Factory Joke Thread – August 2018

Man: Yeah.

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3.

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00, including the tip.

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose.

Woman: So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 …correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man: Correct.

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No.

Man: What color is your Ferrari?

Good One!!!

Two clocks go out to dinner. After they finish eating, one clock says to his friend, “I’m still hungry!” His friend replies, “So go back four seconds.”

She sounds just like one of my uncles!!!

A genie appears and offers a golfer three wishes.

“The only catch,” says the genie, “is that whatever you wish for, your wife will receive 10 times over.”

“OK,” the guy says. “I want to be the best golfer in the world.”

The genie blinks and suddenly the guy can feel a new golf swing — the grip, the takeaway, the power.

“You can now crush every golfer in the world,” the genie says, “except your wife, who’s gonna beat you like a drum.”

The guy is a little bummed about that, so for his second wish he asks to be the world’s richest man.

“It’s done,” says the genie. “But don’t forget that your wife can now buy and sell you 10 times over. One wish left.”

“OK,” the guy says. “For my last wish, I’d like to have a mild heart attack.”

Sorry

A MAN was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. At that moment, a bee flew in his window.
"What seems to be the problem?'' asked the bee.
"I'm out of petrol,'' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank.
After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
`"Try it now,'' said the bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up.
"Wow,'' the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my petrol tank?''
"BP,'' answered the bee.

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, “Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?”

As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he’s on her level, and asks, “Do you want a widdle white wabby, or a thoft and fuwwy back wabby, or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?”

The girl, in turn, blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and says in a quiet voice, “I don’t fink my pet python weally gives a thit.”

It's really funny! (And I own BP stock!)

An open letter to those PTA type Vegans -

If you are trying to save animals, stop eating their food. OKay? Understood? Are we clear on this?

Video https://twitter.com/southernthing/status/1034538616137998336

(remember to turn on the sound)

Sounds about right

LEAVE HERE WITH A LAUGH
A man walks into a bar and sits down. He asks the bartender, “Can I have a cigarette?” The bartender replies, “Sure, the cigarette machine is over there.” So he walks over to the machine and as he is about to order a cigarette, the machine suddenly says, “Oy, you bloody idiot!” The man says with surprise in his voice, “That’s not very nice.” He returns to his bar stool without a cigarette and asks the bartender for some peanuts. The bartender passes the man a bowl of peanuts and the man hears one of the peanuts speak, “Ooh, I like your hair.” The man says to the bartender, “Hey, what’s going on here? Your cigarette machine is insulting me and this peanut is coming on to me!” The bartender replies, “Oh, that’s because the machine is out of order and the peanuts are complimentary.”

Rvnewsletter

Two older women were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain.

Ruth pulled out a condom, cut off the end, slipped it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

“What’s that?” asked Gilda.

“A condom,” Ruth replied. “This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.”

“Where did you get it?”

“You can get them at any drugstore,” Ruth said.

The next day, Gilda hobbled herself into the local drugstore and announced to the pharmacist that she wanted a box of condoms.

The guy, obviously embarrassed, looked at her strangely – she was, after all, over 80 years old – but very delicately asked what brand she preferred.

“Doesn’t matter, son,” Gilda answered, “as long as it fits a Camel.

Why is there a lion and a witch in your wardrobe?
Narnia Business!

A man tells a neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me $4,000, but it’s state of the art. It works perfectly.” “Really?” answers the neighbor, “What kind is it?” “12:30.”

That one made me Groan Out Loud.

~Angela

A guy brings his best golf buddy home, unannounced, for dinner at 6:30, after enjoying a day of golf.

His wife screams her head off while his friend sits at the kitchen
table, open mouthed, listening to the tirade.

"My hair and makeup are not done, the house is a mess and the
dishes are still in the sink. I’m completely exhausted. I didn’t get
enough sleep last night. Can't you see I'm still in my pajamas ?

I can't be bothered with cooking tonight ! Why the hell did
you bring him home without letting me know ahead of time, you stupid asshole! ?"

"Because . . . he’s thinking of getting married !"

A major arrives at a remote post. “Where’s your lieutenant?” he asks a private.

“Sir, there isn’t a lieutenant assigned to this post.”

“I was told there was.”

“No, sir, no lieutenant here.”

“I’m pretty sure there is.”

The private thinks about it for a moment. “Well, Major, if I may ask you a question, imagine you took the word ‘rifle’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”

“Well, ‘rile’ I suppose.”

“That’s what I thought. And sir, if you took the word ‘draft’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”

Amused, the major answers, “‘Drat’ I guess.”

“And sir, if you took the word ‘lieutenant’ and removed the letter ‘f’, what would remain?”

The major says, “There is no ‘f’ in lieutenant.”

“That’s what I have been trying to tell you, sir."

One day a chicken walked into the library. Much to the surprise of the librarian, the chicken marched straight to the checkout desk and started clucking, "Book book book, book book book book book, book book book...."

The librarian, rather surprised, could only stare at the chicken in disbelief. The chicken, undaunted, continued to cluck: "Book book book, book book book book book, book book book...."

After a few moments, the librarian recovered enough wits to reach below the desk, pull out a small book, and hand it to the chicken. The chicken took the book in its beak and walked out of the library. The librarian, out of curiosity, decided to follow.

The chicken walked for several minutes until it reached a small pond. In the middle of the pond sat a frog an a huge lily pad. Much to the amazement of the librarian, the chicken then turned around, and with a quick flick of its head, flung the book out to the lily pad.

The frog hopped eagerly over to the book. As the frog looked at the book, however, a look of disappointment crossed its face, and it began to croak:
"Read it, read it...."

A Doe comes running out of the woods and exclaims, “Whew! I’m not sure I’m ready to do that again for 2 Bucks!”

...who are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

Rich first takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Dave also does some measuring and figuring, then says, "I can do this job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Johnny doesn't measure or figure, but leans over to the White House official and whispers, "$2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

Johnny whispers back, "$1000 for me, $1000 for you, and we hire the other guy to fix the fence for $700."