Factory Joke Thread – September 2019

I get thighs with a little help by my hens.

To try to getting back on your feet just miss 2 car payments.

My grandmother is over 80 and still does not need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle

I read that on page 37, paragraph five of the New England Medical Journal on September 15th, 2014 at 10:37 am.

Good One!!

One shop owner asks another, “So, have you had any reactions yet to your ad that you’re looking for a night guard?”

“Yeah, we got robbed tonight.”

The last one is good.

Did you hear about the cucumber that fell into a vat of acid?

It was quite a pickle!

A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $90. The Hilton charges $108. We do it here for $50...and I get $43 back from Medicare.

The shopkeeper tells her they do not sell expensive items to blondes.

After becoming very frustrated with the shopkeepers attitude the blonde declares. FINE ILL JUST GO CATCH AN ALLIGATOR AND GET MY OWN BOOTS!

The shopkeeper replied why don't you just try young lady with a smirk.

So the blonde heads out to the swamp absolutely determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day the shopkeeper drives by and noticed the Young lady waist deep in water with a shotgun in her hands.

He stops and watches as a very large alligator swims right at her. With lighting fast reflexes she throws the gun up and shoots the alligator killing it instantly.

He keeps watching as she drags the alligator to a pile of 6 or 7 more. As he rolls down the window to ask why she needs so many Gators for one pair of boots she rolls it over and shouts.

AHHHH THIS ONES BAREFOOT TOOO!

A man walks into a bar. Slams his hand on the bar and screams "All lawyers are assholes!"....

Angrily, another patron gets up and yells back "Watch your mouth! That is offensive to me!"

The first man responds and laughs "Are you upset because I called you an asshole???!!!"

The angry patron says "No! I'm offended you compared me to a lawyer

A young Nun who worked for a local home health care agency was out making her rounds when she ran out of gas. As luck would have it, there was a gas station just one block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a can with enough gas to start the car and drive to the station for a fill up.

The attendant regretfully told her that the only gas can he loaned had just been loaned out, but if she would care to wait he was sure it would be back shortly.

Since the nun was on her way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

After looking through her car for something to carry to the station to fill with gas,

she spotted a bedpan she was taking to the patient. Always resourceful, she carried it to the station, filled it with gasoline, and carried it back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into the tank of her car, two men watched her from across the street. One of them turned to the other and said, "I know that the Lord turned water into wine, but if that car starts, I'm going to church every Sunday for the rest of my life."

... and say, now you're super angry.

Maybe she laughs.

Maybe you die.

My therapist told me to write letters to the people I hate & then burn them. Did that, but now I don't know what to do with the letters.

There are at least 9 tabs open.

3 of them are frozen.

And there is no clue where the music is coming from.

Flight attended “Just once.”

Why do math teachers make good dancers?
Because they have algorithm.

Math puns are the first sine of madness.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

If a male mathematician sunbathes outside a lot, are they a real tan gent?

I did so much geometry study today that I'm exhausted.
I'm all out of shape.

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, "Why is the bride dressed in white?"

“Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life," her mother tried to explain, keeping it simple.

The child thought about this for a moment, then said, "So why's the groom wearing black?"

For Christmas I want a cure for my dyslexia

Chester sent his dog out to see if there were any ducks in the pond. "If there aren't many ducks out there, I'm not going hunting".

The dog comes back and barks twice. Chester says "Well I'm not going to go out. He only saw two ducks out there"

Earl says "You're going to take the dog's barks for the truth?"

Earl doesn't believe it, so he goes to look for himself. When he gets back he says "I don't believe it. There really are only two ducks out there! Where did you get that dog?"

Chester says "Well, I got him from the breeder up the road. If you want one, you can get one from him"

So Earl goes to the breeder and says he wants a dog like the one his friend Chester has. The breeder obliges and Earl brings the dog home, tells it to go out and look for ducks.

Minutes later the dog returns shaking its head with a stick in its mouth, and starts humping Earl's leg.

Outraged, Earl takes the dog back to the breeder and says "This dog is a fraud. I want my money back!"?

The breeder asks Earl what the dog did. So Earl tells him that when he sent the dog out to look for ducks, it came back shaking its head with a stick in its mouth, and started humping his leg

The breeder says "Earl, dogs can't talk. He was trying to tell you there are more f------g ducks out there than you can shake a stick at.

A circus performer was pulled over by an officer for speeding. As the officer was writing the ticket she noticed several machetes in the car. "What are those for?" she asked suspiciously, "I'm a juggler," the man replied. "I use them in my act." "Well show me," the officer demanded. So he got out the machetes and started juggling them, first three, then more, finally seven at one time, overhand, underhand, behind the back, putting on a dazzling show and amazing the officer. Another car passed by. The driver did a double take and said, "My God. They are really cracking down on drunk drivers. Look at the test they are giving now.

SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER READS:
We will heel you
We will save your sole
We will even dye for you.

A SIGN ON A BLINDS AND CURTAIN TRUCK:
Blind man driving.

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix.

In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels.

On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels

At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
You've come to the right place.

On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed.

On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout.

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts.

In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push.

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.

In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!

At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.

In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.

In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait.

At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank Heaven for little grills.

In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak.

And the best one for last;
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me, too, I didn't know we had a choice."

You read the title wrong

I think she’s hitting on me

In death's agony, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookies wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.

Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled down the stairs.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door-frame, gazing into the kitchen.

Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven: there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture.

His parched lips parted: the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life.

The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

"Stay out of those," she said, "they're for the funeral."

WAR OF 1812 AT WALMART...

Yesterday, I wore my Vietnam Veteran cap to Wal-Mart. There was nothing in particular that I needed at the world's largest retailer; but, since I retired, trips to "Wally World" to look at the Walmartians is always good for some comic relief.

Besides, I always feel pretty normal after seeing some of the people that frequent the establishment. But, I digress, enough of my psychological fixations.

While standing in line to check out, the guy in front of me, probably in his early thirties, asked, "Are you a Vietnam Vet?"

"No," I replied.

"Then why are you wearing that cap?"

"Because I couldn't find the one from the War of 1812."

I thought it was a snappy retort.

"The War of 1812, huh?" the Walmartian queried, "When was that?"

God forgive me, but I couldn't pass up such an opportunity. "1946", I answered, as straight-faced as possible.

He pondered my response for a moment and responded, "Why do they call it the War of 1812 if it was in 1946?"

"It was a Black Op. No one is supposed to know about it." This was beginning to become fun!

"Dude! Really?" He exclaimed. "How did you get to do something that COOOOL?"

I glanced furtively around me for effect, leaned toward the guy and in a low voice said, "I'm not sure. I was the only Caucasian on the mission."

"Dude," he was really getting excited about what he was hearing, "that is seriously awesome! But, didn't you kind of stand out?"

"Not really. The other guys were wearing white camouflage."

"Listen man," I said in a very serious tone, "You can't tell anyone about this. It's still 'top secret' and I shouldn't have said anything."

"Oh yeah?" he gave me the 'don't threaten me look.' "Like, what's gonna happen if I do?"

With a really hard look I said, "You have a family don't you? We wouldn't want anything to happen to them, would we?

"The guy gulped, left his basket where it was and fled through the door. The lady behind me started laughing so hard I thought she was about to have a heart attack. I just grinned at her.

After checking out and going to the parking lot, I saw him leaning in a car window talking to a young woman.

Upon catching sight of me he started pointing excitedly in my direction.

Giving him another 'deadly' serious look, I made the 'I see you' gesture. He turned kind of pale, jumped in the car and sped out of the parking lot.

What a great time! Tomorrow I'm going back, wearing my Homeland Security cap.

Then the next day I will go to the driver's license bureau wearing my Border Patrol hat, and see how long it takes to empty the place.

Whoever said retirement is boring? You just need to wear the right kind of cap!

See you guys at Walmart!!

Good One!!!

A person helping a criminal evade law before he’s arrested is called an accomplice.

A person helping a criminal evade law once he’s been arrested is called a lawyer.

How much does a pirate pay for corn?

A buccaneer.

He wakes up as he’s being rushed through the hospital on a gurney by two nurses.

“Am I in heaven?” asks the disoriented priest.

“No” says one of the nurses. “We’re just taking a short cut through the children’s ward.”

And a lady runs after it but it doesn't see her and keeps going. She keeps following until the driver sees her in his mirror. He stops and shes out of breath

Truck driver: “hey, sorry about that, I didn't see you, what can I get you? “

Out of breath she says “I just wanted to tell you...I'm vegan”.

Nobody ever expects the Spanish ink precision.

What do you call elephants in Antarctica?
.
.
.
.
Cold