Factory Joke Thread – August 2015

 1.  The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

 2.  The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

 3.  The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4.  The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5.  The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS. 

6.  The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is
 GOLF. 

 The amazing fact is, the higher you go in the corporate structure,the smaller your balls become. There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles.

Some are a little to think to get the full picture...LOL

Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.

He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.

Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.

When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?”

The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet, and the price is $500.00.

Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is an expensive faucet -- certainly out of my price range.."

She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy.

The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.

From the storeroom the manager yelled: "Ma'am, you wanna screw for the hinge?"

Mary shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."

This is why you can't send a woman to Home Depot...

Actually many have lost them. The really smart ones have two brains however one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

DAMNIT Boxcar,

Now I have to spend the rest of the day washing the coffee off the wall. I was drinking coffee when I read your reply!

It was a hot Saturday evening in the
summer of 1962
and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.

He arrived at her house and
rang the bell.
"Oh, come on in!",
Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in.
"So, what are you and
Peggy planning to do tonight?", she asked.
"Oh, probably catch a
movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a
walk on the beach..."
"Peggy likes to screw, you
know," Mom informed him.
"Is that so?", asked
Fred, incredulous.
"Yes," said the
mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw
all night if we let her!"
"Well, thanks for the
tip," Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the
evening.
"Have fun, kids," the
mother said as they left.
Half an hour later, a
completely disheveled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front
door
behind her.
"The TWIST, Mom!" she angrily yelled at her
mother.
"THE DAMN DANCE IS CALLED
THE TWIST!!

I'm new - basically a reply of types and hoping I'm not messing up a protocol.
I've replied to each line of the original post. Mine should be indented. But, they weren't.

I talk to myself, because sometimes I need expert advice.
This is when I’m in the greatest danger of failing, though I fail to ask for the right advice.
I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.
..This I totally agree with, but it bothers that people keep doing this. The below is not true. Or not.
My people skills are just fine. It's my tolerance of idiots that needs work.
It’s my idiot skills that need work. My people work needs idiots. I’m worried about the beer below.
The biggest lie I tell myself is "I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."
..This is one I keep forgetting to remember to write down to remember.
When I was a child I thought nap time was punishment. Now it's like a mini vacation.
..I can’t remember when I was a child. Maybe I should write it down. Later, I’ll remember to do it.
The day the world runs out of wine is just too terrible to think about.
..Actually, it’s the beer that has me concerned. When it happens, well, I’ll be napping. Beer does that.
Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it can muffle the sound!
..Actually, it can. Send $19.95 for instructions. Helps seal the body bag too.
Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes; come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller.
..People can’t take the heat. This also requires a dry sense of humor. Mileage may vary.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
..This is one I don’t want to touch. Bolts of lightning and burning politicians come to mind.
When the kids text me "plz" which is shorter than please. I text back "no" which is shorter than "yes".
..End game will be “y” which is shorter than “no”. Then “n” which comes first in the alphabet.
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.
..At my age it is finding the door again to get back out. Unless it is the toilet. Like a rat in a maze.

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
"Tim, you be first," she said. "What does your mother do all day?"
Tim stood up and proudly said, "She's a doctor."
"That's wonderful. How about you, Amie?"
Amie shyly stood up, scuffed her feet and said, "My father is a mailman."
"Thank you, Amie," said the teacher. "What about your father, Billy?"
Billy proudly stood up and announced, "My daddy plays piano in a whorehouse."
The teacher was aghast and promptly changed the subject to geography.
Later that day she went to Billy's house and rang the bell. Billy's father answered the door. The teacher explained what his son had said and demanded an explanation.
Billy's father replied, "Well, I'm really an attorney. But how do you explain a thing like that to a seven-year-old child?"

Good One!!!

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said:
"Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."
Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine,
thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.
So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
This is what transpired:
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: Aaagh !! -- "That's Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, box 22 is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak, I can hardly see anything!!!!
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, “Here’s your $1000 back."
(but hands him a $10 bill)
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

Moral of story, Just because you're "Young” doesn’t mean that you can outsmart an "Old Geezer”.

A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says
"Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry officer I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry officer I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I'll get really low blood sugar."
"Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm too drunk to do that."

My wife was standing in the kitchen preparing our usual eggs, bacon, and toast for breakfast and wearing only the t-shirt that she normally sleeps in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said in a hurried tone, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”

My eyes opened wide as I thought, “either I’m still dreaming or this is going to be a great day!” Not being one to argue with my wife about morning sex, I embraced her and gave it my all, right there on the kitchen counter.

Afterward she said, “Thanks,” straightened her shirt and returned to the stove and took the eggs out of the pan.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”

She set my plate on the table and said matter-of-factly, “Oh, the egg timer is broken.”

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
2. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
3. Since she can't get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.
4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
8. The patient refused autopsy.
9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
11. Patient's medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
14. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
15. She is numb from her toes down.
16. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
17. The skin was moist and dry.
18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
20. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
24. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.
27. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
28. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
29. Patient was seen in consultation by DR. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.
30. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Alleghany, in your comment you quote Moms Mabley. Man, talk about a name out of the past. I'll be nobody here in the Factory under the age of 60 has ever heard of her.

Phil

nice

“A woman’s a woman until the day she dies, but a man’s only a man as long as he can.”

“Advice to children crossing the street: damn the lights. Watch the cars. The lights ain’t never killed nobody.”

“Ain’t nothing an old man can do for me but bring me a message from a young one.”

“Anytime you see me with my arms around an old man, I’m holding him for the police.”

“Baby, I’mma stomp you!”

“Black women, white women- all of them. I’m colorblind. I don’t know the difference. I only know you’re a human being and you’re my children.”

“Dont kiss me! You might start something you can’t finish.”

“He was so ugly… he hurt my feelings.”

“I don’t want nothing old but some old money. Buy me some young ideas. That’s what I’m gonna do with it.”

“I was real uptight with him, he certainly was uptight with me; you better believe. He took a lot off me and the lease I could do was take his name.”

“I was taught to work; couldn’t jive my way through. You talk about rehearsals-honey, we rehearsed before shows, between shows and after shows.”

“If you don’t want your children to know the truth about life don’t send ‘em to the theater to see Moms ’cause I’m gonna tell them THE TRUTH, hear?”

“Love is like playing checkers. You have to know which man to move.”

“My granny was a slave, she did all her cooking in her fireplace…she told me ‘child, you look into that fireplace and see the future in those flames, cuase you’re gonna see the world like
your granny never did’.”

“My husband was so ugly, he used to stand outside the doctor’s office and make people sick.”

“That man so old… he’s older than his birthday.”

“The comedian on learning from mistakes.”

“The teenagers ain’t all bad. I love ‘ern if nobody else does. There ain’t nothin’ wrong with young people. Jus’ quit lyin’ to ‘ern.”

“There ain’t nothin’ an ol’ man can do but bring me a message from a young one.”

“They say you shouldn’t say nothin’ about the dead unless it’s good. He’s dead. Good!”

“Use those brains that God put in your head.”

“Without that basic foundation in showmanship, an at can’t remain at the top.”

“You know Moms has been accused of liking young men, and I’m guilty.”

I liked this one so I changed my email sig line to read:

I don't need anger management. I need people to stop pissing me off.

Great joke!

Thank you. This one hit the spot.

How to tell a biker from a happy biker? The biker has bugs in his beard. The happy biker also has them in his teeth.

Hmmm....The Screw...it could work.

LoL

You tell em Sister!

My fake plants died because I didn't pretend to water them

A dying artist painted himself into a coroner.

I ear there's a new Van Gogh been discovered.

Van Gogh's favorite swimming technique was the brushstroke.

Why did the artist become an Impressionist? He did it for the Monet.

Good One!!

Funny stuff!

You gotta really know a natural blond to appreciate this...and if they're Polish too forget about it!

OMG, not that is so ... true! lol