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Frequently Asked Questions
Five things happen as you are getting old;
1.) you forget things
2.) you repeat things
3.) your sex life goes to pot
4.) you repeat things
5.) .... I can't remember what the fifth thing was..
With the holidays upon us I would like to share a personal experience with you about drinking and driving. As you may know some of us have been known to have brushes with the authorities from time to time on the way home after a "social session" out with friends. Well two days ago I was out for an evening with friends and had several cocktails followed by some rather nice red wine. Feeling jolly I still had the sense to know that I may be slightly over the limit. That's when I did something that I've never done before - I took a cab home. Sure enough on the way home there was a police road block but since it was a cab they waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident. This was a real surprise as I had never driven a cab before, I don't know where I got it and now that it's in my garage I don't know what to do with it !
A veterinarian had a busy day at the clinic, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals, his wife was waiting with a tall, cool drink and a romantic, candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed. An hour later, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly woman's voice. "Yes, it is," replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?" "Well, sort of," said the woman. "There's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?" The vet took a deep breath, then patiently replied, "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone." "Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that stop them?" "It should," said the vet. "It stopped me!"
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load." The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, an d you are losing some of your load!" Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street. At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!" When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says, "Hi, my name is Ted. It's winter in Chicago, and I'm driving the salt truck."
A recent survey of men has revealed one of their biggest fears in life is going deaf.
Obviously they didn't ask married men.
My wife was surprised when I gave her a very expensive necklace for our anniversary.
"Were you sober when you bought this?" she asked with a smile.
"I've made a lot of mistakes since we got married," I confessed.
"But being sober isn't one of them."
After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed. The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process. After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he decided to call it a day when a lone, armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job.
The bishop was incredulous, "You have no arms!" "No matter," said the man, "Observe!" He then began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon. The bishop listened in astonishment, convinced that he had finally found a suitable replacement for Quasimodo. Suddenly, rushing forward to strike a bell, the armless man tripped, and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed to his side. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moments before. As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked, "Bishop, who was this man?" "I don't know his name," the bishop sadly replied, "but his face rings a bell."
(but wait, there's more...)
The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame. The first man to approach him said, "Your excellency, I am the brother of the poor, armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday. I pray that you honor his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty."
The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest and died on the spot. Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy,rushed up the stairs to his side."What has happened?" the first breathlessly asked, "Who is this man?"
"I don't know his name," sighed the distraught bishop, "but he's a dead ringer for his brother.
Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"
Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."
A man got on a bus with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many glances from her, he said, “It’s golf balls.”
The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked, “Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”
A man walks into a bar, and tells the bartender to pour him a 12 year old single malt scotch "before the trouble starts." The bartender pours his drink and quietly moves away.
After finishing his drink, the man calls the bartender back and tells him "pour me a 15 year old scotch before the trouble starts." The bartender thinks this is very strange but pours him the 15 year old scotch.
After finishing that drink, the man tells the bartender to pour him an 18 year old scotch "before the trouble starts." The bartender is becoming a little worried, but pours him the 18 year old scotch.
Before the man finishes his 18 year old scotch, the bartender finally gets up the nerve to ask: "Say friend, when this trouble is going to start?" To which the man replies: "The trouble starts, when you find out that I don't have any money."
right on - if u can't relate u r toooo young
Good One.....Somehow I saw it coming.
A great way to start off the new year! Keep it up
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage.
We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week.
A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing.
She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.
René Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, "What will it be, whiskey?" Descartes says, "I think not!" And he disappears.
[from the internet]
Guy walks into my parts store. Says "I need a gas cap for a Kia."
I said, okay, sounds like a fair trade
A Texan meets a Harvard graduate, tips his hat politely and asks, "Where are you from?" The Harvard grad sneers and says, "I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions." The Texan mulls the comment over and responds, "Okay, where are you from, jackass?"
One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drugstore that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed, "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks." Later that evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message, "Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop masturbating, your tennis elbow will never get better."
I can’t eat breakfast without a couple slices of wheat on the side because I’m lack-toast intolerant.
Pizza chefs who have flour on their face at the end of a long shift call that a 5-o’clock shadough.
“I just story a car!” = Grand Theft Auto-correct.
So a dog walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Do you have any jobs?” and the bartender says, “Why don’t you try the circus?” The dog replies, “Why would the circus need a bartender?”
The insurance industry loves its acronyms. The first time I saw the term proof of ownership was in a client’s file that read “Insured has POO on damaged items.”
I realize that some women may not find this funny, but here it is anyway...
Why Some Men Have a Dog And No Wife
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
4. A dog's parents never visit.
5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
6. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.
7. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
8. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"
9. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
10. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.
11. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.
And last, but not least:
12. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
To test this theory:
Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an hour. Then open it and see who's happy to see you.
AVOID cutting yourself when slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold the vegetables while you cut!
A mousetrap placed on top of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after you hit the snooze button!
Three female cats were bragging about their kittens. The first cat said, "My kittens are part Persian. Their father was a pure Persian cat." The third cat said nothing. The second cat said, "Well, that is nothing. My kittens are part Siamese. Their father was a pure bread Siamese." The third cat still said nothing. Then the first two cats asked her, "What are your kittens?" She replied, "Oh, I don't know. I had my head stuck in the tuna can at the time."
This guy was applying for a job as a switch operator on the railroad. The engineer was conducting the interview. "What would you do if the Northern Express was heading north on Track 1 and the Southern Central was heading south on Track 1?" The guy thought. "Well, I'd call my brother." The engineer just sat there for a second. "Why on Earth would you call your brother?" "He's never seen a train wreck before."
Oxymorons are basically complicated...
A guy took his blond girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: "Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!" I'm like.....Helloooooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!!
[From the internet]
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.
A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk.
The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?"
He replied, "They had avocados."
If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time.
My work is done here.
A teacher is explaining biology to her third grade students. She says, "Human beings are the only animals that stutter."
A little girl raises her hand, saying, "I had a kitty cat who stuttered."
The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
"Well,'' she began, "I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!"
The teacher told the girl, "That must've been scary,"
The little girl said, "It sure was! My kitty raised her back, went 'Sssss, Sssss, Sssss' and before she could say 'S#!t,' the Rottweiler ate her!"
The teacher had to leave the room.
I like those short ones
Now that's another good one - it seems it became a real CAT-astrophe!
It gets a ***** rating.
ha ha, here is another one:
Two ladies are sitting next to each other on a plane. One is a Yankee and the other, a Southern Belle. The Southern Belle turns to the Yankee and asks, “So, where y’all from?”
The Yankee turned her steely gaze to the Southern Belle and replied, “I am from a place where we do NOT end our sentences with a preposition.”
Silence ensues and the flight continues until a few minutes later when the Southern Belle again turns to the Yankee and asks, “So, where are y’all from, bitch?”
A boy is waiting for the school bus and decides to push over the outhouse. When he gets home his father is waiting for him, belt in hand. He says, "Son, did you push over the outhouse?" The son replies, "Well, Dad, we learned about George Washington in school today and like him I cannot tell a lie. Yes, I pushed over the outhouse." The father says, "You do realize you're going to be punished now, right?" The son protests, "But Dad, when George Washington told the truth about cutting down the cherry tree, he didn't get punished!" His father replies, "Well, George Washington's father wasn't IN the cherry tree."
John receives a phone call. "Hello," he answers. The voice on the other end says, "This is Susan. We met at a party about three months ago." John says, "Susan? About three months ago?" Susan says, "Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party you took me home. On the way we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport." John says, "Oh, yeah. Susan! How are you?" Susan replies, "I'm pregnant by you and I'm going to kill myself." John says, "Say, you really ARE a good sport!"
There was a young man who was dating two girls-Nancy and Edith. He always carried pictures of both of them in his wallet.
But there came a time when he decided he wanted to marry Edith. He proposed and she accepted.
He decided he would surprise Edith with a cake the night of the wedding party dinner before the next day’s wedding.
He made some phone calls and found a baker who could do as he asked.
Unfortunately, he had to work late the day he was going to the bakery to place his order. Finally, getting out of work late he rushed to the bakery and made it just before closing. He hurriedly grabbed a picture out of his wallet and gave it to the baker. He gave instructions to deliver the cake the night of the wedding party dinner with a cover over it so he could unveil it to surprise his bride-to-be.
Well, the next night the wedding party had gather and had a fine meal. The baker had delivered the cake as requested.
After the dinner the groom announced to show his love how much she meant to them he had a cake made in her likeness.
As he uncovered the cake there was a moment of silence and then a loud gasps from the wedding party.
It was a perfect likeness of Nancy. Edith immediately broke off the wedding.
The moral? You can’t have your cake and Edith, too.
Q. How do you get a sweet, little old lady to yell the 'F' word?
A. Get another sweet, little old lady to yell "BINGO!"
You got me on that one. Great punch line.
A man drinks at the pub until they close.
He stands up to leave and falls flat on his face. He tries to stand one more time and falls again. He figures he'll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.
Outside, he tries to stand up and falls flat again. He gives up and crawls the four blocks to his house, crawls up the stairs and pulls himself into bed.
The next morning, his wife stands over him shouting, "So, you've been out boozing again!"
"What makes you say that?" he asks, putting on an innocent face.
"The pub called -- you left your wheelchair there again."
Little Mary just couldn't decide what to get her younger brother for his birthday.
Her aunt was visiting, so she asked her what she thought might make a nice gift. "Well, what did you give him last year?" her aunt asked.
"Chicken pox." said Mary.
simple, but funny.
A guy walks into a crowded bar, waving his 1911. “Who in here has been screwing my wife?” he demands. A voice from the back of the bar yells back. “You need more ammo.”
Two proctologists were talking and one said to the other. Do you know you have a rectal Thermometer behind your ear? The proctologist reaches behind his ear and pulls out the rectal thermometer and said "Some Butt Hole has my ink pen."
I was installing a new door on the bathroom and found that one of the hinges was missing.
I asked my wife, Mary, if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge.
She agreed to go.
While she was waiting for the manager at Home Depot to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet.
When the manager was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that faucet?"
The manager replied, "That's a gold plated faucet and the price is $500.00.
Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that's an expensive faucet -- certainly out of my price range."
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that I had sent her to buy.
The manager said that he had them in stock and went into the storeroom to get one.
From the storeroom the manager yelled, "Ma'am, you wanna screw for the hinge?"
Mary shouted back, "No, but I will for the faucet."
..... This is another reason why you can't send a woman to Home Depot!
A woman meets a man in a bar.
They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment.
She notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.
There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears carefully placed in rows, covering the entire wall!
It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf.
She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large collection of Teddy Bears, she is quite impressed by his sensitive side. But doesn't mention this to him.
They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, 'Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father of my children?' She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips.
He responds warmly.
They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in His arms and carries her into his bedroom
Where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.
She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known.
After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in The afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, 'Well, how was it?'
The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes and says:
'Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf'
A married man was visiting his mistress when she requested that he shave his beard. "Oh, James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face." James replied, "My wife loves this beard, I couldn't possibly do it, she'd kill me!" "Oh, please?" the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice. "Oh, really, I can't," he replies. "My wife loves this beard!" The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in. That night, James crawls into bed with his wife while she's sleeping. The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies, "Oh, Michael, you shouldn't be here, my husband will be home soon."
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