Factory Joke Thread – January 2014
Wed, 01/01/2014 - 4:55am
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This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.
It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.
Please read the forum rules before posting.
Have fun....
~Angela
Frequently Asked Questions
POOR DOGGIE
After hearing a shot, Hank ran next door and found his friend Tony crying. "Say, what's wrong?" Hank asked. Tony sobbed, "I had to shoot my dog." Hank said, "My God! Was he mad?" Tony replied, "Well, he wasn't exactly overjoyed."
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!
FAKING IT
"Did you fake it this time, darling?" the man asked after making love to his wife. "No, dear," she replied. "This time I really was asleep."
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!
Short Puns
While hiking in the woods, Nate and Sam found this huge rock which had an old iron lever attached to it. Etched into the rock was the following inscription: "If this lever is pulled, the world will come to an end!"
Nate wanted to pull the lever and see what would happen, but Sam, being a paranoid pessimist, greatly feared this! He said to Nate that if he tried to pull the lever, he'd shoot him!
In a daring attempt, Nate lunged for the lever, and sure enough, Sam shot him!
What is the moral of this story?
Better Nate than lever!
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him what?
A super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis
I have a little Satnav
I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are
I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife
It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour", it says
"You're doing thirty five"
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counseling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then
I could turn the bugger off! (Amen to that!)
Today is a gift, that's why they call it the present...
LOVE THIS COP
LOVE THIS COP
A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The driver
is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer,
demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist
instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual
orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.
The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.
When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.
The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"
Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks;
"Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"
Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."
Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"
"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."
"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"
"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."
"Aggressive and hostile?"
"Yes, Sir.
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"
Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.
How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client?
johnm405 660 & MSS&T
Good one
Ha!
wow
...
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath.
This made him what?
A super callused fragile mystic plagued with halitosis
Now that took some thought.
Shooter N32 39 W97 25 VIA 1535TM, Lexus built-in, TomTom Go
NY State of mind
A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into
a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.
The cab driver, an old ethnic gentleman, opened his
eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt
to start the cab.
The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong
with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked
woman before?"
The old ethnic cab driver answered, "Let me tell you
sumsing, lady I vasn't staring at you like you
tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."
The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if
you're not staring at my boobs or a$$ sweetie, what
are you doing then?"
He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell,M'am,
I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking
to myself,'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping
de money to pay for dis ride?
Using Android Based GPS.The above post and my sig reflects my own opinions, expressed for the purpose of informing or inspiring, not commanding. Naturally, you are free to reject or embrace whatever you read.
Good One!!!
Good One!!!
Kingston, Tennessee
An Oldie,...
but a classic. Thanks.
RKF (Brookeville, MD) Garmin Nuvi 660, 360 & Street Pilot
The Barber
A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The guy turns around and leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around at the shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy turns around and leaves.
A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and a half." The guy turns around and leaves.
The barber at this point is too curious for his own good, looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill. Follow that guy and see where he goes."
A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looks up, tears in his eyes and says, "Your house."
Live every day like it's your last. Some day you'll be right - Benny Hill
Senior Joke
Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem. Retrieving it is the problem.
Nuvi2797LMT (2) Nuvi260,Ford Sync3 Navigation. Captain Cook was a Yorkshire man too.
The Difference Between Men and Women
Wife’s Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner. I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it. Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn’t say much.
I asked him what was wrong; He said, ‘Nothing…’
I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it. On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn't say, ‘I love you, too.’
When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent. Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else. He fell asleep; I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
Husband’s Diary:
A five putt… who the f*&k five putts?
Ole and Sven at the airport
Ole and Sven were drinking buddies who worked as aircraft mechanics in Minneapolis and one day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do. Ole said, "I vish ve had somethin ta drink!" Sven says, "Me too. Y'know, I hear ya can drink dat jet fuel and get a buzz. Ya vanna try it?" So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and got completely smashed. Next morning Ole woke up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! The phone rang. It was Sven who asks "How iss you feelin dis mornin?" Ole says, "I feel great. How bout you?" Sven says, "I feel great, too. Ya don't have no hangover?" Ole says, "No dat jet fuel iss great stuff -- no hangover, nothin. Ve oughta do dis more often." Sven agreed."Yeah, vell, but dere's yust vun ting." Ole asked, "Vat's dat?" Sven questioned, "Haff you farted yet?" Ole stopped to think. "No " "Vell, DON'T, 'cause I'm in Iowa
johnm405 660 & MSS&T
Lol
Lol
Gattina11
Reply
good one
THE JAR
A philosophy professor stood before his class and had some items in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly he picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks, rocks about two inches in diameter. He then asked the students if the jar was full? They agreed that it was. So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles, of course, rolled into the open areas between the rocks. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was. The students laughed. The professor picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the sand filled up everything else. "Now," said the professor, "I want you to recognize that this is your life. The rocks are the important things-your family, your partner, your health, your children-things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else. The small stuff. If you put the sand into the jar first, there is no room for the pebbles or the rocks. The same goes for your life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the things that are important to you. Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out dancing. There will always be time to go to work, clean the house, give a dinner party and fix the disposal." "Take care of the rocks first - the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand." But then, a student then took the jar which the other students and the professor agreed was full, and proceeded to pour in a glass of beer. Of course the beer filled the remaining spaces within the jar making the jar truly full. The moral of this tale is that no matter how full your life is, there is always room for beer.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!
Airline Mottos
A man is alone in an airport lounge. A beautiful young woman walks in and sits down at the table next to him.
He decides that because she's wearing a uniform, she's probably an off-duty Flight Attendant. He decides to
flirt by identifying the airline she flies for, thereby impressing her greatly.
He leans across to her and says the British Airways motto, “To fly, to serve”?
The young woman looks at him blankly. He sits back and thinks up another line. He leans forward again and delivers the Air France motto. “Winning the hearts of the world”?
Again she just stares at him with a slightly puzzled look on her face. Undeterred he tries again this time saying the Malaysian Airlines motto. “Going beyond expectations”?
The woman looks at him sternly and says, “What the f~ck do you want”?
“Aha”, he says,.................. "Delta Airlines".
I spend 80% of my money on airplanes & beer. The rest is wasted.
A Quiet Romantic Dinner...
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair as the woman stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the woman "Pardon me, ma'am , but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."
King Throne Pun
An obscure tribe on a South Pacific island had the unusual practice of electing a new king every 10 years. One of the perks of being king was custody of a beautiful, mahogany, jewel - studded throne. The throne was spectacular in appearance and comfort.
As one particular King's reign was coming to an end, he became more and more agitated about losing the throne. Not only would he have to move out of a beautiful palace and back into his grass - thatched hut, but he would forever lose access to that beautiful throne!
The night before the new King was to take office, the outgoing King had his palace staff remove the throne and hide in the bamboo rafters of his hut.
Unfortunately, the throne was too heavy for the rafters. One night about a week later, the throne broke through the rafters, crashing down on the King's bed and killing him instantly.
The moral of the story? If you live in a grass house, don't stow thrones!