Factory Joke Thread – September 2021

A man is walking along a beach and finds a bottle. When he rubs the bottle, a genie appears and says, "I can grant you one wish." "Well," says the man, "I have never been too fond of flying, so could you make a highway from California to Hawaii?" The genie says, "Do you know how much of my power that would take?" The man says, "Okay, I have never really gotten girls, so could you make that happen?" The genie says, "You want that highway two lane or four lane?"

From Jokes for Us

Wife: The new neighbor kisses his wife every morning when he leaves for work. Why don’t you do that?

Me: I tried but she slapped me.

I was standing at the bar one night, minding my own business.

This quite hefty, very plain looking woman came up behind me, grabbed my arse and said, "You are very cute. Do you have a phone number?"

I said, "Yes, do you have a pen?"

She said, "Yes, I’ve got a pen".

I said, "Then you better get back into it before the farmer misses you."

Cost me 6 stitches...but,

When you're seventy...............who cares?

Why are your fingers the most reliable part of your body?

You can always count on them.

"Having too much sex can result in memory loss."
I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014 at 10:37 am.

What does the Chicago Cubs's name stand for?
Completely Useless By September

September is alzheimers awareness month
Did anyone else forget?

Not sure what you have heard, but it actually only rains twice a year in Seattle.
October through May, then June through September.

One day Johnny was sitting in class and had to go to the bathroom so he raised his hand to ask the teachers permission. The teacher told Johnny if he could say the alphabet he could go to the bathroom. Johnny stumbled through it and got it all wrong and had to hold it. So Johnny studied and studied and felt as though he knew the alphabet perfectly. The next day when Johnny had to use the bathroom he rose his hand to ask the teacher could he go. The teacher said if you can say the alphabet I'll let you go. So Johnny started to say the alphabet ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOQRSTUVWXYZ. The teacher then asked Johnny well where's the P, and Johnny responded it's running down my leg.

I was talking to a young woman in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there, instead of you."

Cost me a fat lip, but...

When you're seventy..............who cares?

"How did you know it was dead?" asks the teacher.

"Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move" says the boy.

"You did what!?" shrieks the teacher.

"You know" explains the boy, "I leant over and went Pssst & it didn't move!"

So Cinderella went to the ball.

She took some photos Obviously this was well before digital photos and she sent her roll of film away to be developed.

Every day she saw the postman walk by, she would bury her head in her hands and sigh "One day my prints will come".

Nice!

ARE WE THE ONES WHO ARE LOSING IT? REALLY? READ ON....THEN ANSWER!

Recently, I went to McDonald's and I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.

I asked for a half dozen nuggets.

'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter.

'You don't?' I replied.

'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply.

'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?'

'That's right'

So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets

(Unbelievable but sadly true...)

Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener and she said they didn't have any, only Splenda and sugar.

(And they think they are worth $15.00 per hour???)

That's what we get for failing to teach our children basic reading and arithmetic skills.

Bought $2.50 of produce at a stand. Handed her a $5 bill and the gal (about 16) had to use a calculator.

I went to our local bar last night and saw a BIG woman dancing on a table.

I said, "Good legs."

The woman giggled and said, "Do you really think so?"

I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now."

Cost me 6 more stitches, but...

When you're seventy..............who cares?

I'm always amazed at the kids I encounter these days handling money.

I recently did a purchase at an Advance Auto and my expected change was to be $1.51. On opening the cash register the person waiting on me, likely a junior or senior in high school, replied they did not have any pennies and the manager was at lunch so she could not get a roll of pennies as they were locked up. The person asked if I had a penny, which I did, so I asked how that would help. The reply was that if I gave the employee my penny, they could then make the proper change. When I replied they would still owe me a penny, the reply was "I'm confused."

I come from a generation where I used a slide rule in high school and especially in college level engineering studies. For those of you who have never used a slide rule, it might only yield 1, 2, 3 and in some rare circumstances 4 digits. You had to determine in your mind where the decimal point went. So if you multiplied 56 x 72, the slide rule would yield something over 4, but less than 4050. Logic and a guesstimate looking at the slide rule scales would tell you something around 4040, the actual answer being 4032.

These kids today would be lost!

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.

The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a structural analysis and said "99.97% chance we'll make it across that bridge safely.

The anti-vaxxer responded, without even thinking "Forget that, I'm swimming!"

An Australian, and Irishman and a Brit were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out:

My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman calls out across the lounge: "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus"? Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus", he says.

Well, the Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him: "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me". The bartender pours Jesus a Guinness. Jesus looks over, raises his glass in thanks and drinks.

Then the Australian calls out: "Oy you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus or what?" Jesus nods and says: "Yes, I am Jesus". The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a pot of Fosters for Jesus which Jesus accepts with pleasure.

The Brit then calls out: "Oii whack, would you be Jesus"? Jesus smiles and says: "Yes, I am Jesus". The Brit beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a Tom Collins for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the table.

Finally, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches our three friends. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement:

"Oh God! The arthritis is gone! The arthritis I've had for years is gone! It's a miracle"! Jesus then shakes the Australian's hand, thanking him for the lager.

Upon letting go, the Australian's eyes widen in shock: "By jingo mate, the migraine! The migraine I've had for 40 years is completely gone it's a miracle"!!!

Jesus then goes to approach the Brit who says: "Back off, mate! I'm on Disability"!

Once upon a time, a little old lady went to the doctor.

She said, "Doc, I don't know what's wrong, but I've had an constant problem with flatulence for weeks now. It's not much inconvenience, because they're quiet, and they don't stink, but I've farted 4 times just while I explained this to you."

The doc says, "Take two of these and call me in the morning."

She goes home, takes the pills, and goes to bed. In the morning, she calls the doctor again and says, "Dammit doc, I'm still blowing the brown trumpet every 5 seconds but now they stink like hell!"

"Good, I'm glad we cleared up your sinus infection, come on back in to get fitted for hearing aids, then we can start talking about your diet."

I agree, and I also learned how to use a slide rule, but there's absolutely no reason for a kid of today to learn a slide rule. That would be like us in our youth being criticized for not knowing how to use an abacus.

Phil

It was the wurst.

Good One!!

I have a GPS for seniors.

Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, it tells me why I wanted to go there.

When you die, what part of the body dies last?
The pupils… they dilate.

From RVnewsletter

I did not mean to infer that kids today learn to use a slide rule. But it is clear in my mine that what they are learning is not serving them well.

More like everything , especially when some think "New Mexico" is another country!

Do you know why ants never get sick?

Because they have lots of antibodies

Don't know if they still do it today, but a long time back they started to put "New Mexico USA" on their license plates to make it clear that New Mexico was part of the US.
Mark

My mind is like an internet browser. At least 19 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen and I have no clue where the music is coming from.

Most of them still do today: https://tinyurl.com/NewMexicoPlates

This Husband and Wife couple have very different diaries. Here's two entries, the first is from the wife’s diary and the second is from the husband’s journal.

Wife’s Diary:
Tonight, I thought my husband was acting strange.

We went to a nice restaurant for dinner. I thought he was upset by the fact that I was a bit late, but he said nothing about it. I asked him what was wrong. He said, “Nothing.” I asked him if it was something I had done. He said he wasn’t upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him. He smiled slightly, and kept driving. I can’t explain his behavior. I don’t know why he didn’t say, “I love you, too.”

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, and again he said nothing. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. He fell asleep — I cried. I don’t know what to do. I’m sure his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband’s Journal:
Boat wouldn’t start, can’t figure it out!!

Pretty Good

lol

One of my friends maintains that tomorrow doesn't come until you've have 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep.
He also maintains that it's September 7th, 1998.

Really hate having to wait till September to drive my new car.
Shouldn't have bought an autumnobile.

i hope people on September 2nd 1885 were flipping out on Back to the Future Part III day

My girlfriend of 5 years asked me when was the last time I had sex with someone before her.I said "back in '09". It sounds much better than saying September.

Here's to all the Marines on their special day!
September five!

I went to the drugstore and told the girl behind the counter, "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."

Lady assistant: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?"

I said "No... She's pretty good looking....."

When you're seventy.............who cares?

A patient awakened after a serious operation only to find herself in a room with all the blinds drawn. Why are all the blinds closed?" she asked her doctor. Well, the surgeon responded, "They're fighting a huge fire across the street, and we didn't want you to wake up and think the operation had failed."

A young man excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married. He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over three women and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry." The mother agrees. The next day, he brings three beautiful women into the house and sits them down on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which one I'm going to marry." She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle." Stunned, the young man says, "That's amazing, Ma. You're right. How did you know?"

"I don't like her," she says.

They finally released the ingredients in Viagra! 3% Vitamin E, 2% Aspirin, 2% Ibuprofen, 1% Vitamin C, 5% Spray Starch, 87% Fix-A-Flat.

A captain of his ship was sailing the seas one afternoon, when suddenly over the horizon a pirate ship was seen. The captain yells "Everyone prepare for battle, and hand me my red jacket." To which one of the crew members complied and handed him his jacket which he put on. The battle ended victoriously for the ship and his captain and they continued on in their voyage. Later, they again spotted pirates, this time two ships were a approaching. "Men, we must go to battle again! Someone get me my red jacket!" And a crew member brought the jacket and the captain put it on. After a fierce war, and a truly stunning effort of the ships crew, the pirates were defeated. Noticing a trend, one of the ships crew members approaches the captain, "Why is it every time we go to war with another ship, you request to wear your red jacket?" To which the captain replies, "Well, if for some reason I should be injured and bleed, the red jacket will not show my wounds and thus the crew will not be alarmed and worried of my condition." The crew member agrees that this is a good strategy and continues with his work. Later that day over the horizon, a massive fleet of pirate ships, 10 in all, come over the horizon. The nervous crew looks up at the captain and he yells "Everyone prepare for battle, and hand me my brown pants!"

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse," and charged them $50. This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?" The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50, and I get $43 back from Medicare."

What Do You Call a Soldier Who Survived Mustard Gas and Pepper Spray?

– A Seasoned Veteran

Potatoes are Irish Guacamole

Just remember, He who laughs last thinks slowest

A police officer pulls a man over for speeding. As the officer approaches the car he can see that the man is very anxious about something.
"Good afternoon Sir. Do you know why I stopped you?"
"Yes, officer... I know I was speeding -- but it is a matter of life or death."
"Oh, really? How's that?"
"There's a naked woman waiting for me at home."
"I don't see how that is a matter of life or death."
"If I don't get home before my wife does, I'm a dead man."

An old Indian was asked the name of his wife.
He replied, "Wife Name - Three Horse."
"That's an unusual name for your wife, Three Horse. What does it mean?"
"It's an old Indian name. Means Nag, Nag, Nag."

A farmer stopped by the local mechanic shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home.

On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home.

While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?" The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot."

The old lady suggested, " Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand; put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?"

"Why thank you very much," he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says "Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time."

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?"

The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born, just by feeling her breasts.

"Really" she said, "Go on then... Try."

After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"

I said, "Yesterday."

It cost me a kick in the nuts, but...

When you're seventy...............who cares?

Traveling Salesman goes into a bar... Orders a drink...
Across the room someone stands up, and hollers "24!" and everyone roars with laughter....
About 10 min later... Another person stands up, and hollers "97!" and the laughter is even louder this time......
Salesman calls bartender over: "What's going on?"
Bartender explains: "We have this book of jokes.." Instead of telling entire joke, they are just mentioning the number of the joke, and since everybody has a copy of them all, It's faster."
and with that he hands the Salesman a pamphlet of jokes... "Keep it for next time!"

Salesman goes back to hotel and finds a particularly funny joke -- Number 43......

The Next evening.... He goes to the bar, sits there for 30 min while others stand up and holler numbers, and everybody laughs...

He stands Up, and Says: "43!" ------- And there is dead silence!!!

He calls the bartender over... What happened? Why no Laughter?

"Some People Just Can't Tell a Joke!"

I got caught taking a piss in the swimming pool today.

The attendant shouted at me loudly using a loudhailer - I nearly fell in.

When you're seventy...............who cares?

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."

The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."

The man asks "Well what would you do in my situation?"

The bartender puffs himself up a bit and says "If I found out a guy was sleeping with my wife I wouldn't sit around feeling sorry for myself, I'd kill the guy."

The man jumps up from his stool and shouts "That's a great idea! Thanks!" and runs out of the bar.

A couple hours goes by and the bartender is starting to get nervous when the man walks back into the bar with a smile on his face.

"Did you kill the guy?" The bartender asks nervously.

"Nope! I slept with your wife. Whiskey please."

Good One!!