Factory Joke Thread – August 2018

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

Please read the forum rules before posting.

"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."

~Angela

Page 1>>

Jokes to Play onPeople

Hold Up Your Credit Cards!
Back in the days of the Mattel Cabbage Patch Kid craze it was usually very hard to get one for the kiddies.

A radio station (I don't know where) announced that Mattel was going to get Cabbage Patch Kids out to the people of this particular city.

The plan was that they had to go to the football field of the local university and wait. An airplane would fly overhead and the dolls would be dropped onto the field.

People were supposed to hold their credit cards up so that a photographer with a telephoto lens in the airplane could get the credit card numbers and charge the price of the dolls to the recipients' accounts.

People actually showed up, waving American Express cards in the breeze.

Cleaning the Phone Lines!
One radio station prank took place on April Fool's Day. They announced that the phone company would be cleaning the dirt out of the phone lines that afternoon. They do this, it seems, by blowing air into the wires in the switching station. The problem is that the dirt comes out of the earpiece and mouthpiece of the telephone and could dirty the rugs or furniture in your house.

Consequently, the phone company asks that the good citizens please get plastic bags and put them over the handsets of the telephones to protect their belongings.

Stores reported a run on plastic bags, and the phone company made the radio station retract the original claim.

Draining a Beer Truck
KFMB-AM, a San Diego radio station, announced that a beer truck had jack-knifed and could not be towed away until the beer had been removed from its tank.

Over 100 people showed up at the site where the accident was supposed to have occurred to help drain it.

and last but not least...

Who are the biggest "Fools" of them all?
Can you imagine working at this outfit. It has a little over 500 employees with the following statistics:

29 have been accused of spousal abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

19 have been accused of writing bad checks

117 have bankrupted at least two businesses

3 have been arrested for assault

71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21 are current defendants in lawsuits

In 1998 alone, 84 were stopped for drunk driving.

Yes, you guessed it! It's the 535 members of the United States Congress. The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws designed to keep the rest of us in line.

From Jokes a Day

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

texting

Daddy, I am coming home to get married, soon. Get out your check book. LOL
I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Australia , and he lives in Scotland . We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of relationship through Viber.
My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding."

Lots of love and thanks, Your favorite daughter,

Lilly Dad's reply ....also texting

My Dear Lilly: Like Wow! Really? Cool!
Whatever....., I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through Paypal.
And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on Ebay.

Joey moves to a nudist colony

Joey moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of him in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and mails it. The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the bottom half of the photo.

He is extremely worried but then remembers that his grandmother's eyesight is poor and hopes that she doesn't notice.

A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It reads

Dear Joey

Thank you for the picture. May I suggest that you get a haircut, your hair makes your nose look small.

Love Grandma

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

What do you call a fake noodle?

An impasta!

LEAVE HERE WITH A LAUGH

I adopted a cute dog and named him Threemiles. It sounds great to say I walk Threemiles twice a day.

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

She Had It Coming

Two couples are playing cards. John accidentally drops some cards on the floor.

When he bends down under the table to pick them up, he notices that Bill’s wife isn’t wearing any underwear.

Later, John goes into the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill’s wife follows him and asks, “Did you see anything that you liked under there?”

John admits that he did. She says, “You can have it, but it will cost you $100.”

They decide that John should come to her house around 2 P.M. on Friday while Bill is at work.

On Friday, John arrives at 2 p.m. He pays Bill’s wife $100. They go to the bedroom, have sex and then John leaves.

When Bill comes home at 6 P.M., he asks his wife, “Did John come by this afternoon?”

Reluctantly, she replies, “Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes.”
Next Bill asks, “Did he give you $100?”

“Oh hell, he knows!” she thinks to herself. Finally, she admits, “Well, yes, he did give me $100.”

“Good,” Bill says. “John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back

Groaners

I asked my French friend if she likes to play video games. She said, “Wii.”

Yesterday, a clown held the door open for me. It was such a nice jester!

The machine at the coin factory just suddenly stopped working, with no explanation. It doesn’t make any cents!

Did you hear about the auto body shop that just opened? It comes highly wreck-a-mended.

Q. What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo? A. A hippo is really heavy, and a Zippo is a little lighter.

SENIORS

SENIORS

Yesterday I got my permit to carry a concealed weapon. So, today I went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a 9 mm handgun for home/personal protection.
When I was ready to pay for the pistol and ammo, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!
As a senior citizen, I do not get flustered often, but this time it took me awhile to get my pants back on.
I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.

Livid

I'm so mad I failed a math exam because I couldn’t remember how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6, and 500 as Roman numerals.
In fact, I'M LIVID.

Darn!!!

Must be getting old. I forgot the joke.

--
"In order to be old and wise, one first must have been young and stupid."

The After Life

*dies
*becomes ghost
*weighs self

"OH COME ON!"

--
Tampa, FL - Garmin nüvi 660 (Software Ver 4.90), 2019.20 CN NA NT maps | Magellan Meridian Gold

New Pastor

A new pastor was visiting the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door. Therefore, he took out a card and wrote "Revelation 3:20" on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card had been returned. Added to it was this cryptic message, Genesis 3:10."

Reaching for his Bible to check out the citation, he broke up in gales of laughter.

Revelation 3:20 begins "Behold, I stand at the door and knock." Genesis 3:10 reads, "I heard your voice in the garden and I was afraid, for I was naked."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Kidnapper:

Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.

Wife: actually I’m holding my son.

Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?

Wife: oh god.

Kidnapper: what?

Wife. you have my husband.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Six Pack

Steve, Bob and Jeff are out golfing on a cloudy day when it starts raining furiously.

Suddenly, Steve is struck by lightning and is killed instantaneously. After the ambulance leaves with Steve’s body, Bob and Jeff realize they’ll have to inform his wife. Bob says he’s good at this sort of sensitive stuff, so he volunteers to do the job.

After two hours he returns to the 19th hole carrying a six-pack of beer.

“So, did you tell her?” asks Jeff.

“Yep,” replies Bob.

“Say, where did you get the six pack?”

Bob informs Jeff, “She gave it to me.”

“What?!?” exclaims Jeff, “You just told her that her husband died and she gave you a six pack?”

“Sure,” Bob says.

“Why?” asks Jeff.

“Well,” Bob continues, “when she answered the door, I asked her, ‘are you Steve’s widow?’

“‘Widow?’ she said, ‘No, no, you’re mistaken, I’m not a widow!’

“So I said, ‘I’ll bet you a six pack you are!’”

LEAVE HERE WITH A LAUGH

LEAVE HERE WITH A LAUGH
Did you know that you can’t RUN through a primitive campground? You can only RAN since it’s past tents!
Thanks to reader Rich H. for this laugh!

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

His Last Wishes

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and two sons, are with him.

He asks for two witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.

When all is ready he begins to speak.

"My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Ocean Reef houses."

"My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments between mile markers 100 and Tavernier."

"My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the Marathon Government Center."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the bay side on Blackwater Sound."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says:

"Mrs. Pender, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property.

The wife replies,

"The idiot has a paper route".

Now this makes sense...

Gotta keep those Millennials on their toes.

geo334 wrote:

Daddy, I am coming home to get married, soon. Get out your check book. LOL
I'm in love with a boy who is far away from me. I am in Australia , and he lives in Scotland . We met on a dating website, became friends on Facebook, had long chats on Whatsapp, he proposed to me on Skype, and now we've had two months of relationship through Viber.
My beloved and favorite Dad, I need your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding."

Lots of love and thanks, Your favorite daughter,

Lilly Dad's reply ....also texting

My Dear Lilly: Like Wow! Really? Cool!
Whatever....., I suggest you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through Paypal.
And when you get fed up with this new husband, sell him on Ebay.

LEAVE HERE WITH A LAUGH

“Granny, why do you read obituaries every day?”
“Don’t worry, grandson. I just want to see who is single again.”

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

bull

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth. Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him ............ but they kind of taste like peppermint.

GOTTA LOVE THIS DOCTOR!

GOTTA LOVE THIS DOCTOR!
Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food are fried these day in vegetable oil. In fact, they permeated by it. How could getting more vegetable be bad for you?!?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for your figure, explain whale to me..

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!
Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans..

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Golden Rat

A man walked into an old antiques store in San Francisco, and after browsing for a few minutes, saw a small, golden statue of a rat.
He took it to the old man at the register and asked how much it cost. The old man told him it was $1,000 for the statue, and another $1,000 for the story that went with it.
The man said he didn't want the story, but bought the rat, took it to his car, and started to drive home.
After only a few blocks, he noticed that the street in his rear view mirror looked strange - like it was moving.
After a few more blocks, he realized the strange movement was thousands upon thousands of rats following his car.
He sped up and tried to lose them, but they were pouring in from all the sides streets as well. In a desperate panic, he headed for the Golden Gate bridge, hoping to bottle-neck the flood of rats, but half way across, he was stopped by just as many rats coming from the other side.
He jumped out of the car, grabbed the statue, and threw it off the bridge.
All the rats coming from both sides followed the statue into the water and drowned.
The man went back to the antiques shop.
When the old man at the register looked up and saw him, he said, "I knew you'd be back for the story."
But the man replied, "I'm not here for the story, I came back to see if you have a golden statue of a lawyer."

Why Men Wear Earrings

Why Men Wear Earrings
Did you ever wonder why earrings became so popular with men?

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring.
The man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow,
and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense"

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to ask,
"So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my car."
(I always wondered how this trend got started)

Fun Puns

Atoms are untrustworthy little critters. They make up everything!

The past, the present, and the future walk into a bar… It was tense.

An atom loses an electron… it says, “Man, I really gotta keep an ion them.”

I had to clean out my spice rack and found everything was too old and had to be thrown out. What a waste of thyme.

6:30 is the best time on a clock… hands down.

Joke of the Week

Joke of the Week
Two guys were out walking their dogs on a hot day when they pass by a pub. The first guy says, “Let’s go in there for a pint.” Second guy says, “They won’t let us in with our dogs.” First guy: “Sure they will, just follow my lead.” He goes up to the door and sure enough the doorman says, “I can’t let you in here with that dog.” He replies, “Oh, I’m blind and this is my seeing eye dog.” The doorman says, “OK then, come on in.” The second guy sees this and does the same thing. He goes up to the door and the doorman says, “You can’t come in here with a dog.” He replies, “I’m blind and this is my seeing eye dog.” The doorman responds, “You have a chihuahua for a seeing eye dog?” The second guy stops for a second then exclaims, “They gave me a chihuahua?”

From RVtravel news letter

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

The dying old man

An old dying man invites 3 of his friends to his deathbed and asks a favor..
He says, "We've been as brothers for longer than I can remember, and while I was not rich in life, I would like to bring some wealth with me as I die. If you could each leave $5,000 in my coffin, it would bring me great peace."

The three men saw no fault in this, as they were all very rich, and all upstanding members of their respective communities.

Jim was a devout, aging Catholic, and he brought the five thousand in large bills, so as not to occupy much space in the coffin. He later told the members of his congregation, and oh how they lauded him on his selflessness to ease the mind of a dying friend.

Michael was a converted Muslim, and he feared that the dead had no use for paper money, so he converted the five thousand into gold for his friend, leaving the ingots next to the bills. He felt a great warmth inside of him, a feeling that can only be brought about by a good, charitable deed.

David was born Jewish, but wasn't so devout as many of his colleagues. He refused to buck off the stereotype and worked as a moneylender, a loan agent. Because of this, he understood how exchange rates worked and how trying to convert 3 different types of money to one may be hard for a man with little experience handling cash. Therefore, he wrote a check for fifteen thousand dollars, and took the gold and bills as change. He left his friend's side with such a great smile, he must have known the time he'd saved him in the afterlife.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

An Irish daughter

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily. "Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?""

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad...I became...a prostitute."

"Ye what!!? Get outta here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family."

"OK, Dad, as ye wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a $2 million savings certificate.

For me little brother, this gold Rolex, And for ye, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."

"Now what was it ye said ye had become?" asks Dad.

The girl, crying again answered, "Sniff, sniff...a prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff."

"Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a Protestant. Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!!!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

So aliens from Mars comes down to Earth...

...And they're friendly! The leaders of the world and the aliens plan a huge televised event where the leaders can ask questions on whatever they want.

During this event, the pope is up to talk to the aliens.

"I know this question may sound odd to you gentlemen," the pope starts to ask, "but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?"

"Jesus Christ?!?" the alien leader exclaims, "how do we not! He swings by our planet every two years or so. Awesome guy!"

Now this obviously starts a huge debate within the UN, as this information now has implications to everything they knew. The pope, however, is not exactly a happy person as his brain is on other information.

"EVERY TWO YEARS OR SO?!?" The pope exclaims, "We've still been waiting for his SECOND coming!"

Trying to calm down the pope, the aliens say "Well maybe he didn't like your chocolate."

The pope, upon hearing this news, takes a few moments to calm down. When he finally regains his composure, he states calmly, "Forgive me, but what does chocolate have anything to do with this?"

The aliens respond, "Well when he was on our planet, we would give him huge boxes of chocolates. Why, what did you guys do when he was here?"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

An Irish Daughter

Good One!

So aliens from Mars comes down to Earth...

Touche! O:-)

--
Freedom isn't free...thank you veterans! Heard about the tests to detect PANCREATIC CANCER? There aren't any! In Memoriam: #77 NYPD-SCA/Seattle Mike/Joe S./Vinny D./RTC...and God bless Donald Trump!

good ones

happy monday

Golf Trip

Four guys have been going on the same golf trip to St Andrews for many years. Two days before the group is scheduled to leave, Jack’s wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn’t going.

Jack’s buddies are very upset that he can’t go, but what can they do?

Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up!

“Wow, Jack, how long have you been here, and how did you talk your wife into letting you go?” one of the buddies asked.

“I got in last night,” Jack said. “Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, ‘Guess who?’

“I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing some lingerie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. She’s been reading 50 Shades of Grey and on the bed she had handcuffs and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did.

“Then she said, ‘Do whatever you want,’ so I did.”

The beginning

Why did God make man before He made woman?

Because he didn’t want any advice on how to do it.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Can't think of a good reply for this

Timantide wrote:

Why did God make man before He made woman?

Because he didn’t want any advice on how to do it.

Just thinking, this might be true.smile

--
Mary, Nuvi 2450, Garmin Viago, Honda Navigation, Nuvi 750 (gave to son)

Or you might say ...

mgarledge wrote:
Timantide wrote:

Why did God make man before He made woman?

Because he didn’t want any advice on how to do it.

Just thinking, this might be true.smile

He got it right on the second attempt. wink

--
Alan - Android Auto, DriveLuxe 50LMTHD, Nuvi 3597LMTHD, Oregon 550T, Nuvi 855, Nuvi 755T, Lowrance Endura Sierra

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Wish

alandb wrote:
mgarledge wrote:
Timantide wrote:

Why did God make man before He made woman?

Because he didn’t want any advice on how to do it.

Just thinking, this might be true.smile

He got it right on the second attempt. wink

Wish I had thought of that.
Although, my husband is always saying "I don't need any advice"
grin

--
Mary, Nuvi 2450, Garmin Viago, Honda Navigation, Nuvi 750 (gave to son)

The Ventriloquist and the Blonde

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town.

He’s going through his usual run of “dumb blonde” jokes, when a blond woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting.

“I’ve heard just about enough of your denigrating blond jokes, jerk. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way?

“What does the color of a woman’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

“It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, all in the name of humor.”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde says:

“You stay out of this, Mister! I’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

The trip to Rome

A couple want to have children but the wife can't get pregnant
...so they go to see a priest for advice. The priest tells them they came at the right time, since his superior just sent him to Rome for 10 years, and he's leaving tomorrow.
'As soon as I'll get there, I'll immediately light a candle for you,' he promises.
Time passes and the priest returns to the little town after 10 years. The first thing he does is visit the couple's home. He can hear a crazy loud noise when he knocks on the door. The wife opens the door; three little children on her arms, a couple of them hiding under her skirt, and others behind her playing around. The priest counts as many as ten of them!
'Well this is quite a pleasant surprise,' exclaims the priest. 'It seems like God listened to my prayer. But where is your dear husband?'
'My husband traveled to Rome,' says the wife with a tired look on her face.
'To Rome? Why on earth would he go to Rome?'
'To blow out that bloody candle you lit!'

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Pun-Tastic

Q. What do you call a well dressed Arab Patriarch?
A. A chic Sheik.

Two windmills are standing in a wind farm. One asks, “What’s your favorite kind of music?” The other says, “I’m a big metal fan.”

Shout out to the people who ask what the opposite of “in” is.

I’m only friends with 25 letters of the alphabet. I don’t know Y.

Q. What sound does a sleeping T-Rex make?
A. A dino-snore.

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Marital Misunderstanding

Wife's Diary:

Tonight, I thought my husband was acting weird. We had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for dinner.

I was shopping with my friends all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment on it.

Conversation wasn't flowing, so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he didn't say much.

I asked him what was wrong; He said, "nothing."

I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset.

He said he wasn't upset, that it had nothing to do with me, and not to worry about it.

On the way home, I told him that I loved him.

He smiled slightly and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior. I don't know why he didn't say, “I love you, too.”

When we got home, I felt as if I had lost him completely, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there quietly, and watched TV. He continued to seem distant and absent.

Finally, with silence all around us, I decided to go to bed. About 15 minutes later, he came to bed. But I still felt that he was distracted, and his thoughts were somewhere else.

He fell asleep; I cried.

I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.

Husband's Diary:

A one-foot putt.. Who the hell misses a one-foot putt?

I have never heard of anyone

I have never heard of anyone missing a one foot putt! lol

Of course I have never been as close as that...

You gotta love Bill!

Debbie, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church’s morals, kept sticking her nose into other people’s business. Several members did not approve of her extra-curricular activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Bill, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town’s only bar one afternoon.

She emphatically told Bill and several others that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing. Bill, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn’t explain, defend, or deny. He said nothing.

Later that evening, Bill quietly parked his pickup in front of Debbie’s house…………. and left it there all night.

How many of you forgave your enemies?

During Sunday mass, the priest asked the crowd:

-"How many of you forgave your enemies?"

Around 80% of them raised their hands. The priest then asked: "And how many of you intend to forgive your enemies?", and almost everyone's hand was now in the air. Everyone except a feeble, old lady in the front row.

-"Ms. Rogers, don't you intend on forgiving your enemies?"

-"I don't have any!", she replied through a chuckle.

-"Ms. Rogers, that's very unusual, how old are you?"

-"98", she proclaimed.

-"Oh, ms. Rogers, why don't you come up and share the secret with everyone? How does someone live to be 98 and no enemies?"

She walked up and gave everyone a polite smile before answering: -"I outlived the bitches."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Two farmers are walking through a field...

Two farmers are walking through a field and come across a huge sinkhole in the ground.

“Wow!” says the first farmer, “I wonder how far down this thing goes.”

He takes a penny from his pocket and throws it into the sinkhole. The two farmers listen, but they never hear it hit the bottom.

The second farmer picks up a large rock off the ground and throws it into the sinkhole

Again, both farmers listen, but they never hear the rock hit the bottom.

The second farmer spies an anvil a few feet away, and together the two farmers struggle to haul the anvil over to the sinkhole. They throw it in, and listen, but it never seems to hit the bottom.

The farmers turn to leave, when all of a sudden, a goat comes speeding towards them at 30 miles an hour, and jumps straight into the sinkhole.

As they are leaving, a third farmer runs towards them, waving his hands.

“Have either of you seen a goat?” he asks frantically.

“Yes,” says the first farmer, “In fact, a goat just came galloping through the field and jumped right into that sinkhole there.”

“Impossible!” says the third farmer, “I had him tied to an anvil!”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A man goes to a funeral and asks the widow:

Mind if I say a word?" She says: "Please do." The man clears his throat and says: "Plethora." The widow replies: "Thanks, that means a lot."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Odds and End

A city in Alaska passed a law outlawing all dogs. It became known as Dogless Fairbanks.

Which famous golfer loves to drink wine? Litre Vino.

Archeaologist: a person whose career lies in ruins.

Q: What's the difference between an angry circus owner and a Roman barber?
A: One is a raving showman, and the other is a shaving Roman.

In ancient Rome, deli workers were told that they could eat anything they wanted during the lunch hour. Anything, that is except the smoked salmon. Thus were created the world's first anti-lox breaks.

this is a good

one

Satan Appears in a Church

A few minutes before the services started, the townspeople were sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate.

Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.

So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?" The man replied, "Yep, sure do."

"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.

"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.

"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.

"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.

"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY... for all eternity?" persisted Satan.

"Yep," was the calm reply.

"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.

"Nope."

More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?!"

The man calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for the last 48 years."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!
Page 1>>