Factory Joke Thread – August 2015

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

Please read the forum rules before posting.

"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate. Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."

~Angela

See also

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I accidentally rear ended someone at a stop light

We get out to exchange information, and I notice the guy is a midget. The first thing he says is, "I'm not happy." To which I replied, "Well which one are you then?"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

I caught my girlfriend cheating with my best friend.

She was tired of getting beaten all the time, and he was jealous of all my money and property. I was so upset when I found out, that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A young woman married and had 13 children

A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally croaked.
Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above, thanking him for this loving woman who fulfilled his commandment to “Go forth and multiply.”
In his final eulogy, he noted, “Thank you, Lord, they’re finally together.”
Leaning over to his neighbor, one mourner asked, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?”
The other mourner then replied, “I think he means her legs.”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

AS I AGE, I REALIZE THAT:

I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work.

The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it's like a mini vacation.

The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.

Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound!

Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.

When the kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".

At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Pessimism

Why should you worry when everything is going your way?

Because you're probably driving on the wrong side of the road.

Interesting Art Finds

The lawyer says to the wealthy art collector tycoon: “I have some good news and I have some bad news….”

The tycoon replies: “I’ve had an awful day, let’s hear the good news first?”

The lawyer says: “Well your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures this week that she figures are worth a minimum of $2 to $3 million.”

The tycoon replies enthusiastically: “Well done…very good news indeed! You’ve just made my day; now what’s the bad news?”

The lawyer answers: “The pictures are of you with your secretary.”

"Rabbi, rabbi"

One day, a teenage boy goes to his father- a rabbi at their small town's only synagogue- and says "Father, it pains me to say this, but I've decided to convert to Christianity."
The Rabbi, with no idea what to do, decides to walk ten miles to a much larger city, where he found a synagogue much larger than his own. He says to the rabbi there "Rabbi, rabbi! My son has become a christian! Whatever shall I do?" In reply, the other rabbi tell him "Funny you should ask! My own son has just converted to Christianity! Come with me, the rabbi of the largest synagogue in the state should have some answers for us."
So, both rabbis take a road trip to the largest synagogue in the state. They say to the rabbi: "Rabbi, rabbi! Both of our sons have converted Christianity! Whatever shall we do?" And the rabbi says "Well, funny you should ask! My own son has just converted to Christianity! Come with me, we'll catch a plane to Jerusalem and get this sorted out."
So, all three rabbis fly from the US to Jerusalem. They find the oldest, wisest rabbi they can, and in unison, cry out "Rabbi, rabbi! Our sons have converted to Christianity! Whatever shall we do?" And the old rabbi says "Funny you should ask! My own son has just converted to Christianity! Come, let us go to the Wailing Wall. God will surely have an answer to such a conundrum."
So, all four rabbis run as fast as they can to the Wailing Wall and drop to their knees, shouting to the sky "Holy father! Our sons have left us for Christianity! Whatever shall we do in these times of darkness?"
And God replies: "Funny you should ask!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Doctors visit

During his annual checkup, a man tells his doctor he is thinking about getting a vasectomy
The doctor tells him that it's a very important decision and asks if he has had a chance to discuss it with his family. The man says,"Yeah, and they are in favor of it 15 to 7."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Cute

lol smile

--
Gattina11

I enjoyed this one....

thanks.

--
RKF (Bethesda, MD) Garmin Nuvi 660, 360 & Street Pilot

Good One!

Good One!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Now that there was

Now that there was funny...were they laying "Risk"????

Doctors visit

Timantide wrote:

The man says,"Yeah, and they are in favor of it 15 to 7."

Who would the 7 be that were against? I can understand 1 but not 7.

Kids

Panache wrote:
Timantide wrote:

The man says,"Yeah, and they are in favor of it 15 to 7."

Who would the 7 be that were against? I can understand 1 but not 7.

21 kids and a wife.

--
Frank Nuvi 3597LMT 37.322760, -79.511267

Philosophers Of This Century 

~ John Glenn...
As I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind - every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder.

Murphy's Magic Trick

A black guy and Murphy go into a pastry shop.

The black guy whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn't even notice. The black guy says to Murphy, "You see how clever we are? You Paddies can never beat that!"

Murphy says to the black guy, "Watch dis, any Paddy is smarter din you, and I'll prove it to ya."

He says to the baker, "Gimme a cookie, I'll show ya a magic trick!"

The baker gives him the cookie, which he promptly eats.

Then he says to the baker, "Gimme anudder cookie for me magic trick."

The baker is getting suspicious, but he gives it to him.

He eats this one too. Then he says again, "Gimme one more cookie..."

The baker is getting angry now, but gives him one anyway. He eats this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells, "OK ... So where is your famous magic trick?"

Murphy says .... "OK, now look in the black guy's pocket!"

Why California is broke and Texas is not.

The governor of California is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the governor's dog, then bites the governor. The governor starts to intervene, but reflects upon the movie Bambi and then realizes he should stop because the coyote is only doing what is natural.
He calls animal control. Animal control captures the coyote and bills the state $200 for testing it for diseases and $500 for relocating it. He calls a veterinarian. The vet collects the dead dog and bills the state $200 for testing it for diseases. The governor goes to the hospital and spends $3,500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and getting his bite wound bandaged.
The running trail gets shut down for six months while the California Fish and Game Department conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is now free of dangerous animals. The governor spends $50,000 in state funds implementing a 'coyote awareness program' for residents of the area. The Legislature spends $2 million to study how to better treat rabies and how to permanently eradicate the disease throughout the world. The governor's security agent is fired for not stopping the attack. The state spends $150,000 to hire and train a new agent with additional special training, re: the nature of coyotes. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) protests the coyote's relocation and files a $5 million suit against the state.
The governor of Texas is jogging with his dog along a nature trail. A coyote jumps out and tries to attack him and his dog. The governor shoots the coyote with his state-issued pistol and keeps jogging.
The governor spent 50 cents on a .380-caliber, hollow-point cartridge. Buzzards ate the dead coyote.
And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Medieval Puns

What was King Arthur's favorite game? Knights and crosses.

What was Camelot? A place where people parked their camels.

The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

The pun is mightier than the sword.

What did Harold say when he was hit by an arrow. "I'm all aquiver."

The Normans won because they were better at arrow dynamics.

What phrase in battle did William hate? "Fire at will."

What happens to deposed kings? They get throne away.

As I age...

Too true. Lifted and copied to the wife.

The first pint

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons,
memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.
I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it.
I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's, nope!
In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest.
He wouldn't even smell it.
What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so drunk'
I could hardly push his stroller back home.

Boy scout: Sir, I found a snake, is it poisonous?

Me: No little one, this snake isn't poisonous at all
Snake bites boy and boy immediately starts to spasm and foam at the mouth, leaving the other kids watching, horrified
Me: However, this snake is venomous. Venom is always injected, poison is ingested or absorbed through the skin. Let's get it right next time lads

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Stats

A recent worldwide survey showed that out of 2,146,703,436 people, 94% were too lazy to actually read that number.

I'm allergic to women. They

I'm allergic to women.
They make me swell.

that's weird

FORANE wrote:

I'm allergic to women.
They make me swell.

Me too!

--
Using Android Based GPS.The above post and my sig reflects my own opinions, expressed for the purpose of informing or inspiring, not commanding. Naturally, you are free to reject or embrace whatever you read.

Intruder

Scripture Saves the Day
An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening worship service and was startled to find an intruder in her house. Catching the man in the act of burglarizing her home, she yelled, "STOP! Acts 2:38!" ("Repent and be baptized, every one of you, in the name of Jesus Christ so that your sins may be forgiven.") As the burglar stopped dead in his tracks, the woman calmly called the police and explained what she had done. Shortly, several officers arrived and took the man into custody. As he was placing the handcuffs on the burglar, one of the officers asked, "Why did you just stand there? All the lady did was mention a scripture verse." "Scripture?" replied the burglar. "She said she had an axe and two 38's!"

From joke of the day

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

HA!! x 7

Timantide wrote:

We get out to exchange information, and I notice the guy is a midget. The first thing he says is, "I'm not happy." To which I replied, "Well which one are you then?"

Well played!!!

New ideas...thanks!

Now I have another reason to take my nephew for walks in his stroller. lol

geo334 wrote:

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons,
memories came flooding back to the time I took me son out for his first pint.
Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.
I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager? He didn't. I drank it.
I thought maybe he'd like whiskey better than beer so we tried a Jameson's, nope!
In desperation, I had him try that rare Redbreast, Ireland's finest.
He wouldn't even smell it.
What could I do but drink it!
By the time I realized he just didn't like to drink, I was so drunk'
I could hardly push his stroller back home.

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

FIVE UNDENIABLE FACTS

1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

4. Arguing over a woman's bust size is like choosing between Heineken, Carlsberg, Coors, Miller and Moosehead. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

AND

5. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit . . . a recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

As always...

Timantide wrote:

And that, my friends, is why California is broke and Texas is not.

So true.

--
nuvi 1390 LT, nuvi 1450 LMT, Vista, Win 10

Dead Cat

A rich businessman goes on holiday .While he is away his butler sends him a message saying “Cats dead”.
Distraught at the death of his beloved pet the man returns home and berates the butler for being so callous.
“You should break bad news gently” says the businessman .“If I had been telling you that the cat was dead I’d have written ,”The cat is on the roof and can’t get down”
A few hours later I’d have written “the cat’s fallen off the roof and is badly hurt “
A while later I’d have sent another message saying “The cat has sadly passed away “
“Very good sir “ says the butler “I will remember that in future”
The business man resumes his trip ,books into the hotel and finds that the butler has left him another message,it says
“your mother is on the roof and can’t get down………”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Early Miner Puns

What did the greedy gold digger say? That's all mine, mine, mine.

Why was silver more popular than gold? Everyone dug the silver, but panned the gold.

Why couldn’t the miner ever find gold? He looked and looked, but searched in vein.

What do you call the diggers with no clothes on? Strip miners.

The Colonel

Having just moved into his new office, a pompous, new Colonel was sitting at his desk when an airman knocked on the door.

Conscious of his new position, the Colonel quickly picked up the phone, told the airman to enter, then said into the phone, "Yes, General, I'll be seeing him this afternoon and I'll pass along your message. In the meantime, thank you for your good wishes, sir."

Feeling as though he had sufficiently impressed the young enlisted man, he asked, "What do you want?"

"Nothing important, sir," the airman replied, "I'm just here to hook-up your telephone."

Royal Donkey

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days.
So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area". The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So he continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once! Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."
So the king hired the donkey. And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to a mental asylum, a man asked the director "how do you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized".
"Well," said the director, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," he said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or teacup."
"No," said the director, "A normal person would pull the plug."
"Would you like a bed near the window?"

--
Live every day like it's your last. Some day you'll be right - Benny Hill

Joke

Q: Why did the duck travel to a dangerous neighborhood?

A: He wanted to buy some quack.

A wise person once said.

1. We all love to spend money buying new clothes but the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.

2. Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.

3. Breaking News: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband.

4. Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Molson, Heineken, Carlsberg, & Budweiser. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.

AND

5. I haven't verified this on Snopes, but it sounds legit… A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

PARKING TICKET

PARKING TICKET: My wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket. We went up to him and I said, "Come on man, how about giving a senior citizen a break?" He just ignored us and continued writing the ticket.
I called him an "a**hole." He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires.
So my wife called him a "s*ithead." He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. He finally finished, sneered at us and walked away. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home.
We always look for cars with religious bumper stickers. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's so important at our age!!

Windows 10

Enough said!

--
Nuvi 2460LMT

Windows 10

mmullins98 wrote:

Enough said!

smile

--
Nuvi 2460

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

It's hard to make a comeback

................when you haven't been anywhere.

--
rvOutrider

Wheelchair Athletes...

Seven wheelchair athletes were recently disqualified from the World Wheelchair Olympics... they tested positive for WD-40...

--
no matter where you go, `dere you is...

Sex & Calories

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles.

Who the hell runs 8 miles in 15 seconds?

Drums good. Drums stop, bad.

A rich businessman is reading the newspaper one day, and stumbles across an article about North Sentinel Island and the indigenous people there who are virtually untouched by modern civilization. He decides on the spot, that he must see them for himself, however it is illegal to travel there. No matter, he has his assistant do some research, and sure enough there is an illegal charter he can take to the island, with a tour guide who promises to bring him to see the Sentinelese for the right price.
He lines up the trip, and the next month he and his tour guide make land on North Sentinel Island under the cover of night.
The first thing he notices is that off in the distance the sound of drums fills the night air. Intrigued and excited to be one of the few people in the world to have heard such drumming, he asks, "What are the drums we are hearing? Is it some kind of ceremony?"
The tour guide, looking startled turns around as says, "Drums good. Drums stop, bad." and continues into the jungle.
They travel inland for miles, the drums getting louder and louder all the time, and finally as the sun is beginning to set - stop to make camp. At this point, the drumming has gone on non-stop for 12 hours and is loud enough that they need to raise their voices to communicate.
The businessman, getting annoyed, says to his guide, "This is getting ridiculous! Do they ever stop that blasted drumming?!"
The tour guide, looks at the businessman with a serious expression and again says, "Drums good. Drums stop, bad."
The businessman does his best to sleep through the noise, but his head is splitting from a headache and he is barely able to get any rest. They pack up their things in the morning and head off, again deeper into the jungle - the noise from the drumming getting louder and louder with every step.
Finally, the businessman can take it no more. He reaches forward and grabs his guide by the shoulder and spins him around. Screaming to be heard over the drums, he asks, "What is with these god damn drums? Don't tell me 'Drums good. Drums stop, bad.' again! I want to know what happens if the god damn drums stop!"
The guide, pauses and looks at him with fear in his eyes.
"Drums stop, bass solo."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A Very Touching Story

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:
Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna
The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.
Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:
Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving bastards at the Post Office.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Doctor's Visit

After telling his patient to put out her tongue, the doctor began writing out his notes.
When he finished writing he turned to her and said "there, that will do it."
"But Doctor," she protested, "you didn't even look at my tongue."
"I didn't need to," the Doctor replied, "I just wanted to keep you quiet while I wrote the recommendations for you."

--
Live every day like it's your last. Some day you'll be right - Benny Hill

Puns

My friend's bakery burned down in the Great Fire. Now his business is toast.

What's fruity and burns? The Grape Fire of London.

She was only a Scottish whisky maker, but he loved her still.

A kebab shop in Glasgow is called MacDoners.

A comely redhead was thrilled.....

...... to have obtained a divorce and dazzled by the skill and virtuosity of her lawyer, not to mention his healthy income and good looks. In fact, she realized, she had fallen head over heals in love with him, even though he was a married man. "Oh, Sam," she sobbed at the conclusion of the trial, "isn't there some way we can be together, the way we were meant to be?" Taking her by the shoulders, Sam proceeded to scold her, "Snatched drinks in grimy bars on the edge of town, lying on the phone, hurried meetings in sordid motels rooms - is that really what you want for us?" "No, no..." she sobbed, heartsick. "Oh," said the lawyer. "Well, it was just a suggestion."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Ventriloquist

A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he's doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his customary dumb-blonde jokes.Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting, "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as people. It's people like you that make others think that all blondes are dumb! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only Blondes, but women in general . . . pathetically, all in the name of humor!"The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde shouts . . ."You stay out of this! I'm talking to that little shit on your lap!"

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