Factory Joke Thread – March 2021

The worst part of seeing a spider in the shower . . .
was the way it covered it's eyes when it saw me “

This is just so funny - scary how true it is!!!

If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model.

I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull..

But that's not the worst of it.

My headlights are out of focus, and it's especially hard to see things up close.

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip and slide and skid and bump into things even in the best of weather.

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins.

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed. My fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it.

Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter,

Either my Radiator Leaks or my Exhaust Backfires !

Don't really know why, but the flag is a big plus.

A drunk guy stops a taxi and opens the door,

"You have space for 10 beer and a whole chicken" he asks the driver

"Sure" the driver replies

"Ok" answers the drunk guy and pukes in the car.

Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me, complaining of severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, where they gave him a series of tests to determine the source of the pain.

My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was wrong. When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone.

I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you like me to call the funeral home now?" With an alarmed look, the nurse quickly said, "Ma'am, he's not THAT sick!"

I see where PA has banned Swift Trucking from using anything but Interstates because of the rising toll of deaths of horses by Swift Trucks. The horses keep running into the back of the trucks and breaking their necks.

A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side.

You know what?” he concluded.

“What, dear?” she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

“I think you’re bad luck.”

Good One!!!!

The chicken went to the seance.

I think he was trying to get to the other side.

...Spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND". He spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.
(More blonde man jokes to come.)

Dear sir, I write this note to you to tell you of my plight.
For at the time of writing it, I'm not a pretty sight.
My body is all black and blue, my face a deathly grey
And I write this note to say why I am not at work today
While working on the 14th floor, some bricks I had to clear
But tossing them down from such a height was not a good idea.
The foreman wasn't very pleased; he is an awkward sod
And he said I had to cart them down the ladders in me hod
Well, clearing all these bricks by hand, it was so very slow
So I hoisted up a barrel and secured a rope below
But in me haste to do the job, I was too blind to see
That a barrel full of building bricks was heavier than me
And so, when I untied the rope, the barrel fell like lead
And clinging tightly to the rope, I started up instead
I shot up like a rocket, and to my dismay I found
That halfway up I met the bloody barrel coming down
Well, the barrel broke me shoulder as to the ground it sped
And when I reached the top, I banged the pulley with me head
But I clung on tightly, numb with shock from this almighty blow
While the barrel spilled out half its bricks some 14 floors below
Now when these bricks had fallen from the barrell to the floor
I then outweighed the barrel and so started down once more
But I clung on tightly to the rope, my body racked with pain
And halfway down, I met the bloody barrel once again
The force of this collision halfway down the office block
Caused multiple abrasions and a nasty case of shock
But I clung on tightly to the rope, as I fell towards the ground
And I landed on the broken bricks the barrel had scatterred round
Well, as I lay there on the floor, I thought I'd passed the worst
But the barrel hit the pulley wheel, and then the bottom burst
A shower of bricks rained down on me; I didn't have a hope
As I lay there bleeding on the ground, I let go the bloody rope
The barrel now being heavier, it started down once more
It landed right across me as I lay there on the floor
It broke three ribs and my left arm, and I can only say
I hope you'll understand why I am not at work today.

A Greek and an Irishman were sitting in a Starbucks one day comparing their two cultures. Over a double latte, the Greek mentions:

"We built the Parthenon, you may recall, along with the Temple of Apollo."

Aye, and it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter Solstices."

"But it was the Greeks who gave birth to advanced mathematics."

"Granted, but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces."

Knowing that he's about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality:

"Keep in mind that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity!"

"Aye! True enough, but it was the Irish who got women involved."

My wife gave me a list of six things she wanted me to fix around the house.
The next day she checked the list.
She said " you have only done numbers 1, 3, 5 on that list.
Thats when I told her I was an odd job man..

Good one !

Q: What goes up when March rain comes down? A: An umbrella.

Q: Why was the sports fan acting so crazy? A: He had March madness!

Q: What season is it when you are on a trampoline in March? A: Spring-time.

Q: Why did the mom call pest control? A: Ants were on the March.

Q: Why are oak trees so forgiving? A: Every March they “turn over a new leaf”.

A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags was ripped and every once in a while, a $20 fell out onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag."

"Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me officer.

"Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a Golf course.

A lot of Golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off.

Kills the flowers, you know.

Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?
So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers.
Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence,
I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K.., buddy! Give me $20, or off it comes.'
"Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing.
"OK. Good luck!

Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" .........
"Not everybody pays."

A girl tells her mother after school ‘Mum, I got a gold star today for reciting the whole alphabet! The rest of my class only knows 3 or 4 letters!

‘Well done darling’ the girl’s mother replies. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’ After returning from school the next day the girl tells her mother ‘I am the smartest student in my maths class! I can count up to 15! Everyone else stopped at about 5’ ‘Well done’ replies the mother again. ‘That’s because you’re blonde.’ The following day, the girl says to her mother. ‘Mum, today we measured our chests in class and mine is the largest! Is that because I’m blonde?’ ‘No darling, that’s because you’re 18.’

. I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home. He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch. An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out. The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour. This continued for several weeks. Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: "Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap." The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: "He lives in a home with four children -- he's trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?"

Good One

She got even more upset and shouted at me, "What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?"

He is to kneel in front of her and recite a sentence in Latin when she taps him on the shoulders with her sword. However, when his turn comes, he panics in the excitement of the moment and forgets the Latin. Then, thinking fast, he recites the only other sentence he knows in a foreign language, which he remembers from the Passover seder:

"Ma nishtanah halailah hazeh mikol haleilot."

Puzzled, Her Majesty turns to her advisor and whispers, "Why is this knight different from all other knights?"

I had to look that one up!

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter
St. Peter asks the first girl, “Jessica, have you ever had any contact with a penis?”
She giggles and shyly replies, “Well I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.”
St. Peter says, “OK, dip the tip of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate.”
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, “Jennifer have you ever had any contact with a penis?”
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, “Well once I fondled and stroked one.”
St. Peter says, “OK, dip your whole hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate.”
All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls, one girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, “Lisa! What seems to be the rush?”
The girl replies, “If I’m going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany sticks her butt in it.”

Good One!!!

Five surgeons were talking about the best patients...

First surgeon says, "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything on the inside is numbered."

Second surgeon says, "Nah - librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

Third surgeon responds, "Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is color coded!"

Fourth surgeon intercedes," I prefer lawyers.They're heartless, spineless, gutless, and their heads and butts are interchangeable."

To which the fifth surgeon, who has been quietly listening to the conversation, says, "I like engineers. They always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."

After an examination, the doctor said to his elderly patient: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'

'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."

When the doctor examined his elderly wife a short time later he said, 'Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?'

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?'

"Oh, that crazy old bastard'' she replied. 'That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August.

I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.
He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. "I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage.”

I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?”

"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no.... I was paroled."

So I was at the store earlier with my service dog.
The lady in front of me at checkout had about $200 worth of toilet paper in her shopping cart.
With an attitude she asked me what type of dog I had.
I told her it was my service dog.
Then she got real snarky and said, I knew that.
What type of service? I said he was a BLD.
By now he was licking her face and hands being super friendly.
She said, what is a BLD?
I told her it stood for Butt Licking Dog.
She said Butt Licking Dog?
I said yeah, he has been trained to lick my butt clean because I can't seem to be able to find toilet paper because of hoarders.
The cashier completely lost it. 

LOL

Took my grandson to the zoo the other day, he was particularly interested in the Spiders and lizards. He kept asking questions about the various lizards and we came across one that was stood on its hind legs and telling jokes..
I had never seen one like that before so we asked the keeper what type of lizard it was.
He came and looked at the lizard and said,
"Oh, that one, its very rare,its a stand up chameleon"

I was in a long line at 7:45 am today at the grocery store that opened at 8:00 for seniors only. 
A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away. 
As he approached the line for the 2nd time he said, "If you don't let me unlock the door, you'll never get in there."      

People of all faiths should remember these four great religious truths:

1. Muslims do not recognize Jews as God's chosen people.

2. Jews do not recognize Christ as the Messiah.

3. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian world.

4. Mormons do not recognize each other at Hooters or the Liquor Store.

I got myself a seniors GPS

Not only does it tell me how to get to my destination, it tells me why I wanted to go there.

Q: What’s Irish and comes out during March? A: Paddy O’Furniture

Q: What season is it when you are on a trampoline in March? A: Spring-time.

Q: Why did the mom call pest control? A: Ants were on the March
.
Q: Why are oak trees so forgiving? A: Every March they “turn over a new leaf”.

See, now that's cute.

Phil