Factory Joke Thread - May 2012

Michael was feeling ill at work, and left after
lunch to go home. He walked into the house and
found his wife Sandra in the arms of another
man.

He started to yell at the interloper, "What
right have you got to be making love to my wife?"

The man answered calmly, "You may as well know
that I am in love with Sandra and I would like
to marry her. I understand you're a gambler.
Why don't you be a good sport and sit down and
play a game of gin rummy with me? If I lose,
I'll never see her again; if you lose, you must
agree to divorce her.... Okay?"

"Okay," replied Michael, "but just to make
it a little more interesting, why don't we play
for a dollar a point?"

A good story! For anybody who's had some tests at the doctor'soffice lately... Your Duck is Dead-- A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laidher pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened tothe bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'msorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away." The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?""Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet.. "How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done anytesting on him or anything.He might just be in a coma or something." The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned afew minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's ownerlooked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his frontpaws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A fewminutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table andalso delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back onits haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of theroom. The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this ismost definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced abill, which he handed to the woman..The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!" The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, thebill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it'snow $150."

Singer tells a fan "did you know that my voice is insured for a million dollars.

Fan responds "what did you do with the money?"

A PLANE IS ON ITS WAY TO CHICAGO WHEN A BLONDE IN ECONOMY CLASS GETS UP, AND MOVES TO THE FIRST CLASS SECTION AND SITS DOWN.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS, AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS, AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO CHICAGO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY, AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO CHICAGO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN, WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT
ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER, FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO CHICAGO ".

An elderly Lady called 999 on her mobile phone to report that her car has been broken into.

She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the operator:

"They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The operator said, "Stay calm An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the Officer radios in. "Disregard.." He says, "She got in the back-seat by mistake.."

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when
she hollers out.

Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!"

Pa replies, "There ain't nuthin wrong with
the outhouse."

Ma yells back, "Yes there is, now git out there
and fix it."

So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around
and yells back, "Ma! There ain't nuthin wrong
with the outhouse!"

Ma replies, "Stick yur head in the hole!"

Pa yells back, "I ain't stickin my head in
that hole!"

Ma says, "Ya have to stick yur head in the
hole to see what to fix."

So with that, Pa sticks his head in the hole,
looks around and yells back, "Ma! There ain't
nuthin wrong with this outhouse!"

Ma hollers back, "Now take your head out of
the hole!" Pa proceeds to pull his head out of
the hole, then starts yelling, "Ma! Help! My
beard is stuck in the cracks in the toilet seat!"

To which Ma replies, "Hurt's, don't it ?!"

With the help of a fertility specialist, a
65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives
come to visit and meet the newest member of their
family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65
year old mother says "not yet." A little later
they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother
says "not yet." Finally they say, "When can we
see the baby?" And the mother says, "When the
baby cries." And they ask, "Why do we have to
wait until the baby cries?" The new mother says,
"because I forgot where I put it."

Good One!!!

A piece of string walks into a bar and aks the bartender for a beer. The Bartender says "I'm sorry, we don't serve string here". The piece of stings gets mad, and leaves the bar. The string bumps into a friend of his, and tells him the story. The friend says "no problem, and ties the sting into a bow, ruffles the ends, and puts a pair of sunglasses on him, then tells the piece of string to go back to the bar. The piece of string goes back into the bar and orders a beer. The bartender pours a draft and says, "Hey, aren't you that piece of string that was just in here?" The piece of string says, "No, I'm afraid not!"

The car won't start," said a wife to her husband. "I think there's water in the carburettor."

"How do you know?" said the husband scornfully. "You don't even know what the carburettor is."

"I'm telling you," repeated the wife, "I'm sure there's water in the carburettor."

"We'll see," mocked the husband. "Let me check it out. Where's the car?"

"It's in the swimming pool."

If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
- Mark Twain

Letter from an Alabama FARM KID in Marines (NOW AT San Diego MARINE CORPS RECRUIT TRAINING )

Dear Ma and Pa,

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.

I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Practically nothing.

Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.

Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.

We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.

The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.

This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.

Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake . I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.

Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,

Alice

A frayed knot... Ouch, took me long 'nuff !

I wonder if I was the only one...

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job!"

The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a Chauffeur and bodyguard......for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2011 Mercedes-Benz CL550 and he will supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips....
And this is rather awkward to say, but you will also have to, as part of your job assignment, satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20s and has a rather strong sex drive."

The guy, wide-eyed, said, "You're bulls#!++in' me!"

The social worker said, "Yeah, well ...... You started it."

The missionary decided to attempt to teach the natives how to speak English as it would be easier for him to preach to them, so he takes the chief for a walk in the forest.

He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."
The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."
The missionary is pleased with the response. They walk a little farther and the missionary points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."
Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, "Rock."

The missionary is really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears a rustling in the bushes. As he and the chief peek over the top, he sees a couple making out. The missionary is really flustered and quickly says, "Riding a bike."

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them both. The missionary yells at the chief that he has spent years teaching the tribe how to be civilized and kind to each other, so how could he just kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief frowns and says, "My bike!"

Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.

When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away "I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million."

Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother.

Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'

This is NOT what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.

BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.