This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.
It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.
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"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."
An economist went to a lingerie shop to buy a bra for his wife.
While he proudly announced to the salesgirl that he is an economist, he also confessed that only thing he knows about bra is 'how to unhook', and he really needed some expert help in making the purchase.
The smart salesgirl asked, "Sir, you want a capitalistic, socialistic or democratic bra?"
Of course, the economist was intrigued and he asked, "What are they?"
"Sir, capitalistic suppresses the masses, socialistic uplifts the downtrodden and democratic makes mountains out of molehills."...
It’s OK to borrow a book from the public library once in a while, but try not to overdue it.
I got into a fight with a snail. It was a real slug-fest.
Why doesn't Dracula have any friends?
Because he's a pain in the neck.
What's the best way to get rid of a demon?
Exorcise a lot.
What's a vampire's favorite flavor of ice cream?
So, John decides to come up to me one day - out of the blue - and tries to up his status among the class by picking on the one kid that had no friends - again, me.
“So, I saw your father yesterday.”
This was curious. I knew my father was at work, so it was highly unlikely that John would have happened to cross paths.
“You did?” I asked. “Did you see him… at work?”
“Yes, I did,” John said, haughtily. “And I told him all the embarrassing things that you do in class.”
What an odd way to phrase that, I thought. “Uh huh,” I said. “That’s odd, because he didn’t mention anything last night when he got home.”
“Well, maybe that’s because he was so shocked by what I told him,” John said, doubling down.
“Tell me, John,” I said, slowly. “Did you just run into him at work, or were you a patient?”
John, obviously not expecting this question, answered. “I was a patient.”
I nodded. “That’s interesting, John.”
“Because my father is a gynecologist.”
Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper’s cemetery in the back country. As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn’t know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I’ve never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played ‘Amazing Grace,’ the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, “I never seen nothin’ like that before and I’ve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.”
Apparently, I’m still lost…
Four religious men of the cloth go on a fishing trip
That night in the fish house they decide to confess their greatest sin to each other. The Catholic priest says, "my greatest sin is lust. I look at porn constantly online and when I can I have crazy sex with parishioners." The Rabbi says "my sin is greed. I never give to charities and sometimes steal from the Temple." The Islamic imam says, "my sin is gluttony. At least once a week I go to the liquor store for a six-pack and then head to McDonalds in the middle of the night and get a big bag of Big Macs, Bacon cheese burgers and fries and eat and drink it all while sitting in the parking lot." The Baptist minister says, "My greatest sin is gossip and I can't wait to get back to town!"
Blonde Thanksgiving It was the first time the blonde was eating Thanksgiving dinner without her family. Trying to re-enact the tradition, she prepared a dinner for herself alone. The next day, her mother called to see how everything went. "Oh, mother, I made myself a lovely dinner, but I had so much trouble trying to eat the turkey!" said the daughter. "Did it not taste good?" her mother asked. "I don't know," the blonde said. "It wouldn't sit still!"
Two old people are sitting on a bench. One turns to the other and says, "My butt fell asleep."
The other says, Yep, I heard it snore a couple of times."
Never give a turkey a fair chance...lol
He asks the first police officer he sees, "Why am I here?"
"For drinking," replies the officer.
"Great," says the man, "when do we start?"
Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return her Father cursed her heavily.
'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'
The girl, crying, replied, Dad... I became a prostitute.'
'Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family.'
'OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a 5 million savings certificate. For me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for ye Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club ... (takes a breath) ... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera.'
'What was it ye said ye had become?' says Dad.
Girl, crying again, 'A prostitute, Daddy!.'
'Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug !!!
Good stuff as always! Thanks everyone!
An oldie, but a goodie and still relevant...lol
A marine drill sergeant fancied a round of golf one day and headed out to his favorite links. Waiting on the first tee, he noticed an air force commander, also waiting on the first tee and also alone. Both being in the armed forces, they decided to play together.
It wasn’t long before they were talking about work. They shared boot camp stories, war memories, and jokes about new recruits. It went this way until about the third hole, when the marine sergeant was finishing a story about a runaway tank and said, “And you know that the marines are the bravest men in the armed forces.”
The air force commander dropped his putter, “Just what do you mean by that?” he challenged.
“Well,” the sergeant went on, “who do you send to take new territory? Who do you send in when you’re out numbered? Who gets the call for the most covert operations?”
The air force commander putted out, and angrily he said, “Well, while you are hiding in the bushes, who is a clear target in the sky? Who do you call for support when you’re losing? And who is always sent in during a losing battle? Sir, the men of the air force are the bravest men.”
This argument lasted for the rest of the round. Both men swearing their men were the bravest, and each had stories to tell to back up their claims.
After finishing, they headed to the club house for a beer, still debating the matter. Finally, the marine sergeant stood and said, “I’ve got to head back to camp. Play again next week?”
To this, the air force commander said, “Well, I must apologize, it seems I was mistaken. Anyone who played like you did today, and is willing to come back to the same golf course is a much braver man than myself!”
Doctor: "I'm sorry but you have only 10 to live."
Patient: "What do you mean? 10 what? Years?! Months?!"
A police station got two new horses, and two cops were assigned to be mounted police officers. They went on a ride and came back pleased.
“This horse is great! From now on I’ll always take this one,” said the first cop.
“My horse’s great too. So I’ll always take it too,” replied the second cop.
“But how do we know which is which?”
They thought about it for a minute or two, until one of them came up with an idea. “Let’s shorten this one’s tail!”
The other cop agreed, and they gave the horse’s tail a thorough trimming.
The next morning, they found the police chief standing in front of the horses looking really mad. The two officers asked him what was wrong.
“You two morons shortened this beautiful horse’s tail, that’s what’s wrong!”
“But otherwise, we couldn’t tell them apart,” one of the cops protested.
To which the chief angrily replied, “Can’t you see the black one is a bit taller than the brown one?!”
Pharmacist to customer: "Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription. Simply showing your marriage license and wife's picture is not enough!"
A new small business was opening and one of the owner's friends arranged for flowers to be sent to mark the occasion and wish the owner luck.The flowers duly arrived at the new business site and the business owner read the accompanying card to find it said, "Rest in Peace." The business owner rang his friend and told him what the card read. The friend was angry and called the florist to complain.
After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry, you should consider this: Somewhere there's a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, 'Congratulations on your new location.'"
Yesterday at work, I saw someone being horrifically inefficient and told him, “Dude that is definitely slowing you down.” He replied, “Well yea it is, but I’m in the kitchen remodeling business so I’m supposed to be counter productive.”
An employee goes to see his supervisor. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff." "Sorry, but we're short-handed," the boss replies. "I can’t give you the day off." "Thanks, boss," says the employee. "I knew I could count on you!"
little girl asked her Mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?” Mom replies, “No, because she is in heat.”
“What’s that mean?” asked the child. “Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”
The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.”
Dad said, “Bring Belle over here.” He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it to disguise the scent, and said, “OK, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time round the block.”
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, “Where’s Belle?”
The little girl said, “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, another dog is pushing her home.”
Over the radio, Hitler announced that Germany was now going to war with the United States.
“Father, where is the United States,” Hans asked.
His father pointed at a map towards North America.
“Aren’t we currently at war with Russia? Where might that be,” he questioned his father.
The man pointed towards the Soviet Union.
“And I’m told we’re also at war with the British Empire. Where is that?”
The father pointed out all of the territories owned by the British.
“Where is Germany again, Father?”
He pointed to their home country in Central Europe.
Hans pondered this information for a second. “One last question, Father.”
“Has Hitler seen this map?”
An out-of-work actor gets a call from his agent one day. "I’ve got you a job," says his agent. "That’s great," says the actor, what is it?" "Well," says his agent, "it’s a one-liner" "That’s okay," replies the actor, "I’ve been out of work for so long I’ll take anything. What’s the line?" "Hark, I hear the cannons roar" says the agent. "I love it" says the actor "When’s the audition?" "Wednesday" says the agent. Wednesday comes and the actor arrives at the audition. He marches on stage and shouts: "Hark, I hear the cannons roar". "Brilliant," says the director, "you’ve got the job. Be here 9 o’clock Saturday evening." The actor is so happy he got the job that he goes on a major bender. He wakes up at 8:30 Saturday evening and runs to the theatre continually repeating his line; "Hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar, hark, I hear the cannons roar." He arrives at the stage entrance, out of breath and is stopped by the guard. "Who the hell are you?" asks the guard. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar." "If you’re "hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Get up to makeup right now!" So he runs up to makeup. "Who the hell are you" asks the makeup girl. "I’m "hark I hear the cannons roar."" "If you’re hark I hear the cannons roar", you’re late. Sit down here." And she applies the makeup. "Now quick, get down to the stage, you’re about to go on." He dashes down to the stage. "Who the hell are you?" asks the stage manager. "I’m "hark, I hear the cannons roar."" "You’re "hark, I hear the cannons roar?" Get out there, the curtain’s about to go up." He tears onto the stage. The curtains rise, the house is full. Suddenly there is an almighty bang behind him, and the actor shouts "WHAT THE F**K WAS THAT?"
candle flames smell just like burnt nose hair
Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.'
They got up, unplugged the computer and threw out the wine!!
The little bastards.
I caught a really bad case of the flu in Madrid.
Whilst sniffling and coughing and rolling around in the hotel bed, I realised I needed medical attention, so I called the concierge to get help.
"Oh, so you're sick!" came the reply. "Not a problem, we'll send our very own hotel doctor up to your room right away!"
The doctor strolled into the room within seconds, and whilst I stuttered and tried to comprehend the situation, he gave me some medicine to ease the symptoms. When I finally stammered out "h...how does the hotel have their own doctor on call?", he simply shook his head and cracked a smile, and replied:
"Nobody expects the Spanish inn physician."
when the engine breaks down. Every mechanic on staff tries everything they can think of to get it running, but no luck. Desperate, the captain begins asking passengers if there's any mechanics on board. A retired old salt steps forward and says "I have 50 years experience as a navy mechanic, maybe I can help". They show him the engine, and after looking it over for a few minutes, he grabs a ball peen hammer, walks over to one of many pipes jutting from the engine and taps it with the hammer. The engine roars back to life, humming like the first day it was used. The captain thanks the man profusely and says "just write up a bill and I'll personally see to it you're compensated for saving this voyage". The old salt scribbles on a slip of paper and hands it to the captain. It says: hit engine with hammer- $10,000. The captain is outraged. "I appreciate what you've done, but how can you possibly justify that price for just hitting the engine with a hammer"? The old salt grabs the paper, scribbles some more and hands it back. Now it says: Hitting engine with hammer - $5. Knowing exactly where to hit engine with hammer - $9,995.
What did the 0 say to the 8?
One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Joey standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque.
It was covered with names and had small United States flags mounted on both sides of it.
The six-year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, “Good morning, Joey.”
“Good morning Father,” he replied, still focused on the plaque. “Father, what is this?”
The pastor said, “Well son, it’s a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”
Soberly, they just stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Joey’s voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked, “Which service, the 8:30 or the 10:30?”
Things I've learned from being born and reared in the tar heel state.
Opossums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.
There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in North Carolina.
There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in North Carolina, plus a
couple no one's seen before.
Unknown critters love to dig holes under tomato plants.
If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls; it bites.
A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.
Onced and Twiced are words.
It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.
People actually grow and eat okra.
Fixinto is one word.
There is no such thing as "lunch". There's only dinner and then there's supper.
Sweet Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're 2.
Backwards and forwards means I know everything about you.
More about North Carolinians...
1. You measure distance in minutes.
2. You've had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.
3. You know what a 'tar heel' is.
4. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it, no
matter what time of the year.
5. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store.
6. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable,
grain, insect or animal.
7. You carry jumper cables in your car... for your OWN car.
8. You know what "cow tipping" is.
9. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, Texas Pete and catchup.
10.The local papers cover national and international news on one page but
requires 6 pages for local gossip and sports.
11. You think that the first day deer season is a national holiday.
12. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm"
13.You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and
14. You know whether another North Carolinian is from east, west, or middle
North Carolina as soon as they open their mouth or by the barbecue they eat.
15. Going to Wal-mart is a favorite past time known as "going wal-martin" or
off to"Wally World"
16. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop...it's a Coke,
regardless of brand or flavor, Example: "What kinda coke you want?"
17. Fried Catfish is the other white meat.
Two executives were deep in a Highland forest, on an adventure weekend
arranged by their firm. Neither had any real map-reading skills and they
became separated from the other members of their team. All they knew was
that the final rendezvous point was a remote pub called, 'The Wee Stump
They trudged through the woods for hours, hopelessly lost until they came
to what looked like a fork in the forestry trail. They couldn't agree on
which path to take. Eventually, they decided to take one path each. They
shook hands and resolved that the last man back to the pub would pay for
Four hours later, the man that chose the correct fork was sitting at the
pub fireside, enjoying his pint, when his friend staggered in. He was cut,
bleeding, battered and bruised as if he had been mugged by a rugby team.
Once the men in the pub got the man settled, he explained, "I must have
gone around in circles for hours, until I heard the sound of an idling car
engine. I headed toward the sound and found a car in a clearing at the end
of what looked like a 'lovers lane'. The car was all steamed up and I
couldn't see who was inside, but I could hear more than one voice. So, I
thought that I could ask for directions and I knocked on the driver's
window. Now, the man in the car must have been a complete psychopath,
because as soon as I asked him, 'How far is the Wee Stump Inn?' he jumped out of the car and beat the s**t out of me!"
A very traditional elderly woman was enjoying
a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one
evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix
dinner for my husband! He's going to really ticked
if it's not ready on time!" she exclaimed suddenly.
When she got home, she realized that she didn't
have enough time to go to the supermarket, and
all she had in the cupboard was a wilted lettuce
leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. In a panic,
she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the
egg, and garnished it with the lettuce leaf just
as her husband pulled up.
She greeted her husband and then watched in
horror as he sat down to his dinner. To her surprise,
the husband really enjoyed his dinner. "Darling,
this is the best dinner you have made for me
in forty years of marriage. You can make this
for me any old day."
Needless to say, every bridge night from then
on, the woman made her husband the same dish.
She told her bridge cronies about it and they
were all horrified.
"You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed.
Two months later, her husband died.
The women were sitting around the table playing
bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed
him! We told you that feeding him that cat food
every week would do him in! How can you just
sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you
murdered your husband?"
The wife stoically replied, "I didn't kill
him. He fell off the mantel while he was cleaning
It's the day before Thanksgiving, and the butcher is just locking up when a man begins pounding on the front door."Please let me in," says the man desperately. "I forgot to buy a turkey, and my wife will kill me if I don't come home with one.""Okay," says the butcher. "Let me see what I have left." He goes into the freezer and discovers that there's only one scrawny turkey left. He brings it out to show the man."That's one is too skinny. What else you got?" says the man.The butcher takes the bird back into the freezer and waits a few minutes and brings the same turkey back out to the man."Oh, no," says the man, "That one doesn't look any better. You better give me both of them!"
A man buys a parrot, only to have it constantly insult him. He tries everything to make the parrot stop, but nothing works. Frustrated, the man puts the parrot in the freezer. After a few minutes the insults stop. The man thinks he might have killed the parrot, so he opens the freezer and takes the parrot out. The parrot is shivering. It stammers, “S-s-sorry for being r-r-rude. Please f-f-forgive me.” Then, after a moment, the parrot softly asks, “W-w-what exactly d-d-did the turkey do?”
Thanksgiving Dinner on the run. A woman called a phone number to find out how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird weighed. The woman responded, "I don't know, it's still running around outside."
Q: What sound does a space turkey make?
A: Hubble, Hubble, Hubble.
YOu know what, I didn't believe it at first but they do!
It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000.
He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.
An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”
The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”
“That’s a lot of money,” says the old man. “Why does it cost so much?”
“Because this car can do up to 250 miles an hour!” states the doctor proudly.
The moped driver asks, “Mind if I take a look inside?”
“No problem,” replies the doctor.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around.
Then, sitting back on his moped, the old man says, “That’s a pretty nice car, all right, but I’ll stick with my moped!”
Just then the light changes, so the doctor decides to show the old man just what his car can do.
He floors it, and within 30 seconds, the speedometer reads 150 mph.
Suddenly, he notices a dot in his rear view mirror – what it could be…and suddenly…
Something whips by him going much faster!
“What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?” the doctor asks himself.
He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to 175 mph.
Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it’s the old man on the moped!
Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari, he gives it more gas and passes the moped at 210 mph.
He’s feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and sees the old man gaining on him AGAIN!
Astounded by the speed of his old guy, he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all the way up to 250 mph.
Not ten seconds later, he sees the moped bearing down on him again!
The Ferrari is flat out, and there’s nothing he can do!
Suddenly, the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the rear end.
The doctor stops and jumps out and , unbelievably, the old man is still alive.
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, “Oh my gosh! Is there anything I can do for you?”
The old man whispers, “Unhook my suspenders from your side mirror.”
A tough old cowboy from Texas counseled his granddaughter that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gun powder on her oatmeal every morning.
The granddaughter did this religiously until the age of 103, when she died.
She left behind 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great-grandchildren, 25 great-great-grandchildren, and a 40-foot hole where the crematorium used to be.
Probably didn't have to pay the bill either...lol
You're riding a horse full speed. There's a giraffe next to you and a lion chasing you, what do you do?
Get your drunk ass off the carousel.
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