Factory Joke Thread – January 2021

I tried to add a link but was not successful. It is too bad b/c it was funny.

A woman visits her husband in prison. Before leaving she tells the correction officer: You shouldn't make my husband work so hard. He's exhausted! The office laughs and says, are you kidding me, he just eats, sleeps and stays in his cell all day. The wife replies, well he just told me he's been digging a tunnel for months.

Q: What’s the best thing about January?
A: No more Christmas Carollers!

Q: Who helped Cinderella with her New Year’s Resolutions?
A: Her Janufairy Godmother.

Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Icy.
Icy who?
Icy a January snow storm coming!

Q: What do you have in December that you don’t have in January? A: The letter D

CALLER:
Is this Pizza Hut?

GOOGLE:
No sir, it's Google Pizza.

CALLER:
I must have dialed a wrong number, sorry.

GOOGLE:
No sir, Google bought Pizza Hut last month.

CALLER:
OK. I would like to order a pizza.

GOOGLE:
Do you want your usual, sir?

CALLER:
My usual? You know me?

GOOGLE:
According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses, sausage, pepperoni, mushrooms and meatballs on a thick crust.

CALLER:
Super! That’s what I’ll have.

GOOGLE:
May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta, arugula, sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat gluten-free thin crust?

CALLER:
What? I don’t want a vegetarian pizza!

GOOGLE:
Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

CALLER:
How the hell do you know that?

GOOGLE:
Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

CALLER:
Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetarian pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

GOOGLE:
Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you purchased only a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once at Lloyds Pharmacy, 4 months ago.

CALLER:
I bought more from another Pharmacy.

GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.

CALLER:
I paid in cash.

GOOGLE:
But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

CALLER:
I have other sources of cash.

GOOGLE:
That doesn’t show on your latest tax returns, unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law!

CALLER:
WHAT THE HELL!

GOOGLE:
I'm sorry sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

CALLER:
Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp and all the others. I'm going to an island without the internet, TV, where there is no phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me.

GOOGLE:
I understand sir, but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago...

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patty Whack.

"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday."

Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.

Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.

The frog says, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed.

Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.

She finds the manager and says, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"

The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

(You sang it, didn't you? Yeah, I know you did.)

Never take life too seriously.

Good one.

Wow Love it

The man approached the very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and asked, “You know, I’ve lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?” “Why? Because every time I talk to a beautiful woman my wife appears out of nowhere.”

A Texas rancher was driving through Mexico and stopped at the edge of the road to admire the scenery and a white beautiful horse caught his eye. The horse looked healthy well kept and was in a separate corral. Just for tries the Texan asked one of the workers if the horse was for sale.

The worker trying to communicate said "No, no, he no look too good."

The Texan was not satisfied with the answered because he saw that the animal looked great and insisted on buying it, after a few arguments the worker arranged for the sale and the Texan took the horse back to his ranch. He rode the horse through his ranch and galloped to the barn when suddenly the horse ran right into the barn wall. Frustrated the Texan takes the horse back to Mexico and talks to the worker that sold him the horse and explains what happened.

The worker said, "I told you... he no look too good"

Studies have demonstrated that rednecks have the lowest stress rate because they do not understand the seriousness of most medical terminology.....

Artery The study of paintings
Bacteria Back door to cafeteria
Barium What doctors do when patients die
Benign What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section A neighborhood in Rome
Cat scan Searching for Kitty
Cauterize Made eye contact with her
Colic A sheep dog
Coma A punctuation mark
Dilate To live long
Enema Not a friend
Fester Quicker than someone else
Fibula A small lie
Impotent Distinguished, well known
Labor Pain Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff A Doctor's cane
Morbid A higher offer
Nitrates Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
Normally More money than Days
Node I knew it
Outpatient A person who has fainted
Pelvis Second cousin to Elvis
Post-Operative A letter carrier
Recovery Room Place to do upholstery
Rectum Nearly killed him
Secretion Hiding something
Seizure Roman Emperor
Tablet A small table
Terminal Illness Getting sick at the airport
Tumor One plus one more
Urine Opposite of you're out

Good one, thanks for sharing.

Two guys stole a calendar. They got six months each.

Now see, this is short, sweet, and funny. Well done. It reminds me of Occam's razor, which is the problem-solving principle that "entities should not be multiplied without necessity", or more simply, the simplest explanation is usually the right one."

Phil

Good One!!

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address!

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules together. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston , a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a Baptist minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.

The widow decided to check her e-mail expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read: .................................................................................

To: My Loving Wife Subject: I've Arrived Date: August 14, 2017

I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I've just arrived and have been checked in.

I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is hot down here!!!

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing, and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

In the meat department, there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalising smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

I don’t buy toilet paper there anymore.

DEAR NEIGHBOR:

Hi, George. This is Richard, next door. I've a confession to make. I've been riddled with guilt for a few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you face-to-face. At least I'm telling you in this text. I can't live with myself a minute longer without your knowing about this. The truth is, when you're not around, I've been sharing your wife, day and night. Probably much more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently. I know that's no excuse. The temptation was just too great. I can't live with the guilt & hope you'll accept my sincere apology and forgive me.

Please suggest a fee for usage and I'll pay you.

Richard

NEIGHBOR'S RESPONSE:

George, feeling enraged and betrayed, grabbed his gun, went next door, and shot Richard dead. He returned home, shot his wife, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. George then looked at his phone and discovered a second text message from Richard.

SECOND TEXT MESSAGE:

Hi, George. Richard here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I assume you figured it out and noticed that the darned Spell-Check had changed "wi-fi" to "wife." Technology, huh? It'll be the death of us all.

I received a phone call this morning from a gorgeous, totally hot ex-girlfriend who called 'out-of-the-blue' to see if I was still around.

We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that "old magic."

"Wow!" I was flabbergasted.

"I don't know if I could keep pace with you now," I said, "I'm a bit older and a bit greyer and balder than when you last saw me. Plus, I don't really have the energy I used to have."

She just giggled and said she was sure I would "rise to the challenge."

"Yeah," I said. "Just so long as you don't mind a waistline that's several inches wider these days! Not to mention my total lack of muscle tone . . . everything is sagging, my teeth, that are left, are a bit yellowed and I'm developing jowls like a Great Dane!"

She laughed and told me to stop being so silly.

She teased me saying that tubby, balding, out of shape, overweight, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Anyway, she giggled and said, "I've put on 5 pounds since we were last together!"

So, at that, I told her to piss off...

Old Man Roy and his friend Carl were standing at the base of a flag pole, looking up.

A blonde lady walked up and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flag pole" said Roy "but we don't have a ladder".

The woman took a wrench from their tool kit, loosened a few bolts, and laid the pole down. She then took a tape measure from the same kit, took a measurement and announced "Eighteen feet, six inches" and walked away.

Carl shook his head and laughed. "Ain't that just like a dumb blonde? We ask for the height, and she gives us the length".

Q: What’s the easiest way to keep your New Year’s resolution to read more?
A: Put the subtitles on your TV.

Q: What was dog’s New Year’s resolution?
A: Woof… and he really means it this year.

Q: What’s the easiest resolution to keep?
A: This year, I’m going to be myself!

Q: What was the Amityville Priest’s resolution for the new year?
A: To exorcise more.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah good joke about January?

Prime Minister Justin Trudeau finally breaks down and visits a remote northern reserve.

The Prime Minister asks the chief if there was anything the people need.

"Well," says the chief, "We have three very important needs. First, we have a medical clinic, but no doctor."

Trudeau whips out his phone, dials a number, talks to somebody for two minutes and then hangs up. "I've pulled some strings. Your doctor will arrive in a few days.

"The second problem is that we have no way to get clean water. The local mining operation has poisoned the water our people have been drinking for thousands of years. We've been flying bottled water in, and it's terribly expensive."

Once again, Trudeau dials a number, yells into the phone for a few minutes, and then hangs up. "The mine has been shut down, and the owner is being billed for setting up a purification plant for your people. Now what was that third problem?"

"We have no cellphone reception up here," the chief says.

A man settles in his seat next to the window on a plane, when another man sits down next to him and seats his Black Labrador Retriever in-between them. The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why he's allowed on the plane. The second man explains that he's a DEA-Agent, Sniffing-dog.

His name is Sniffer, and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has levelled out, the agent says "Watch this. He tells Sniffer to 'search'". Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the agent's arm. The agent says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land." "Say, that's pretty neat." replies the first man.

Once again, the agent sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and this time, he places TWO paws on the agent's arm. The agent says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I m making a note of his seat number for the police." "I like it!" says his seat mate.

The agent then tells Sniffer to "search" again. Sniffer walks up and down the aisles for a little while, sits down for a moment, and then comes racing back to the agent, jumps into the middle seat and proceeds to poop all over the place. The first man is really grossed out by this behaviour and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the agent, "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!"

A man hears a knock at the door late at night. He goes downstairs and answers it. There’s a man stood there, and he said “Hi mate, is there any chance you can give me a push?” The homeowner said angrily, “Do you know what time it is? It’s nearly 3:00, I’ve got to be up for work in 2 hours, now piss off!” and slams the door. He went back up to bed. His wife asked who was at the door, he said “Some idiot wanting a push! I told him to do one.” His wife said “why?! Remember that time we broke down and that couple stopped and helped us? We’d have been stranded if it wasn’t for them. Now go down and help the poor man!” So he got up and went to the front door. It was dark and he couldn’t see anything. He shouted “Hey mate, are you still there?” “Yes I am.” The guy replied.

“Where are you?” He asked.....

“I’m over here on the swing.”

I accidentally rubbed some ketchup into my eyes!
Now I have Heinzsight!

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address.

He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.

Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner.

Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope...

Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched.

He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars.

By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went.

A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God.

All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read:
Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me?
Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends.
We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was $4 missing.
I think it might have been those buggers at the post office.

Sincerely, Edna