Factory Joke Thread - May 2012

As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Wardens (Meter Maids) funeral, a voice from inside screams, "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters, "Too late pal, the paperworks already done!!!"

THREE NUNS WERE ATTENDING A YANKEE BASEBALL GAME.

THREE MEN WERE SITTING DIRECTLY BEHIND.
BECAUSE THEIR HABITS WERE PARTIALLY BLOCKING
THE VIEW, THE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS
HOPING THAT THEY'D GET ANNOYED ENOUGH TO
MOVE TO ANOTHER AREA.

IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID,
"I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE TO UTAH . THERE ARE
ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE."

THEN THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID,
"I WANT TO GO TO MONTANA . THERE ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE."

THE THIRD GUY SAID,

"I WANT TO GO TO IDAHO . THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS
LIVING THERE."

THE MOTHER SUPERIOR TURNED AROUND,
LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY SWEET AND
CALM VOICE SAID,
"WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL? THERE AREN'T ANY NUNS THERE."

USPS created a postage stamp with the image of the current president. People complained that the stamps would not stick to the envelopes. An investigation revealed that people were spitting on the wrong side.
RELAX! It's just a joke.

There were these two elderly people living in a Florida mobile home
park.
He was a widower and she a widow. They had known one another for a
number
of years.

Now, one evening there was a community supper in the big activity
center.
These two were at the same table, across from one another. As the meal

went on, he made a few admiring glances at her and finally gathered up
his
courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of
'careful consideration,' she answered. "Yes. Yes, I will."

The meal ended and with a few more pleasant exchanges, they went to
their
respective places. Next morning, he was troubled. "Did she say 'yes' or

did she say 'no'?" He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could

not recall. No even a faint memory. With trepidation, he went to the
telephone and called her. First, he explained to her that he didn't
remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the lovely evening
past.
As he gained a little more courage, he then inquired of her, "When I
asked
if you would marry me, did you say 'Yes' or did you say 'No'?"

He was delighted to hear her say, "Why, I said, 'Yes, yes I will' and I

meant it with all my heart." Then she continued, "And I am so glad that

you called, because I couldn't remember who had asked me.

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday
afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk into the
water and stand next to the preacher. The minister notices
the old drunk and says, "Mister, are you ready to find
Jesus?"

The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, preacher, I sure am."

The minister dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him
right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asks.

"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.

The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer,
brings him up, and says, "Now, brother, have you found
Jesus?"

"Noooo, I have not, reverend."

The preacher, in disgust, holds the man under for at least
30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water, and says
in a harsh tone, "My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?"

The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, "Are
you sure this is where he fell in?"

A recent study found
the average Canadian walks
about 900 miles a year.

Another study found
Canadians drink,
on average,
22 gallons of beer a year.

That means,
on average,
Canadians get about 41 miles to the gallon.

That's a very good one!

That's a good one!

A biker from Regina was riding his cycle when he hit a patch of ice, and ended up breaking his leg and both shoulders. While he was recovering in hospital, an old homely nurse had to give him a bath each day. When her day off arrived, a young attractive nurse had to give the biker his bath. During lunch the next day, the old nurse asked the young nurse how it went giving the biker a bath.
Old nurse- "He has always been well behaved with me. Did you notice he has a tatoo down there?"
Young nurse- "Yes, I was surprised to see he had Saskatchewan tatooed there."
Old nurse- "Oh, I thought it said Swan."

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the Bunny trail and tripped over a large snake and fell, kerplop right on His twitchy little nose.

Please excuse me,' said the bunny. 'I Didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see.'

'That's perfectly all right,' replied the Snake. 'To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm Blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal Are you?'

'Well, I really don't know,' said the bunny..
'I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and Find out.'

So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he
Said, 'Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and A little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose. You must be a bunny Rabbit!'

The bunny said, 'I can't thank you enough. But
By the way, what kind of animal are you?'

The snake replied that he didn't know either,
And the bunny agreed to examine him, and when the bunny was finished, the snake asked, 'Well, what kind of an animal am I?'

The bunny had felt the snake all over, and he
Replied, 'You're cold, you're slippery, and you have no balls...

You must Be a POLITICIAN

When companies ship styrofoam what do they pack it in?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

Why do we label underwear as a pair?

What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

Why do firehouses have Dalmatians?

Why is it called a TV "set" when you only get one?

Why in a country with freedom of speech are there phone bills?

Does the little mermaid wear an algaebra?

Why do scars never go away?

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Why do old women die their hair blue?

Is laughing stock cattle with a sense of humor?

Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive up ATM?

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

Why do tugboats push their barges?

Sooner or later doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking?

Why is a keyboard called a keyboard if it just has little buttons?

How can someone walk up hill both ways through 32 feet of snow?

What is the purpose of that little ball on top of the flagpole?

If 75% of all accidents occur within 5 miles of home, why not move 10 miles away?

Why does your nose run and your feet smell?

Will you die if you get scared half to death twice?

What is the funny beep on the radio just before the network news?

If a vampire can't see himself in a mirror, why is his hair always so neat?'

If a cow laughed would milk come out its nose?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

Why do men's bicycles have crossbars?

Why is the word abbreviate so long?

Do married people live longer than single people do or does it just seem longer?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone is going to clean them?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their headlights off?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

If a parsley farmer is sued can he garnish his wages?

If you are in a vehicle going the speed of light, what would happen if you turned on your headlights?

Isn't Disneyland a people trap operated by a mouse?

If you keep trying to prove Murphy's law, will something go wrong?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Are people born stupid or do they have to work at it?

How did a fool and his money get together?

If the cops arrest a mime do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

If you try to fail and succeed which have you done?

How can someone draw a blank?

Do toilet seats really protect us from anything?

Why do they call it quicksand when it sucks you down slowly?

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead"?

How do you know when it is time to tune your bagpipes?

If someone with multiple personalities robs a bank, who is charged with the crime?

Corn oil is made from corn, Olive oil is made from olives, so what does baby oil come from?

How can there be self-help groups?

If the land is free, why is someone always trying to sell me something?

Why are movie theatres always so cold?

If fire fighters fight fires and crime fighters fight crime, what do freedom fighters fight?

Why do you often see a shoe lying on the side of the street?

Why do we pay tolls on the freeway?

Why do banks charge you a "non sufficient funds" fee on money they already know you don't have?

Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

Do you think the Assassination Museum was created after JFK's assassination?

Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?

Why is a black light not black?

Why is it when a door is open it's ajar but when a jar is open isn't not adoor?

Why do they call a pear a pear if there is only one?

Why is it called a Caesar's salad? Did he invent it?

If it is tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?

Do blind Eskimos have seeing -eye sled dogs?

If someone invented instant water, what would they mix it with?

Why do old men wear their pants higher than young men do?

If you're born again do you have two belly buttons?

Why do they say new and improved? It can't be new if it was improved can it?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

If you choke a Smurf what color would it turn?

How does the guy who runs the snowplow get to work in the morning?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward would the taxi driver end up owing you money?

How do they get deer to cross at the yellow sign?

Why do we wait until a pig is dead to cure it?

How much money, in pennies, is lying on the streets of the world?

Why do women wear such uncomfortable shoes?

Why does the Indiana driver's license include in its list of possible restrictions "B" for "Blind"?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell is he homeless or naked?

Why is it called a football when you really don't use your feet at all?

Why does the psychic hotline ask for your credit card number? Shouldn't they already know it?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?

Do vegetarians eat animal crackers?

How does Elmo hear? Elmo has no ears?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?

Why is it that when you tell a person that there are 400 billion stars in the sky and he'll believe you, tell him a bench is wet and he has to touch it?

If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it do the other trees make fun of it?

Is the grass really greener on the other side?

Why is there only ONE monopolies commission?

Why is an orange an orange but an apple not a red?

If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?

Is the glass half full or half empty?

If you set to work with a knife that will cut through anything and Tupperware that's guaranteed not to break, what happens?

How do I set my laser printer on stun gun?

Why do people look up when they think?

Why do we tie shoes to the back of newlywed's cars?

Why don't we get dizzy from the world spinning so fast?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

If blind people wear sunglasses why don't deaf people wear ear muffs?

Does a fish get cramps after eating?

What are preparations A-G?

Why when you say a color a lot does it start to sound really strange?

Do infants have as much fun in the infancy as adults do in their adultery?

What happened to the first 6 "ups"?

Why do doughnuts have holes?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

If you throw your pet cat out the window of your car does it become cat litter?

Why are cigarettes sold at gas stations if smoking is prohibited there?

Why are cows milked from the right side?

Why is it called a building when it's already built?

Why isn't phonic spelled the way it sounds?

Can fat people go skinny-dipping?

Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

How does the Cheshire cat only show his smile?

Why did God give men nipples?

Isn't Big Kid an oxymoron?

If trailer parks didn't exist would tornadoes exist?

Why do they call them straight jackets when they are never straight?

Why do we have to dry raincoats?

Why isn't "palindrome" spelled the same way backwards?

If a man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Why do you have a hot water heater when you don't need to heat hot water?

Just before someone gets nervous do they experience cocoons in their stomachs?

Does chewing gum lose its flavor on the bed post overnight?

Can your face actually freeze while making ugly faces?

Why do steam irons have a permanent press setting?

Why do we itch?

Why do phone companies give you a number to call if your phone doesn't work?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

When I erase a word with a pencil where does it go?

How come you press harder on a remote when you know the battery is dead?

Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food?

Why are they called apartments when they are stuck together?

Why are most homes white?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding what is it expanding into?

Why don't we get goosebumps on our face?

Why do brown eyes see better in the sun than blue eyes?

Why does an alarm clock "go off" when it BEGINS ringing?

Why does glass eventually get thicker towards the bottom?

Why is jack a nickname for John?

Why can't we make newspapers that don't smudge?

Who really took the bite out of the Apple logo?

If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

Why do roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Will wearing short sleeve shirts show your support for the right to bare arms?

Why do some ranchers put old boots on fence posts?

Where do they get that awful music for ice-skating?

If a person kills their clone is it murder or suicide?

Why are they called stands when they are made for sitting?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word lisp to have an s in it?

If vegetarians eat vegetables what do humanitarians eat?

How do you tell when you are out of invisible ink?

How does one actually zip their lip?

When an elevator is overloaded with passengers who is criminally responsible?

If the entire world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

When sign makers go on strike is there anything written on their signs?

Why are toilet flush handles on the left side?

Why do other people hear our voices different than we do?

How does Kraft get the 5 ounces into every slice of American Singles?

How come Superman can stop bullets with his chest but he always ducks when someone throws a gun at him?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Why is it that when you are driving and looking for an address you turn the radio down?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia can you read all right?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation or a murder?

Why is it that when you see someone in a cast or a brace you say ouch?

If it is zero degrees outside today and it is supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

What do you plant to grow a seedless watermelon?

Was the only reason God gave us a shin is to find things in the dark?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word monosyllabic?

Where are the germs that cause good breath?

Why does unscented hairspray smell?

What is Mother Goose's real first name?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns do the rest have to drown too?

Why does the minute hand on school clocks always click backward before advancing?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

Why do your feet swell on airplanes?

If pro is the opposite of con, is progress the opposite of congress?

Shouldn't there be a shorter word for monosyllabic?

If white wine goes with fish do white grapes go with sushi?

Before they invented drawing boards what did they go back to?

Why do scientists call it research when they are looking for something new?

If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they get Teflon to stick to the pan?

Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?

How come you never hear about grunted employees?

Why don't more psychics win the lottery?

How many licks does it really take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?

How do they unclog mail chutes in skyscrapers?

If I break the laws of Physics do I go to jail?

What is the purpose of the red string on Band-Aid brand adhesive packages?

What causes the holes in Swiss cheese?

Why is it that when you transport something by car it is called a shipment but when you transport something by ship it is called cargo?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?

Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Why is there an expiration date on SOUR cream?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why is it when two planes almost hit each other it is called a near miss? Shouldn't it be called a near hit?

Why can't you find fresh sardines in a fish market?

Which fruits are in Juicy Fruit?

If you can't drink and drive why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor, and why do bars have parking lots?

If you don't repair your brakes right away should you make your horn louder?

How many turtles does it take to make one can of turtle wax?

Why are jeans so hard to fit into?

What do little birdies see if they get knocked unconscious?

Why aren't there seat belts in buses and taxicabs?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why do they call it the department of interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why is yawning contagious?

Why do we sing Take Me Out To the Ball Game if we are already there?

Why do we buy a product that takes 2000 flushes to get rid of?

If taught, do gorillas really understand sign language?

Why is toilet paper scented?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why don't penguins in Antarctica ever get frostbite?

Do boxer shorts box?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

Why does soda taste better in a small bottle than in a large bottle or in a can?

If a mute swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?

What do you do when you see an endangered animal that is eating an endangered plant?

If you have an open mind is there a chance your brain might fall out?

Is there another word for synonym?

Why does X stand for kiss and O stand for hugs?

Where does the lost sock in the washer and dryer go?

Does fuzzy logic tickle?

Why do bananas grow upward and all other fruits grow downward?

Where do swear words come from?

Why doesn't onomatopoeia sound like what it is?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?

Why do psychics have to ask for your name?

If the speed of light is 186,000 miles per second, what is the speed of dark?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

How do they get the cream in the Twinkie?

Why do corn flakes and Sugar frosted flakes have the save number of calories per serving?

Why does slow down and slow up mean the same thing?

What does the Q in Q-tip stand for?

Why are elections held on Tuesdays?

Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them would they still grow? Only to be troubled and insecure?

What happens when none of your bees wax?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injection?

Do little angels have car seats in their chariots in heaven?

What's another word for thesaurus?

Why are school buses painted yellow?

Why is the fear of long words called hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia?

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

If WalMart is lowering prices daily, how come nothing in the store is free yet?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is abbreviation such a long word?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why do we call it a hamburger when it is made from beef?

How can there be multiple Final Fantasies?

Why are the songs that get stuck in my head always little kid songs?

How can someone be dirt poor, and another be filthy rich?

If you're an atheist and swear on the bible, have you committed perjury?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why is a boxing ring square?

If you spin an oriental man, does he become disoriented?

When someone says "You know what they say..." Who are they?

Why is Greenland white?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why is it when you get from here to there, you're still here and not there?

If something was miss-spelled in a dictionary how would we know?

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread.

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

Is Santa so jolly because he knows where all the bad girls live?

Why does belly button lint not match your shirt color?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If a penny costs 2.3 cents to make, why is it still only worth a penny?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

How do they get the ship in the bottle?

Where do all the missing socks go?

Why are a goose and his wife called geese, but a moose and his wife aren't called meese?

How come the idiot is always in charge?

In the wintertime, why don't entire clouds freeze and fall to the ground?

What is the definition of "is"?

If horrific is akin to horrible, why isn't terrific akin to terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?

If air travel is so safe, why do they call it a "terminal"?

If Cheese is made of milk why is it yellow?

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Why are aliens always green?

If yesterday was today, then wouldn't today be yesterday?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

Is atheism a non-prophet organization?

What does Geronimo yell when he jumps out of a plane?

Father Murphy goes into a local bar in Dublin and approaches the first man he sees.

"Do you want to go to Heaven?" he asks and the man says, "Indeed I do, Father." "Then for God's sake," commands the priest, "leave this pub right now."

He then goes to the next man, "Do you want to go to Heaven, my son?" And the man answers, "Yes Father, indeed I want to do that very thing." "Then ye must get out of this pub right now!" orders the priest.

Father Murphy continues this throughout the pub until he comes to the last man.

"Do you want to go to Heaven, man?!" exhorts the priest.

The man looks at his half-full beer, turns, looks at Father Murphy and says, "No, I don't,Father."

"You mean to tell me, young man, that when you die, you don't want to go to Heaven?" asks the priest incredulously.

"Oh, well, when I die, yes Father, I certainly do. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now!"

An explorer in the deepest Amazon suddenly finds himself surrounded by a bloodthirsty group of natives.

Upon surveying his situation, he says quietly to himself, "I'm screwed."

There is a ray of light from the sky and a voice booms out:

"No you are NOT screwed. Pick up that stone in front of you and bash the head of the chief."

So the explorer picks up the stone and proceeds to bash in the head of the chief. He is breathing heavily while standing above the lifeless body.

Surrounding him are the 100 native warriors with a look of shock on their faces.

The voice booms out again: "Okay....... NOW you're screwed!"

I thought it was from spitting on them.

A young fellow at the state fair stood watching an old
Indian.
Above the old Indian was a sign that read, -$5.00 - If
I can't tell you where you're from,
I'll pay you $50.00!"

The young man watched a cowboy approach the Indian
and ask, "Is the sign right?"
The Indian says, "yes."
The cowboy hands him a five and says, "you're on!"
The Indian looks the cowboy up and down, noticing some
cow dung on his boots and flatly states, "you're from
Wyoming."
The cowboy shakes his head and says, "I'll be darned!
You're right!" and strolls away.

A second cowboy approaches the Indian and goes through
the same routine. Handing him the fiver, he stands and
watches as the Indian looks him up and down and notices
a bit of straw and cow dung on his boots.
The Indian says, "you're from
Montana!"
The cowboy, dejected as all get out, walks away.

The young man decides he's going to give the Indian a run
for the money. He goes into the men's room, takes his boots
off, scrubs them up, dries them off, puts on a coat of polish
and approaches the Indian. He hands the Indian a five dollar
bill and says, "do your stuff!"
The Indian looks and looks, up and down, and appears to be
befuddled. The young man is now thinking he's gone one up on
the Indian.The Indian says, "You're from
New Zealand!"

The young man gets really upset and can't for the life of him figure
out
how the Indian could know that, so he asks, "How in the world did you
know
I'm from New Zealand?"
The Indian replies,
"by the wool on your zipper.

An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night. The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replies, "That would be my wife."

Funny. It's a pretty long list which provided at least 20 minutes of entertainment.

Please read to the end before taking offense!!

A business man got on an elevator in a building. When he entered
the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she greeted
him by saying "T-G-I-F"
He smiled at her and replied "S-H-I-T"
She looked at him, puzzled, and said "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering "S-H-I-T".
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest
smile and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a
quizzical expression, "S-H-I-T".
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she
said, "T-G-I-F, T-hank G-oodness I-ts F-riday; get it?"
The man answered, "S-orry H-oney, I-t's T-hursday".

My husband is a lying cheat. He tells me he loves me, but he
has cheated our entire marriage. He is a good provider
and has many friends and supporters but they know he's a
lying cheat they only avoid the issues.

He is a very hard worker but many of his coworkers are leery
of him. Every time he gets caught he first denies it
all, then he admits that he was wrong and begs me to forgive
him. This has been going on for so long, everyone
in town knows he is a cheat. I don't know what to do.

Signed: Frustrated

Dear Frustrated:

Why don't you move to New York and run for the Senate!

Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help.

When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbors' daughter. I'm 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbors' daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I'd leave him. To make matters worse, he was asked to leave his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,

Sheila

~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it's clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires.

If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. Mainly have your air filters cleaned or replaced.

I hope this helps with your problem.

Walter

I have a new bumper sticker:

HE WILL EVENTUALLY AGREE WITH YOU SOMEDAY
VOTE WILLARD ROMNEY 2012

A banker saw his old friend Tom, an eighty-year old rancher, in town. Tom
had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying
a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the
rumor was true. Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the
age of his new bride to be. Tom proudly said, "She'll be twenty-one in
November."

Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual
appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man.
Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully
suggested that Tom should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on
the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Tom thought this was a
good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again. "How's the
new wife?", asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, "Good - She's pregnant."

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, "And
how's the hired hand?"

Without hesitating, Tom said, "She's pregnant too."

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where
they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their
travel schedules. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida
on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room,
so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally
left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his
error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from
her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory
following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives
and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and
fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the
floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Arrived
Date: October 16, 2005
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now
and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just
arrived and have been checked in. I've seen that everything has been
prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then!!!!
Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is freaking hot down here!!!!

A judge working a double-homicide case tells the defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”

“You bastard!” yells a voice from the back of the courtroom.

“You’re also charged with killing your mother-in-law with a hammer,” says the judge.

“Bastard!” the same person yells.

The judge addresses the man sitting in the back of the courtroom.“Sir, one more outburst and I’ll charge you with contempt.”

“I’m sorry, Your Honor,” says the man. “But I’ve been this bastard’s neighbor for 10 years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”

>
> A truly touching story....
>
> I'm not the best looking guy; some would say I'm a little frayed around the edges these days.
>
> But, I have a nice bike, a little money, and I spend most of my time casually riding from place to place.
>
> I met a nice-looking girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us.
>
> She did this cute little dance, then immediately dropped to her knees and lay on the grass at my feet.
>
> As we lay making love, I thought, "Damn, these Taser guns are really worth the money!"

A police motorcycle cop stops a driver for running a red light. The driver
is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer,
demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo!

So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist
instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual
orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for.

The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole!"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record and he is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks;
"Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"

Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.

How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client?

A man was walking into the hospital for a routine
examination the other day. Just as he reached the main
entrance, another man, who had just exited the hospital,
keeled over on the sidewalk. The first man ran towards the
second and noticed that he was obviously dead.

The man rushed into the hospital, grabbed the first doctor
that he could find, and screamed, "Doctor, Doctor!! A man
just walked out of the hospital and dropped dead on the
sidewalk!! What should I do?"

The doctor thought about this dilemma for a few moments,
then suggested, "Spin him around. Make it look like he was
coming in."

Women:

A wife was not at home for a whole night. So she tells her husband,
the very next morning, that she stayed at her girlfriend's apartment
over night. So the husband calls 10 of her best girlfriends and none
of them confirm that.

Men:

A husband was not at home for a whole night. So he tells his wife the
very next morning, that he stayed at his friend's apartment over
night. So the wife calls 10 of his best friends and 5 of them confirm
that he stayed at their apartments that night and another 5 are
claiming that he is still with them.

I had to think about that one for a minute!

Confusius say: "man who run behind car get exhausted"..."man who run in front of car get tired"

Here's a side splitter, too.

Secretary of Housing and Urban Development Shuan Donovan and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton have both spoken out in support of gay rights in the past, but Obama has remained committed to his position that his views are "evolving."

Biden said he can’t speak to the choices the president will make but that both he and Obama have evolved in their position on gay marriage.

A tourist walks into a curio shop in San Francisco. Looking around at the exotica, he notices a very lifelike life-sized bronze statue of a rat. It has no price tag, but is so striking he decides he must have it. He takes it to the owner: "How much for the bronze rat?" "$12 for the rat, $100 for the story," says the owner. The tourist gives the man $12. "I'll just take the rat, you can keep the story." As he walks down the street carrying his bronze rat, he notices that a few real rats have crawled out of the alleys and sewers and begun following him down the street. This is disconcerting, and he begins walking faster. But within a couple of blocks, the herd of rats behind him has grown to hundreds, and they begin squealing. He begins to trot toward the Bay, looking around to see that the rats now number in the MILLIONS, and are squealing and coming toward him faster and faster. Concerned, even scared, he runs to the edge of the Bay, and throws the bronze rat as far out into the water as he can. Amazingly, the millions of rats all jump into the Bay after it, and are all drowned. The man walks back to the curio shop. "Ah ha," says the owner, "you have come back for the story?" "No," says the man, "I came back to see if you have a bronze Republican."

So I was driving in Georgia the other day and I got a flat tire.
Checking my spare, I found that it too was flat. My only option was to flag down a passing motorist and get a ride to the next town.
The first vehicle to stop was an old man in a van. He yelled out the window, Need a lift?"
"Yes, I sure do," I replied.
"You a Democrat or Republican,?" asked the old man.
"Democrat," I replied.
"Well, you can just go to Hell," yelled the old man as he sped off.
Another guy stopped, rolled down the window, and asked me the same question.
Again, I gave the same answer, "Democrat." The driver gave me the finger and drove off.
I thought it over and decided that maybe I should change my strategy, since this area seemed to be overly political and there appeared to be few Democrats.
The next car to stop was a red convertible driven by a beautiful blonde.
She smiled seductively and asked if I was a Democrat or Republican.
"Republican!" I shouted.
"Hop in!" replied the blonde.
Driving down the road, I couldn't help but stare at this gorgeous woman in the seat next to me, the wind blowing through her hair, perfect breasts, and a short skirt that continued to ride higher and higher up her thighs.
Finally, I yelled, "Please stop the car." She immediately slammed on the brakes and as soon as the car stopped, I jumped out. "What's the matter?" she asked.
"I can't take it anymore," I replied. "I've only been a Republican for five minutes and, already, I want to screw somebody."

I heard that someone fixed the VA.

A Republican finds a lamp. Thinking he could make a few quick bucks by selling the lamp, he begins to rub the dirt from its surface. From the lamp, a genie appears:
The genie says: "Thank you for freeing me from the lamp. For this deed, I will grant you one wish."
The Republican thinks about it and says "I want to be powerful, have every one I know give me money and favors, and never have to work a day in my life."
The genie responds "Your wish is granted" and turns the Republican into Willard Romney.

Willard would be a funny name for a US President.

I stayed in a hotel last weekend and there was a chess convention going on. They all stood in reception bragging about how good they were at chess, it really did my head in...

I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.

BEST LAWYER / INSURANCE STORY OF THE YEAR, DECADE, AND POSSIBLY THE CENTURY.

This took place in Charlotte, North Carolina. A lawyer purchased a box of very rare and expensive cigars, then insured them against, among other things, fire.

Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of these great cigars, the lawyer filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the lawyer stated the cigars were lost 'in a series of small fires.'

The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason, that the man had consumed the cigars in the normal fashion.

The lawyer sued and WON! (Stay with me.)

Delivering the ruling, the judge agreed with the insurance company that the claim was frivolous.

The judge stated nevertheless, that the lawyer held a policy from the company, in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable and also guaranteed that it would insure them against fire, without defining what is considered to be unacceptable 'fire' and was obligated to pay the claim.

Rather than endure alengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the ruling and paid $15,000 to the lawyer for his loss of the cigars that perished in the 'fires'.

NOW FOR THE BEST PART...

After the lawyer cashed the check, the insurance company had him arrested on 24 counts of ARSON!!!

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used against him, the lawyer was convicted of intentionally burning his insured property and was sentenced to 24 months in jail and a $24,000 fine.

This true story won First Place in last year's Criminal Lawyers Award contest.

PS: Spera says "I didn't check if this was a hoax or not, I just felt like sharing this with the POI crowd"

The foregoing urban legend was memorialized in a song sung by Brad Paisley. "The Cigar Song" is available on youtube. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BoBmCl-q_54

HA HA

And this funny somehow?

It's indeed a false urban legend. Details at http://www.snopes.com/crime/clever/cigarson.asp

The genie responds "Your wish is granted" and turns the Republican into Willard Romney.
And this funny somehow?

This is as funny as idiots telling idiotic stories about morons spitting on the presidents stamp.
There are humorist jokes and there are stupid humorist political jokes and I can reply to any political "joke" that I do not like and my list is many.

I'm going to go ahead a bring us back to my favorite link.

http://www.poi-factory.com/node/28855

I believe everyone on the site understands that this is a particularly heavy U.S. election year.

With that in mind I ask that you please consider your posts and responses carefully.

Are they polite?

Are you posting in frustration or anger over another post?

I do not want to be placed in a position of having to decide what is funny and what isn't.

You don't want me in that position.

Having worked previously as a Child Support Enforcement Specialist, I am, by training, humor-impaired. It was a job requirement (they also screened against people with souls for that matter).

I bring this up only to make these points:

1) We are all adults and should act accordingly being respectful of others both online and off.

2) If I am forced to decide what is humorous and what isn't the joke thread will be reduced to allowing only second grade level "knock knock" jokes.

3) I am used to people not liking me simply for enforcing rules, regulations and guidelines so I am not afraid to follow through on my "knock knock" threat!

Seriously though, lets keep it light and friendly.

We are a community of GPS enthusiasts, please keep the well being of our community in mind when you are considering posting.

Thanks!

~Angela

And I hope I never made your list of bad people

Now for those who did, or might, here are some ideas. These are apparently real quotes from actual performance evaluations:

1. Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

2. I would not allow this employee to breed.

3. This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be.

4. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

5. When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.

6. He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.

7. This young lady has delusions of adequacy.

8. He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

9. This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

10. This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better.

11. Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.

12. A 'gross' ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

13. He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.

14. I would like to go hunting with him sometime.

15. He's been working with glue too much.

16. He would argue with a signpost.

17. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.

18. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.

19. If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.

20. A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.

21. A prime candidate for natural de-selection.

22. Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.

23. Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.

24. Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

25. If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week.

26. If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.

27. If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean.

28. It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm.

29. One neuron short of a synapse.

30. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

31. Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

32. The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.

I don't like personal attacks.

My father in law used to say "It isn't funny unless we can all laugh". As I get older, I have come to appreciate the wisdom of his statement.

How about a joke about smart things students say on tests or a joke about smart things to say during an interview. If you can make a joke about wise people doing wise things, we can declare that joke the joke to end all jokes and never try another.

Spokybob was making fun of imaginary people, not a politician or 50% of the population.

Can't we all get along and respect politicians and voters like we did under Reagan and the Bushes?