This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.
It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.
Please read the forum rules before posting.
"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."
Girl: "I can't be your valentine for medical reasons."
Girl: "Yeah, you make me sick!"
What did the painter say to her boyfriend?
"I love you with all my art!"
Valentines Day is the day that the "V" and "D" come together.
What do you call the fruit police?
The Peach Fuzz
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'
'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
'Try it now,' said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?
The bee answered,
They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week hunting moose.
They managed to bag 6. As they were loading the plane to return, the Pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose.
The two guys objected strongly. "Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. The plane took off. However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, only the two rednecks survived the
After climbing out of the wreckage, Billy Ray asked Billy Bob, "Any idea where we
Billy Bob replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."
Today my grandson asked how I know that everyone driving is named Dick.
An Englishman, Frenchman, Spaniard, and German are all trying to watch a street performer juggle knives.
Unfortunately, it's such a busy day in the city, there are too many other people around to see clearly.
Luckily, the juggler notices their plight and decides to climb onto a higher platform so the four men can see.
As he balances a knife on his nose, he asks, "Can you see me now?"
The four men reply one after the other, "Yes!" "Oui!" "Si!" "Ja!"
A woman was having sex with her husbands best friend when her phone rang and her husband's name appeared on the ID. As she answered the call, her lover jumped out of bed and began to dress in a hurry. "relax" she said after she hung up the phone. He was just calling to tell me that he'd be home late because he's out bowling with you.
A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don’t know what to do.
About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.
The doctor says to the woman, “I know what we’ll do. After I’ve operated on the priest, I’ll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle.”
“Do you think it will work?” she asks the doctor.
“It’s worth a try,” he says.
So the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says, “Father, you’re not going to believe this.”
“What?” says the priest. “What happened?”
“You gave birth to a child.”
“But that’s impossible!”
“I just did the operation,” insists the doctor. “It’s a miracle! Here’s your baby.”
About fifteen years go by, and the priest realizes that he must tell his son the truth.
One day he sits the boy down and says, “Son, I have something to tell you. I’m not your father.”
The son says, “What do you mean, you’re not my father?”
The priest replies, “I’m your mother. The archbishop is your father.”
Mike says to Jack, “I found this pen, is it yours?”
Jack replies, “Don’t know let me see.” He then tries it and says, “Yes it is.”
Mike asks, “How do you know?”
Jack replies, “That’s my handwriting..”.
“Lexophile” describes those who have a love for words, such as “you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish” or “to write with a broken pencil is pointless.”
A competition is held every year in New York. Some of the 2019 submittals are below with the winner at the very end.
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
• Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
• This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I’d swear I’ve never met herbivore.
• I know a guy who’s addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
• A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.
• When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, UCLA.
• I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.
• A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
• A will is a dead giveaway.
• With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
• Police were summoned to a day care center where a 3-year-old was resisting a rest.
• Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
• A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.
• The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.
• He had a photographic memory, but it was never fully developed.
• When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.
• Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.
• I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
• Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
• When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
• When chemists die, they barium.
• I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
• No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
• I’m reading a book about anti-gravity I just can’t put down.
• And the winner: Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.
At age 4 success is…not peeing in your pants.
At age 12 success is…having friends.
At age 16 success is…having a drivers license.
At age 20 success is…having sex.
At age 35 success is…having money.
At age 50 success is…having money.
At age 60 success is…having sex.
At age 70 success is…having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is…having friends.
At age 80 success is…not peeing in your pants
Why God Invent Lawyers SignA stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the old saying, “You can’t take it with you.”
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died.
He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed.
His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven. Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer’s wife, up in the attic cleaning came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.
“Oh, that old fool,” she exclaimed. “I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement.”
An elderly looking gentleman, (mid-nineties) very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good after shave, presenting a well-looked-after image, walks into an upscale cocktail lounge.
Seated at the bar is an elderly looking lady.
The gentleman walks over, sits alongside her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, “So tell me, do I come here often?”
A man was out walking one day and went by a retirement home. As he passed the front lawn, he saw nine old ladies basking in the sun in lounge chairs. When he looked closer he realized that they were all stark naked.
He went to the door and rang the bell. When the director answered the door, the man asked if he realized there were nine naked old ladies lying in the sun on the front lawn.
The director said, “Yes” and went on to explain that the old ladies were all retired prostitutes living at the retirement home, and they were having a yard sale.
The mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by the recently married couple’s house. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house. She saw her daughter-in-law standing naked by the door.
“What are you doing?” she asked.
“I’m waiting for my husband to come home from work.,” the daughter-in-law answered.
“But you’re NAKED!” the mother-in-law exclaimed.
“This is my Love Dress.” the daughter-in-law explained.
“Love Dress? But you’re naked!”
“My husband loves me to wear this dress! It makes him happy and it makes me happy. I would appreciate it if you would leave because he will be home from work any minute.” The mother-in-law was tired of all this romantic talk and left.
On the way home, she thought about the Love Dress. When she got home she got undressed, showered, put on her best perfume and waited by the front door.
Finally, her husband got home. He walked in and saw her standing naked by the door.
“What are you doing?” He exclaimed.
“This is My Love Dress.” She replied.
“Needs ironing,” he said.
A trial is taking place in Mississippi. The defendant is a sweet grandmotherly type.
Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?
Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Woman: No, I didn’t stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!
Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my old legs and said to him, “Take me, young man, Take me!”
Defense Attorney: What happened?
Little Old Woman: That’s when he yelled, “April Fool!” And that’s when I shot the son of a bitch!
“Lexophile” describes those who have a love for words...
John, I think you got your mords wixed (pun intended). There's no such word as "lexophile." I believe the word you were looking for is "logophile." Just sayin'.
This dictionary says there is a word “lexophile” meaning a lover of words and the competition is called that by the New York Times which of course has been known to be incorrect.
He won the No-Bell Prize!
One day a mother skunk was out walking her three oldest youngsters. Suddenly a pack of dogs started to chase them from four different directions. There was no escaping from the pack.
The mother skunk calmly told them to form a circle She told them to bow their heads and said "Come, children, let us spray."
I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings'. Apparently Gollum was once a normal man. But wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in his life. Must be the same ring I put on when I got married.
I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings'. Apparently Gollum was once a normal man. But wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in his life. Must be the same ring I put on when I got married.
A couple were dining out together celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary.
After the meal, the husband presented his wife romantically with a beautiful very old gold antique locket on a chain.
Amazingly when his wife opened the locket, a tiny fairy appeared.
Addressing the astonished couple, the fairy said, "Your forty years of devotion to each other has released me from this locket, and in return I can now grant you both one wish each - anything you want.."
Without hesitating, the wife asked, "Please, can I travel to the four corners of the world with my husband, as happy and in love as we've always been?"
The fairy waved her wand with a flourish, and magically there on the table were two first-class tickets for a round-the-world holiday.
Staggered, the couple looked at each other, unable to believe their luck.
"Your turn," said the fairy and the wife to the husband.
The husband thought for a few seconds, and then said, with a little guilt in his voice, "Forgive me, but to really enjoy that holiday of a lifetime - I yearn for a younger woman - so I wish that my wife could be thirty years younger than me."
Shocked, the fairy glanced at the wife, and with a knowing look in her eye, waved her wand.....
and the husband became ninety-three.
A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping. “Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.
“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”
But my girlfriend keeps insisting it says dyslexia
Go outside and pee in the garden; if ants gather, you have diabetes
If the pee ends up on your shoes, you may have a prostate problem
If it smells like a barbecue, you may have a cholesterol problem
If you shake it and your wrist hurts, you may have osteoarthritis
If you go back inside your house with your penis outside your pants, you may have Alzheimers.
If you go back inside your house with your p*n*s outside your pants, you may have Alzheimers.
Thanks for my laugh for the day.
One day, in line at the cafeteria, Bob says to Stanley, “My elbow hurts like crazy. I guess I’d better see a doctor.”
“Listen, Bob, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Stan replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what’s wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars… a lot cheaper than a doctor.”
So, Bob fills a small jar with his urine and takes it to Walmart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: “You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Here is a doctor’s certificate for your employer.”
That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Bob began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a urine sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and some water out of his favorite fishing hole, just for good measure.
He then went back to Walmart, eager to test the computer. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and waits.
In ten seconds the computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo.
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant – twins. They aren’t yours. Get a lawyer.
5. If you don’t stop fishing, your elbow will never get better.
And, as always… "Thank you for shopping at Walmart.”
When a small four seaters plane crashed into a cemetary.
Irish search and research workers have discovered 965 bodies so far, but they expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.
A blind man visits Texas. When he gets to his hotel room, he feels the bed. “Wow, this bed is big!”
“Everything is bigger in Texas,” says the bellhop.
The man heads downstairs to the bar, settles into a huge barstool and orders a beer. A mug is placed between his hands. “Wow these drinks are big!”
The bartender replies, “Everything is big in Texas.”
After downing a few, the blind man asks where the bathroom is. “Second door to the right,” says the bartender.
The blind man heads for the bathroom but accidentally enters the third door, which leads to the swimming pool, and he falls in. Popping his head up from under the water and flailing his arms, he shouts, “Don’t flush, don’t flush!”
Frank always looked on the bright side. He would constantly irritate his friends with his eternal optimism. No matter how horrible the circumstance, he would always reply "It could have been worse." To cure him of his annoying habit, his friends decided to invent a situation so completely bad, so terrible, that even Frank could find no hope in it.
On the golf course one day, one of them said, "Frank, did you hear about Tom?"
"He came home last night, found his wife in bed with another man, shot them both and then turned the gun on himself!"
"That's awful," said Frank, "but it could have been worse."
"How in the hell," asked his bewildered friend, "could it have been worse?"
"Well," replied Frank, "if it happened the night before, I'd be dead now!"
DEFINITION OF "SERVICE"
I became confused when I heard the word "Service” being used with these agencies:
1. Internal Revenue "Service".
2. Postal "Service".
3. Telephone "Service".
4. Cable T.V. "Service".
5. Civil "Service".
6. State / Provincial, City, County & Public "Service".
7. Customer "Service".
This is not what I thought "Service" meant.
But, today I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to "Service" a few cows.
BAM !!! It all came into focus.
A tough old cowboy once counselled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a little gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously and he lived to the age of 93.
When he died, he left 14 children, 28 grandchildren, 35 great grandchildren and a fifteen foot hole in the wall of the crematorium.
"First I had angina pectoris, and then arteriosclerosis. As I was recovering, I got psoriasis. Hypodermics was followed by tonsillitis, and lastly they gave me appendectomy."
"Wow!" said his friends."How did you survive?"
"I don't know" said the boy. "Toughest spelling test I've ever had"
One evening, she went home and memorized all the state capitals.
Back in the office the next day, some guy started telling a dumb blonde joke. She interrupted him with a shrill announcement, "I've had it up to here with these blonde jokes. I want you to know that this blonde went home last night and did something probably none of you could do. I memorized all of the state capitals."
One of the guys, of course, said, "I don't believe you. What is the capital of Nevada?"
"N," she answered.
A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman at knife-point and asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money.
The man started sobbing and said, 'You can take anything you want. But please untie the rope and her free.’
Thief: 'You must really love your wife!’
Man: 'Not particularly, but she will be home shortly.
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland, arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb,
..... but all men..are men!
The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur. 'Since you've such a good man and your motorcycles have
changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want to in heaven.'
Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, '
I want to hang out with God.'
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God.
God recognized Arthur and commented, 'Okay, so you were the
one who invented the Harley-Davidson motorcycle?
Arthur said, 'Yeah, that's me...'
God commented: 'Well, what's the big deal in inventing
something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution,
and can't run without a road?'
Arthur was a bit embarrassed, but finally spoke, 'Excuse me,
but aren't you the inventor of woman?'
God said, 'Ah, yes.'
Well,' said Arthur, 'professional to professional, you have
some major design flaws in your invention!
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end suspension
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most rear ends are too soft and wobble about too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. The maintenance costs are outrageous!!!!
'Hmmmmm, you may have some good points there,' replied God,
'hold on.'God went to his Celestial supercomputer, typed in a
few words and waited for the results.The computer printed out
a slip of paper and God read it. 'Well, it may be true that my
invention is flawed,' God said to Arthur, 'but according to these
numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours'.
A man trying to understand the nature of God asked him: "God, how long is a million years to you?"
God answered: "A million years is like a minute."
Then the man asked: "God, how much is a million dollars to you?"
And God replied: "A million dollars is like a penny."
Finally, the man asked: "OK then, could you give me one of your pennies?"
And God said: "In a minute."
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable. When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news & bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because, since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Mary replied "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
Doing nothing is hard work. You never know when you're finished.
A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife. "You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301 . There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left.. With your elbow, hit my doorbell."
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ........
"What . . .. .. You're coming empty handed?"
Three virgin sisters were all getting married within a short time period.
Mum was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started and made them all promise to
send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on their first impressions of marital sex.
The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding.
The card said nothing but: "Nescafe".
Puzzled at first Mum went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.
It said: "Great from beginning to end".
Mum blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent the card from the Maldives a week after the wedding and the card read: "Rothmans".
Mum now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes to read from the pack: "Super strong King Size".
She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.. the third girl departed for her honeymoon in New Zealand.
Mum waited for a week,
Another week went by and still nothing.
A month passed; still nothing.
A card finally arrived from Auckland on which was written with shaky hand, "Air New Zealand ".
Mum took out her latest travel magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst and finally found the ad for Air NZ.
'Ten times a day, seven days a week, in all directions.'
Good thing it wasn’t some other like “Leave the driving to us” or “ The closest thing to home” or better yet...” We do it all for you“ or “ It’s what I eat and what I do”.
Only in America …
• do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage
• do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight
• do we have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering
From RV Newsletter
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