Factory Joke Thread -December 2012

Q-U-A-C-K-E-D me up! 8^o

This is the actual Holiday form letter I send out every year. Feel free to copy and revise for your own use, all my friends and family have.

~Angela

Dear Friend, Relative, Business Associate, or Casual Acquaintance,

Merry Christmas, or Hanukkah, or Kwanzaa, or Solstice, or Festivus, or Voodoo Day!

Boy, what a year it's been - me with my indoctrination to suburban domesticity, and you, doing whatever it is that you do.

Thanks for the Holiday card, it was very beautiful and/or humorous. I enjoyed the photo of your kid, kids, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, pets or extended polyamorous family unit. Gosh, he, she, it or they, are really getting big!

Have you seen our mutual friend, if we have one? Can you believe what he or she or he/she or he/she is up to? Wow, some people!

Does your son, or daughter, or sister, or brother, or husband, or wife or extended polyamorous family member, still have that drug problem? All you can do is trust in God, or Goddess, or Allah, or Buddha, or your Higher Power or Voodoo.

How is Granny, or Nana, or Mimi, or Yaya? So-so?

Hey, how about the professional sports team that we both root for or despise? They should fire, or rehire that manager of theirs. He or she is such a character!

Well, gotta go.

By the way, sorry about throwing up on your carpet that time, or times.

Anyway, I hope you receive many presents from Santa, or the Hanukkah Guy, or the Voodoo Man.

Best wishes that the coming year is as good as, better than, or nothing like the last year.

Sincerely, or your friend, or former co-worker, or sister, or daughter, or niece, or acquaintance,

Ang/ie/la

*letter adapted and/or revised from an old SNL sketch.

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a
couple of strokes. "Boy, I'd give anything to sink this putt," the golfer
mumbles to himself.

Just then, a stranger walks up beside him and whispers, "Would you
be willing to give up one-fourth of your sex life?"

Thinking the man is crazy and his answer will be meaningless, the
golfer also feels that maybe this is a good omen, so he says,
"Sure," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later, he mumbles to himself again, "Gee, I sure would
like to get an eagle on this one."

The same stranger is at his side again and whispers, "Would it be
worth giving up another fourth of your sex life?"

Shrugging, the golfer replies, "Okay." And he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs another eagle to win.

Without waiting for him to say anything, the stranger quickly moves
to his side and says, "Would winning this match be worth giving up the
rest of your sex life?"

"Definitely," the golfer replies, and he makes the eagle.

As the golfer is walking to the club house, the stranger walks
alongside him and says, "I haven't really been fair with you because you
don't know who I am. I'm Satan, and from this day forward you will have no
sex life."

"Nice to meet you, "the golfer replies, "I'm Father O'Malley."

A man hasn't been feeling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.

"I'm afraid I have some very bad news," the doctor says. "You're dying, and you don't have much time left."

"Oh, that's terrible!" says the man. "How long have I got?"

"Ten," the doctor says sadly.

"Ten?" the man asks. "Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?"

"Nine..."

Old Fred’s hospital bed is surrounded by well-wishers, but it doesn’t look good for him. Suddenly he motions frantically to the pastor for something to write on. The pastor lovingly hands him a pen and a piece of paper, and Fred uses his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then dies.

The pastor thinks it best not to look at the note right away, so he places it in his jacket pocket. At Fred’s funeral, as the pastor is finishing his eulogy, he realizes that he’s wearing the jacket he was wearing when Fred died.
"Fred handed me a note just before he died," he says. "I haven’t looked at it, but knowing Fred, I’m sure there’s a word of inspiration in it for us all."

Opening the note, he reads aloud, "Help! You’re standing on
my oxygen tube!"

Hilarious...

1. Go to Goodwill and buy a pair of size 14-16 men's work boots.
2. Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
3. Put four giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
4. Leave a note on your door that reads ......

Bubba,

Me and Marcel, Bobbie Ray and Jimmy Earl went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls. They got the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back.

Cooter

Husband Does the Shopping

This is a story which is perfectly logical to all males:

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk? And if they have avocados, get six."

A short time later the husband comes back with six cartons of milk.

The wife asks him, "Why did you buy six cartons of milk?"

He replied, "They had avocados".

If you're a female I'm sure you're going back to read this again! Males will get it the first time.

A nice clean joke!

1: I prefer breasts to legs. 2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. 3: Smother the butter all over the breasts. 4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst! 5: I've never seen a better spread! 6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change. 7: Are you ready for seconds yet? 8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it? 9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some! 10: Don't play with your meat! 11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go. 12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once? 13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time! 14: You still have a little bit on your chin. 15: How long will it take after you put it in? 16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up. 17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang. 18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had! 19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning. 20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more

Excellent

Wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her Bedroom. From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. She reaches for a Baseball Bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. Husband says: "Hi Darling, Your parents have come to visit us, so let them stay in our bedroom. Hope you said Hello to them"

What's a blondes idea of natural childbirth?
No make-up.

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks thepharmacist for some bottom deodorant.

"Sorry, we don't sell bottom deodorant," the pharmacist replies, struggling to keep from laughing.

"But I always buy it here," the blonde says. "I bought one last month."

Thinking quickly, the pharmacist suggests, "I don't know what you bought before, so maybe you can bring in the empty container next time."

"Sure," the blonde replies. "I'll bring it with me tomorrow."

The next day, the blonde walks into the shop again and hands the pharmacist an almost empty deodorant stick. "This is just a normal deodorant," the pharmacist tells the blonde, "You use it under your
arms."

"No, it is not," the blonde answers, "it says so here: To apply, push up bottom."

She told me we couldn't afford beer anymore and I'd have to quit.
Then I caught her spending:$65.00 on make-up,$150 for a cut & color, $30 for a manicure, $40 for a pedicure,$50 on vitamins, $300 on clothes and
$600 for a gym membership.I asked how come I had to give up stuff and not her.
She said she needed it to look pretty for me.I told her that was what the beer was for!
I don't think she's coming back

Socrates:

One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about
one of your students?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Three?"

"That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are
about to tell me is true?"

"Oh no," the man said, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates interrupted, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed.

Socrates continued. "You may still pass though, because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"Well it....no, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was having an affair with his wife.

The Sheriff in a small town walks out into the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots. So he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking the cowboy up, the sheriff asked, "Why in the world are walking around like this?"

"Well, it's like this, Sheriff," the cowboy explained. "I was in the saloon down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to out to her home with her. So I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt ... so I did. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull of my pants, so I did. Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts ... so I did.

"The she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, 'Now, go to town, Cowboy...!'
And here I am."

At a recent wedding reception, the DJ yelled: "Would all married men please stand next to the one person who has made your life worth living."
The bartender was almost crushed to death, but is expected to survive.

I liked this.

Good One!!!

Gay marriage is legalized on the same day that
marijuana is. For the Bible tells us so: Leviticus 20:13: "A man who lays with another
man should be stoned."Our interpretation has just been wrong for all these years!

Sven and Ole, Two Minnesota engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walks by asks what they were doing.
"Ve're supposed to find da height of dis flagpole, " said Sven, "but ve don't haff a ladder."
The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
Ole shook his head and laughed. "Ain't dat just like a voman! Ve ask fer da height and she gives us da length!"
Sven and Ole have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Senate.

There is this couple celebrating their 20th anniversary. The husband decides to do something special for his wife. So he gets up early to
make her breakfast in bed. When the wife wakes up, she is totally amazed. "Oh John, thank you so much. I didn't expect this!" The husband than tells

her that he has another surprise, but for that she must wear a blindfold.
So the woman is blindfolded and the man leads her the way.

Twelve hours later John tells his wife to take off the blindfold. She takes it off and is totally stunned and very excited sheshouts: "OhJohn.... !!!! We are in Paris, aren't we ??!! This is the best gift you could ever give me! What can I expect when we have our 40th anniversary??!!"

"Well that's quite simple," John answers...... "That's when I come to pick you up again!"

As the storm raged, the captain realized his
ship was sinking fast. He called out,
"Anyone here know how to pray?"

One man stepped forward. "Aye, Captain, I
know how to pray."

"Good," said the captain, "you pray while
the rest of us put on our life jackets -
we're one short."

Very funny fake snowman
http://www.youtube.comJ

Good one!!

The Good Wife
On a bitterly cold winter 's morning a husband and wife in Minneapolis were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so Snowplows can get through conveniently".

So the good wife went out and moved her car as instructed.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."

The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park......." Then the power went off.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don 't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

Then, with all the love and understanding in his voice that men who are married to blondes always exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don 't you just leave the car in the garage this time?"

@Timantide: Did you mean to post this link?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vn6ADzEyZqU

Sorry, I had the link working right and then heard the language from some of the people.
I did not want to post it like that, but could not un-post it. It was easier to just screw up the link.
The language didn't bother me, but it might(would) bother others.
It was funny though.

Very good one!! Thanks for sharing it.

As per the subject, ie: "Factory Joke Thread", I read all 81 comments under this heading.. and was unable to find one (1) joke pertaining to a factory, or people working in a factory, so here goes..

"Why did the blond get fired from the M&M's Factory?"

"Because she kept throwing away all the W's she found."

Now that's a "FACTORY" joke.

Nuvi1300WTGPS

Reading other posts in this thread leads me to believe this voman just... "must be"... a blonde!

Ron

A husband went home after working at his job the pickle factory. His wife noticed he seemed a little bit aggravated so she asked him what was wrong. After some coaxing, he finally told her that he had been having an urge to put his penis in the pickle-slicer at work. His wife was astonished and told him an urge like that could not be healthy at all.
A week later, the husband came home dejected. His wife asked him what happened. He said, "I got fired for putting my penis in the pickle slicer." The wife is shocked and asked about the condition about his penis. "Oh it's fine." She then asked "What happened with the pickle-slicer?"
Husband: "Oh, she got fired too!"

Hostess Bakery plants shut down Friday due to a workers’ strike. It was split up

- The State Department hired all the Twinkies.
- Secret Service hired all the HoHos
- The generals are sleeping with the Cupcakes
- The voters sent all the Ding Dongs to Congress.

----------------------------------------------------

I like my women, just like my whiskey. Twenty-two
years old and mixed-up with little coke.

Factory Joke:

I once had a job cleaning in a glitter factory.

It was pretty rubbish.

As a blonde I even love it... i think

I would like to share an experience with you about drinking and driving. As
you well know, we have been extremely lucky not to have had brushes with the
authorities on our way home from our various weekend outings over the years.
A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends and had
a few too many glasses of wine and then topped it off with an Irish Coffee.
Not a good idea. Knowing full well that I was slightly over the limit, I did
something that I've never done before: I took a taxi home.
Sure enough, I passed a police road block but because it was a taxi, they
waved it past. I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real
surprise. I have never driven a taxi before and am not sure where I got it.

One day an 85-year-old man is taking a stroll around his hometown, which he has lived in for his whole life. As he sees the landmarks, homes, and streets from his youth, he starts reminiscing...

"I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on that. But people won't call you 'the bridge builder' if you do that here.
No, no, they don't!"

"I remember building that house over there when I was 30. But people won't call you 'the house builder' if you do that. No, no they don't!"

"I remember building that tavern that I still lounge at when I was 35. If
you do that people won't call you 'the tavern builder' either. They sure won't!"

"But if you get caught with one goat..."

An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city. Upon their arrival, the captain
showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was
in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened. She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn't get out of her room. "You can't
get out of your room?" the captain asked, "Why not?"

The stewardess replied: "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

Lol

She's single...
She lives right across the street.
I can see her house from my living room.
She is gorgeous.
I watched as she got home from work this evening.
I was surprised when she walked across the street and up my driveway.
She knocked on my door...
I rushed to open it.

She looks at me, and says, "I just got home, and I am so lonely! I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and make love all night long! Are you busy tonight?"
I immediately replied, "Nope, I'm free... I have no plans at all!"
Then she said, "Good! In that case, could you watch my dog?"

It sucks being a senior citizen!!!

I would like to share an experience with you about
drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have
had rare brushes with the authorities on our way home from the occasional social sessions over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks
with some friends and had a few too many beers and some shots. Knowing that I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done
before. I took a bus home!

Sure enough, a DUI checkpoint was set up, but
since it was a bus, they waved it through.

I arrived home safely without incident, which was a
real surprise, since I’ve never driven a bus before and am not quite sure where I got it!

This sounds a lot like the taxi one above.

Hear the one about the Mayans and the End of the World on 12/21/12?

Now THAT'S a real joke!

ML

All week people have been joking like there's no tomorrow....

I knew we would be OK because the Mayan in front of me just bought a lottery ticket for Saturdays draw.

She was a diehard Elvis Presley fan and wanted a tattoo.

She went to Coon’s Tattoo Parlor down on Main Street and told the artist she wanted Elvis’ face tattooed on her right inner thigh. After the artist finished, she looked at his work for a while and decided that it just did not look like Elvis. She demanded that the artist try again on her left inner thigh. So he drew another face. Again, she looked at his work and declared that it didn’t look like Elvis and she was not going to pay for it.

The artist suggested that they get an unbiased opinion from the next passerby on the street. If the passerby thought the tats looked like Elvis, she would pay for both. If not, there would be no charge. She agreed and took a seat on the bench in front of the shop.

When the next guy came by, she showed him the tats and asked, “Who does this look like?”

The guy studied for a minute and finally said, “I don’t know who those two on the ends are, but the one in the middle is Willie Nelson.”

After years of his wife's pleading, this good ol boy finally goes with her to her little local Church on Sunday morning. He was so moved by the Preacher's sermon that on the way out he stopped to shake his hand.

He said, "Reverend, that was the best gawd damn sermon I ever did hear!"

The Preacher replied, "Oh!! Why, thank you sir, but please...I'd appreciate it if you didn't use the Lord's name in vain!"

The man said, "I'm sorry Reverend, but I can't help myself, it was a good gawddamn sermon!"

The Reverend said, "Sir, PLEASE, I cannot have you behaving this way at Church"!

The man said, "Okay Reverend, but I just wanted you to know that I thought it was so gawddamn good, I put $500.00 in the collection plate!"

And the Reverend said, "NO S**T?!"

A man stood on the side of the road hitch hiking on a very dark night in the middle of a storm. The night was rolling and no cars passed. The storm
was so strong, he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly he saw a car come towards him and stop. The guy, without thinking about it,
got in the car and closed the door to realize that nobody was behind the wheel. The car started slowly. The guy looked at the road and saw a curve coming his way. Scared, he started praying, and begged for his life. He hadn't come out of shock, when just before he hit the curve, a hand appeared through the window and moved the wheel. The guy, paralyzed in
terror, watched how the hand appeared every time before a curve. The guy gathered strength, got out of the car and ran to the nearest town. Wet and
in shock, he ran into a cantina and asked for two shots of tequila, and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he went through. A
silence enveloped everybody when they realized the guy was crying and wasn't drunk. About half an hour later, two guys walked into the same cantina, and one said to the other. "Look Pepe, that's the character who climbed into the car while we were pushing."