Factory Joke Thread – February 2017

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

Please read the forum rules before posting.

"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."

~Angela

Related links

See also

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New Truck

One day, Jimmy Joe was walking down Main Street when he saw his buddy
Bubba driving a brand new pickup. Bubba pulled up to him with a wide  grin.
"Bubba, where'd you get that truck?!?"
"Bobby Sue gave it to me" Bubba replied.=20
"She gave it to you? I knew she was kinda sweet on ya, but a new
"Well, Jimmy Joe, let me tell you what happened.
We were driving out on County Road 6, in the middle of nowhere.
Sue pulled off the road, put the truck in 4-wheel drive, and headed
in to the woods. She parked the truck, got out, threw off all her clothes and said,
'Bubba, take whatever you want'. So I took the truck!"
"Bubba, you're a smart man!. Them clothes woulda never fit you".
submissons by: Albert W.

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

WHO'S JOB IS IT?

This is a story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and Everybody was sure Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody's job.
Everybody thought Anybody could do it but Nobody realized that Everybody wouldn't do it.
It ended that Everybody blamed Somebody when Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

--
Bobkz - Garmin Nuvi 3597LMTHD/2455LMT/C530/C580- "Pain Is Fear Leaving The Body - Semper Fidelis"

HOW DO YOU KNOW WHEN YOU'RE GROWING OLD

Everything Hurts, And What Doesn't Hurt, Doesn't Work.
Your Little Black Book Contains Names Only Ending In M.D.
You Get Winded Playing Chess.
You Join A Health Club And Don't Go.
You Still Chase The Opposite Sex But Don't Know Why.
You Look Forward To Dull Evenings.
You Turn Out The Lights For Economic Rather Than Romantic Reasons.
You Sit In A Rocking Chair And Can't Get It Going.
Your Knees Buckle And Your Belt Wont.
Dialing Long Distance Wears You Out.
Your Back Goes Out More Than You Do.
You Stick Your Teeth Into A Steak And They Stay There.
When You Buy A Kidney Shaped Pool And It Has A Stone In It.
When You Find More Of Your Hair In The Sink Than On Your Head.
When Your Weight Goes Up And Your Height Goes Down.

--
Bobkz - Garmin Nuvi 3597LMTHD/2455LMT/C530/C580- "Pain Is Fear Leaving The Body - Semper Fidelis"

A wife is like a hand grenade...

Take off the ring and say good bye to your house.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

My mother used to always say

My mother used to always say "give your food a rinse before you eat it."
Lovely woman. Terrible sandwiches.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Something about Senior Moments.... I think? But I Can't Remember

My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds ... only 15 to go.

1. Ate salad for dinner ... mostly croutons & tomatoes ... really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce ... and cheese... FINE, it was a pizza ... I ate a pizza!

2. How to prepare Tofu:
First throw it in the trash and then grill some meat.

3. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

4. I don't mean to brag but ... I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.

5. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.

6. Kids today don't know how easy they have it ... when I was young, I had to walk through 9 feet of shag carpet to change the TV channel.

7. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.

8. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero outside they closed the school? Me neither.

9. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented ... I forget where I was going with this.

10. I love being over 60 ... I learn something new every day ... and forget 5 others.

11. A thief broke into my house last night ... He started searching for money ... so I woke up and searched with him.

12. My dentist told me I need a Crown ... I said, "You bet, pour mine over the rocks".

13. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day!

--
Never argue with a pig. It makes you look foolish and it anoys the hell out of the pig!

speaking of marriage ...

A man is incomplete until he marries. Then he is finished.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi hear about a bear causing trouble in the woods nearby.
The three men, friendly rivals, decide among themselves that what this bear needs to be soothed is some religion, so they declare it a contest to see who can convert it. They draw straws, and the Catholic priest is the first to try.
He heads into the woods, and comes back three hours later with a few claw swipes across his face and hands, and tells the other two, "I read from the Catechism, and the bear seemed to enjoy that, but when I sprinkled him with holy water, he tried to maul me, and I ran!"
The Protestant minister is the second to go, and he's gone all evening, meeting his friends the next afternoon, with a bandage around his head and a broken leg. He says to them, "I found the bear by the river, and I preached to him from God's holy word, and he was as gentle as a lamb, until I tried to baptize him in the river; he nearly bit my head off and I had to bolt for my life!"
Lastly went the Jewish Rabbi, off into the woods. His friends hear nothing from him for two days, until they receive the word that he's in hospital. They rush over to find him in the ICU, a cast covering most of his body, and vicious wounds all over the rest of him. They frantically ask him what happened, and between laboured breaths through the ventilator, he mutters, "You know, thinking about it, I probably shouldn't've opened with the circumcision.."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Special Places to Retire:

You can retire to Phoenix , Arizona where...

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

OR

You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ...
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language
makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR

You can retire to Minnesota where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco ...
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

OR

You can retire to the Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Ellen, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder."

It's important to know the difference, too.

OR

You can retire to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR

You can retire to the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

OR

FINALLY You can retire to Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

Loved this!

GeoC320 wrote:

You can retire to Phoenix , Arizona where...

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

OR

You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ...
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language
makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR

You can retire to Minnesota where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco ...
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

OR

You can retire to the Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Ellen, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder."

It's important to know the difference, too.

OR

You can retire to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR

You can retire to the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

OR

FINALLY You can retire to Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

Blondes

Five blondes go into a bar and one of them says to the bartender, "A round of drinks for me and my friends."
They get their drinks and the raise their glasses to a toast of, "To 51 days!" and they drink.
The "head blonde" asks the bartender to set them up again.
Again, the blondes toast "To 51 days!" and they drink. After they order a third round, the bartender says that he has to ask what the toast means.
The head blonde says, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. On the box it said, "two to four years" and we finished it in 51 days".

--
It is impossible to rightly govern a nation without God and the Bible. ----George Washington

One Line Groaners-Part 3

Thieves had broken into my house and stolen everything except my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant. Dirty thieves..

I am on a seafood diet. Every time I see food, I eat it.

What was Forrest Gump's email password? "1forrest1"

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned: couldn't concentrate.

A book just fell on my head. I've only got myshelf to blame.

Senior Logic

During a visit to my doctor, I asked him, "How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"

"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."

"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup."

"No," he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

A day before his 15th birthday

A day before his 15th birthday
the son of a wealthy family was asked by his father, "Well my son, what would you like for your birthday?"
The son hesitated a moment and his father's thoughts leapt ahead to a new computer and similar things. However, his son had had a new computer only recently and could have a new one any time he wished.
Finally, the son said, "Father, I have everything a boy could wish for, but there is one thing I would really like. I would love to have a pink ping pong ball."
The father was rather astonished at this wish, but said, "If it is a pink ping pong ball that you want, a pink ping pong ball you shall have."
And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a pink ping pong ball.
The boy took the ball to his room and the next morning the pink ping pong ball was gone. The father was mildly surprised but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong ball, however, was never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 16th birthday, the father asked his son what he would like for his birthday.
"Father," replied the son, "I have everything a boy could possibly wish for, but there is one thing I would really, really like. I would love to have a tenpack of pink ping pong balls."
The father was more surprised than the year before, but kept his curiosity at bay, for he knew that his son had a right for privacy. he said therefore, "If it is a tenpack of pink ping pong balls that you want, a tenpack of pink ping pong balls you shall have."
And so, the next day, the son was given as his birthday present a tenpack of pink ping pong balls.
The boy took the tenpack of balls to his room and the next morning, not a single ball remained, merely the empty husk of the tenpack. The father wondered where ten pink ping pong balls might disappear to, but decided not to say anything. The pink ping pong balls, however, were never seen again.
The next year, a day before his 17th birthday, the son was asked by his father what he would like for his birthday.
"Father," said the son to this, "I have everything a boy could wish for, but one thing would make my happiness complete. I would dearly want a carton of pink ping pong balls."
The father was beyond surprise, but decided to make sure he had not misheard. "A carton of pink ping pong balls?"
"A carton of pink ping pong balls," the boy confirmed.
"I can't understand your fascination with pink ping pong balls," said the father, "but if it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you want, it is a carton of pink ping pong balls that you shall have." And so, the next day, the boy was given as his birthday present a carton of pink ping pong balls.
The boy was delighted and took the carton to his room. The next day, miraculously (as if by magic, even) the pink ping pong balls had all disappeared.
"Dear son," said the father, "I must ask now, what do you do with all those pink ping pong balls?"
The son, however, was reluctant to tell him. "Please humour me, dear father."
The carton of pink ping pong balls, however, was never seen again. The next year, it was clear that the son would get a car, but the father felt that, perhaps, his son also had some other wish apart from the obvious. So, one day before the son's 18th birthday, the father asked him whether he had a special wish for his birthday. "Dearest father," the son started, "I have everything a young man could possibly want, but there is one craving in me. I would, more than anything, want a warehouse full of pink ping pong balls." One of these years, his father thought, I should get to the bottom of this. However, he decided to humour his son's wish. At least he had been wise enough to buy shares in a pink ping pong ball factory. The next day, the son was given the address of a warehouse where all his new pink ping pong balls were stored. The son was delighted and decided to spend the next night in the warehouse rather than at home.
The following morning, the son stepped out of the warehouse, but it seemed to be empty otherwise. The father had a closer look and indeed, apart from empty cardboard boxes, nothing was left inside the warehouse. No pink ping pong balls were left.
The following year, one day before the son's 19th birthday, the father braced himself for another warehouse of pink ping pong balls. He asked his son what his deepest desire was and he had not been entirely wrong.
"Father, you have made me very happy these last years and this year I ask of you a shipload of pink ping pong balls if at all possible." It was possible, if only because the father had by now bought each and every factory of pink ping pong balls in the country. The next day, the father took his son to the harbour and showed him a huge tanker and told his son that there were millions, billions, trillions of pink ping pong balls in there.
"Father," the son said, "You've made me very happy yet again." That night, the son spent on board the tanker.
The next morning, not a single of the pink ping pong balls could be found, but the son was happy.
A few days before his 20th birthday, however, the son had a terrible road accident and was taken to the hospital.
His father visited the young man in hospital. "My dear son! Can I bring you anything to make you feel better?"
Weakly, the son sat up in bed. "Father, dearest father, grant me this wish; just one tenpack of pink ping pong balls."
The father held his son's hand tightly. "Whatever you wish my son, but I have to give you one condition. Even if it may be embarrassing, I must know what you did with all those pink ping pong balls."
"Very well, father, but please indulge me first. I will tell you whatever you wish to know after you have given me the ten pink ping pong balls."
The father thought that was fair enough and the next day brought his son the ten asked for pink ping pong balls. The son smiled weakly but seemed too weak to talk.
"Son, I leave these pink ping pong balls with you and shall come back tomorrow to ask of you what you have done with all those pink ping pong balls."
The son nodded weakly.
The next day, less than surprisingly, no pink ping pong balls could be found in the son's hospital room.
"Now, my dearest son, apple of my eye, treasure of my life, please tell me what you did with all those pink ping pong balls," the father requested.
The son nodded and the father gripped his hand tighter.
"I-" the son started and sat up a bit, swallowing with a dry mouth.
"I- I-"
Then he died.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Elderlly Golfer

Elderly Golfer

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course. He heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

As he passes through the doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER..................$2.50
HAMBURGER...............$3.50
CHEESEBURGER.........$4.25
CHICKEN SANDWICH..$4.75
HAND JOB................$150.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money,

the elderly golfer walks up to the bar & beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender who is serving drinks to a couple of sun-wrinkled golfers.

She glides down behind the bar to the old golfer.

“Yes?” she inquires with a wide, knowing smile. "May I help you sir?”

The old golfer leans over the bar and whispers, “I was wondering young lady, are you the one who gives the hand jobs around here?”

She looks into his wrinkled eyes and with a wide smile purrs,

“Yes sir, I sure am. I give the best hand jobs around.”

The old golfer leans in even closer and into her left ear says softly,

“Well then, be sure to wash your hands real good, because I want a cheeseburger.”

Hate Pink Ping Pong Balls

Now I will never get that time back from reading that joke... grrr

--
Garmin Nuvi 2699 with 2017.30 Maps

Would you remarry if I die?

A husband and wife are sitting quietly in bed reading when the wife looks over at him and asks the question....
WIFE: "What would you do if I died? Would you get married again?"
HUSBAND: "Definitely not!"
WIFE: "Why not? Don't you like being married?"
HUSBAND: "Of course I do.."
WIFE: "Then why wouldn't you remarry? "
HUSBAND: "Okay, okay, I'd get married again."
WIFE: "You would?" (with a hurt look)
HUSBAND: (makes audible groan)
WIFE: "Would you live in our house?"
HUSBAND: "Sure, it's a great house."
WIFE: "Would you sleep with her in our bed?"
HUSBAND: "Where else would we sleep?"
WIFE: "Would you let her drive my car?"
HUSBAND: "Probably, it is almost new."
WIFE: "Would you replace my pictures with hers?"
HUSBAND: "That would seem like the proper thing to do."
WIFE: "Would you give her my jewellery?"
HUSBAND: "No, I'm sure she'd want her own."
WIFE: "Would you take her golfing with you?
HUSBAND: "Yes, those are always good times."
WIFE: "Would she use my clubs?
HUSBAND: "No, she's left-handed."
WIFE: -- silence --
HUSBAND: "Shit."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The coupon

On his 70th birthday, an old man received a coupon from his wife...
The coupon paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.
After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.
The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, "This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoon and then say '1-2-3'." When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life and you can perform as long as you want."
The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"
"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" the medicine man responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."
The man was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he quickly took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men. His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes as she asked "What was the 1-2-3 for?"
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Gotcha

The worst (and wealthiest) member of Augusta approached Ben Crenshaw after the Masters Tournament.
He challenged him to a match – double or nothing the prize money he had just one. Crenshaw was hesitant, but hey, who doesn’t need more money?
To make it fair, he offered the guy any handicap he wanted. The member requested two gottchas. Crenshaw wasn’t sure what a “gottcha” was, but since the man was insistent, he agreed.
They went out to the first tee and the member took a swing at his ball and it sliced mightily.
Crenshaw teed up his ball, and just as he was getting ready to start his swing, the member came up behind Crenshaw, swung a driver hard between his legs and yelled, “GOTTCHA!”
Crenshaw squirmed in agony, fell to the floor clutching his groin with tears streaming down his face.
“That’s one gottcha gone” said his challenger. Crenshaw took quite a few minutes to compose himself again and played on.
At the end of the round, the people couldn’t believe that Crenshaw had lost.
His only comment was, “Ever play a round of golf waiting for the second ‘gottcha’?”

The Ultimate Computer

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. One day, a guided school tour arrived. The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. "This," he said, "is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it. Would anyone like to try?" Little Johnny quickly stepped forward and asked, "Where is my father?" There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the task. Panel lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of seconds the answer appeared on the screen: "Fishing in Florida." Little Johnny laughed, "Actually, my father is dead! It was a trick question." The salesman, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps a rewording of the question might work better. Little Johnny thought and said to the Ultimate Computer, "Where is my mother's husband?" Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled the room. After a moment, the screen lit up with an answer: "Dead. But your father is still fishing in Florida."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always Catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.

--
GPSmap76Cx handheld, Nuvi 2557LMT, Nuvfi 2598LMTHD

Best one is AGEs.

Mandatory to forward to all my retired friends and those retiring soon...lol

GeoC320 wrote:

You can retire to Phoenix , Arizona where...

1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
2. You've experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
5. You know that "dry heat" is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

OR

You can retire to California where...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You know how to eat an artichoke.
4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

OR

You can retire to New York City where...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan ...
2. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
3. You think Central Park is "nature."
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language
makes you multi-lingual.
5. You've worn out a car horn.
6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

OR

You can retire to Minnesota where...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco ...
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for casserole.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

OR

You can retire to the Deep South where...

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. "Y'all" is singular and "all y'all" is plural.
3. "He needed killin" is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Ellen, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc etc.
5. Everything is either "in yonder," "over yonder" or "out yonder."

It's important to know the difference, too.

OR

You can retire to Colorado where...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

OR

You can retire to the Midwest where...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"

OR

FINALLY You can retire to Florida where...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.

You do know

where you can stick those pink ping pong balls

One Line Groaners-Part 4

Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!

What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phone

I wanna make a joke about sodium, but Na..

I hate insects puns, they really bug me.

I'm no photographer, but I can picture us together.

YEA..

GeoC320 wrote:

where you can stick those pink ping pong balls

I second that.. All that reading and for what??!!!??

--
Bobkz - Garmin Nuvi 3597LMTHD/2455LMT/C530/C580- "Pain Is Fear Leaving The Body - Semper Fidelis"

Memory Problem

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.

She says, 'Hello.'

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he asks, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.

So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

Son : "Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"

Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter".
Father : "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.Tina is actually your sister."
The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later
Son : "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"
Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"
Son: "It's Peny, the other neighbor's daughter."
Father : "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Peny is also your sister."
This went on couple of times and the son was so mad,he went straight to his mother crying.
Son : "Mum I am so mad at dad ! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because daddy is their father!"
The mother hugs him affectionately and says:
"My love, you can date whoever you want. Don't listen to him. He is not your Father."!!!

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Indian

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Indian man were waiting outside the delivery room.
The matron comes out and explains that the hospital has accidentally mixed up the babies.
The Scot goes straight in and picks up the brown baby.
The Indian says "Are you sure that's your baby?"
The Scot says "No, but there's no way I'm going to risk leaving here with an English baby."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK:

LITTLE JOHNNY IS BACK:

The teacher asked the class to use the word “fascinate” in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, “My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating."

The teacher said, “That was good, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate,’ not 'fascinating'.”

Sally raised her hand. She said, “My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.”

The teacher said, “Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word ‘fascinate’.”

Little Johnny raised his hand, but the teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word “fascinate,” so she called on him.

Johnny said, “My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight!”

The teacher sat down and cried.

The Italians are fighting Americans in the trenches

An American gets the idea to yell the name Luigi, and being a common Italian name when someone hears their name and looks up, they shoot him.
"Hey, Luigi!"
An Italian looks up and says
"Yeah?"
BANG
After the Americans do this a few times, the Italians try it for themselves. They decide to yell the name John, being a common American name.
"Hey-a, John!"
An American shouts back
"Hey! Is that you Luigi?"
The Italian looks up
"Yeah, itsa me!"
BANG

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

I

Don't get it..what's so funny about that?

--
Never argue with a pig. It makes you look foolish and it anoys the hell out of the pig!

Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer inquires, "Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Corvette?" The engineer sits up straight and says, "Wow! Are you kidding?" The interviewer replies, "Yeah, but you started it."

Always get context...lol

Always beware of teachers.

Wet celery???

GeoC320 wrote:

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices a very attractive woman waving at him.

She says, 'Hello.'

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he asks, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife.

So he asks, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table, with all my buddies watching, while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

Good!!!

Good!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Bathroom Privileges

A country club didn’t allow women on the golf course. Eventually, there was enough pressure that they decided to allow women on the course during the week.
The ladies were satisfied with this arrangement, formed a women’s league and became active. After about six months, the club board received a letter from the women’s league complaining about the men urinating on the golf course. Naturally, they just ignored the matter.
After another siz months, they received another letter reminding them of the previous letter and demanding action.
After due deliberation, the board sent the women a letter advising them that they had been granted equal privileges.

Especially for English Language Lovers..

Especially for English Language Lovers..

Can any one tell the difference between 'Completed' and 'Finished'? No dictionary has ever been able to define the difference between 'Complete' and 'Finished.' However, in a linguistic conference, held in London England, Thulaseedharan B an Indian British was the clever winner. His final challenge was this.

His response was:

When you marry the right woman, you are 'Complete.'
If you marry the wrong woman, you are 'Finished.'
And, when the right woman catches you with the wrong woman, you are 'Completely Finished.' His answer received a five minute standing ovation.

Computer Advertising Terms Defined

NEW - Different color from previous design.
ALL NEW - Parts are not interchangeable with previous design.
EXCLUSIVE - Imported product.
UNMATCHED - Almost as good as the competition.
FOOLPROOF OPERATION - No provision for adjustments.
ADVANCED DESIGN - The advertising agency doesn't understand it.
IT'S HERE AT LAST - Rush job. Nobody knew it was coming.
FIELD TESTED - Manufacturer lacks test equipment.
HIGH ACCURACY - Unit on which all parts fit.
FUTURISTIC - No other reason why it looks the way it does.
REDESIGNED - Previous flaws fixed - we hope.
DIRECT SALES ONLY - Factory had a big argument with
distributor.
YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - We finally got one to work.
BREAKTHROUGH - We finally figured out a use for it.
MAINTENANCE FREE - Impossible to fix.
MEETS ALL STANDARDS - Ours, not yours.
SOLID-STATE - Heavy as anything!
HIGH RELIABILITY - We made it work long enough to ship it.

A Letter to the Other Man!

When This Husband Suspected His Wife Of Cheating On Him, He Wrote This Note To “The Other Man”

If you suspected your partner was cheating on you with another man/woman, how would you deal with it?

Some people would flip out and confront their partner with any evidence they may have. Others may just leave without saying a word.

The guy in this story however chose to deal with things a little differently. When he suspected his wife was chating on him with another man while he is out of town, he decided to write a letter to the othet guy.

He posted the amusing note on CraigsList. I am not sure if it is genuine but if it is, I would really love to know more about how this worked out.

The letter starts out:

To the guy doing my wife. You know who you are. Yes I know. No I am not angry, I would just ask a few things of you. After all you are giving it to my wife.

1. Please stop leaving the seat up, I keep getting blamed and it is starting to get old.

2. You may be giving me a chance to go fishing more often but please stop drinking all my beer.

It is fine if you have a couple while you visit (god knows I drink plenty before I find her attractive), but please leave me a few as I have to be there longer than you.

3. If you do drink the last one buy more or leave money on the counter I will pick some up.

4. Please replace the toilet paper when you use it all. For some reason my 5 year old son believes if its not there he does not have to wipe. We keep it under the sink, unless you can recommend a better spot?

5. After doing my wife please use something disposable to wipe off with. The basket of clothes on the right is mine and the clothes are clean as my wife does not do my washing, I run out of time rushing to work. Last week my sweatshirt was crusty(thanks).

6. Please do not tell my children that you are their uncle, they are young not
mentally challenged.

7. Please stop turning the heat up, You pay nothing and MUD is putting it in my ass, my wife may like it but I think it hurts.

8. When she asks “do these pants make me look fat”, say no. You may think giving a different answer will make her think twice about eating a gallon of ice cream a day but all you are doing is giving her a reason to go buy more pants that she will look just as fat in.

9. Stop eating the baked goods. The brownies you ate were from my mom for my birthday. My wife has not cooked anything that good for years and if she does she will not share.

10. Try shifting your weight when you sit on my chair. The recliner that I rarely have time for (soccer games and practice, basketball camp for the kids takes much of my time and I try to help with school work too)has a grove in it that forces me to roll to the left.

Lastly I would like thank you for taking her to lunch on Valentines Day. She was not as hungry as usual and only ordered one meal. I may be able to use the money I saved to take the children to a movie. I hope you can help me with these items, it may become awkward if I have to confront her. If you can do this for me I will give you a heads up on when I will be gone and for how long so that you don’t feel rushed.

P.S. I am going to take the kids to the Great Wolf Lodge on the 3rd of April for four days, I have a bottle of vodka above the fridge if you find yourself low on beer.

Thanks This was not written by anyone named Jack S.

do NOT contact me with unsolicited services or offers

--
Never argue with a pig. It makes you look foolish and it anoys the hell out of the pig!

The alien vessel landed quietly on St Peter's square in Rome...

A hatch opened and two little grey men with dazzling smiles appeared. They were promptly granted an audience with the Pope.
After a brief discussion about the weather, the Pope said, "I know this question may sound odd to you, but I was wondering if you and your kind knew about Jesus Christ?"
"Jesus Christ?!" exclaimed the slightly taller of two aliens. "Of course we do! He visits our planet every two years or so. Awesome fellow!"
A hush descended on the audience chamber, and everyone watched the Pope, whose face had turned a rather odd purple.
"Every two years?" he shouted. "We're still waiting for his second coming!"
"Maybe he didn't like your chocolate?" suggested the alien.
"Chocolate?" replied the Pope. "What in heaven's name does chocolate have to do with it?"
"Well," said the alien. "When he came to our planet, we gave him chocolate. Why, what did you do?"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Only An Aussie Can Make You Feel Like A Woman

A plane passed through a severe storm. The turbulence was awful, and things went from bad to worse when one wing was struck by lightning.
One woman lost it completely.

She stood up in the front of the plane and screamed, 'I'm too young to die,' she cried. Then she yelled, 'If I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! Is there anyone on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN?'

For a moment, there was silence. Everyone stared at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then the man from Australia stood up in the rear of the plane

He was handsome, tall, well built, with dark brown hair and hazel eyes. Slowly, he started to walk up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt as he went, one button at a time. No one moved. He removed his shirt. Muscles rippled across his chest.

She gasped...Then, he spoke...

'Iron this, and then get me a beer'

The $64,000 question

Its the final round of the $64,000 question and only 3 remaining contestants are left, an Englishman, a Texan and an Arkansan.

The question is, finish the following song title and spell the answer.

"Old Macdonald had a ____".

The Englishman goes 1st and says "estate" "e-s-t-a-t-e".

The announcer says sorry wrong answer, but right spelling, meanwhile the Arkansan is going nuts he is so excited he cannot control himself.

The Texan goes next and answers " Ranch", "r-a-n-c-h".

The announcer says sorry wrong answer but right spelling, and the Arkansan is jumping up and down and he is so excited he almost screams.

The announcer turns to the Arkansan and says "for $64,000 what is the answer".

The Arkansan answers "farm" , "e-i-e-i-o"

--
Never argue with a pig. It makes you look foolish and it anoys the hell out of the pig!

Catholic Terminology

AMEN – the only part of a prayer that everyone knows.
BULLETIN – Your receipt for attending Mass.
CHOIR – A group of people whose singing allows the rest of the Parish to lip-sync.
HOLY WATER – A liquid whose chemical formula is H2OLY.
HYMN – A song of praise usually sung in a key three octaves higher than that of the congregation’s range.
RECESSIONAL HYMN – The last song at Mass often sung a little more quietly, since most of the people have already left.
INCENSE – Holy Smoke!
JESUITS – An order of priests known for their ability to found colleges with good basketball teams.
JONAH – The original “Jaws” story.
JUSTICE – When kids have kids of their own.
KYRIE ELEISON The only Greek words that most Catholics can recognize besides gyros and baklava.
MAGI – The most famous trio to attend a baby shower.
MANGER – Where Mary gave birth to Jesus because Joseph wasn’t covered by an HMO. Holiday travel has always been rough.
PEW – A medieval torture device still found in Catholic churches.
PROCESSION – The ceremonial formation at the beginning of Mass consisting of altar servers, the celebrant, and late parishioners looking for seats.
RECESSIONAL – The ceremonial procession at the conclusion of Mass led by parishioners trying to beat the crowd to the parking lot.
RELICS – People who have been going to Mass for so long, they actually know when to sit, kneel, and stand.
USHERS – The only people in the parish who don’t know the seating capacity of a pew.

A rich guy buys a new car

A rich guy buys a new car , the newest Ferrari model with the maximum speed of 400 km per hour, very proud of this new car he decides to take it for a spin.He drives around for a while until he runs out of gas, he pulls over to the nearest gas station and fills up the car and then goes back in to the car but before he could close the door and go on his way a short nerd with glasses , white shirt , pen protector , suspenders riding a bicycle comes to his car and asks the rick guy:
-Hey nice car , can I have a ride?
The rich guys closes the door in his face and leaves.
He drives with 100 km per hour and suddenly after a couple of minutes the nerd goes blazing in front of him, overtaking the Ferrari. The rich guy pissed accelerates and goes to 200 km and overtakes the nerd , after a couple of minutes again the nerd overtakes the Ferrari.
The rich guy accelerates again, he goes to 300 km , leaving the nerd behind , would you know after a couple of minutes the nerd overtakes the Ferrari again.
That is it , the rich guy accelerates to the maximum speed of 400 km, overtakes the nerd laughing , no way he can catch up to him now. But after a couple of minutes the nerd is blazing in front of the Ferrari like is nothing stopping him .
The rich guy pissed, pulls over, annoyed that even a bicycle can outrun him. After a couple of moments the nerd comes to the windows , out of breath .
-Huh huh huh , g-g-g-glad you st-t-topped I had my suspenders caught in the car door.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Snow Joke

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Brooklyn were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through." So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow plows can get through." The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow plows can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married exhibit, the husband replied, "Why don't you just leave the car in the garage this time."

.
.
I didn't see it coming either.

--
Nuvi2797LMT,Nuvi1490LMT, Nuvi260,Ford Sync3 Navigation. Captain Cook was a Yorkshire man too.

OOOPS!

A man goes into hospital for a vasectomy. When he wakes up he's surrounded by several anxious looking doctors and asks nervously "Is there a problem?"

The head surgeon says gently, with tears in his eyes "I'm afraid so...I'm sorry but your notes got mixed up and we've given you a sex change rather than a vasectomy"

The patient is devastated and shockingly replies "Do you mean to say I'll never experience another erection"

The surgeon pauses for a moment then says "Well, you might, but it won't be yours."

One Line Groaners-Part 5

Having sex in an elevator is wrong on so many levels.

A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are sketch

I am so poor I can't even pay attention.

I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.Why don't cannibals eat clowns? They taste funny.

Did you hear about the Italian chef with a terminal illness? He pastaway.

ATTENTION: Alien females are

ATTENTION:

Alien females are invading Earth and are kidnapping our best golfers for wanton sex.

I'm not telling you this to warn you. Rather; I am simply explaining my anticipated absence!

--
I spend 80% of my money on airplanes & beer. The rest is wasted.

A farmer is being interviewed about his cows

Interviewer: How much milk do these cows give?
Farmer: Which one? The Black one or the brown one?
Interviewer: Brown one.
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer: And the black one?
Farmer: A couple of litres per day.
Interviewer(naturally a bit flummoxed): I see. What do you give them to eat?
Farmer: Which one? Black or brown?
Interviewer: Black.
Farmer: It eats grass.
Interviewer: And the other one?
Farmer: Grass.
Interviewer(now annoyed) : Why do you keep asking which one when the answers are the same?!
Farmer: Because the black one’s mine.
Interviewer: Oh, and the brown one?
Farmer: It’s also mine

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Three sons go to their father on his deathbed...

A father of three - a man of considerable wealth and creator of a veritable empire - lies on his deathbed in the final hours of his life. His sons - all vying to inherit his wealth - stand by his side, arguing over who should take the kingdom.
"I am the smartest," says one.
"But I am the bravest," replies another.
The youngest - last in line to inherit - says nothing.
"Sons, sons! Stop this bickering. The inheritor or my vast wealth, of all my lands and riches, will be decided by a task."
"Father," cries the first son, "Whatever it is, I shall prove my worth! I will show you that your kingdom will be in safe hands with me! Name the task!"
The father breaths a laboured breath and then regards his first son.
"My firstborn, you shall journey to the furthest, storm-tossed seas of the great West. There, you will search the unfathomable depths for the long-lost wreck of the HMS Gordimer. Deep within her bowels, there lies a treasure chest. Inside that chest is the incredibly rare Gem of Kings. Bring that, and you shall have my blessing."
The son beams, prepares his horse and travelling train, and leaves on his quest.
"What is my task, father?" asks the second son. "Tell me! For your kingdom, for your blessing, nothing is impossible!"
"My son, you shall travel East. There, deep within the jungles of the Gargadian jungles, you will find the vicious and savage saber-toothed Bear. WIth just your hands, bring me its heart. Do this, and you shall have my blessing."
The son packs his things and begins his tough journey.
"And me father?" asks the last son. "What is my task? What dangerous quest will you have me do?"
The father just looks at him.
"My boy," he says. "Get me a Coke. I never liked those brats."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!
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