Factory Joke Thread – January 2021

No joke. Welcome to the New Year.

Yeah, no joke and a happy and healthy and prosperous New Year to all Factoryites in 2021.

Phil

Q: What is a New Years Resolution?

A; Something that goes in one year and out the other.

From Readers digest

Heres Hoping This Year Is Better Than Last Year
Hope evertbody has a healthy year

The doctor asked him a series of questions: “Do you know where you are?” “I’m at Rex Hospital.” “What city are you in?” “Raleigh.” “Do you know who I am?” “Dr. Hamilton.” My grandfather then turned to the nurse and said, “I hope he doesn’t ask me any more questions.” “Why?” she asked. “Because all of those answers were on his badge.

The judge gave me 60 years!

The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub.

A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle. A curious gentleman came over and asked what he was doing. "Fishing", the old man said simply. "Poor old fool", the gentleman thought, and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub.

He felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whiskey, so he asked the old man, "and how many have you caught?"

"You're the eighth", the old man answered.

Good One!!!

Bill and Betty have seven children and one day Bill says to her, "I love all our kids but always thought Tom is unlike the others. He is so different. So tell me, who is Tom's dad?"

"You are."

Because he was pointless.

It's weird being the same age as old people.

When I was a kid I wanted to be older...this is not what I expected.

Life is like a helicopter. I don't know how to operate a helicopter.

It's probably my age that tricks people into thinking I'm an adult.

I see people about my age mountain climbing; I feel good getting my leg through my underwear without losing my balance.

I'm at that age where my mind still thinks I'm 29, my humor suggests I'm 12, while my body mostly keeps asking if I'm sure I'm not dead yet.

I'm getting tired of being part of a major historical event.

You don't realize how old you are until you sit on the floor and then try to get back up.

5 Rules of Life:

1. Money cannot buy happiness - but it's far more comfortable to cry in a Mercedes than on a bicycle

2. Forgive your enemy - but remember the asshole's name.

3. If you help someone when they're in trouble - they will remember you when they're in trouble again.

4. Alcohol does not solve any problems - but then, neither does milk.

5. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to shoot them.

Some relationships are a lot like algebra.

Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

One winter morning while listening to the radio, Bob and his wife hear the announcer say, “We are going to have 4-6 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the even numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”
Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 6-8 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through.”
Bob’s wife goes out and moves her car again.
The next week they are having breakfast again, when the radio announcer says, “We are expecting 8-10 inches of snow today. You must park…” then the electric power goes out.
Bob’s wife is very upset, and with a worried look on her face she says, “Honey, I don’t know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the plow can get through?”
With the love and understanding in his voice like all men who are married to blondes exhibit, Bob says, “Why don’t you just leave it in the garage this time?”

Q: Which month does the Brady Bunch like most?
A: JANuary.

Q: What’s a New Years resolution?
A: A to-do list… for the first week of January.

Q: What do you call a nice ghost on a cold January night?
A: Casp-burr.

Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Jan.
Jan who?
January is my favorite month.

Q: Where do storm troopers go to warm up on cold January days?
A: The Darth Mall.

Policeman:”What are you selling?”

Vendor:” Apple seeds... $5 a pop!”

Policeman:”What???Why would anyone want to eat apple seed?”

Vendor:” They make you smarter!”

Policeman:” OK, give me one (swallows it)... wait a minute? For $5 I could have bought a pound of apples and got myself at least 20 seeds!”

Vendor:” See!!! You’re smarter already!”

Policeman:” WOW, you’re right... Give me two more, quick!”

People always ask where I got my incredibly detailed tattoo done, but they never believe me when I tell them Spain.

Nobody expects the Spanish ink precision.

I’ve experienced the 7 day trial and I’m not interested

Most of the doctors these days rely on their computers to gain information regarding health history of the patients. Gone on the days when they hand write the information in the charts.
Now all the world to see what is in these charts compromising the information.

Better yet, some doctors participate in Telehealth video calls, what a rip off in my opinion.

Relationships
Some relationships are a lot like algebra.

Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

Doctor: Wow! That’s the worst case of parking sons’ disease I have ever seen.

Now I can’t read any of it.

He wanted to dig his Yellow Yam and Sweet Potato Garden, but it was very hard work as the ground was hard.

His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty badly because it looks like I won't be able to plant my Yellow Yam and Sweet Potato Garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me....Love, Dad

A few days later he received a letter from his son:

Dear Dad, Don't dig up that garden. That's where I buried the bodies.

Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. The next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son:

Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the Yams and Potatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Good One!!

My wife of 15 years has just told me she has been faking her orgasms every time we've had sex.

I can't believe she lied to me, not once, but twice.

I googled the "Pittsburg Steelers" today and it took me to allrecipes.com...

How to make a half dozen turnovers.

Went to a strange wedding last week
Two GPS antennas wanted to get married.
The wedding ceremony was quite strange
but the reception was just perfect...

His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she's there."

... there are some really hilarious ones here and also posted before. Thanks so much for sharing them and bringing some much needed laughter to our lives. Very appreciated!

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like banana.

Awesome

Q: What is the first month of the year in Transyvania? A: Janu-eerie

Q: Where do you find Google during January? A: The Winternet.

Q: How did Jack Frost get to work on New Year’s Day? A: By icicle.

Q: What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed? A: A cold.

Hello, is this 911?
Yes, what is your emergency?
I called to inform you that you're 910 now.

Goes to his boss and says "Everyone in the world knows me." The boss says " Ok then lets see Tom Cruise." So they fly to LA go to Tom Cruise's mansion and knock on the door and Tom Cruise opens the door and says "Dave come on in and have a beer." The boss still doesn't believe Dave so he says "Let's go see the president." So they fly to the white house and the president says "Dave long time no see come on in and have a beer." The boss still in doesn't fully believe Dave so he says "Let's go see the pope." So they fly to the Vatican and Dave says "He won't see us in this crowd, I will go out on the balcony with the pope." 20 minutes later Dave and the pope come out on the balcony. Then Dave comes down and his boss is being carried away on an ambulance and Dave goes and says "What happened." The boss replies "I had a heart attack because when you came out with the pope the guy next to me says "Who the hell is that with Dave."

A crusty old biker, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:

CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50
HAND JOB: $100.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meager looking group of farmers.

The attractive bartender inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the old biker, "are you the one who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "I am."

The old biker replies, "Well, please first wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger."

The jokes on hear are like the covid vaccine,
old people get them first

If us old people could only get an appointment for the vaccine. [sigh] Too many people, too little vaccine.

The local news today said executives from New York have come to Texas just to get the vaccine & then go back.

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right!

went over to the mall where I spent 15 minutes trying to get to the second floor when someone told me I was on the down escalator.

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet when suddenly a Mach 2 Eurofighter appears

The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care, and have a look here!”

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"

The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"

The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, at the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what do you say now?"

The jet pilot, confused, asks: "What did you do?"

The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the aircraft to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made an appointment with a stewardess for the next three nights -- in a 5-Star hotel, which is paid for by my employer. "

The moral of the story is when you are young, speed and adrenaline seem to be great. But as you get older and wiser, comfort and peace are not to be despised either.

This is called SOS : S lower, O lder, S marter.

Ethel checked into a Motel on her 60th Birthday, she was lonely, a little depressed at her advancing age so decided to risk an adventure.

She thought, "I'll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages."

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling himself Tender Tony a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo.

He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a dime off his well-oiled buns .......

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. I'll give him a call.

“Good evening, ma'am, how may I help you? Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, so she rushed right in, "I hear you give a great massage. I'd like you to come to my motel room and give me one. No, wait, should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go at it all night - tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I'm ready! Now how does that sound?”

He said, “That sounds absolutely fantastic, but
you need to press 9 for an outside line.”

Good One!!

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He'd have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community...

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they'd have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise Rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the Rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Hebrew, they agreed that it would be a 'silent' debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and the Rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.

The Rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.

The Rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.

The Rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the Rabbi was too clever.

The Jews could stay in Italy!

Later the cardinals met with the Pope and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, "First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our beliefs. Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us. Finally, I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He bested me at every move and I could not continue!"

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the Rabbi how he had won.

"I don't have a clue!!!" the Rabbi said.

"First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger. Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, so I told him that we were staying right here."

"And then what?" asked a woman.

"Who knows!!" said the Rabbi. "He took out his lunch, so I took out mine!"

A man runs into a bank, pulls out a gun and robs the teller. He then turns the gun on the on the first man standing in the tellers line and asks, "Did you see me rob this bank?"

The man stammered, "Yes."

Bang! The robber shoots him.

He then turns the gun on the married couple next in line, points the gun at the husband and demands, "Did you see me rob this bank?" The husband quickly responds, "No....but my wife did!"

Why do bagpipers walk while they play?
They're trying to get away from the noise.