This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.
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"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."
There was a grandpa sitting on his porch, rocking in his chair, and chewing on a piece of grass, on a beautiful sunny morning. Down the road comes his grandson, a little 'slow', carrying some chicken wire.
Old man says 'hey junior, what cha gonna do with that there chicken wire?
The boy answers "Well grandpa, Im gonna catch me some chickens".
The grandpa laughs, shakes his head, and dozes off. Next thing you know, back comes his granson with a whole bunch of chickens under his arm.
The grandpa shakes his head and wonders.
Next day, the grandpa is rocking on his porch, and sure enough his grandson comes down the road, carrying 2 rolls of duct tape.
The old man says "hey junior, whatcha gonna do with that duct tape?"
The boy replies, "well grandpa, Im gonna catch me some ducks".
The grandpa laughs again, shakes his head and dozes off. Next thing dont ya know his grandson comes back with a whole bunch of ducks under his arm.
Now the grandpa is like wow, ok, he is lucky I guess.
The next day, the grandpa is rocking away looking down the street and here comes his grandson again.
The grandpa says " hey junior, what cha got under your arm there?
" The boy answers, "well grandpa, I got me some pussy willows".
The grandpa gets up quick off his chair and yells, "hold on junior, let me get my coat."
An 80-year-old man went for his annual check up and the doctor said, "Friend, for your age you're in the best shape I've seen.
"The old man replied, "Yep. It comes from clean living. I know I live a good, clean, spiritual life."
The doctor asked, "What makes you say that?
"The old man replied, "If I didn't live a good, clean life the Lord wouldn't turn the bathroom light on for me every time I get up in the middle of the night.
"The doc was concerned. "You mean when you get up in the night to go to the bathroom, the Lord Himself turns on the light for you?
""Yep," the old man said, "whenever I get up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for me.
"Well, the doctor didn't say anything else, but when the old man's wife came in for her check up, he felt he had to let her know what her husband said. "I just want you to know," the doctor said. "Your husband's in fine physical shape but I'm worried about his mental condition. He told me that every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him.
""He what?" she cried.
"He said every night when he gets up to go to the bathroom, the Lord turns the light on for him."
Aha!" she exclaimed. "So he's the one who's been peeing in the refrigerator!"
Submissions by: Irene
At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position. The director of the winery wondered how to send him away. He gave him a glass to drink.
The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”
"That's correct", said the boss. Another glass...
“This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees. Requires three more years for finest results.”
"Correct." A third glass... "It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly.
The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something. She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it. "It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father."
A young Mexican man named Jose was curious about America so he snuck across the border
He wanted to go see a baseball game so when he went home, he could tell his family all about it. When he got there, the game was sold out, so he decided to climb to the top of a flag pole to get a better look. When he returned home, his family was anxious to hear about his experience: "What happened?" asked his family. "Well, America is the nicest place in the world!!" he said. "Before the game started, all the people in the stands and all the players stood up, looked at me and said, "Jose, can you see?"
In order for all to be correct and not offend our friends in the southern states, henceforth all REDNECK HILLBILLIES will be referred to as Appalachian Americans.
No wait, she's back. She just went to get coffee.
So long boiled water. You will be mist!
Where does the grandson live? Lol
Has to be a small town in the country big city kids don't have time for that kind of stuff LOL
Dear Mum & Dad,
I am well. Hope you're are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin’ on the farm - tell them to get in quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don’t hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin’!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there’s lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!
At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there’s no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don’t get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are dead because we’ve been on a ’route march’ - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!
This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin’ - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a possum’s bum and it don’t move and it’s not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target! You don’t even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don’t have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!
Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it’s not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I’m not a bad boxer either and it looks like I’m the best the platoon’s got, and I’ve only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he’s 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I’m only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin’ wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.
I can’t complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how good it is.
Your loving daughter,
Are you ready to rock?" Scissors: "No."
Maybe adults aren't afraid of monsters under the bed anymore because we know that if we get eaten by one we won't have to go to work the next day.
I'm not sure if I lost my camo pants or if they're just doing a really good job.
Her: "Do you like cats?" Me flipping menu: "What page are you on?"
I'm anti-work but pro-paycheck so you see my dilemma.
A police officer stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
“Officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”
“Just be quiet,” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”
“But, officer, I just want to say–”
“And I said to keep quiet! You’re going to jail!”
A few hours later the officer looked in on his prisoner and said, “Lucky for you, the police chief’s at his daughter’s wedding… He’ll be in a good mood when he gets back.”
“Don’t count on it,” answered the defeated fellow in the cell. “I’m the groom.”
I liked that one
They sit on the same table next to each other. The girl falls asleep on the desk with her head on her arms.
Soon, the leader asks a question, “Who is our lord and saviour?” The boy pulls a drawing pin from the display board and pokes the sleeping girl in the arm. She wakes up with a start and shouts “JESUS CHRIST!”. The leader congratulates her.
After a while, the leader asks another question, “Who created the universe?”. The boy does the same again and pokes the girl in the arm with a drawing pin. She immediately wakes up and yells “LORD GOD!”. The leader congratulates her again.
Before the session ends, the leader asks another question, ”What did Eve say to Adam after their 26th child?”. Nobody raises an arm so the boy pokes her again with the drawing pin. She wakes up with a yelp and screams at the boy, “I SWEAR IF YOU STICK THAT THING IN ME AGAIN I WILL BREAK IT IN HALF AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ARSE!!!”
A man and his family walk into a bar. Inside of the bar, the man's youngest child sees a Native American sitting under a sign stating "World's longest memory".
The child walks up to sign and decides to test if this sign is true.
The child asks, "What did you have for breakfast 30 years ago?"
The Native American states, "eggs."
The child states that the native could have just made that up, and then later leaves the bar.
Years later, when the child returns back with his own family he sees the same native at the bar.
Walking up to the man, he states a stereotypical, "how?!"
The Native replies, "scrambled."
That is a bib oops!
I was gonna tell a chemistry joke but I probably wouldn't get a reaction.
“My memory is gone Mildred, so I changed my password to “Incorrect.” That way when I log in with the wrong password, the computer will tell me… “Your password is incorrect.”
I'll have to remember that little trick as I get older.
An officer running a speed trap stops a car on the interstate for going dangerously slow.
He walks up to the car and sees two very old women. The driver with very thick glasses, and one very pale, wide eyed passenger.
"Ma'am I have to tell you, it's very dangerous going so slow on an interstate."
"What do you mean too slow? The speed limit is 10" as she points to a sign. "See?"
The officer chuckles kind-heartedly and responds, "Ma'am that's the route number, not the speed limit"
The old lady looks embarrassed, but thanks the officer for the correction anyway.
He looks over to the sweating passenger and says, "Is she alright? She's white as a ghost."
She pats her friend on the knee and says, "Oh she'll be alright soon, sir. We just got off of 195."
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.
Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:
Dear Mrs. Harris,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:
June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people’s carts when they weren’t looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women’s restroom.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, ‘Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away’. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
August 14: Moved a ‘CAUTION - WET FLOOR’ sign to a carpeted area.
August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he’d invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, ‘Why can’t you people just leave me alone?’ EMTs were called.
September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ‘ Mission Impossible’ theme.
October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his ‘Madonna look’ by using different sizes of funnels.
October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled ‘PICK ME! PICK ME!’
October 21: When an announcement came over the loudspeaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ‘OH NO! IT’S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!’
And last, but not least:
October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, ‘Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here.’
One of the clerks passed out.
Two statues were standing in the park, one, a nude man and one, a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years.
One day an angel comes down from the sky and with a single gesture, brings the two to life.
The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."
He looks at her. She looks at him. They go running behind the shrubbery.
The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.
The angel looks at his watch. "Um, you have fifteen minutes left… would you care to do it again?"
He asks her, "Shall we?"
She eagerly replies, "Oh! Yes, let's! But we should change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you crap on its head!"
Pretty obvious, since I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.
He tells the barkeep he will buy drinks for everyone there.
The barkeep asks, "Are you sure?"
"I'm positive, the Proton replied.
I wanted to learn to drive a stick shift.
But I couldn't find a manual.
Where do robots go for fun?
I just got kicked out of Karaoke night for singing "Danger Zone" six times in a row.
They said I exceeded my maximum number of Loggins attempts.
Why was the little ink drop crying?
Because his mother was in the pen and he didn't know how long the sentence would be.
❗️ I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,
'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'
To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'
He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
❗️I live in a semi rural area.
We recently had a new neighbor call the local city council office to request the removal of the DEER CROSSING sign on our road.
The reason: 'Too many deers are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street.
I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine.
She asked if I knew what the beeper was for.
I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'
She is a government employee.....
When my wife and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it.
We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.
As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
‘Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!'
His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
They walk among us, they breed, and they vote…....
A lawyer opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the lawyer was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
“Officer, look what they’ve done to my Beemer!” he whined.
“You lawyers are so materialistic, you make me sick!” retorted the officer, “You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!”
“Oh my god,” replied the lawyer, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, “Where’s my Rolex!”
One Monday morning the postman is riding through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.
As he approaches one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.
'Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.
Derek, in obvious pain, replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.’
The postman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play WHO AM I?’
'Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us with only our 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet.
Then the women try to guess who it is.’
The Postman laughs and says, 'Sounds like fun. I'm sorry I missed that.’
'Probably a good thing you did,' Derek responded. 'Your name came up seven times....'
A Tennessee farmer got home after a long day of working in the fields, and was feeling mighty horny. He went to his wife and asked her if she felt like a roll in the hay.
His wife replied, “No Luke, our son will be home from school any minute now.”
“So what?” Luke replied. “We can just turn on the dishwasher and he won’t hear a peep.”
She replied, “No way Luke,” and that was that.
Luke got frustrated and decided to go take a ride on his tractor to let off some steam.
By the time their son had gotten home, the wife had changed her mind. She asked her son to go out to his father and tell him to come home and turn on the dishwasher.
The son went out and told the farmer what the mother had said.
Luke replied, “Tell your mother that it’s too late. I already did the dishes by hand!”
Patient: But there's only seven pills in here! Doctor: Exactly
The cabbie said no problem and starting speeding through the streets. We came up on a yellow light and instead of slowing down, he sped up and shot through the intersection.
I asked "Hey, should you slow down a bit?"
"Don't worry about it. All of my buddies drive this way."
We came up on a red light and again he sped through the intersection.
I'm seriously concerned for my life now "Would you please drive more carefully."
"Don't worry about it. All of my buddies drive this way and we have been fine."
Then we came up on a green light and the cabbie came to a dead stop.
I got curious "Why are you stopped at a green light?"
"Oh, I gotta be careful cause one of my buddies could be driving on the other street."
But my girlfriend insist it says dyslexia
I wonder if I can get the same prescription?
A Native American Chief had three wives, all of whom were pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated that he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.
The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.
Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. "Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"
The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."
It’s more of a wrap ...
Oh , I thought you were going to make it as a round but fell flat,
A husband asks his wife, "Will you re-marry after I die?"
The wife responds, "No, I will live with my younger sister."
The wife asks him back, "Will you re-marry after I die?"
The husband responds, "No, I will live with your younger sister."
My wife was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual Soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The t-shirt that she normally slept in._
As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment!”
My eyes lit up and I thought, “I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!”
Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.
Afterwards she said, “Thanks,” and returned to the stove, Her T-shirt still around her neck.
Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, “What was that all about?”
She explained, “The egg timer’s broken.”
The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary. The three men had always done everything together!
Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”
The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”
The mortician thought this was rather strange. Then he brought Gary in to identify the body.
Gary looked at the body and said, “Yup he’s pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.” The mortician rolled him over and Gary said, “No, it ain’t Bubba.”
The mortician asked, “How can you tell?”
Gary said, “Well, Bubba had two a**holes.”
“What? He had two a**holes?” asked the mortician.
Yup, I’ve never seen ‘em, but everyone knew he had two a**holes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, “Here comes Bubba with those two a**holes!”
Q: Why do chemists call helium, curium, and barium the medical elements?
A: Because if you can't helium or curium, you barium!
A neutron walks into a shop and says,"I"d like a coke."The shopkeeper serves up the coke."How much will that be?" asks the neutron.The shopkeeper replies, "For you? No charge."
Old chemists never die, they just stop reacting.
What show do cesium and iodine love to watch together? CsI
Poor Willie worked in chem lab. Poor Willie is no more. For what he thought was H2O was H2SO4!
A lost dog strays into a jungle. A lion sees this from a distance and says with caution "this guy looks edible, never seen his kind before".
So the lion starts rushing towards the dog with menace. The dog notices and starts to panic but as he's about to run he sees some bones next to him and gets an idea and says loudly "mmm...that was some good lion meat!".
The lion abruptly stops and says " woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can".
Over by the tree top, a monkey witnessed everything. Evidently, the monkey realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion and getting something in return. So the monkey proceeds to tell the lion what really happened and the lion says angrily "get on my back, we'll get him together".
So they start rushing back to the dog. The dog sees them and realized what happened and starts to panic even more. He then gets another idea and shouts "where the hell is that monkey! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago..."
Oh wait sorry this is just for us Russians.
Almost all of them replied, “How the hell did you get in here?”
"Avast, sawbones," he growls, "I wants ye to look at the moles on me back. I think they might be of the cancerin' kind."
The doctor has a look at the pirate's back. "It's OK," he says, "they're benign."
"Arrr... look again," says the pirate, "I'm pretty sure there be ten."
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