young man, quickly sitting down before he could faint. “I don’t know if I could handle being in quarantine…and the cheese and bologna diet…

What’s with the cheese and bologna diet anyway? I’ve never of such a diet before?!”

“It’s not exactly a diet”, responded the Doctor matter of factly, “it’s just the only food that will fit under the door!”

The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe, before you start
looking like a mental patient.

 
 
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
 
 
 
My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 195 lbs. I've gained.
 

I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters..
do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?
 

The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the shit storm that's coming.
 

Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.' .....If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday... your life sucks!
 

If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need.....not all this, "how did you get in my house" business!
 

The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today....Pretty sure she's going to get me something.
 

On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week; whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. ...This is upsetting news to me............ I had no idea I was Japanese.
 

I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, " Sag Harbor ."
 

I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
 

What is it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their nose?
 

When I die I want to be reincarnated as a spider.  Just so I can finally hear a women say "Oh my God, it's huge!"

Great post, best I have seen in a while

Good One!!!

Six retired Jewish mates were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyer loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continue playing, but standing up.

At the end of the game, Finklestein looks around and asks, "So, who's gonna tell his wife?"

They cut the cards. Goldberg picks the low card and has to carry the news. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet? I'm the most discreet person you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me."

Goldberg goes over to the Meyer's condo and knocks on the door. The wife answers through the door and asks what he wants?

Goldberg declares: "Your husband just lost $500 in a poker game and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!" yells the wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Goldberg.