Factory Joke Thread – July 2015

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

Please read the forum rules before posting.

~Angela

See also

Frequently Asked Questions

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Singles ad-Rich widow looking for man w/following qualifications

WON'T BEAT ME UP
WON'T RUN AWAY
HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail...all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications.

Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, "Who are you and what do you want?"

"Hi," said the man "Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I've got no arms, so I can't beat you up and I've got no legs, so I can't run away."

The old woman asked, "What makes you think you're so great in bed?"

To which he replied, "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

Got my gun permit yesterday

....and went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm for home protection.
When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amuck, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!!!
I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.
I still don't think I looked that bad.

The Boat

Sven and Ole go fishing. It’s such a great day, they rent a boat so they can fish from the middle of the lake. They row out, drop their lines, and before you know it, they're catching fish, one after another after another. They can’t believe what a great fishing spot they found.
Sven says, “This is the best fishing spot in the county. It’s just too bad we didn’t bring some paint.”
Ole asks, “Paint? Why should you want paint, to go fishing?”
“Well Ole, don’t you see, so we can paint an “X” in the bottom of the boat, so we can find this spot next time.”
Ole laughs at him. “Sven, don’t be such a dummy! Next time, what if they give us a different boat?”

Martial arts

The Israelis developed Krav Maga - the art of disabling an opponent as quickly as possible.
The Japanese developed Jujitsu - the art of defeating an armed and armored opponent.
The Brazilians developed Capoeira - the art of defeating an opponent using dance and acrobatics.
The French developed parkour - the art of running away as quickly and efficiently as possible.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

My wife told me I was immature and needed to grow up

Guess who's not allowed in my tree house anymore.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Volcano Puns

What's a volcano's favorite historical document? The Magma Carte.

What does a volcano do when it wants food for a party? Orders a cratering company.

What did the boy volcano say to the girl volcano? I Lava You.

Tonto and the Lone Ranger

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were camping in the wilderness. After they got their tent set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says,"'Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"

The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."

"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically-speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time-wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning. Theologically,the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you,Tonto?"

Tonto replies, "You dumber than buffalo... It mean someone stole tent."

20 Jokes So Terrible They're Actually Funny

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

3. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'"

"That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome."

"Is it common?"

Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," says Dolly.

"It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him. (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good...) A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!

question

If an earthquake hits a Catholic church are there mass casualties?

stickman

--
Never argue with a pig. It makes you look foolish and it anoys the hell out of the pig!

Important Health Message

As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world,

I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's tail. It's the tortoise life for me!

1. If walking/cycling is good for your health, the mailman would be immortal.

2. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat.

3. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years.

4. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years.
 
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.

I'm retired. Go around me!

--
Never argue with a pig. It makes you look foolish and it anoys the hell out of the pig!

Sobriety Test

A Texas State trooper pulled a car over on I-35 about 2 miles south of Waco Texas. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to Austin Texas to do a show for the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the State Troopers car. A drunken good old boy from central Texas got out, watched the performance, then went over to the Trooper's car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went over to the State car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”

--
Tampa, FL - Garmin nüvi 660 (Software Ver 4.90), 2019.30 CN NA NT maps | Magellan Meridian Gold

Body

My wife told me she wanted the body of a stripper.
But she was kind of horrified when I brought her one.

Subject: Auto AC

The Goldberg Brothers - The Inventors of the Automobile Air Conditioner
Here's a little fact for automotive buffs, or just to dazzle your friends.
The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner. On July 17, 1946 , the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.

The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office.

They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and cooled the car off immediately.

The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, 'The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,' on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.

Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Jewish, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show --

Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max -- on the controls.

Home Security

The older we get the wiser we become ...

We've disconnected our home alarm system and quit our candy-ass Neighborhood Watch.

We bought two Pakistani flags on eBay and raised them in the front yard, one at each corner, plus a black flag of ISIS in the center.

Now, the local police, sheriff, FBI, CIA, NSA, Homeland Security, Secret Service and other agencies are all watching the house 24/7.

I've never felt safer and we're saving $49.95 a month.

Ha!

BarneyBadass wrote:

Try this

http://www.drawastickman.com/index.htm

Takes about 5 minutes to complete.

Success....

avandyke wrote:

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The Ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

.....

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did!!!!!!!!

At least 15 made me laugh, so...SUCCESS.

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Ask Siri ...

Funny Things to ask your Iphone or Ipad..

Ask Siri one of the following...

01. "What is zero divided by zero?
02. "Beam me up Scotty"
03. "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah"
04. "Can I borrow some money?"
05. "Do you follow the three laws of robotics?"
06. "Do you have a boyfriend?"
07. "Do you have any pets?"
08. "Does Santa Claus exist?
09. "Guess what"
10. "How do I look?"
11. "How many Apple Store Geniuses does it take to screw in a light bulb?"
12. "How much wood could a woodchuck chuck of woodchuck could chuck wood"
13. "How old are you?"
14. "I love you"
15. "Are you Her?" (the Movie "her")
16. "I'm drunk"
17. "I'm naked"
18. "I'm sleepy"
19. "Is God real?"
20. "Make me a sandwich"
21. "Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all?"
22. "OK Glass"
23. "Open the pod bay door"
24. "Read me a haiku"
25. "Roll a die"
26. "Say it don't spray it"
27. "Sing me a song, Siri"
28. "Stop it Siri"
29. "Take me to your leader"
30. "Talk dirty to me"
31. "Tell me a story"
32. "Testing, testing"
33. "What are you doing later?"
34. "What are you wearing?"
35. "What does Siri mean?"
36. "What does the fox say?"
37. "What is ‘Inception’ about?" (The Movie)
38. "What is the best operating system?"
39. "What is the best smartphone?" or "What phone is the best?"
40. "What is the meaning of life?"
41. "What’s your favorite movie?"
42. "What's the best computer?"
43. "What's your favorite animal?"
44. "When will the world end?"
45. "Where did I put my keys?"
46. "Who's your daddy?"
47. "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
48. "Will pigs fly?"

--
Bobkz - Garmin Nuvi 3597LMTHD/2455LMT/C530/C580- "Pain Is Fear Leaving The Body - Semper Fidelis"

how about

bobkz wrote:

Funny Things to ask your Iphone or Ipad..

Ask Siri one of the following...

01. "What is zero divided by zero?
...
48. "Will pigs fly?"

What day of the week is shortest?

--
Illiterate? Write for free help.

Old Age Wisdom

A Father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf…

Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them.

She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she can join them.

Naturally, the guys all agreed.

Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, “Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you wants to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, or tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don’t try to coach me on how to play my shots.”

With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green.

The father’s mouth was agape. “That was beautiful,"he said. The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn’t get into it and I faded it a little.”

After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out a nine iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.) The son said, “Damn, lady, you played that perfectly.”

The blonde frowned and said, “It was a little weak. I left a tricky little putt.” Then she tapped in the five-footer for a birdie.

Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole and knocked the hell but of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole.

When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, “I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I’d really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole, I’ll take him back to my apartment, pour some 25-year-old Royal Salute Scotch in him, fix him dinner and then show him a good time the rest of the night.”

The yuppie grandson jumped at the thought. He strolled across the green, carefully eying the line of the putt and finally said, “Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup.”

The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. “Don’t listen to the kid, darlin’, you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and run it left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup.”

The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde’s ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said,

“That’s a gimme, sweetheart. Your car or mine?”

AGE AND EXPERIENCE WILL TRIUMPH OVER YOUTH AND SKILL EVERY TIME

Star Trek

What did Spock find in the toilet?

Captains log.

HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

presstech wrote:

What did Spock find in the toilet?

Captains log.

LOL!!!

Wait, are you sure it's not a Baby Ruth? grin

The night was dark and slimmy

the streets were as slick as glass
for around the corner came Jonny
a sliding on his aaaa...
ladies do not fret
for the word I have not said
for around the corner came Jonny
a sliding on his sled

--
nuvi 1390 LT, nuvi 1450 LMT, Vista, Win 10

Punography

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

When chemists die, they barium.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it downed on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I've never met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

PMS jokes aren't funny. Period.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer Bunny arrested: Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Broken pencils are pointless.

Answering machine message 168

Answering machine message 168
The number you have reached, 226-0477, has been changed. The new number is 226-0477. (Yes, same number.) Please make a note of it.

(from Joke of the day)

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Life just gets better as you get older, doesn’t it?

Life just gets better as you get older, doesn’t it? I was in a coffee
shop recently when my stomach started rumbling and I realised that I
desperately needed to fart.
The place was packed but the music was really loud so, to get relief
and reduce embarrassment, I timed my farts to the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs I started to feel much better.

I finished my coffee and noticed that everyone was staring at me. Then
I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my IPod.

This is what happens when senior citizens use technology!

--
GPSmap76Cx handheld, Nuvi 2557LMT, Nuvfi 2598LMTHD

Wisdom of Time

I was at the bar last night and couldn't help but over-hear two guys in their mid-twenties sitting next to me.

One of the guys says to his buddy: "Man you look tired.”

His buddy says: “Man, I'm exhausted. My girlfriend wants to have sex all the time. She's after me 3 and 4 times a day, I just don't know what to do."

A fellow about my age, sitting a couple of stools down also overheard the conversation.

He looked over at the two young men and with the wisdom of years says: "Marry her... That'll put a stop to it."

Some real groaners here.

Creative Puns For Educated Minds

1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

10. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, you stay here; I'll go on a head.

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me..

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

16. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

17. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

18. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

19. A backward poet writes inverse.

20. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

Fireworks Puns

What happened to the boy falsely accused of stealing fireworks? He was let off.

What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with fireworks? A Dinomite.

What do you call a duck who likes watching fireworks? A firequacker.

And that's how the fight started

"So you see your honor, I was driving down the freeway when I was momentarily distracted. When I looked back up, the car in front of me had slammed on its brakes and I couldn't stop in time. Unfortunately, I crashed into the back of it," I said.
"Go on," the judge said.
"Well, we pull over to the side of the road, and the other driver gets out and starts stalking angrily back to my car. And I couldn't believe it, but he's a little person, a midget, you know?" I ask.
The judge looks at me and says, "I understand that, young man, the defendant is right there. But how does that have any bearing on what happened?"
"Well," I say, "the defendant stalks angrily up to my window, motioning for me to roll it down. When I do, he snarls at me, 'I am NOT happy.' And I just couldn't help myself and said, 'Then which one are you?'"
And that's how the fight started...

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A scout master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the

“What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?” he asked. Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.
“Yes, Davey, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?” asked the scout master.
Davey replied, “A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards.”
“Why is that, Davey?” asked the scout master.
“Well,” answered Davey, “the compass is to find the right direction, and the water is to prevent dehydration.”
“And what about the deck of cards?” asked the scout master impatiently.
Davey replied, “Well, sir, as soon as you start playing solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, ’Put that red nine on top of that black ten.’”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Fish story

A man get stopped by a game warden with his basket full of fish.

Warden: do you have a permit for all these fish?
Man: no sir. These are all my pet fish.
Warden: your pet fish? How's that?
Man: well, every night I take all my pet fish for a walk to the lake, I let them swim for about half hour and then I whistle and they all come back and jump in my basket and we go home. We do this every night.
Warden: Well that's just a crock of lies!!
Man: here I'll show you... (Releases the fish in the lake)
Warden: well this I got to see!!
5 minutes later...
Warden: well??
Man: what?
Warden: the fish!! Where's your pet fish??
Man: what fish??

The Confessional

A boy goes to confession at a Catholic church.
The boy tells the priest, "Father I'm afraid I've been with a loose girl."
"Hmm, ok son, what was the girls name?"
"Oh I can't say."
"Was it Mary Jane?"
"No Father."
"Adalina Mozarelli?"
"My lips are sealed."
"How about Cindy King"
"I can never say."
"Oh come on boy, I'll find out soon enough. It was Tina King wasn't it!?"
"No."
"It has to be Tracy Cummings though!"
"Father I will never tell you."
"Ok fine, but for your sin you can't be alter boy for four months."
"Ok, Father"
The boy leaves and his friend asks, "So what'd you get?"
The boy responds, "Five good leads, and a four month vacation!"

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

TODAY'S LESSON IN IRONY

THE FOOD STAMP PROGRAM IS ADMINISTERED BY THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF AGRICULTURE. THEY PROUDLY REPORT THAT "THEY DISTRIBUTE FREE MEALS AND FOOD STAMPS TO OVER 46 MILLION PEOPLE ON AN ANNUAL BASIS."   
   
MEANWHILE, THE NATIONAL PARK SERVICE, RUN BY THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF THE INTERIOR, ASKS US "PLEASE DO NOT FEED THE ANIMALS". THEIR STATED REASON FOR THIS POLICY BEING THAT...    "THE ANIMALS WILL GROW DEPENDENT ON THE HANDOUTS AND THEN THEY WILL NEVER LEARN TO TAKE CARE OF THEMSELVES."  
 
THIS CONCLUDES TODAY'S LESSON. 
 
ANY QUESTIONS? 

--
Never argue with a pig. It makes you look foolish and it anoys the hell out of the pig!

Frozen Crabs and the Blonde Flight Attendant

A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde flight attendant to take care of them for him.

She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York, she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the lawyer who gave me the crabs in New Orleans please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up, so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Not all blondes are as dumb as most folk think.

Growing Older

An elderly husband and wife noticed that they were beginning to forget many little things around the house. They were afraid that this could be dangerous, as one of them may accidentally forget to turn off the stove and thus cause a fire. So, they decided to go see their doctor to get some help. Their physician told them that many people their age find it useful to write themselves little notes as reminders. The elderly couple thought this sounded wonderful, and left the doctor's office very pleased with the advice.
When they got home, the wife said, "Honey, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And why don't you write that down so you won't forget?"
"Nonsense," said the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cream!"
"Well," said the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries on it. You better write that down, because I know you'll forget."
"Don't be silly," replied the husband. "A dish of ice cream and some strawberries. I can remember that!"

"OK, dear, but I'd like you to put some whipped cream on top. Now you'd really better write it down now. You'll forget," said the wife.
"Come now, my memory's not all that bad," said the husband. "No problem, a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream."
With that, the husband shut the kitchen door behind him. The wife could hear him getting out pots and pans, and making some noise inconsistent with his preparing a dish of ice cream, strawberries, and whipped cream. He emerged from the kitchen about 15 minutes later.
Walking over to his wife, he presented her with a plate of b acon and eggs. The wife took one look at the plate, glanced up at her husband and said, "Hey, where's the toast?

Lost on a desert island

This reminds me of another joke... in case you're traveling over the ocean, be sure to carry a section of fiber optic cable with you. That way, if you're ever stranded on a desert island, simply bury the cable and wait for the guy in a backhoe that will inevitably dig it up.

Days of the Week

This young fellow was on “Who Wants to be a Millionaire”..He was up to $100,000 and his only lifeline left was “Call a Friend.”
The question was: What two days of the week begin with the letter “T”? And he was stumped. So he called his Dad.
When Dad answered the phone the contestant said “Dad. I’m up to $100,000 and I need your help. The question is what two days of the week begin with the letter “T”?
His father replied, “Son, I didn’t raise any dummies. That’s easy. The answers is today and tomorrow.”

Gotta love them lawyers....

Gotta love them lawyers....

30 Actual Sentences Found In Patients Hospital Charts.

1. She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

2. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

3. Since she can’t get pregnant with her husband, I thought you might like to work her up.

4. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

5. The patient has been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.

6. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.

7. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful. 8. The patient refused autopsy. 9. The patient has no previous history of suicides.

10. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.

11. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.

12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

13. Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

14. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.

15. She is numb from her toes down.

16. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

17. The skin was moist and dry.

18. Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

19. Patient was alert and unresponsive.

20. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.

21. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

22. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

23. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

24. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.

25. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

26. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as a stock broker instead.

27. Skin: somewhat pale but present.

28. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.

29. Patient was seen in consultation by DR. Blank, who felt we should sit on the abdomen and I agree.

30. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.

Stools

Why are there only 3 legs on a milking stool?

Because the cow's got the udder.

the king and the weatherman

Once upon a time there was a king who wanted to go fishing. He called the royal weather forecaster and enquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours.

The weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain in the coming days. So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen.

On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace at once because in just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area".

The king was polite and considerate as he replied: "I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. Besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him and I will continue on my way." So he continued on his way.

However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition.

Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the weatherman at once! Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster.

The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtain my information from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain."

So the king hired the donkey.

And so began the practice of hiring asses to work in the government and occupy its highest and most influential positions

--
Never argue with a pig. It makes you look foolish and it anoys the hell out of the pig!

Wedding shopping

A woman who had been married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding.

"Of course, madam," replied the sales clerk, "exactly what type and color dress are you looking for?"
The bride-to-be said, "A long frilly white dress with a veil."

"Please don't take this the wrong way, madam, but such dresses are usually more fitting for the first time bride who is more innocent in the ways of life, if you get my meaning."

"WELL!," replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness,"I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not, despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride.

You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our honeymoon hotel.

My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon hotel that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again."

"What about your third husband?"
"That one was a politician", said the woman, "and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be...but nothing ever happened."

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Wedding shopping

smile

--
Nuvi 2460

A Retired Person's Perspective

1. I'm not saying let's go kill all the stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all the warning labels and let the problem work itself out.

2. I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.

3. You can tell a lot about a woman's mood just by her hands. If they are holding a gun, she's probably pissed.

4. Gone are the days when girls cooked like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

5. You know that tingly little feeling you get when you really like someone you've just met? That's common sense leaving your body.

6. I don't like making plans for the day. Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.

7. I didn't make it to the gym today. That now makes 1,500 days in a row.

8. I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim. I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.

9. Dear paranoid people who check behind your shower curtains for murderers. If you happen to find one, what's your plan?

10. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Politicians just abuse the privilege.

Husband send a text to his wife

Husband's text:
Honey, I got hit by a car outside the office. Paula brought me to the Hospital. Doctors presently doing tests and taking X-rays. Severe blow to my head but not likely to have any lasting effects. Wound required 19 stitches. I have three broken ribs, a broken arm and compound fracture in the left leg. Amputation of my right foot is a possibility. Love you.
Wife's response:
Who's Paula?

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

When my employer asked if I had a criminal record

...I guess "highest number of robberies in an hour" wasn't the answer he was looking for.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!
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