Factory Joke Thread – March 2021

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

Please read the forum rules before posting.

"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

~Angela

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The joke's on me

The joke's on me, I guess. I got nothing!

--
Frank DriveSmart55 37.322760, -79.511267

Captcha

I just failed 3 captcha tests in a row so I’m not even sure I’m not a robot at this point.

--
Tampa, FL - Garmin nüvi 660 (Software Ver 4.90), 2021.20 CN NA NT maps | Magellan Meridian Gold

Leave here with a laugh

I can’t take my dog to the park anymore. All the ducks keep trying to bite him! I guess it’s my fault for getting a dog that’s pure bread…

From RV Daily Newsletter

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Aging

Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – Darling, Honey, Luv. What’s the secret?
Old man: I forgot her name and I’m too scared to ask.

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

I think my wife is hallucinating.

She keeps telling me that she's seeing other people.

Never underestimate an old man

An elderly man had owned his large farm in Louisiana for many years.

Right at the back of the farm there was a large pond that was ideal for swimming. The old farmer had fixed it up real nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the farmer decides to go down to the pond, to look it over, as he hadn’t been down there for a while.

Before setting off, he grabs a five-gallon bucket as he decides he’ll bring back some fruit.

As he nears the pond, he can hear voices shouting and laughing with glee. Clearly someone is having a good time.

As the farmer gets closer, he can see a bunch of young women who are clearly skinny-dipping in his pond.

He makes the women aware of his presence and immediately they all swim over to the far end.

One of the women then shouts, “We’re not coming out until you leave mister!“

The farmer replies, “Ladies, I didn’t come down here to watch you swim naked or make you get out of the pond. You carry on.“

The wily old timer then holds up his bucket and says, “I just came down here to feed the alligators!“

I own the world's worst thesaurus.

Not only is it awful, it's awful.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

How do you make 4 nice old ladies say "f*ck!"?

Have the fifth shout "bingo!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A couple were living together after five years of being together

One day the girlfriend is in the kitchen and on top of the fridge she finds $10000 and four eggs. She is baffled by what the money and eggs would be doing there, so she goes and asks her boyfriend about it. “Hey baby, why is there $10000 and four eggs on the fridge?” Her finding it jolted him. “Oh. Well, every time that you yell at me or are rude to me, I put an egg atop the refrigerator,” He replies to her. She suddenly felt mollified. “Aww baby, it’s been 5 years and you’ve only put four eggs up?”

He replied “No honey, every time I put a dozen up there, I sell them. That’s how I got the $10000.”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Yesterday I called my engineer friend

Yesterday I called my engineer friend and asked him what he was up to

He said, “I’m working on a hydrothermic treatment of porcelain, glass and metals in an environment under controlled pressure.”

His response impressed me but I had no idea what he was talking about and so I asked him to elaborate.

He answered, “I’m doing the dishes and my wife is supervising me.”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Rim Shot...

johnm405 wrote:

I can’t take my dog to the park anymore. All the ducks keep trying to bite him! I guess it’s my fault for getting a dog that’s pure bread…

From RV Daily Newsletter

The one should have a mandatory rim shot... grin

--
GPSMAP 76CSx - nüvi 760 - nüvi 200 - GPSMAP 78S

Like my grandfather

I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather… Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

--
Never argue with a pig. It makes you look foolish and it anoys the hell out of the pig!

Donnie is a sensitive guy.....

Three Texas rednecks were working up on a cell phone tower: Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie.

As they start their descent, Cooter slips, falls off the tower and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Ronnie says, "Well, shucks, someone should go and tell his wife."

Donnie says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Budweiser.
Ronnie says, "Where did you get that beer, Donnie?"

"Cooter's wife gave it to me," Donnie replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"

"Well, not exactly", Donnie says.

"When she answered the door, I said to her, "You must be Cooter's widow."

She said, "You must be mistaken. I'm not a widow."

Then I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are."

Choosing a wife

A man wanted to get married but he was having trouble choosing among three wonderful candidates. He decides to give each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Again, the man is impressed.

The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Obviously, the man was impressed.

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her and what each might bring to the marriage. Then he married the one with the biggest boobs.

Men are like that, you know.

And on another note!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

--
John from PA

Dead Magician

What do you call a dead magician?

An Abracadaver!

From RV Daily Tips Newsletter

Bedtime? I can't go to bed

Bedtime? I can't go to bed yet! Somebody on the internet is wrong!!!!!

--
Frank DriveSmart55 37.322760, -79.511267

When you live alone,

When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat

Is a warm toilet seat

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Karen goes to the doctor not feeling well.

Karen: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately.

Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.

Karen: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches and healing crystals. All my life, they have never failed me. Now will you do things my way or do I need to see the manager?!?

Doctor: Sure, we’ll do things your way. No need to raise your temper. Why don’t we try an astrology based approach?

Karen: At last a sensible approach.

Doctor: So, what’s your star sign?

Karen: it’s cancer.

Doctor: Well what a f***king coincidence.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

March Jokes

What do you call a parading band playing Mexican music?
A.A March-iachi band.

Q: Which crime fighter likes March the most?
A: Robin

Q: Why is March the most popular month to use a trampoline?
A: It’s spring-time.

Q: Which type of bow can’t be tied in March? A:
A rainbow.

Q: What falls during March but never gets hurt?
A: The rain.

Age Old Friends

Two 90-year-old women, Bertha and Betty, had been friends all of their lives.

When it was clear that Bertha was dying, Betty visited her every day.

One day Betty said, “Bertha, we both loved playing softball all our lives, and we played all through high school. Please do me one favor: When you get to heaven, somehow you must let me know if there’s women’s softball there.”

Bertha looked up at Betty from her deathbed and said, “Betty, you’ve been my best friend for many years. If it’s at all possible, I’ll do this favor for you.”

Shortly after that, Bertha passed on.

A few nights later, Betty was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, “Betty, Betty.”

“Who is it?” asked Betty, sitting up suddenly. “Who is it?”

“Betty — it’s me, Bertha.”

“You’re not Bertha. Bertha just died.”

“I’m telling you, it’s me, Bertha,” insisted the voice.

“Bertha! Where are you?”

“In heaven,” replied Bertha. “I have some really good news and a little bad news.”

“Tell me the good news first,” said Betty.

“The good news,” Bertha said, “is that there’s women’s softball in heaven. Better yet, all of our old buddies who died before me are here, too. Even better than that, we’re all young again. Better still, it’s always springtime and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired.”

“That’s fantastic,” said Betty. “It’s beyond my wildest dreams! So what’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching Tuesday.”

Choosing A Wife

I Guess

Husband and wife

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman “Which book has helped you most in your life?”
The woman replied – “My husband’s cheque book!!”

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

Funny

johnm405 wrote:

I can’t take my dog to the park anymore. All the ducks keep trying to bite him! I guess it’s my fault for getting a dog that’s pure bread…

From RV Daily Newsletter

--
Garmin c340, Nuvi 350, Nuvi 765T, Nuvi 2360LMT

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.”

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day...

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A man picks up a hitchhiker on the side of the road

The hitchhiker says, " I'm surprised you picked me up. I could've been a serial killer."

The driver responded, "The chance of two serial killers being in the same car is astronomical."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Smoking in the rain

Two elderly matrons sitting at the bus stop in the rain take out their cigarettes for one last smoke before they get on the bus..
One lady unrolls a condom and slips it over her cigarette, the other asks why she does that.
First gals says “I do it in the rain to keep it dry.”
Second lady says that’s a good idea. I think I’ll begin doing that too.
Later that day she goes to the local pharmacy and asks the druggist for a packed of condoms.
Druggist asks her “What size?”
She ponders the question for a minute, then replies, “Better make it big enough for a Camel.”

--
Pete

I was asked to clear the table after dinner.

I almost made it, but my foot caught the corner.

Hooters

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Texas . They agree to meet every ten years in Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch."Where you wanna go? ""Hooters.""Why Hooters?""They have those servers with the big boobs, the tight shorts and the gorgeous legs."
"You're on."
At age 42, they meet and play golf again"Where you wanna go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Again? Why?"
"They have cold beer, big screen TVs, and side action on the games."
"OK."

At age 52 they meet and play again. "So where you wanna go for lunch?""Hooters.
"Why?"
"The food is pretty good and there's plenty of parking."
"OK."

At age 62 they meet again. After a round of golf, one says, "Where you wanna go?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Wings are half price and the food isn't too spicy."
"Good choice"

At age 72 they meet again. Once again, after a round of golf one says, "Where shall we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"They have six handicapped parking spaces right by the door and they have senior discounts."
"Great choice."

At age 82 they meet and play again. "Where should we go for lunch?"
"Hooters."
"Why?"
"Because we've never been there before."

“Okay, let’s give it a try."

"O"

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

The Devil sat at the gates of hell

An old man suddenly arrived in a burst of flames, looking confused and lost. The Devil looked at his paperwork, and frowned. He was unable to find this old man’s data file.

“This can’t be right,” the old man grumbled, looking at the Devil, “I’ve been a good man my whole life.”

The Devil nodded apologetically, most people said this when they arrived at Hell. “Why don’t you start with how you died and we’ll figure it out.” He said

The old man signed and said:

“Well, I was out with minding my grandchildren, enjoying a fun day out. I don’t get the grandchildren often because my eyesight is starting to fade. But we were having the most wonderful time..

And that’s when everything went crazy!

Out of nowhere, I spotted the largest most grotesque mouse I’ve ever seen moving towards us. It was absolutely enormous!

And that’s when it moved. Straight towards the grandchildren first, limbs outstretched. You don’t know where mice have been, what if it had’ve bitten one of them? Can you imagine if they got rabies on my watch?”

“So what did you do?” The Devil whispered, entranced by the story. He was munching on a box of popcorn.

The old man continued,

“You don’t get how big this mouse was! Radiation it must’ve been. Too many phones these days, that’s what causes it.

I did the only think I could!

I grabbed my walking stick and I cracked it over the head. Now my eye sight isn’t that good anymore, but I whacked it good!

The kids started screaming at this point. You know how they get when you have to kill an animal.

But I needed to keep going. You see with mice, you need to see their guts to know their dead. Otherwise they’ll be back with others.”

“So you killed it?” The Devil asked. Some of his demigods had come to listen to the story.

The old man nodded,

“By golly I did! Guts and all were splattered for all to see. The kids had lost their mind at this point. Tears everywhere. A crowd had gathered as well, all screaming at the sight.

It was at this point though, that the exertion caught up with me. I felt my heart give way. I must have suffered a heart attack. Next thing I know, I’m here.”

“Well,” the Devil said, concerned, “This doesn’t seem to add up. Let me just give Heaven a call and we’ll try and see what’s going on here.

The Devil pulled up a phone from thin air and dialled a number.

“Hey Jesus bro,” the Devil said, “I think I’ve got one of yours here. His story checks out. Must have been a mix up.”

The Devil nodded as a voice on the phone spoke back to him. He gave the old man a silent celebratory thumbs up as the voice continued.

The Devil covered the phone speaker with his hand, turned to the old man and said,

“You’re all good, they just want to know where you were when you died.”

The old man nodded,

“Oh that’s easy, I was at Disneyland.”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

I tried donating blood today

NEVER AGAIN!!!
Too many stupid questions
Who’s blood is it?
Where did you get it?
Why is it in a bucket?

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

You Might Be A Redneck If...

- You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.

- The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.

- You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

- You think a woman who is out of your league bowls on a different night.

- Someone in your family died right after saying, 'Hey, guys, hold my beer and watch this.'

- Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

- Your junior prom offered day care.

- You think the last words of the Star-Spangled Banner are 'Gentlemen, start your engines. '

- The Halloween pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.

- One of your kids was born on a pool table.

- You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.

A Blonde MAN is in the bathroom...

...and his wife shouts: "Did you find the shampoo?" He answers, "Yes, but I'm not sure what to do...it's for dry hair, and I've just wet mine."

--
It is impossible to rightly govern a nation without God and the Bible. ----George Washington

A few love stories?

A friend of mine told his wife he wanted to be cremated. She
made an appointment for him next Tuesday.

His wife asked him to take her to one of those restaurants where
they prepare the meal right in front of you. He took her to Subway. Needless to say, they went home separately.

He's been married so long he doesn't care anymore where his
wife goes, as long as he doesn't have to go along.

These days, when his wife says, "Let's go upstairs and make
love," his response is, "Pick one."

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Sorry, a day late

Yesterday was International Women's Day and I'm a day late in posting...

Arguing with a woman is like reading the Software License agreement. In the end you have to ignore everything and click on "I agree".

--
John from PA

Lockdown

Lockdown can only go 4-ways. You'll end up a monk, a hunk, a chunk, or a drunk. Choose wisely!

--
John from PA

As best I can remember

1. My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned. Couldn't concentrate.

2. Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.

3. After that, I tried being a Tailor, but wasn’t suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job.

4. Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.

5. Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn’t have the thyme.

6. Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.

7. My best job was as a Musician, but eventually found I wasn’t noteworthy.

8. I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn’t have any patience

9. Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.

10. I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn’t live on my net income.

11. Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.

12. So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn’t fit for the job.

13. After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as an historian
until I realized there was no future in it.

14. My last job was working in Starbucks, but had to quit because it was always the same old grind.

15. SO, I TRIED RETIREMENT AND I FOUND I’M PERFECT FOR THE JOB!

--
John from PA

Irish

Slaney phoned the maternity ward at the hospital. 'Quick!' he said. 'Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!'

'Tell me, is this her first baby?' the intern asked.

'No, this is her husband, Kevin, speakin'.'

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

My wife just left me.

She says life revolves around football and she's sick of it.

I'm quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Married life!

One day, I looked at my wife and said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 25 year old blonde.

Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I'm sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is a very reasonable woman. She told me to go out and find a hot 25 year old blonde, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car, sleeping on a sofa bed.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

AsGermans, we really struggle with the six feet distance mandate

Hopefully we can go back to our usual 10 feet distance after being vaccinated.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The real reason women don't like guys under 6 feet.

Dead people really struggle to hold a conversation.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Disappointment...

When I was a kid I wanted to be older...this is not what I expected.

--
GPSMAP 76CSx - nüvi 760 - nüvi 200 - GPSMAP 78S

Living together after 40 years

Timantide wrote:

One day the girlfriend is in the kitchen and on top of the fridge she finds $10000 and four eggs. She is baffled by what the money and eggs would be doing there, so she goes and asks her boyfriend about it. “Hey baby, why is there $10000 and four eggs on the fridge?” Her finding it jolted him. “Oh. Well, every time that you yell at me or are rude to me, I put an egg atop the refrigerator,” He replies to her. She suddenly felt mollified. “Aww baby, it’s been 5 years and you’ve only put four eggs up?”

He replied “No honey, every time I put a dozen up there, I sell them. That’s how I got the $10000.”

Wow! If I being doing like he did I would become a millionaire by this time

--
Nuvi 2595LMT

Brotherly Love

At the start of the Iraq war, a guy enters the bar on Friday evening: "Three beers please". He drinks them all, and then says: "Another three beers please". When the waiter brings them, he says: "You know, I could also bring them one by one, then they'd stay cold?". Says the guy: "No that's alright. You see, my two brothers and I always went to the bar on Friday evening, but now they both shipped out to Iraq, and they asked me to have a beer for them." "Ah, that makes sense, thanks for their service, and let's hope they'll be safe!" says the waiter.

Next Friday, the guy comes again, the waiter nods at him and brings three beers. Says the guy: "Thanks, but I only need two today." The waiter looks shaken and says: "My condolences on the loss of your brother!" Replies the guy: "No, they are both alright, but the doctor told me not to drink anymore."

Marcy St. Patrick's Day Jokes

Q: What do you call a fake diamond in Ireland? A: A sham-rock

Q: Where can you always find gold on St. Patrick’s Day? A: In the dictionary.

Q: What should you say to a runner in the St. Patrick’s Day marathon? A: Irish you luck

Q: What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a four leaf clover? A: A rash of good luck

Q: What did the Irish potato say to his sweet heart? A: I only have eyes for you

Q: Why do people wear shamrocks on St. Patrick’s Day? A: Real rocks are too heavy!

Irish

Mrs. Feeney shouted from the kitchen, 'Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?'

'No,' said himself, 'but I'm gettin' closer all the time.

--
Nuvi 350 long gone, Nuvi 855LMT, Nuvi 2797LMT, DriveSmart 50 LMT-HD, 3790LMT now my daughters. Using Windows 10. DashCam A108C with GPS.

There was an old man who lived by a forest.

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald. That day, he called his children to a meeting...

He said, "Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it's completely gone now. My hair can't be saved. But look outside at the forest. It's such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they'll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair."

"What I want you to do..." the man continued. "Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family's duty to keep this forest strong."

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Went for a job interview for a blacksmiths apprentice

I was asked "have you ever shooed a horse before?" I said "no, but I once told a donkey to f**k off"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!
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