Factory Joke Thread -December 2012

A man and a woman, who had never met before, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Although initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two are tired and fall asleep quickly -- he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 2:00 a.m., he leans over and gently wakes the woman, saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replies. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!!" he exclaims. "Good," she replies. "Get your own *** blanket."

At a show and tell day at school three young girls got up to speak before the rest of their class.
First up was Rebecca who said "Hello I'm Jewish and this is a Menorah."
Next up was Mary who said "Hello I'm Catholic and this is a Crucifix."

Lastly, up said Megan who said "Hello I'm a Methodist and this is a Beef Casserole."

A man and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids,all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

'Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad,' gushed son number one ... 'Sorry I'm running late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.'

'Not to worry,' said the father. 'The important thing is that we're all together today.'

Son number two arrived and announced, 'You and Mom look great, Dad. I just flew in from Los Angeles between depositions and didn't have time to shop for you.'

'It's nothing,' said the father, 'We're glad you were able to come.'

Just then the daughter arrived, 'Hello and happy anniversary! I'm sorry, but my boss is sending me out of town and I was really busy packing so I didn't have time to get you anything.'

After they had finished dessert, the father said, 'There's something your mother and I have wanted to tell you for a long time. You see, we were
very poor. Despite this, we were able to send each of you to college.
Throughout the years your mother and I knew that we loved
Each other very much, but we just never found the time to get married.'

The three children gasped and all said, 'You mean we're bastards?'

'Yep,' said the father, 'And cheap ones too.'

A Catholic priest, a Protestant minister, and a Jewish rabbi were discussing when life begins.
"Life begins," said the priest, "at the moment of
fertilization. That is when God instills the spark of life into the fetus."

"We believe," said the minister, "that life begins at birth, because that is when the baby becomes an individual and is capable of making its own decisions and must learn about sin."

"You're both wrong," said the rabbi. "Life begins when the children have graduated from college and moved out of the house."

--

A young couple on the brink of divorce visits a marriage counselor. The counselor asks the wife what is the problem. She responds “My husband suffers from premature excitement.”

The counselor turns to the husband and inquires “Is that true?” The husband replies “Well not exactly, its her that suffers not me.”

An ethical lawyer, an honest politician, and a merciful aerobics instructor all fall out of an airplane. Which one hits the ground first?

It doesn't matter - none of them actually exist.

Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rrriiiinnnngg,

'Hello?'

'Hi honey.
This is Daddy.
Is Mommy near the phone?'

'No, Daddy.
She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'
After a brief pause,
Daddy says,
'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'
'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,
Right now..'
Brief Pause.
'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.
Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs
And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy
That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'
'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'
A few minutes later
The little girl comes back to the phone.
'I did it, Daddy.'
'And what happened, honey?'
'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes
On and ran around screaming.
Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser
And now she isn't moving at all!'
'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'
'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too..
He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window
And into the swimming pool.
But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water
Last week to clean it.
He hit the bottom of the pool and I think he's dead.'
Long Pause
Longer Pause
Even Longer Pause
Then Daddy says,
'Swimming pool? ...........

Is this 486-5731?'

No, I think you have the wrong number

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."

The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"

And God saw that it was good.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."

The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"

And God, again, saw that it was good.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"

And God agreed it was good.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."

But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back? Then, I could live until I was around eighty... would that be okay?

"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."

So... that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey-like tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and 'bark' at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service. If you are looking for me, I will be out on the front porch.

A blonde goes to the post office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards. She says to the clerk, "May I have 50 Christmas stamps?"

The clerk says, "What denomination?"

The woman says, "God help us. Has it come to this? Give me 6 Catholic, 12 Presbyterian, 10 Lutheran and 22 Baptists."

Good One!!!

A guy stuck his head into a barber shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.' The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.' The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut.

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half.' The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favour. Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't come back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, 'So, where does that guy go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,

'Your house!'

^ That's a great one!

One night, an 87-year-old woman came home from
Bingo to find her 92-year-old husband in bed with another woman.

She became violent and ended up pushing him off the balcony of their 20th floor apartment, killing him instantly.

Brought before the court, on the charge of murder, she was asked if she had anything to say in her defense: 'Your Honor,' she began coolly, 'I figured that at 92, if he could screw, he could fly.'

card in a machine?

My trip to the store

There was a bit of confusion at the Sporting goods
store this morning.

When I was ready to pay for my purchases of gun
powder and bullets the cashier said, "Strip down,
facing me."

Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about
the gun registry people running amok, I did just as
she had instructed.

When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally
subsided, I found out that she was referring to my
credit card.

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

They need to make their instructions to us senior's
a little clearer

Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica?
Where do they go?
Wonder no more!
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life.
The penguin is very committed to it's family and will mate for life,
as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with it's offspring throughout its life.
If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members
of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes
in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is
deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into and buried.
The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

"Freeze a jolly good fellow."
"Freeze a jolly good fellow."

The new Texas preacher was a dead ringer for Conway Twitty,
the country music singer. One day he decided to visit some of the church members who hadn't been to service lately. He went to the first lady's house and knocked on the door.
When she answered the door, she said, "Conway Twitty!"

"No ma'am," he replied. "I'm your new pastor, and I came to have prayer with you." So she said come right on in.

He visited several more homes, and everyone thought he was Conway Twitty.
Then he came to a young widow woman's house on the end of the street. She was taking a shower at the
time, so she just wrapped a towel around her and opened the door.
When she saw her caller, she threw up her hands -
which allowed the towel to fall to the floor. "Oh my God!" she exclaimed. "It's Conway Twitty!"

And the preacher said...

"Hello Darlin!!"

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying:

"God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-byegrandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this:

"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died. Oh my gosh, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side. Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.

He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch."

I saw my Japanese neighbor this morning. I said, Happy Pearl Harbor Remembrance Day!"
With a wink he said, "Sank you!"

Just a comment, LIke the new picture

A young preacher was contacted by the local funeral director to hold a grave-side committal service at a small local cemetery for someone with no family or friends. The preacher started early but quickly got himself lost, making several wrong turns.

He arrived a half-hour late, the hearse was nowhere in sight, and the workmen were eating lunch.

The pastor went to the open grave and found the vault lid already in place. Taking out his book, he read the service.

As he was returning to his car, he overheard one of the workmen say: "Do you think we should tell him it's a septic tank?"

Barty was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by.

"Help!" Barty shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!"

Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there."

Mick leaned out and grabbed Barty's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail.

After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Barty,
"Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help."

As Mick was leaving, Barty called "Mick! Mick!

D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?

That one makes so much sense....it's Almost not funny...(heh heh heh)

Ron

Great joke!

A city boy was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car. A cloud of feathers.

Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse, rang the door bell. A farmer appeared. The man, somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him."

"Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "you can finish up the rest of the chickens in the coop out back of the barn."

A picture is worth many words.
http://i139.photobucket.com/albums/q297/spokybob/Frosty.jpg

Funny though

True, until they start to move back home

This was a total joke grenade for me. It took me 2 days to actually get it. WOW

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
____________________________________
TEACHER: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
JOHN: You told me to do it without using tables.
__________________________________________
TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell ‘crocodile?’
GLENN: ‘K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L’
TEACHER: No, that’s wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.
(I love this child)

A union captain walks into a bar next door to the factory and is about to order a drink to celebrate Obama’s victory when he sees a guy close by wearing a Romney for President button and two beers in front of him. He doesn't have to be an Einstein to know that this guy is a Republican. So, he shouts over to the bartender so loudly that everyone can hear, "Drinks for everyone in here, bartender, but not for the Republican."

Soon after the drinks have been handed out, the Republican gives him a big smile, waves at him, then says, "Thank you!" in an equally loud voice. This infuriates the union captain.

The union captain once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union captain once again loudly orders drinks for everyone except the Republican. As before, this does not seem to bother the Republican. He continues to smile, and again yells, "Thank you!"

The union captain asks the bartender, "What the hell is the matter with that Republican? I've ordered three rounds of drinks for everyone in the bar but him, and all the silly idiot does is smile and thanks me. Is he nuts?"

"Nope," replies the bartender. "He owns the place."

Love it!

A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the
mall was packed. As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised
to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset
because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called
him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.

In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry
store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that
diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would
get it for you one day?" The wife choked up and started to cry and
said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."

He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."

Patty is visiting her father Ralph at the nursing home.

'I've been sleeping really well these past few weeks,' Ralph says.

'Why?' Patty asks. 'Have the nurses been giving you something to help you sleep?'

'Yes,' Ralph says. 'Every night I'm given an glass of warm milk and viagra.'

'Why are they giving you viagra?' she asks.

'I don't know,' Ralph says.

Patty finds a nurse down the hall and asks to know more about their sleeping aids.

'The warm milk helps him sleep,' the nurse says.

'But why the viagra?' Patty asks.

'Oh,' the nurse says. 'That just keeps him from rolling out of bed.'

Jim was annoyed when his blonde wife told him that a car had backed into her, damaging a fender, and that she hadn't gotten the license number.
"What kind of car was he driving?" he asked.

"I don't know," she said. "I never can tell one car from another."

At that, Jim decided the time had come for a learning course, and for the next few days, whenever they were driving, he made her name each car they passed until he was satisfied that she could recognize every make.

It worked. About a week later she bounded in with a pleased expression on her face. "Darling," she said. "I hit a Buick!"

Good one!!!!

A Californian geek has invented a robotic parking attendant.

He's calling it the Silicon Valet.

These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. newspapers:

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!
___________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor’s dog.
________________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
____________________________________________________
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
____________________________________________________
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
Must sell washer and dryer £100.
____________________________________________________
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE.
Worn once by mistake.
Call Stephanie.
____________________________________________________
And the WINNER is...
FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer.
No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
(Statement of the Century)

After
being married for thirty years, a wife asked
her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while, then said,
"You're an alphabet wife .....
A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."

She asks
.. "What does that mean?"
He said,"Adorable,Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, and Hot".

She smiled happily and said ...
"Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"

The swelling in his eye is going down and
the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving
his testicles.

Wife texts husband on a cold winter's morning:
"Windows frozen."

Husband texts back: "Pour some lukewarm water over it."

Wife texts back 5 minutes later: "Computer completely messed up now."

A Mennonite woman was driving her buggy to St. Jacobs when an OPP traffic officer stopped her.

"I'm not going to cite you," said the officer. "I just wanted to warn you that the triangle reflector on the back of your buggy is about to fall off."

"I thank thee," replied the Mennonite lady. "I shall have my husband repair it as soon as I return home."

"Also," said the officer, "I noticed one of your reins to your horse is wrapped around his testicles. Some people might consider this cruelty to animals so you should have your husband check that too."

"Again I thank thee. I shall have my husband check this when I get home." True to her word, when the Mennonite lady got home, she told her husband about the broken reflector. He said he would fix it immediately.

"Also," said the woman, "the policeman said there was something wrong with the emergency brake."

>>> something wrong with the emergency brake."

Ha! I have to remember this joke (which is a challenge sometimes).

Timmy Writes a Christmas Letter

Dear Santa,

How are you? How is Mrs. Claus? I hope everyone, from the reindeer to the elves, is fine. I have been a very good boy this year. I would like an X-Box 360 with Call of Duty IV and an iPhone 4 for Christmas. I hope you remember that come Christmas Day.

Merry Christmas,

Timmy Jones

Dear Timmy,

Thank you for you letter. Mrs. Claus, the reindeer and the elves are all fine and thank you for asking about them. Santa is a little worried all the time you spend playing video games and texting. Santa wouldn't want you to get fat. Since you have indeed been a good boy, I think I'll bring you something you can go outside and play with.

Merry Christmas,

Santa Claus

Mr. Claus,

Seeing that I have fulfilled the "naughty vs. nice" contract, set by you I might add, I feel confident that you can see your way clear to granting me what I have asked for. I certainly wouldn't want to turn this joyous season into one of litigation. Also, don't you think that a jibe at my weight coming from an overweight man who goes out once a year is a bit trite?

Respectfully,

Tim Jones

Mr. Jones,

While I have acknowledged you have met the "nice" criteria, need I remind you that your Christmas list is a request and in no way is it a guarantee of services provided. Should you wish to pursue legal action, well that is your right. Please know, however, that my attorneys have been on retainer ever since the Burgermeister Meisterburger incident and will be more than happy to take you on in open court. Additionally, the exercise I alluded to will not only improve your health, but also improve you social skills and potentially help clear up a complexion that looks like the bottom of the Burger King fry bin most days.

Very Truly Yours,

S Claus

Now look here Fat Man,

I told you what I want and I expect you to bring it. I was attempting to be polite about this but you brought my looks and my friends into this. Now you just be disrespecting me. I'm about to tweet my boys and we're gonna be waiting for your fat ass and I'm taking my game console, my game, my phone, and whatever else I want. WHAT EVER I WANT, MAN!

T-Bone

Listen Pizza Face,

Seriously??? You think a dude that breaks into every house in the world on one night and never gets caught sweats a skinny g-banger wannabe? "He sees you when you're sleeping; he knows when you're awake." Sound familiar, genius? You know what kind of resources I have at my disposal. I got your sh*t wired, Jack. I go all around the world and see ways to hurt people that if I described them right now, you'd throw up your Totino's pizza roll all over the carpet of your mom's basement. You're not getting what you asked for, but I'm still stopping by your crib to stomp a mud hole in your a** and then walk it dry. Chew on that, Petunia.

S Clizzy

Dear Santa,

Bring me whatever you see fit. I'll appreciate anything.

Timmy

Timmy,

That's what I thought, you little bastard.

Santa

A man took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat.

The Doctor explained to the man that as ducks age their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to pick up it's food.

"What you need to do is gently file the upper bill down even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it'll drown."

The man goes about his business and about a week later the Doctor runs into his patient.

"Well, how is that duck of yours?" the Doctor inquires.

"He's dead." declared the heartbroken man.

"I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn't he?" insisted the Doctor.

"No." lamented the man. "I think he was dead before I took him out of the vise."

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.

As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting n a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car.
Were they trying to steal it? "Heavens no, we bought it."

"Then why don't you drive it away." "We can't drive." "Then why did you buy it?"

"We were told that if we bought a car here we'd get screwed ...so we're just waiting

A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law went on a vacation to the Holy Land. While they were there, the mother-in-law passed away. The undertaker told them, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her in the Holy Land for $150.00

The man though for a moment and announced he would prefer to have her shipped home. The undertaker moved closer to the man and whispered, "Why would you spend $5000 to ship her home when it would be quite wonderful to be buried in the Holy land for only $150.00?"

The man replied, "A man died here 2000 years ago, was buried, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on...

So He called His angels and sent one to earth for a time.

When the angel returned, he told God, 'Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.

God thought for a moment and said, 'Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.'

So God called another angel and sent her to earth for a time.

When the angel returned she went to God and said, 'Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good...'

God was not pleased.

So He decided to e-mail the 5% who were good, because He wanted to encourage them, and give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the e-mail said?

Okay, I was just wondering, because I didn't get one either!

Great one!

*