Factory Joke Thread – September 2021

I always admit that I'm wrong and my wife agrees with me.

Nothing wrong if you're just sleeping, when you stay awake that's when the problem starts !!!

.
They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////

Gary Hayman (LeVoyageur) http://ghayman.net/

GARY INFO:

http://bit.ly/GaryHaymanInfo

~~~~~~~~~~

MY NEW WEB PAGE PROJECT: http://bit.ly/EnjoyingCigars
ENJOYING YOUR CIGARS EVEN MORE
HOW TO SMOKE A CIGAR - BETTER

.......................

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.
'I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for n moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered - 'Is that one word or two?'

Vern Vandervort bought brand new pickup off the showroom floor of Jackrabbit Jeep back in January of 1960.

The darn thing reminded Vern so much of his wife, Velma, that he knew it was the one for him. The front of it was a dead wringer for Velma. When he lifted the hood and saw it had a Super Hurricane Six, the deal was sealed. Every time Velma opened her mouth a hurricane of insults would be hurled in his direction. He knew she’d even hate the color.

Velma was a woman to be reckoned with. He knew she’d hate the truck, making its selection even more satisfying. He had perfected the concept of ‘passive-aggressive’ before it was even given a name.

Vern would load up the truck with wooden crates full of tomatoes, peppers, onions, and corn all raised right there on his place, and head to the Piggly Wiggly on almost a daily basis during growing seasons. The fact that the truck was on the slow side was just an added benefit. The more time he could spend in the field or on the road, the less time he had to listen to Velma enumerate his inadequacies.

A stop at the Lucky Lady Lounge for a Lone Star Longneck or three on the way home was not uncommon.

One day after returning from town and parking in the cool shade of the old red barn, Velma marched over from the battered clapboard farmhouse demanding an explanation as to what had taken him so long to get back home. Bossie, Vern’s cantankerous old mule, apparently had about enough of Velma’s discourse and reared up her hind legs and kicked Vema right in the head. Killed her instantly.

Three days later, the funeral service was held over at the Fort Stockton Second Baptist Church. Brother Bob couldn’t help but notice after the service that every time one of the women would come over to offer her condolences Vern would nod his head up and down. However, when each of the men would come over and whisper words of comfort, Vern would shake his head back and forth.

As the congregation was headed down to the basement of the church for a hot-dish buffet and cat-head muffins, Brother Bob stopped Vern and asked him, “Why did you shake your head up and down to the women and back and forth to the men?”

“Well,” responded Vern, “all the ladies told me how nice Velma looked laid out in the dress I picked out for her to be buried in. All the men who stopped by asked my if the mule was for sale.”

Two men were arguing just outside the Empire State Building. The first man says to the second, “I will bet you $100 that I could go up to the top of the Empire State Building, throw my watch down, and get down to the bottom in time to catch my watch.”
The second man says, “You’re on!!”
So the first man goes up to the top of the building, throws his watch, and races back down only to find the second man standing there laughing and pointing at the broken watch on the sidewalk. The first man was quite upset and said, “Do you think you could do better?”
“Maybe,” said the second man, “I’ll give it a try for a $100.” So up the second man went to the top of the building, threw his watch down, and raced down to find the first man laughing and pointing at the broken watch smashed all over the sidewalk.
Walking, perhaps staggering, towards the two men was a drunk man who couldn’t help but overhear and witness the bet the two men were having. He says to the two men, “I’ll bet you both $100 each that I could go up to the top of that building, throw down my watch and then come out here and catch it.”
“Deal!!!” the first two men exclaimed.
So up goes the drunk man to the top of the Empire State Building, throws his watch down, and then proceeds to descend the stairs of the building. He stops off at the restaurant on the main floor orders a coffee, has a few sips, and then steps outside of the building. He sees the two men in front of him, walks towards them, reaches up a bit, and catches his watch.
The first two men were utterly shocked. The first man asked the drunk, “How the hell did you do that? There is no earthly way that should have been possible!!”
The drunk man turned to both men nearly falling over in his drunken state and explains, “It was reeeealll easy. My watch is 20 minutes slow.”

⁠

⁠

⁠

Having been driven quite mad by an invasion of ants into his apartment which is in a block of flats in Lublin, eastern Poland, Mr Marcin Bartosz, aged 74, poured gallons of insecticide into a ventilation shaft in order to rid the condominium of the pests. When this had no effect whatsoever on the ants, the senior citizen decided to throw a burning towel after them and into the shaft. The explosion that followed left Mr Bartosz with third degree burns and a stay in the local hospital. Incredibly, we have found out that none of his neighbors was in any way hurt.

Bernie, a farmer, was in a café in Shepton Mallet, Somerset, one day having lunch, when he noticed his old friend, Big Matthew. What really caught his attention was that Matthew was wearing an earring. Berjnie knew his old mate to be a very conservative fellow, tough and macho, and he was curious about his sudden change in 'fashion sense.' So he approached Big Mat and gently enquired, 'Ooo, argh, Big Mat, I didn't know you was into earrings an' that.' 'No big deal, Bernie, argh but 'tis only an earring,' Big Mat replied rather sheepishly. Bernie, the farmer, was silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity got the better of him and he demanded, 'So, Big Mat, then 'ow long have you been wearing one then?' 'Ahaaa, ever since my wife found it in the glove compartment of my lorry,' Matthew answered.

A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms.

The tirade goes on and on without the officer saying anything.

When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer says, “That’s so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole !"

Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him.

On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?"

Officer responds, “Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top."

Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?"

"Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined."

"What does the "AH" stand for, officer?"

"Aggressive and hostile, Sir."

"Aggressive and hostile?"

"Yes, Sir.

"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole?"

Well, Sir, you know your client better than I do.

How often does an attorney to convict his own client?

A friend went to Beijing recently and was given this brochure by the hotel. It is precious.
She is keeping it and reading it whenever she feels depressed.
Obviously, it has been translated directly, word for word from Mandarin to English.

Getting There:
Our representative will make you wait at the airport. The bus to the hotel runs along the lake shore.
Soon you will feel pleasure in passing water. You will know that you are getting near the hotel, because you will go round the bend. The manager will await you in the entrance hall. He always tries to have intercourse with all new guests.

The Hotel:
This is a family hotel, so children are very welcome. We of course are always pleased to accept adultery.
Highly skilled nurses are available in the evenings to put down your children. Guests are invited to conjugate in the bar and expose themselves to others. But please note that ladies are not allowed to have babies in the bar. We organize social games, so no guest is ever left alone to play with them self.

The Restaurant:
Our menus have been carefully chosen to be ordinary and unexciting. At dinner, our quartet will circulate
from table to table, and fiddle with you.

Your Room:
Every room has excellent facilities for your private parts. In winter, every room is on heat. Each room has a balcony offering views of outstanding obscenity! .. You will not be disturbed by traffic noise, since the road between the hotel and the lake is used only by pederasts.

Bed:
Your bed has been made in accordance with local tradition. If you have any other ideas please ring for the chambermaid. Please take advantage of her. She will be very pleased to squash your shirts, blouses and underwear. If asked, she will also squeeze your trousers.

Above All:
When you leave us at the end of your holiday, you will have no hope. You will struggle to forget it.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the drinks went down way too easily.
Around 3 a.m., a bit pissed, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'

When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh shit.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

An oldy but still funny !

Yup Not Bad

A man was driving down a quiet country lane when out into the road strayed a rooster. Whack! The rooster disappeared under the car in a cloud of feathers. Shaken, the man pulled over at the farmhouse and rang the doorbell. A farmer appeared. The man somewhat nervously said, "I think I killed your rooster, please allow me to replace him." "Suit yourself," the farmer replied, "the hens are round the back.

A man comes home from a night of drinking. As he falls through the doorway, his wife snaps at him, "What's the big idea coming home half drunk?" The man replies, "I'm sorry honey. I ran out of money."

Three women all die in a car crash and go to Heaven on the same day. They are waiting at the pearly gates when St. Peter arrives and greets them.

“Welcome to Heaven, ladies. There is only one rule here in Heaven: don’t step on the ducks.”

The women each look at each other with confusion. St. Peter opens the gate and sure enough, there are thousands of tiny ducks covering the ground.

The first woman goes in and lasts a week before stepping on a duck. St. Peter appears out of nowhere with the ugliest man she has ever seen and handcuffs them together.

He says, “This is your punishment for stepping on a duck. You are now stuck with this man for all eternity,” and disappears.

The second woman lasts for a month before finally stepping on a duck. The same thing happens again. St. Peter arrives with the ugliest man she has ever seen, handcuffs them together, explains what has happened and leaves.

The third woman continues to enjoy Heaven for years and years, never stepping on a duck. Suddenly, St. Peter pops up out of nowhere with the most gorgeous man she has ever seen. He handcuffs them together, and without saying a word, leaves.

The woman looks up at the man, bats her eyelashes and says, “Gee, I wonder what I did to deserve you.”

He slowly looks down at her and says, “I don’t know what you did, but I stepped on a duck.”

Good One!!

Jack is on his death bed, and he says to his wife, "Can you give me one last wish?" She says, "Anything you want." He says, "After I die, will you marry Larry?" She says, "But I thought you hated Larry." With his last breath, he says, "I do."

Mr. Geraldo says to his doctor, "Doc, I had the worst dream of my life last night. I dreamed I was with twelve of the most beautiful chorus girls in the world. Blondes, brunettes, redheads, and they were all dancing in a row." The psychiatrist says, "Now hold on, Mr. Geraldo. That doesn't sound so terrible." Mr. Geraldo says, "Oh, yeah? I was the third girl from the end."

Good One!!

What has 4 wheels and flies.....

a garbage truck.

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

..... a gummy bear!

It's a ripoff.

Boy: The principal is so dumb!

Girl: Do you know who I am?

Boy: No...

Girl: I am the principal's daughter!

Boy: Do you know who I am?

Girl: No...

Boy: Good! *Walks away*

Harf!!!!!!!! Harf!!!!!!!!!!!!

I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.
He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. "I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage.”

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?”

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no.... I was paroled."

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?"

The 92 year old was sitting at the kitchen table having coffee listening to his brothers. He shakes his head and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful." He knocks on wood for good luck. He then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."

My Doctor told me I need to lose weight, exercise and burn calories more efficiently.....I told him I just burned 2000 calories...

Should I have explained that I burned the 2000 calories because I left my food in the oven for too long?

Yoda had a last name?

It was Layheehoo.

IMMUTABLE LAWS OF LIFE

1. Law of Mechanical Repair
After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3. Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

5. Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now

6. Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

7. Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

8. Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

9. Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10. Law of the Theaters & Sports Arenas -
At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over.

11. The Coffee Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

12. Murphy's Law of Lockers
If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

13. Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy-
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!

18. Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

If you don't forward this to your friends, your belly button will unscrew and your butt will fall off. Really... It's true, I read it on the Internet!

　　Most Wanted

Little Ronnie's kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person. 'Yes,' said the policeman. 'The detectives want very badly to capture him.' Little Ronnie asked,' Why didn't you keep him when you took his picture?'

　　Shown Up - Big Time

Dylan and Charlie are talking about fishing. Charlie says emphatically, 'I am never going to take my wife fishing with me ever again, Dylan!' 'That bad, eh?' inquires Dylan smiling. 'Yeah, she did everything wrong, got nothing right. She talked too much, made the boat rock constantly, tried to stand up in the boat, baited the hook wrongly, used the wrong lures and worst of all she caught more fish than me!' bellows Charlie.

If God wanted us to vote, he would have given us candidates.
~Jay Leno~

1. When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big Boobs.
2. When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big boobs, but there was no passion. I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.
3. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency. She was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. I decided I needed a girl with stability.
4. When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided I needed a girl with some excitement.
5. When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.
She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy.
She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. I decided to find someone with some real ambition.
6. When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious lady with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.
7. I'm older and much wiser now. So, I'm looking for a woman with big boobs.

A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn’t want to pay the high prices.

After unsuccessfully haggling with one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said angrily, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!”

The shopkeeper smiled and replied, “Go ahead! Try to catch a really big one while you’re at it!”

Later that day while on his way home, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in a swamp, shotgun in hand. He stopped to look, and just then he saw an enormous alligator swimming toward the blonde.

She took aim at the alligator, and BAM! She scored a perfect bullseye, and with some effort managed to haul the alligator onto the swamp bank.

The shopkeeper suddenly noticed that several more of the dead creatures were lying around the blonde.

The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, “Damn, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”

An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant. They order one hamburger, one order of fries and one drink.

The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He places one half in front of his wife. He then carefully counts out the fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placing one pile in front of his wife. He takes a sip of the drink, his wife takes a sip and then sets the cup down between them. As he begins to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them keep looking over and whispering "That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man begins to eat his fries a young man comes to the table. He politely offers to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man replies that they''re just fine - they''re just used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sits there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man comes over and begs them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman says "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finishes and was wipes his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again comes over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asks "May I ask what is it you are waiting for?"

The old woman answers... "THE TEETH."

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1.June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2.July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3.July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4.July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5.August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6.August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7.August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8.August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10.September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11.October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12.October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13.October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14.October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but certainly not least:

15.October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1.June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2.July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3.July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4.July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5.August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6.August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7.August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8.August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10.September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11.October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12.October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13.October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14.October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but certainly not least:

15.October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

What song do they sing at Snowman birthdays

Freeze a jolly good fellow..

Well I did warn you.

Oldie but a goodie!

I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries.
Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly,
"So which six items would you like to buy?”

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?''

The mother replied, 'Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'

The child thought about this for a moment then said,

'So why is the groom wearing black?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three boys are in the schoolyard bragging about their fathers.

The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'

The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'

The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
An elderly woman died last month.

Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, 'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive, I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A police recruit was asked during the exam, 'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?'

He answered, 'Call for backup.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday School teacher asked her class why Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem.

A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a babysitter.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five- and six-year-olds.

After explaining the commandment to 'Honor thy father and thy mother,' she asked, 'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to treat our brothers and sisters?'

Without missing a beat, one little boy answered, 'Thou shall not kill.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~
At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?' Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Very good

An elderly man goes into his doctors office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says, "I'm sorry Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition which only allows you another 6 weeks to live."

"But Doctor," Bill replied, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"

After a moment the doctor said, "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa and take a mud bath every day."

Excitedly Bill asked, "And that will cure me?"

"No," replied the doctor, "but it will get you used to the dirt."

The semi-colon was sent to prison. He was given two consecutive sentences.

What do a tick and the Eiffel Tower have in common?

They're both Paris sites.

Why do seagulls fly over the ocean?

Because if they flew over the bay, we'd call them bagels.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
- Will Rogers

Bonnie married and had 13 children.

When her husband died, she married again and had 7 more children.

Again, her husband passed away. So Agnes remarried and this time had 5 more children before her third husband died as well.

Alas, she herself died eventually.

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman. “Lord, at long last, they are finally together,” he announced solemnly.

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?”

The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.”

George, the farmer, had so many children that he ran out of names. So he started calling his kids after something around the farm.

It was the first day of September an d the first day the children had gone to their new school. The teacher greeted the children and asked each child their name. When he got to one of the farmer George's sons, the boy replied, 'Wagon Wheel.' The teacher said, 'I need your real name boy, to which the lad replied, 'It's Wagon Wheel, sir....Really.' The teacher, rather annoyed rejoined, 'All right young man, take yourself right down to the Principal's office this minute.'

The youngster pushed himself out of his chair, turned to his sister and said, 'C'mon, 'Chicken Feed', he ain't gonna believe you, either.'

Just got a new car and I was trying to figure out how to work the new seat belts, then it clicked...

Good One!!