Factory Joke Thread - May 2012

That's the funniest thing I've read in a long time!

Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a 'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord and how good He is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't honked, I'd never have noticed.

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy, and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! ;
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me.

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,
Love, Grandma

An older couple had a son, who was still living with them. The parents
were a little worried, as the son was still unable to decide about his
future career, so they decided to do a small test.

They took a ten-dollar bill, a bible, and a bottle of whiskey, and put
them on the front hall table... then they hid, pretending they were not
at home.

The father's plan was: "If our son takes the money, he will be a
businessman, if he takes the bible, he will be a priest, but if he takes
the bottle of whiskey, I'm afraid our son will be a drunkard."

So the parents hid in the nearby closet and waited nervously. Peeping
through the keyhole they saw their son arrive. The son saw the note they
had left.

Then, he took the 10-dollar bill, looked at it against the light, and
slid it in his pocket.

After that, he took the bible, flicked through it, and took it.

Finally he grabbed the bottle, opened it, and took an appreciative
whiff to be assured of the quality ...then he left for his room,
carrying all three items.

The father slapped his forehead, and said: "Darn, it's even worse than
I could ever have imagined.. " "Our son is going to be a politician!"

Once upon a time, in the Christmas Tree Forest there lived the Christmas
fairies. They spent most of their time practising sitting on top of the
Christmas trees. There was just one rule they had to stick to... it was
strictly forbidden for a fairy to kiss anyone!

The trouble was that Floella was a wicked little fairy.

One day Harry the Hare was hopping through the forest when he saw
Floella sitting on top of a toadstool, combing her hair. Floella said,
'Hello, handsome, give us a kiss!'

Harry the Hare was shocked. 'Father Christmas doesn't allow it!' he
gasped. 'Anyone caught kissing a fairy will be turned straight away into
Goon!'

But Floella tickled his ears - just the way hares love and whispered,
'Don't worry, we won't get caught!'

Harry the Hare trembled with fear and excitement. He looked carefully
over his furry brown shoulder, saw that no-one was looking... and kissed
Floella the fairy!

Suddenly there was a FLASH, a CRASH and a mighty WHOOSH!!! of wind.
Through the magic of the Christmas Tree Forest Harry the Hare found
himself in the court of Father Christmas!

And Father Christmas was furious! 'Harry the Hare! You have been found
guilty of kissing a forest fairy! Have you anything to say?'

'I never meant to!' Harry the Hare snivelled. 'If you let me off I
promise I'll never do it again... just please, please!!! PLEASE!!! don't
turn me into a Goon!'

Father Christmas took pity on the pathetic creature and said, 'I'll
give you one more chance...just one more!'

Suddenly there was a FLASH, a CRASH and a mighty WHOOSH!! of wind.
Harry the Hare found himself back in the forest. And there, combing her
hair on a toadstool was Floella the Fairy.

'Hiya, handsome,' she whispered. 'Give us a kiss!'

Harry the Hare was horrified! Certainly not!' he cried. But when she
tickled his ears his legs turned to jelly and he started to tremble.
'Oooh! No! I'll be turned into a Goon! 'For one little kiss from me it's
worth it!' Floella murmured. And Harry the Hare gave in. He kissed the
fairy.

Suddenly there was a FLASH, a CRASH and a mighty WHOOSH!!! of wind.
Once again Harry the Hare found himself in front of the furious Father
Christmas!

'You foolish hare!' Father Christmas roared. 'You have had your chance!
Guards! Take him away - turn him into a Goon tomorrow!'

Harry the Hare hung his head and let himself be led away. As he reached
the door of the court he turned to all the gnomes and forest creatures
and said tearfully... 'Ah, well, that's life! Hare today...and Goon
tomorrow!'

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but
legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most
frightening experience he had ever had.

The old explorer said, "Once I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles
of India. I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gunbearer was
behind me. Suddenly the largest tiger I have ever seen leaped onto the
path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find the native
had fled. The tiger leapt toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled
myself."

The reporter said, "Under those circumstances anyone would have done
the same."

The old explorer said, "No, not then - just now when I went 'ROARRRR!'"

Cooking made simple!

Gracie Allen's Classic Recipe for Roast Beef

1 large Roast of beef
1 small Roast of beef

Take the two roasts and put them in the oven.

When the little one burns, the big one is done.

I had to think about it for a minute, but then I got it!

I hope this poem has the same effect on you as it did on me.

Walk With Me by the Water
well worth the read...

A BEAUTIFUL POEM ABOUT GROWING OLDER:

Shit...
I forgot the words.

I emailed this to all my sisters.

Bill worked in a pickle factory.

He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

The first time I saw 'Star Wars' I thought Chewbacca was a bear.

Wookie mistake.

A blonde was shopping at Target and
came across a shiny silver thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up
and took it to the clerk to ask what it was.

The clerk said, 'Why, that's a thermos...
It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold.'

'Wow, said the blonde, that's amazing... I'm going to buy it!'
So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

Her boss saw it on her desk. 'What's that,' he asked?

'Why, that's a thermos. It keeps hot things hot
and cold things cold,' she replied.

Her boss inquired, 'What do you have in it?'

The blond replied...'Two popsicles and some coffee.'

Good One!!!!

A man goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish
sausage."

The clerk looks at him and says, "You must be Polish"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you
something."

" If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was
Italian?"

"Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was
German?"

" Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was
Jewish?"

"Or if I had asked for a taco would you ask if I was Mexican? Would ya,
huh? Would ya?"

The clerk says, "Well, no."

"And If I'd asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was
Irish?"

" Well, I probably wouldn't."

"Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish just because I
ask for Polish sausage?"

The clerk replies, "Because you're at Home Depot."

Alabama: Yes, We Have Electricity

Alaska: 11,623 Eskimos Can't Be Wrong!

Arizona: But It's A Dry Heat

Arkansas: Literacy Ain't Everything

California: By 30, Our Women Have More Plastic Than Your Honda

Colorado: If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother

Connecticut: Like Massachusetts, Only The Kennedys Don't Own It Yet

Delaware: We Really Do Like The Chemicals In Our Water

Florida: Ask Us About Our Grandkids

Georgia: We Put The "Fun" In Fundamentalist Extremism

Hawaii: Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru (Death To Mainland Scum, But
Leave Your Money)

Idaho: More Than Just Potatoes. Well Okay, Not Really, But The Potatoes
Sure Are Real Good

Illinois: Please Don't Pronounce the "S"

Indiana: 2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free

Iowa: We Do Amazing Things With Corn

Kansas: First Of The Rectangle States

Kentucky: Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names

Louisiana: We're Not ALL Drunk Cajun Wackos, But That's Our Tourism
Campaign

Maine: We're Really Cold, But We Have Cheap Lobster

Maryland: If You Can Dream It, We Can Tax It

Massachusetts: Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's (For Most Tax
Brackets)

Michigan: First Line Of Defense From The Canadians

Minnesota: 10,000 Lakes And 10,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes

Mississippi: Come And Feel Better About Your Own State

Missouri: Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars At Work

Montana: Land Of The Big Sky, The Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, And
Very Little Else

Nebraska: Ask About Our State Motto Contest

Nevada: Whores and Poker!

New Hampshire: Go Away And Leave Us Alone

New Jersey: You Want A ##$%##! Motto? I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right
Here!

New Mexico: Lizards Make Excellent Pets

New York: You Have The Right To Remain Silent, You Have The Right To An

Attorney

North Carolina: Tobacco Is A Vegetable

North Dakota: We Really Are One Of The 50 States!

Ohio: At Least We're Not Michigan

Oklahoma: Like The Play, Only No Singing

Oregon: Spotted Owl - It's What's For Dinner

Pennsylvania: Cook With Coal

Rhode Island: We're Not REALLY An Island

South Carolina: Remember The Civil War? We Didn't Actually Surrender

South Dakota: Closer Than North Dakota

Tennessee: The Educashun State

Texas: Si' Hablo Ing'les (Yes, I Speak English)

Utah: Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus

Vermont: Yep

Virginia: Who Says Government Stiffs And Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?

Washington: Help! We're Overrun By Nerds And Slackers!

Washington, D.C.: Wanna Be Mayor?

West Virginia: One Big Happy Family - Really!

Wisconsin: Come Cut The Cheese

Wyoming: Where Men Are Men (And The Sheep Are Scared)

A guy in a bar was about as drunk as it's possible to get.
A group of guys notice his condition and decided to be good Samaritans and take him home.
First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down.
They finally get his address from his wallet. He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.
After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door.
His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home."
His wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"

The shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read "Best Deals!".

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on the other side and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading "Lowest Prices!".

The shopkeeper was panicked, until he had a wonderful idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop. It read, "Main Entrance".

The people who are trying to make the world worse are not taking the day off, why should you?

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate
with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an
Economics degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with a Liberal
Arts degree asks, "Would you like fries with that?"

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.

"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"

Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about $50?"

The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.

The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"

"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded.

The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."

A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money.

"You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.

"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."

Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her along with a $10 tip.

"Thank you," the blonde said, "And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house.

A little later she came out of her house again went to the mail box and again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'

To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'

(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)

'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

OK

It is with saddest heart that I pass on the following news. Please join
me
in remembering a great icon of the entertainment community.

The Pillsbury Doughboy died yesterday of a yeast infection, and
complications from repeated pokes in the belly. He was 71.

Doughboy is survived by his wife, Play Dough, two children, John Dough
and
Jane Dough, who has a bun in the oven. He is also survived by his
elderly
father, Pop Tart.

Doughboy was buried in a lightly greased coffin. Dozens of celebrities

turned out to pay their respects, including Mrs. Butterworth, Hungry
Jack,
The California Raisins, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies and Captain

Crunch. The grave site was piled high with flours.

Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, and lovingly described Doughboy as a
man
who never knew how much he was kneaded. Doughboy rose quickly in show
business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not
considered a very smart "cookie", wasting much of his dough on
half-baked
schemes.

Despite being a little flaky at times, he still, as a crusty old man,
was
considered a roll model for millions.

The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes

A terrific explosion occurs in a gunpowder factory,
and once all the mess has been cleared up, and
inquiry begins.

One of the few survivors is pulled up to make
a statement. "Okay Simpson," says the investigator,
"you were near the scene, what happened?"

"Well, it's like this. Old Charley Higgins
was in the mixing room, and I saw him take a
cigarette out of his pocket and light up."

"He was smoking in the mixing room?" the investigator
said in stunned horror, "How long had he been
with the company?"

"About 20 years, sir"

"20 years in the company, then he goes and
strikes a match in the mixing room, I'd have thought
it would have been the last thing he'd have done."

"It was, sir."

Last night, my wife and I were sitting in the living room and I said to her,
"I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and
fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug."

She got up, unplugged the TV, and then threw out my beer. She can be such a
bitch sometimes

are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel across the road.

The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.

"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.
"Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"

No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, knocks, and goes inside.
"Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid hats!"

They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the rabbi
when they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
"Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman.
"One of the girls must have died.”

TEXAS BEER JOINT SUES CHURCH over LIGHTNING STRIKE !

Texas Beer Joint Sues Church In Mt. Vernon, Texas, Drummond's Bar
began construction on expansion of their building to increase their
business.

In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the
bar from expanding with petitions and prayers. Work progressed right
up until the week before the grand reopening when lightning struck the
bar and it burned to the ground!

After the bar burning to the ground by a lightning strike, the church
folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of
prayer ", until the bar owner sued the church on the grounds that the
church . . ."was ultimately responsible for the demise of his building,
either through direct or indirect actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently denied all
responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's
reply, and at the opening hearing he commented "I don't know how I'm
going to decide this, but it appears from the paperwork that we have a
bar owner who believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church
congregation that now does not."

True Story.

Started reading a book about anti-gravity. Now I can't put it down.

The story isn't supposed to be read as relating something that happened in real life; it's a modern day admonition to churchgoers not to allow transient secular needs to get in the way of their faith. What a person believes or will stand up for shouldn't change because there's a monetary factor involved; otherwise, it's not true belief. As the fictional judge points out, there is something untoward about a congregation so willing to put worldly matters first that it denies it believes in prayer.

While the tale is an exaggeration of its underlying moral, that overstatement is a way of prompting folks to measure the contents of their hearts against those of the fictional congregation to see if they themselves aren't at times engaging in a bit of religious distancing. Do they set aside their faith, and their pride in it, when faith becomes inconvenient? Or do they stand up for their beliefs and proudly proclaim them, even when doing so is to their disadvantage, financial or otherwise?

Barbara "standing order" Mikkelson

Mark Twain said that explaining a joke is like dissecting a frog: you understand it better, but the frog dies in the process.

Personally, I don't see why anyone would want to cut up a frog when you can fry it whole!

were sitting around talking one afternoon over a cold beer after getting off of work at the local chicken plant.

After a while the 1st guy says to the 2nd, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The 2nd guy crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't really know about kin, but it would make us even!"

During a recent password audit, it was found that a blonde was using the following password:

“MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyWashington”

When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.

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How stupid is that... Everybody knows that Washington is not a capital, right ?

Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
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Any answer other than bottom is not acceptable.

What do you call a fish with no eyes
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Fsh

yipee for canada

I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It does more than the normal one
My Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
On exactly how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour" it says
"And you're doing thirty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
It lists those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house
Makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!

(Not mine)

a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her
Students
Teacher : "Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how
Would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael : "Just a minute I have to go pee."
Teacher : "That would be rude and impolite."
Teacher : "What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter : "I truly am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back."
Teacher : "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the
Dinner table."
Teacher : "And you, Little Johnny , can you use your brains for once and show us your
Good manners?"
Little Johnny : "Darling, may I please be excused for a brief moment? I have to shake
Hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I am hoping you will get to meet after
Dinner."
The teacher fainted........

You misspelled Democrat!

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on'.
The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again.
She replied, 'Your horse phoned'.

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
'Who are you?' he asked him.
'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.
'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.
'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.
'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'.

Good One!!!

Everyone in the room broke up over this one ...

THese are all too good to pass up.

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
________________________________
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."

TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
___________________________________
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this...I've got the little Fokker in sight."
___________________________________
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"

Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
________________________

A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted:

"American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
__________________________________

A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:

Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"

Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."

Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany . Why must I speak English?"

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"
___________________________________

Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"

Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."

Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7.. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"

Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
_____________________________
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"

The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."
___________________________________

The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.

Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206! clear of active runway."

Ground: "Speedbird 206.. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."

The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.

Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"

Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."

Ground (with quite arrogant impatience) : "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"

Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."
__________________________________
While taxiing at London 's Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.

An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking:

"Wasn't I married to you once?"

A curious fellow died one day and found himself waiting in a long, long

line for judgment. As he stood there he noticed that some souls were
allowed to march right through the Gates of Heaven; others, though,
were
led over to Satan, who threw them into a burning pit of fire.

Every so often, instead of hurling a poor soul into the fire, Satan
would
toss him (or her) to one side. After watching Satan do this several
times,
the fellow's curiosity got the better of him and he strolled over and
tapped Satan on the shoulder.

"Excuse me, there, Prince of Darkness," he said. "I'm waiting in line
for
judgment, but I couldn't help wondering why you are tossing those
people
aside instead of flinging them into the fires of hell with the others?"

"Ah", Satan said with a grin. "They are people from Seattle; they're
still
too wet to burn!"

--

A man walks into the dentist's office and after the dentist examines
him,
the dentist says, "That tooth has to come out. I'm going to give you a
shot
of Novocain and I'll be back in a few minutes."

The man grabs the dentist's arm, "No way! I hate needles. I'm not
having any
shot!"

So the dentist says, "Okay, we'll have to go with the gas."

The man replies, "Absolutely not! It makes me very sick for a couple of

days. I'm not having gas."

So the dentist steps out and comes back with a glass of water. "Here,"
he
says, "Take this pill."

The man asks, "What is it?"

The dentist replies, "Viagra."

The man looks surprised. "Will that kill the pain?" he asks.

"No," replies the dentist, "but it will give you something to hang on
to
while I pull your tooth!"

People get so upset when someone makes fun of a politician of "their" party. Sheesh............

I think that ALL politicians are pretty much jokes all by themselves!

Funny!

An 85 year old man visits his doctor to get a sperm count. The geezer's given a jar and told to bring back a sample. The next day he returns to the doctor with an empty jar.

"What happened?" says the doctor.

"Well," the old man starts, "I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then her left -- nothing. Then she tried with her mouth, first
with her teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called Evelyn, the lady next door, but still nothing."

The doctor bursts out, "You asked your neighbor?"

"Yep, No matter what we tried we couldn't get that damn jar open."