Factory Joke Thread – October 2017

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

Please read the forum rules before posting.

"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."

~Angela

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Ghost Jokes

Q: What do goblins and ghosts drink when they're hot and thirsty on Halloween?
A: Ghoul-aid!!!

Q: What did one ghost say to the other ghost?
A: "Do you believe in people?"

Q: Why can't the boy ghost have babies?
A: Because he has a Hallo-weenie.

Q: Where does a ghost go on Saturday night?
A: Anywhere where he can boo-gie.

Q: What does the papa ghost say to his family when driving?
A: Fasten your sheet belts...

Q: What do ghosts say when something is really neat?
A: Ghoul

Q: Why can't a ghost win a race?
A: Because it's always dead tired.

Q: What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A: Bamboo

Q: Why did the ghost go into the bar?
A: For the Boos.

Q: What happens when a ghost gets lost in the fog?
A: He is mist.

Q: What does a ghost do when he's hungry?
A: Go ghost-ry shopping.

Q: What is a ghost's favorite mode of transportation?
A: A scareplane...

Q: Why doesn't Dracula mind the doctor looking at his throat.
A: Because of the coffin.

Q: Why is a ghost such a messy eater?
A: Because he is always a goblin.

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Oct Jokes

Bain Capital Conference Call
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Lookfer!
Lookfer who?
Lookfer another job, loser. Yours is goin' to China!

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

People

Nobody is useless
If you aren't an inspiration
You can be an example

--
If only ..

Whispering in the library

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?
"The man responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ..... I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The man whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Tom finally decided to tie the knot with his longtime girlfriend

One evening, after their honeymoon, he was working on his motorcycle in the garage, just for fun. His new wife was standing there at the workbench watching him.
After a long period of silence she finally spoke. "Honey, I've just been thinking, now that we are married, maybe it's time you quit spending all your time out here in the shop. You probably should just consider selling your motorcycle along with your gun collection and that stupid fishing gear."
Tom got a quizzical look on his face.
She said, "Darling, what's wrong?"
He replied, “For a minute there you were starting to sound like my ex-wife."
"Ex-wife!" she shouted, "YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU WERE MARRIED BEFORE!"
Tom replied: "I wasn't."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A secretary, a salesman, and their boss...

A secretary, a sales rep, and their boss are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you one wish."
The secretary says, "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
The sales rep says, "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life. " Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: let your boss speak first.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

I take some..

I take some of the jokes on this site and use them at work. Thanks again.

Anniversary

Mary waited patiently while her husband, Tom, played a round of golf on their 18th wedding anniversary. After he finished, the happy couple went out to dinner at a lovely restaurant.
The wine and conversation flowed as the two discussed their nearly two decades of wedded bliss. At the end of the meal, Mary said, “Want to go for another 18?”
“No,” Tom replied, “I think it’s too dark now.”

Classic...

Timantide wrote:

A secretary, a sales rep, and their boss are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.
They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you one wish."
The secretary says, "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
The sales rep says, "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life. " Poof! He's gone.
"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: let your boss speak first.

Nice one!

--
EGMJR

I think Connie's Dead

Mike and Dan had just finished the first nine holes in their round of golf, and it was obvious that Mike was having an awful day.

"Gee Mike, you're just not your old self today. What's the matter?" asked Dan.

Mike, looking pretty glum, said, "I think Connie's dead."

"My God! That's terrible," said Dan, "but you said you only think your wife is dead. Aren't you sure?"

"Well, I just don't know," responded Mike, "the sex is still the same, but the dishes are starting to pile up."

Hard Work

The hardest part of being a shepard is staying awake while counting your sheep

New Gym

I'm starting a gym where we bring exercise equipment right to your front door, whether you requested it or not.

I'm calling it "Jehovah's Fitness"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The meaning of life..

On the first day, God created the dog and said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed...... On the second day, God created the monkey and said, "Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed......
On the third day, God created the cow and said, "You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again...... On the fourth day, God created humans and said, "Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.
Life has now been explained to you.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Funny Stuff

Timantide wrote:

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?" The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!" All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?
"The man responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ..... I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock. The man whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".

Thanks for the laugh. smile

--
Nuvi 660 2460LMT Sold My 765T

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are wed

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married...
The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls.' I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!' Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home.
Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.
Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.
I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict with him.
(Even when totally smashed.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals = 12 cuckoos MIDNIGHT!)
The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.
Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock.'
When I asked him why, he said, 'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh sh1t.' Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A Seat in Church

A Seat In Church
A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and chatting among friends. Suddenly, in a flash of light, Satan appeared in front of the congregation!
Everyone started screaming and running for the exits, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly cowboy who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The old cowboy replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
'Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the cowboy.
'Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
'Don't doubt it for a minute,' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying AGONY for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
'Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you are still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old cowboy.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, 'Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The old cowboy calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

--
Frank Nuvi 3597LMT 37.322760, -79.511267

Chinese Wedding Night

A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness.

He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.

'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting –juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.

A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.

She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try something I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.' More thoughtful silence from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her....

'You want....... garlic chicken wif snow peas?

Golf and Hooters

Two guys grow up together but after college one moves to New York State, the other to Florida. They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach and play golf.

At age 30, they finish their round of golf and go to lunch.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Well, you know, they got the broads, with the big racks, and the tight shorts, and the legs ”
“OK.”

Ten years later at age 40 they play.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.
“Why?”
“Well, you know, they got cold beer and the big screen TVs and everybody has a little action on the games.”
“OK.”

Ten years later at age 50 they play a round of golf.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“The food is pretty good and there is plenty of parking.”
”OK.”

At age 60 they play a round of golf.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“Wings are half price..”
“OK”

At age 70 they play a round of golf.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“They have 6 handicapped spaces right by the door”
“OK.”

At age 80 they play a round of golf.
“Where you wanna go?”
“Hooters.”
“Why?”
“We’ve never been there before.”

Quick Joes and Puns

People are willing to pose nude for artists they don’t even know – color me cautious, I think it seems sketchy.

Pizza chefs who have flour on their face at the end of a long shift call that a 5-o’clock shadough.

My puns may be cheesy but I still think they’re pretty gouda.

“I just story a car!” = Grand Theft Autocorrect.

Have you seen the pyramid schemes in Egypped.

That's

Gush wrote:

Have you seen the pyramid schemes in Egypped.

pretty bad Gush!

--
"In order to be old and wise, one first must have been young and stupid."

He is a veterinarian

One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering,
the pastor of a small church found
a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week!

The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the
distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity,
approached her.

"Ma'am, I couldn't help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate," he stated.

"Why, yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the church."

The pastor replied, "That's wonderful. But $1,000 is a lot; are you sure you can afford this?
How much does he send you?"
The elderly woman answered, "$10,000 a week."

The pastor was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That's an honorable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money," the pastor said..
"Where does he practice?"

The woman answered proudly, "In Nevada...
He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas and one in Reno"

An oldie but goodie.... Man of the House

Man of the House

A husband had just finished reading a new book entitled, "You Can Be THE Man of Your House”.
Finding new courage that he never knew he had he stormed into the kitchen and announced to his wife, "From now on, you need to know that I am the man of this house and my word is the 'Law!' You will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight, bring it to me, and when I am done eating my meal, you will clear the dishes and serve me a scrumptious dessert.
After dinner, you are going to go upstairs with me and we will make love the way I want! Afterward, you are going to draw me a bath so I can relax. You will put on soothing music, wash my back and towel me dry and bring me my robe. You will massage my feet and hands to relieve any last bit of tension so that I can sleep like a baby.
Then tomorrow, guess who's going to dress me and comb my hair?”
The wife replied, "The funeral director would be my first guess, unless I decide to have you cremated!"

IRS...

An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited. He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent. "I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!" The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task. The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it. The IRS agent is dumbfounded. The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye. The IRS agent knows there's no way possible to do this, so he once more agrees. The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye. Then the old man finally wagers, "I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop." The agent knows he won't be able to, so once more he agrees. The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork. The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the attorney over in the corner moaning. "Are you all right?" asks the agent. "No! On the way over here, he bet me $400,000 he could pee on your desk and you'd be happy about it!"

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Golf Tip

A young man and a priest are playing golf together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, “What are you going to use on this hole, my son?”
The young man says, “An 8-iron, father. How about you?”
The priest says, “I’m going to hit a soft seven and pray.”
The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green. The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, “I don’t know about you father, but in my church when we pray, we keep our head down.”

Breakfast in bed

I am a man who loves to give women breakfast in bed. All I want to receive in return is a simple "Thank you!"...
...not "Who are you?", "How did you get in here?", and "I'll call the police!

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Short Jokes and Puns

How did the blonde die ice fishing?
She was hit by the zamboni.

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?
OMG!!!!!!! BREATHE!! BREATHEEEEE!!!!!

I saw a wino eating grapes.
I told him, you gotta wait

I went in to a pet shop. I said, “Can I buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is.”

What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.

LAWS of LIFE:

LAWS of LIFE:

1.Law of Mechanical Repair
- After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2.Law of Gravity
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3.Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4.Law of Random Numbers
- If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

5.Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

6.Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

8.Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

9.Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10.Law of the Theaters & Sports Arenas - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

11.The Coffee Law
- As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

12.Murphy's Law of Lockers
- If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

13.Law of Physical Surfaces
The chance of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor is directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

14.Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

15. Law of Physical Appearance
If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

16.Law of Public Speaking
-- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

17.Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy-
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it in your area!

18.Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Don't blame me...I stole these

1. I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

2. Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says, "I think we got this joke wrong."

3. What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted.

4. I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said "Thanks."

I said "Don't mention it."

5. My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

6. I poured root beer in a square glass.

Now I just have beer.

7. I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

8. What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

9. My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn't."

10. And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life.

But John came fifth and won a toaster.

11. How many opticians does it take to change a lightbulb?

Is it one or two? One... or two?

12. What do we want?

Low flying airplane noises!

When do we want them?

NNNEEEEEEOOOOOOOOWWWWWW.

13. So what if I don't know what Armageddon means? It's not the end of the world.

14. What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Phillipe Phillope.

15. What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.

16. What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?

A labracadabrador.

Good One!!!

GeoC320 wrote:

LAWS of LIFE:

1.Law of Mechanical Repair
- After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

2.Law of Gravity
Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

3.Law of Probability
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4.Law of Random Numbers
- If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

5.Variation Law
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

6.Law of the Bath
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.

8.Law of the Result
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!

9.Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

10.Law of the Theaters & Sports Arenas - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

11.The Coffee Law
- As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

12.Murphy's Law of Lockers
- If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

13.Law of Physical Surfaces
The chance of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor is directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

14.Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

15. Law of Physical Appearance
If the clothes fit, they're ugly.

16.Law of Public Speaking
-- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!

17.Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy-
As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it in your area!

18.Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

Muell9k wrote
I can relate to many of those laws, especially the one for Law Of Gravity. I can't count the times something falls and lands in the abyss.

--
Nuvi 660 2460LMT Sold My 765T

Visiter555

These were my fave.

I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said "Thanks." I said "Don't mention it."

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I put my foot down.

I poured root beer in a square glass. Now I just have beer.

My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?" I said, "No it doesn't."

How many opticians does it take to change a light bulb? Is it one or two? One... or two?

Two clowns are eating a cannibal. One turns to the other and says, "I think we got this joke wrong."

~Angela

Good Gramer

On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife.
The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living
on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for
erectile dysfunction!

The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.

The old Indian gave him a potion and with a grip on his shoulder
warned, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.'

When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in
your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."
The man thanked the old Indian and as he walked away, he turned and
asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does,
the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered,
shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to
join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and
began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, “What was the
1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences
with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling
participle.

Getting old

1. I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?" And that, my friend, is the sad definition of "OLD"!

2. Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"
"98," she replied: "Two years older than me" "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

3. Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing About being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

4. I've sure gotten old! I have outlived my feet and my teeth
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, Take 40 different medications that Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts. Have bouts with dementia. Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

5. I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, So I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.
I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

6. An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, She wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. "Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"

7. My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

8. Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

9. It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

10. These days about half the stuff In my shopping cart says,
'For fast relief.'

11. THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people
I never liked anyway,
The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and
The eyesight to tell the difference.

--
-Quest, Nuvi 1390T

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Losing my Sight

Joe loved golf, but his eyesight had gotten so bad that he couldn’t find his ball once he’d hit it. He consulted with his wife, and she recommended that Joe bring along her uncle Ted.
Joe said, “But Ted is 80 years old and half senile!”
His wife replied, “Yes, but his eyesight is incredible.”
Joe finally agreed and took Ted along. He teed off and could feel that he had hit it solidly.
He asked Ted, “Do you see it?”
Ted nodded his head and said, “Boy, that was a beautiful shot!”
Joe excitedly asked, “Well, where did it land?!”
Ted said, “Hmmm. I forget.”

Do you remember?

Do you remember when you were a kid and whenever you cried, your parents would say, “I’ll give you a reason to cry!?"
I always thought they were going to hit me, not that they were going to destroy the housing market 20 years later.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

It pays to listen

There was once a land far away and many years ago that had three kingdoms around a triangular lake. They often warred and casualties were fierce. So they agreed to hold a tournament of all their champions on an island in the middle of the lake. The first being rich and influential sent twenty Knights and thirty squires with many horses and wagons laden with food and wine. The second being well-off sent ten knights and twenty squires as well as several wagons of food and drink. The last kingdom had only one knight who was very aged and rather decrepit and had but the one squire. They brought with them a single iron pot and a horse with food enough for the journey. The first evening much revelry was had- wine was shared and spilled in equal measure great haunches of meat were roasted and cut and all are well. The old knight counseled that there were rats on the island and food should be moved off the ground to avoid them spreading plague. The Knights and squires of the first and second kingdoms disregarded his advice saying "Pfah! What does he know? We are so many no rats would dare bother us!" But the squire of the third kingdom listened attentively to his old knight and hauled their old iron pot on a rope over a branch preventing the rats from finding it. In the morning all the warriors of the first two kingdoms were ill finding rat droppings in their food and sleeping-things and several of them could barely even stand, let alone fight. That night the partying was subdued but still jubilant. Old grudges were settled by the fireside tales of heroism told and retold and many casks of wine were emptied and tossed aside. Again the old knight counseled the gathered warriors. He warned them that bandits had long preyed on dwellers of this island, making off with any valuables they could. "Pfah! What does the old man know?" They cried well into their cups. "Surely no bandit would trouble such an assembled group of warriors!" But the lone squire from the third kingdom listened intently to his wise old master and hung a noose beside their pot dangling from the tree so that bandits might see the penalty for troubling them and be warned away. The day of the tournament came and the Knights and squires of the first and second kingdoms emerged from their tents to find their fine armour and weapons stolen in the night by bandits. Amazed they hunted around but even their horses were gone. The Knights could not fight at all and only a very few of their squires could craft cudgels with which to do battle. But the crafty squire of the third kingdom had warned bandits away and his battered old pot helm and coat of plates and his dented old sword were safe in his tent. He took to the field under the gaze of his master and although the other squires allied against him, he defeated those who were well and well-armoured enough to fight him. And thus we learned that the squire of the high pot and noose was equal to the sum of squires on the other two sides.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

At the gates of heaven

A man died and went to The Judgment, they told him , “Before you meet with God,
I should tell you — we’ve looked over your life, and to be honest you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad. We’re not really sure what to do with you. Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make a decision?” The newly arrived soul thought for a moment and replied, “Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a person who was being harassed by a group of thugs. So I pulled over, got out a bat, and went up to the leader of the thugs. He was a big, muscular guy with a ring pierced through his lip. Well, I tore the ring out of his lip, and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering this guy or they would have to deal with me!” “Wow that’s impressive, “When did this happen?” “About three minutes ago,” came the reply.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

king of his home

last night my wife came to me on her hands and knees and said , come out from under that bed you little weasel!

what do you call a legless cow?

Ground beef!

one little error

Let me tell you friends, that one simple spelling mistake--even a typo--can make your life hell. I recently penned a short, romantic note to my wife while I was away on a fishing trip, and I missed one small "e". No problem you might say. Not so. This tiny error has caused me to seek Police protection to enter my own house.

I wrote, "Hi darling, I'm enjoying and experiencing the best time of my whole life, and I wish you were her!"

Quick Jokes and Puns

Have you heard about corduroy pillows?
They’re making headlines.

What does a pepper do when it’s angry?
It gets jalapeño face!

What did the Buddhist ask the hot dog vendor?
“Make me one with everything.”

I saw a guy hold up his little boy to shield his eyes from the brightness and I thought, I hope he doesn’t lose those songlasses.

Craigslist is a unique place where you can find a one-night stand or one nightstand.

Children in Church "How

Children in Church

"How many women can a man marry?"
"Sixteen," the boy responded.
His cousin was amazed that he had an answer so quickly.
"How do you know that?"
"Easy," the little boy said.
"All you have to do is add it up, like the pastor said,
4 better, 4 worse, 4 richer, 4 poorer."

After a church service on Sunday morning, a young boy suddenly announced to his mother,
"Mom, I've decided to become a minister when I grow up."
"That's okay with us, but what made you decide that?"
"Well," said the little boy, "I have to go to church on Sundayanyway,
And I figure it will be more fun to stand up and yell, than to sit and listen."

A 6-year-old was overheard reciting the Lord's Prayer at a church service,
"And forgive us our trash passes, as we forgive those who passed trash against us."

A boy was watching his father, a pastor, write a sermon.
"How do you know what to say?" he asked.
"Why, God tells me."
"Oh, then why do you keep crossing things out?"

A little girl became restless as the preacher's sermon dragged on and on.
Finally, she leaned over to her mother and whispered,
"Mummy, if we give him the money now, will he let us go?"

Ms. Terri asked her Sunday School class to draw pictures of their favourite Bible stories.
She was puzzled by Kyle's picture, which showed four people on an airplane,
So she asked him which story it was meant to represent.
"The Flight to Egypt ," was his reply.
Pointing at each figure, Ms. Terri said,
"That must be Mary, Joseph, and Baby Jesus.
But who's the fourth person?"
"Oh, that's Pontius - the pilot!"

The Sunday School Teacher asks,
"Now, Johnny, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
"No ma'am," little Johnny replies, I don't have to.
My mom is a good cook."

And here is the best one.

A little girl was sitting on her grandfather's lap as he read her a bedtime story.
From time to time, she would take her eyes off the book and reach up to touch his wrinkled cheek.
She was alternately stroking her own cheek, then his again.
Finally she spoke up, "Grandpa, did God make you?"
"Yes, sweetheart," he answered, "God made me a long time ago"
"Oh," she paused, "Grandpa, did God make me too?"
"Yes, indeed, honey," he said, "God made you just a little while ago."
Feeling their respective faces again, she observed,
"God's getting better at it, isn't he ?"

The operation

This older Jewish man was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son,a renowned surgeon, perform the operation.
As he was about to receive the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes Dad, what is it?"
"Don’t be nervous, son, do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me… your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife…"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Good One!

Thanks for the smile!

Ron

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Is it a sin

After church one Sunday, one of the church goers walked up to his priest and said, “Father, is it a sin to play golf on Sundays?”
“My son,” said the priest, putting his hand on the man’s shoulder, “I’ve seen your golf game, it’s a sin any day.”

Our Future.......perhaps our PRESENT!

Hello! Is this Gino's Pizza?

No sir - it's Google Pizza.

I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.

No sir - Google bought Gino's Pizza last month.

OK. I would like to order a pizza.

Do you want your usual, sir?

My usual - you know me?

According to our caller ID data sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses - sausage - pepperoni - mushrooms and meat balls on a thick crust.

OK - that's what I want .

May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta - arugula - sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat, gluten free, thin crust?

What? I detest vegetables.

Your cholesterol is not good, sir.

How the hell do you know?

Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.

Okay, but I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.

Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drugsale Network, 4 months ago.

I bought more from another drugstore

That doesn't show on your credit card statement.

I paid in cash.

But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.

I have other sources of cash.

That doesn't show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.

WHAT THE HECK? ! ! ! !

I'm sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.

Enough already! I'm sick to death of Google - Facebook - Twitter - WhatsApp and all the others!! I'm going to an island without internet - cable TV - where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me !!

I understand sir - but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago

Our Future.........Perhaps Our PRESENT!

No Joke...Fact!

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