Factory Joke Thread -December 2012

There was a beer party out in the woods and, all of a sudden there was a downpour of rain and thunder. Two young men ran for about 10 minutes in the pouring rain, and finally reached their car just as the rain let up.
They jumped in the car, started it up and headed down the road, laughing and, of course, still drinking one beer after the other.
All of a sudden an old man's face appeared outside the passenger window, and he tapped lightly on the window! The man on the passenger side screamed out, "Ahhhhhhh! Look at my window!!! There's an old guy's face
there!"
The old man kept knocking, so the driver said, "Well, open the window a little and ask him what he wants!" So, the passenger rolled his window
down part way and, scared out of his wits, said, "What do you want?"
The old man softly replied, "Do you have any cigarettes?"
The passenger, terrified, looked at the driver and said, "He wants a cigarette."
"Well, give him a cigarette! HURRY!!" the driver replies. So he fumbles around with the pack and hands the old man a cigarette and yells to the driver, "Step on it!!!", rolling up the window in terror.

Now going about 80 miles an hour, they calm down, and they start laughing again, and the passenger says, "What do you think of that?"
The driver replies, "I don't know. How could that be? I am going pretty fast."
Then all of a sudden AGAIN there is a knock, and there is the old man again. "Aaaaaaaaaaaaah, there he is again!" the passenger yells. "Well, see what he wants now!" yells back the driver.
He rolls down the window a little ways and shakily says, "Yes?" "Do you have a light?" the old man quietly asks. The driver throws a lighter out the window at him and rolls up the window
and yells, "STEP ON IT!"
They are now going about 100 miles an hour and still guzzling beer, trying to forget what they had just seen and heard, when all of a sudden again
there is more knocking!
"OH MY GOD! HE'S BACK!"
The passenger rolls down the window and screams in stark fear, "WHAT DO YOU WANT?"
The old man replies, "You want some help getting out of the mud?"

Eugene, a furniture dealer from St. John's Newfoundland, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table; asked him something in French (which Eugene couldn't understand); so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music. They ordered dinner..... after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Eugene has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business.

Very Funny.
I can always use a good laugh

Very Funny and well worth the read!

Ron

Similar to the one that says, 95% of men jerk off in the shower, the other 5% sing, do you know which song? I don't know either.......

Will let us know which song.

Two groups of computer experts were set up in order to find
out whether computer is male or female: one group was male,
and the other group was female.

The group of women reported that computers should be
referred to as "HE" because:

1. In order to get their attention you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems but half the
time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had
waited a little longer, you could have had a newer and better
model.

The group of men reported that computers should be referred to
as "SHE" because:

1. No one but the creator understands their logic.
2. The native language they use to talk to other computers is
incomprehensible to anyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory
for later retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find
yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

I would have given him 100% for his wit!!!
Q1. In which battle did Napoleon die? * his last battle

Q2. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed? * at the bottom of the page

Q3. River Ravi flows in which state? * liquid

Q4. What is the main reason for divorce? * marriage

Q5. What is the main reason for failure? * exams

Q6. What can you never eat for breakfast? * Lunch & dinner

Q7. What looks like half an apple? * The other half

Q8. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become? * It will simply become wet

Q9. How can a man go eight days without sleeping ? * No problem, he sleeps at night.

Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand? * You will never find an elephant that has only one hand..

Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have ? * Very large hands

Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it? * No time at all, the wall is already built.

Q13. How can u drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it? *Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.

A man was walking in the street when he heard a voice: ''Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step, a brick will fall down on your head and kill you.''

The man stopped and a big brick fell right in front of him. The man was astonished. He went on, and after awhile he was going to cross the road.
Once again the voice shouted: ''Stop! Stand still! If you take one more step a car will run over you and you will die.''

The man did as he was instructed, just as a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. ''Where are you?'' the man asked. ''Who are
you?''

''I am your guardian angel,'' the voice answered.

''Oh yeah?'' the man asked... ''And where the hell were you when I got married?''

An Egyptian man is walking through the Cairo bazaar, when a stranger comes up to him and offers to sell Viagra (illegal in Egypt) for 100 Egyptian
pounds.

"No, not worth it!"

"OK, how about 50 Egyptian pounds?"

"No, not worth it!"

"OK, 20?"

"No, not worth it!"

"How about 10?"

"No, not worth it!"

"Listen, these pills cost US $10 each. How can you say they are not worth it?"

"Oh, the pills ARE worth it. My wife is not worth it."

Kenny came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinko drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife, who was already asleep.
He gave a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe.
"Who the hell are you?" Demanded Kenny, "and what are you doing in my bedroom?". The mysterious Man answered "This isn't your bedroom and I'm St
Peter". Kenny was stunned "You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much to live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me back straight away". St Peter replied "Yes you can be
reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen." Kenny was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't so bad" he
thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said "So you're the new hen, how are
you enjoying your first day here?" "It's not so bad" replies Kenny, "but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode". "You're
ovulating" explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never laid an egg before". "Never" replies Kenny "Well just relax and let it happen" And so
he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his
emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first
time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best
thing that ever happened to him... ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the
back of his head and heard his wife shouting "Kenny, wake up you drunken bastard, you're s***ting the bed!

The commercials say
"Every kiss begins with Kay."
Lots of times kiss begins with a bottle of Budweiser.

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students.. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'

Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'

Ms.. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'

Harry:
'9.'

Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'

Harry:
'36.'

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rdgrade'

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'

Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'

Ms Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: 'Pockets.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'

Harry:
'Pants.'

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'

Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'

Harry: 'Shake hands.'

The principal was trembling.

Ms... Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'

Harry:
'Firetruck.'

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong..

He knows where all the naughty girls live!

What is Santa's favourite pizza?

Answer: One that's deep pan, crisp and even.

Good one!!!

Wonderful - Merry Christmas!

An old man walks into the barbershop for shave and a haircut, but he tells the barber he can't get all his whiskers off because his cheeks are wrinkled from age. The barber gets a little wooden ball from a cup on the shelf and tells him to put it inside his cheek to spread out the skin.

When he's finished, the old man tells the barber that was the cleanest shave he's had in years, but he wanted to know what would have happened if he had swallowed that little ball.

The barber replied, "Just bring it back in a couple of days like everyone else does.

This one made me laugh out loud and also a few other people that I told it to.

Thanks!

Your joke was a good one. Thanks.

I heard about the coal shortage in Pennsylvania. The naughty children received Philadelphia Eagles jerseys this year.

The Catholic priest in a small town had become very
perturbed, and he decided to lay it on the line to
the congregation.

"Brothers and sisters," he said solemnly. "It has come to my attention that immorality is rampant in our fair town. To be specific, it is being said there is not one virgin left. This vile lie must and shall be refuted. In order to do so, I ask every virgin in the congregation to rise."

Not a woman stirred.

"I understand the modesty that would make a young lady hesitate to announce her condition publicly," the priest intoned. "But it is necessary to do so. Young women, I ask those who are truly virgins to rise."

And still not a woman stirred.

Wrath now moved the priest. "Will you, for the fear of experiencing a small shame, incur a great one? I ask you in the name of Mother Mary herself. Let all virgins stand!"

And as his thunderous tones died away, a young lady, far in the rear, with a baby in her arms, rose bashfully.

The preacher stared with astonishment at her. "Young woman, I have asked for virgins to stand."

"Father," the young lady answered indignantly, "do you really expect this six-month-old child to stand by herself?"

There was this haunted house on the outskirts of the town which was avoided by all the townfolk - the ghost which `lived' there was feared by all.

However, an enterprising journalist decided to get the scoop of the day by photographing the fearsome phantom. When he entered the house, armed
with only his camera, the ghost descended upon him, clanking chains et al. He
told the ghost "I mean no harm - I just want your photograph". The ghost was quite happy at this chance to make the headlines - he posed for a number of ghostly shots.

The happy journalist rushed back to his dark room, and began developing the photos. Unfortunately, they turned out to be black and underexposed.

So what's the moral of the story?

The spirit was willing but the flash was weak.

What did Santa give to his reindeer?

A pony sleighstation!

A friend asks his friend for a cigarette.

His friend says, "I thought you made a New Year resolution to quit smoking".

The man says, "I did and am in the process of quitting". Right now, I am in the middle of phase one.

What's phase one?

I've quit buying.

Dallas Cowboys...

I've been trying to get this joke for a while now but I just don't get it.

deep and crisp and even - like snow

It's a word pun from the lyrics of the Christmas carol Good King Wenceslas.

Good King Wenceslas looked out
On the feast of Stephen
When the snow lay round about
Deep and crisp and even
Brightly shone the moon that night
Though the frost was cruel
When a poor man came in sight
Gath'ring winter fuel.

You may know it by other words.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
--Written in the dust on the back of a bus. Wickenburg,
Arizona.

Poem of the year
The computer swallowed Grandma,
Yes, honestly it's true!
She pressed 'control and 'enter'
And disappeared from view.
It devoured her completely,
The thought just makes me squirm.
She must have caught a virus
Or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin
And files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Mr. Google
My searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found 'on line.'
So, if inside your 'In box,'
My Grandma you should see,
Please 'Copy, Scan' and 'Paste' her,
And send her back to me.

Liked it going to send to some friends if you don't mind.

Jack - Hi babe, i'm at the pub with some lads, please try and wash all my dirty clothes and make sure u prepare my favorite dish before i return. 50 minutes later Jack sent another text....

Jack - Babe, i forgot to tell you that I got an increase in my salary
at the end of the month, i'm getting you a new car.

wife text back immediately.

Wife -" o.m.g really ?".

Jack - NO, i just wanted to make sure u got my first message....

On the outskirts of town, there was a big old pecan tree by the Cemetery fence. One day two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts. "One for
you, one for me.One for you, one for me," said one boy.

Several were dropped and rolled down toward the fence. Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed,he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate.

Sure enough, he heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me." He just knew what it was.

"Oh my," he shuddered, " it's and the Lord dividing the souls at the cemetery". He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.

"Come here quick," said the boy, "you won't believe what I heard. Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls."

The man said, "Beat it kid, can't you see it's hard for me to walk." When the boy insisted, though, the man hobbled to the cemetery.

Standing by the fence they heard, "One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me."

The old man whispered, "Boy, you've been tellin' the truth. Let's see if we can see the devil himself."

Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron
bars of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of Satan.

At last they heard, "One for you, one for me. And one last one for you. That's all. Now let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

They say the old guy made it back to town five minutes before the boy.

A man left his cat with his brother while he went on vacation for a week.
When he came back, the man called his brother to see when he could pick the cat up. The brother hesitated, then said, "I'm so sorry, but while
you were away, the cat died."

The man was very upset and yelled, "You know, you could have broken the news to me better than that. When I called today, you could have said he
was on the roof and wouldn't come down. Then when I called the next day,
you could have said that he had fallen off and the vet was working on patching him up. Then when I called the third day, you could have said he had passed away."

The brother thought about it and apologized.

"So how's Mom?" asked the man.

"She's on the roof and won't come down."

very funny thank you

The Governor made room on his busy calendar to hear the pleas of one Mrs. Smith that her husband be released from the state penitentiary. "What was
he sentenced for?" asked the Governor gently.
"For stealing a loaf of bread," nervously replied the offender's wife.
"Is he a good husband?"
"No," she replied frankly, blushing a bit. "He doesn't help around the house, he's not good with the kids, and never had a steady job."
"It sounds to me as though you're better off without him," said the Governor. "Why on earth do you want him out of jail?"
"Well," she explained, "we're out of bread again."

Once there was a little boy that lived in the country. They had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer and cold in the winter and stank all the time.

The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away. That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper.
Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked why.
The dad replied, "Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today.
It was you, wasn't it son?" The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table watching a little show. On the table was an upside down pot and a duck tap
dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck from its owner. After some negotiations, they settled on a
figure of $10,000 for the duck and the pot.

Three days later the circus owner runs back to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience, and he didn't dance a single step!"

"So?" asked the ducks former owner, "did you remember to light the candle under the pot?"

For most people when you lose your "khakis" you've lost your pants. When you're from the north eastern part of the country & lose your "khakis" you can't start your car.

Groups of Americans were traveling by tour bus through Holland. As they stopped at a cheese farm, a young guide led them through the process of cheese making, explaining that goat's milk was used. She showed the group a lovely hillside where many goats were grazing.

"These," she explained, "are the older goats put out to pasture when they no longer produce." She then asked, "What do you do in America with your old goats?"

A spry old gentleman answered, "They send us on bus tours!"

.....good!

An old man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night.

The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone's relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 98.

His wife had a closed casket at the funeral. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked "Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?"

The wife said, "Let him dig. I had him buried upside down. And I know he won't ask for directions."

A Newfoundlander was stopped by a Game Warden recently with two ice chests full of live fish.
He was leavin' a cove well known for its fishing.
The Game Warden stopped him and asked "Do you have a license to catch those fish?"
"No, sir," replied the Newfoundlander.
"Got no license. I don't need one. You must understand, b'y, dese fish are my pet fish."
"Pet fish?" says the Warden.
"Yeah. Dat's de trut' b'y. Every night, I takes dese fish down to de cove and lets 'em swim 'round for awhile.
Den, when I whistles, dey jumps right back into dese ice chests, and I takes 'em 'ome."
"That's a bunch of hooey! Fish can't do that."
The Newfoundlander looked at the Warden for a moment and then said, "It's de trut sir. I'll show ya. It really works."
"Okay," said the Warden. "I've got to see this!"
The Newfoundlander stood on a rock and poured the fish into the cove. Then he stood and looked out to sea.
After several minutes, the Warden says, "Well?"
"Well, what?," says the Newfoundlander.
The Warden says, "When are you going to call them back?'"
"Call who back?"
"The FISH," replied the Warden!
"What fish?" replied the Newfoundlander.

Moral of the Story: We may not be as smart as some, but by the lard tundering,we ain't as dumb as some Government Employees

Now that's a good one

Argon walks into a bar.
Bartender says "We don't like your kind here".
Argon doesn't react.

Good one!!!

NEWS BULLETIN: Saying it will improve the education of children who
have grown up immersed in computer lingo, the school board in San Jose,
Calif., has officially designated computer English, or ``Geek-onics,''
as a second language.

The historic vote on Geekonics -- a combination of the word ``geek''
and the word ``phonics'' -- came just weeks after the Oakland school
board recognized black English, or Ebonics, as a distinct language.

``This entirely reconfigures our parameters,'' Milton ``Floppy''
Macintosh, chairman of Geekonics Unlimited, said after the school board
became the first in the nation to recognize Geekonics.

``No longer are we preformatted for failure,'' Macintosh said during a
celebration that saw many Geek-onics backers come dangerously close to
smiling. ``Today, we are rebooting, implementing a program to process
the data we need to interface with all units of humanity.''

Controversial and widely misunderstood, the Geekonics movement was
spawned in California's Silicon Valley, where many children have grown
up in households headed by computer technicians, programmers, engineers
and scientists who have lost the ability to speak plain English and have
inadvertently passed on their high-tech vernacular to their children.