Factory Joke Thread – October 2017

I urgently need a colonoscopy, but there's a 6-month waiting list on the medicare list. As I can't afford to go private, there's only one thing for it. I'm going to grow a beard and take a copy of the Koran through airport security.

Because he wasn't chicken!

- What do you call a dancing ghost?
Polka-haunt-us.

- Which ghost is the best dancer?
The Boogie Man!

- Friend: What are you gonna be for Halloween?
Me: Drunk!

- What do you call a cheesy Halloween dance?
The muenster mash!

- What's a vampire's favorite fast food?
A guy with very high blood pressure

- Why did Dracula take cold medicine?
To stop his coffin

- What do you get when you cross a vampire with the internet?
A blood-thirsty hacker baby.

- What do you get when you cross a a vampire and a snow man?
Frostbite

An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen. The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. . . I would recommend it very highly.' The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?' The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know... The one that's red and has thorns.' 'Do you mean a rose?' 'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'

Two priests and a rabbi were discussing what portion of the weekly collection they kept for themselves.

The first priest explained that he drew a circle on the ground, stepped a few paces back and pitched the money toward the circle. What landed in the circle he kept and what landed outside the circle God kept.

The second priest claimed that his method was almost the same, except that what landed outside the circle went to the priest and the money that landed inside the circle God kept.

The rabbi said, "I've got you both beat. I throw all the money into the air, and what God wants, God takes!" Shalom!

Maybe it’s Maybelline, but what if it isn’t? People shouldn’t just MAKEUP these insinuations.

Any pants can be considered high-wasted if the person wearing them drinks and smokes enough.

I can’t eat breakfast without a couple slices of wheat on the side because I’m lack-toast intolerant.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?
“Make me one with everything.”

Shamelessly stolen from another forum....

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was 'Onestone'.

He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.

After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked it and said, "If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good morning, Onestone."

He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night. He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird, who was BlueBird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone. She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone".

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!

Why ???

.

OH, come on... take a guess !!!

.

Think about it !!!

.

Everyone knows...

You can't kill Two Birds with OneStone!!!

When it's clear that Joe is dying, Mike visits him every day. One day Mike says, "Joe, we both loved football all our lives, and we played football on Saturdays together for so many years. Please do me one favour, when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's football there."

Joe looks up at Mike from his death bed," Mike, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you.

Shortly after that, Joe passes on.

At midnight a couple of nights later, Mike is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mike--Mike."

"Who is it? asks Mike sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Mike--it's me, Joe."

"You're not Joe. Joe just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Joe," insists the voice.

"Joe! Where are you?"

"In heaven", replies Joe. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

"Tell me the good news first," says Mike.

"The good news," Joe says," is that there's football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired."

That's fantastic," says Mike. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news?

"You're on the team for this Saturday's match!"

He was asked on his last birthday earlier this year his secret to longevity.
He told them that for the past 50 years he had sprinkled a little gunpowder on his cereal each morning.
He left behind 8 children, 21 grandchildren, 32 great-grandchildren, and a 15-foot hole in the crematorium.

So there was a tribal chief who decided he needed the biggest hut in the village...
so he gathered the grass he needed and built the only two story hut in the village. He placed his throne on the second story and held audiences there. One night while he slept the throne fell through the floor and crushed his head. The moral of this story is that people who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

Good one.

A virgin from a traditional family tells her grandmother she's going on her first date.
The grandmother says,
"Sit here and let me tell you about these young boys.
He is going to try to kiss you. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
He is going to try to feel your breasts. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
He is going to try to put his hand between your legs. You are going to like that, but don't let him do that.
Most importantly, he is going to try to get on top of you and have his way with you. Don't let him do that; it will disgrace our family."
Keeping this advice in mind, the virgin goes on her date and afterwards can hardly wait to tell her grandmother about it.
"It went just like you said!" she says. "But I didn't let him disgrace our family. When he tried that, I got on top of him and disgraced his family."

A guy in an old, cheap car
Stopped at a gas station beside the latest Mercedes driven by a rich man. The first guy says "that's a nice car you got here, but my car is better". The second guy smiles and asks calmly "and how it is better?" The guy replies "well, my car comes with a genie" the guy with the Mercedes sarcastically asks "a genie?". The guy says "I'll show you" . He opens the driver's door and rubs the steering wheel and a genie appears! The guy asks the genie to get them two coffees and immediately two coffees were there. The Mercedes guy, blown away he says wow! With a face full of unspoken questions, the other guy says you can take my car in exchange for yours. The guy with no thinking says deal. The guy took the newest Mercedes and drives away, the other rushes into the old car, rubbing the steering wheel impatiently until the genie appeared. The guy asks the genie for the latest Mercedes like he had, and 10 million dollars. The genie says "I only make coffees"

Good One !!!

Dan and Brandon were playing a spectacular new golf course built on very scenic terrain – cliff sides, valleys and ravines.
They reached the 6th hole where Dan slices a ball into a thickly wooded and deep ravine, but Dan was determined to not take a penalty stroke. He grabbed his 8-iron and started the descent into the ravine in search of his ball.
The brush was terribly thick and tore at Dan’s clothes. The sunlight was dimmed by all the overhanging branches and vines, but Dan kept searching, and finally spotted something shiny down below.
As he neared the object, he realizes it’s not a ball, but a golf club. Dan took a closer look only to discover that it is an 8-iron, and it was in the hands of a human skeleton lying near an old golf ball!
Dan yelled out for his partner. “Hey Brandon, get over here, I’ve got trouble down here!”
Brandon hurries over to the edge of the ravine and yells down, “What’s the matter, Dan?”
Dan replies, “Bring me my 7-iron. You can’t get out of this stuff with an 8.”

Very good

Been there, done that. Used a 7 iron and didn't disturb the skeleton!

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet. '

Disgraceful...lol