Factory Joke Thread – January 2017

 

This is the official POI Factory Joke thread.

It will be closed on the last day of the month and a new one will be opened.

Please read the forum rules before posting.

"POI Factory is not a forum for politically charged debate.
Let's avoid topics that already have a long list of Democrat or Republican talking points or that name specific politicians."

~Angela

Related links

See also

--
"The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit." -- Somerset Maugham
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New Years Eve.

New Years Eve
On New Year's Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

Worse Day

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, what are you gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says,
"I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me.
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!"
But, enough about me. How are you doing?"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project..

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"
A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.
After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message.
Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was: "Watch out for these guys; they have come to steal your land."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

New Years Eve

smile

--
Nuvi 2460

I was there by the Bartender!

I was there by the Bartender!

Elderly Couple

A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they’re physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember.

Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. ‘Want anything while I’m in the kitchen?’ he asks.

‘Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?’ she says.

‘Sure.' he replies.

‘Don’t you think you should write it down so you can remember it?’ she asks.

‘No, I can remember it.’ he says.

She adds ‘Well, I’d like some Strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?’

He says, ‘I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.’

‘I’d also like whipped cream. I’m certain you’ll forget that, write it down?’ she asks.

Irritated, he says, ‘I don’t Need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!’

Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs.

She stares at the plate for a moment and asks ‘Where’s my toast?’

Yep

Which is worse, ignorance or apathy?
Who knows, who cares.

I was there by the Bartender!

visiter555 wrote:

I was there by the Bartender!

Where? It must be the new year, I'm not getting this one.

Damn all the stores pushing

Damn all the stores pushing crap for fake holidays. National Pancake Day is seven weeks away and Kroger already has flour and eggs on the shelves!

--
I spend 80% of my money on airplanes & beer. The rest is wasted.

Two Guys in a Bar and a Genie

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. He sees another guy drinking, and notices he is sitting next to a tiny person playing a piano on the bar

"Nice piano player" the guy says. "Where did you get that." The drinking guy reaches into his pocket and pulls out a lamp.

"Here, rub the lamp and you will get three wishes," he says. "Just make sure you speak clearly"

The guy rubs the lamp, and a genie appears. "You have three wishes" the genie says. "A million bucks!" the guy shouts, and with the nod of the genie's head, one million ducks appear in the bar, quacking and flapping about.

Disappointed the guy says, "I didn't ask for a million ducks!"

His drinking buddy leans over and mutters, "Do you think I asked for an 11 inch pianist?"

RING

Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut, and bruised, and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. Didn't you have something in your hand?" That I did," said Paddy, "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

HOUSE CALL

A young doctor moved out to a small community to replace the aging doctor there. The older doctor suggested that the younger doctor accompany him as he made his house calls so that the people of the community could become accustomed to him. At the first house they visited, the younger doctor listened intently as the older doctor and an older lady discussed the weather, their grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After some time, the older doctor asked his patient how she had been feeling. "I've been a little sick to my stomach," she replied. "Well," said the older physician, "you've probably been over doing it a bit with the fresh fruit. Why don't you cut back on the amount of fresh fruit you eat and see if that helps." As they left the house, the younger doctor asked how the older doctor had reached his diagnosis so quickly. "You didn't even examine that woman," the younger doctor stated. "I didn't have to," the elder physician explained. "You noticed that I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there. Well when I bent over to pick it up, I looked around and noticed a half dozen banana peels in the trash can. That is probably what has been making her ill." "That's pretty sneaky," commented the younger doctor. "Do you mind if I try it at the next house?" "I don't suppose it could hurt anything," the elder physician replied. At the next house, the two doctors visited with an elderly widow. They spent several minutes discussing the weather and grandchildren and the latest church bulletin. After several minutes, the younger doctor asked the widow how she had been feeling lately. "I've felt terribly run down lately," the widow replied. "I just don't have as much energy as I used to." "You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor suggested without even examining his patient. "Perhaps you should ease up a bit and see if that helps." As they left, the elder physician said, "Your diagnosis is probably right, but do you mind telling me how you came to that conclusion?" "Sure," replied the younger doctor. "Just like you, I dropped my stethoscope on the floor. When I bent down to pick it up, I looked around and there was the preacher hiding under the bed!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The Irish Sinner

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. He'd never been to church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with him and said, "Murphy, I am so glad ya decided to come to Mass. What made ya come?"
Murphy said, "I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like mine and I knew he came to church every Sunday. I also knew that he had to take off his hat during Mass and figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal McGlynn's hat." The priest said, "Well, Murphy, I notice that ya didn't steal McGlynn's hat. What changed your mind?"
Murphy replied, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 Commandments, I decided that I didn't need to steal McGlynn's hat after all." With a tear in his eye the priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; "After I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal' ya decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell?" Murphy slowly shook his head. "No, Father, after ya talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' I remembered where I left me hat.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Dr Geezer

Dr Geezer's Clinic

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr.Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor "Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr.Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr.Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ?? "

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Aaagh !! This is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.

Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."

Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."

Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.

Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!

Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, "Here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)

Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"

Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! ; That will be $500."

Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer."

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Choice

A man was golfing one day and was struck by lightning. He died and went up to heaven.
Saint Peter told him when he arrived at the gates of heaven that the bolt of lightning was actually meant for his golf partner. But, because God doesn’t want it known that he makes mistakes, the man would have to go back to earth as someone other than himself.
The man thought about it for awhile and announced to Saint Peter that he wanted to return to earth as a lesbian.
Saint Peter asked the man why a macho guy like himself would choose to return as a lesbian.
The man answered, “It’s simple really. This way I can still make love to a woman, and I can hit from the red tees!”

That is a great idea...The

That is a great idea...The Red Tees! lol

New Year joke

A man was riding his motorcycle down Hwy 281 in Texas, when suddenly the sky cleared above his head and in a booming voice, the Lord said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."

The biker pulled over and said, "Please Lord, build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking; the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific and the concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help mankind."

The biker thought about it for a long time. Finally, he said, "Lord, I wish that I and all men could understand women;
I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong, why she snaps and complains when I try to help, and how I can make a woman truly happy."

The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?”

--
Using Android Based GPS.The above post and my sig reflects my own opinions, expressed for the purpose of informing or inspiring, not commanding. Naturally, you are free to reject or embrace whatever you read.

There were three medieval kingdoms on the shores of a lake.

There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor. When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

A long life.

An elderly, but hardy cattleman from Texas once told a young female neighbor that if she wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on her oatmeal each morning.

She did this religiously and lived to the age of 103!

She left behind14 children, 30 grandchildren, 21 great-grandchildren, five great-great-grandchildren and a 40 foot hole where the crematorium used to be.

--
GPSmap76Cx handheld, Nuvi 2557LMT, Nuvfi 2598LMTHD

Set up...

Timantide wrote:

There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor. When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

...was a bit long, but worth it.

razz

~Angela

--
"The ability to quote is a serviceable substitute for wit." -- Somerset Maugham

Set up

Thank you

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Viagra

A 96-year-old man who goes into a pharmacy and asks for Viagra. He then requests that each tablet be cut up into quarters.

The pharmacist says, "Sure, I can do that, but you realize a quarter won't give you a full erection?"

The old man replied, "I'm 96. I'm too old for that game. I just want them to work enough so I don't piss on my slippers."

Aaaarrrrgggghhhhh!!!!

Timantide wrote:

There was an island in the middle of the lake, over which the kingdoms had been fighting for years. Finally, the three kings decided that they would send their knights out to do battle, and the winner would take the island. The night before the battle, the knights and their squires pitched camp and readied themselves for the fight. The first kingdom had 12 knights, and each knight had five squires, all of whom were busily polishing armor, brushing horses, and cooking food. The second kingdom had twenty knights, and each knight had 10 squires. Everyone at that camp was also busy preparing for battle. At the camp of the third kingdom, there was only one knight, with his squire. This squire took a large pot and hung it from a looped rope in a tall tree. He busied himself preparing the meal, while the knight polished his own armor. When the hour of the battle came, the three kingdoms sent their squires out to fight (this was too trivial a matter for the knights to join in). The battle raged, and when the dust had cleared, the only person left was the lone squire from the third kingdom, having defeated the squires from the other two kingdoms, thus proving that the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.

This was soooooooooooo bad that I had to send it to someone I know who does this sort of thing. Bwahahahahahah...!!!

It's unusual to actually see something here that I haven't seen before. Very nice. cool

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GPSMAP 76CSx - nüvi 760 - nüvi 200 - GPSMAP 78S

Old Robert.

>
> Robert , 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Robert should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
>
>
> After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Robert, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Robert takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
>
> After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it’s Robert, Again he is ready for more ‘action’. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Robert kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
>
> She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it Robert is back again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25 – year – old, ready for more ‘action’. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Robert gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, ‘I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Robert.’
>
> Robert, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: ‘You mean I was here already?’

--
GPSmap76Cx handheld, Nuvi 2557LMT, Nuvfi 2598LMTHD

SENIORS THINK LIST

After an argument with my wife, I like to tighten the lids on all jars so I can say "Oh, You need me know?"

Bungee jump? I came into this world as the result of a broken rubber... and I'm not going out because of one.

If sex with three people is called a threesome ans sex with two people is called a twosome... you should understand why they call me handsome.

My wife asked me to look at things from a woman standpoint so I looked out of the kitchen window.

The most used sex position for married couples is doggy style... The husband sits up and begs and the wife rolls up and plays dead.

My wife is a sex object. Every time I ask for sex, she objects.

If you're wrong and you shut up you're wise. If you're right and you shut up, you're married.

thanks

you guys put a smile on my face with these lol

A dad buys a lie detector robot that slaps you if you lie.

Dad: Son, where were you at school hours?
Son: At school. The robot slaps the son.
Son: Okay I was watching Kung Fu Panda! The robot slaps his son again.
Son: Okay I was watching violent movies!
Dad: What?! When I was your age I never watched those kinds of movies! The robot slaps the dad.
Mom: Haha, after all, he is your son. The robot slaps the mom...

Life's little wonders

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

A man is driving down the road a breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.
Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."
The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."
The man sets about his task.
After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks.
"In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."
The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound." The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.
Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......
... ...
...
...
...
...
...
But, of course, I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Where’s my toast?

Been there, done that

Joke of the Week

Joke of the Week
True story: An assignment in a creative writing class at Slippery Rock University required students to write a concise essay containing the following elements: religion, royalty, sex and mystery. The winning essay: “My God,” said the Queen. “I am pregnant! I wonder who did it?”
Thanks to RV Travel Newsletter.

--
johnm405 660 & MSS&T

One of the funniest lines I've heard this week:

"The average om screen meteorologist can't tell you what yesterday's weather was, let alone today or tomorrow's" razz

A guy goes into the confessional box after years

He pulls aside the curtain, enters and sits himself down. There’s a fully equipped bar with crystal glasses, the best vestry wine, Guinness on tap, cigars and liqueur chocolates nearby, and on the wall a fine photographic display of various women who appear to have misplaced their garments.
He hears a priest come in. “Father, forgive me for it’s been a very long time since I’ve been to confession and I must admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be.” The priest replies, “Get out, you idiot. You’re on my side!”

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Good Stuff

Good stuff as always. Lot's of Irish jokes. Love it!

Good One!!

Good One!!

--
Kingston, Tennessee

Slippers...oy vay!

That's a great solution...pharmarcare will pay for Viagra but not slippers!

TheBeachBum wrote:

A 96-year-old man who goes into a pharmacy and asks for Viagra. He then requests that each tablet be cut up into quarters.

The pharmacist says, "Sure, I can do that, but you realize a quarter won't give you a full erection?"

The old man replied, "I'm 96. I'm too old for that game. I just want them to work enough so I don't piss on my slippers."

Very True!

350Zee wrote:

"The average on screen meteorologist can't tell you what yesterday's weather was, let alone today or tomorrow's" razz

COFFEE AND TESTICLES

A guy goes into the Broomfield, Colorado Post Office to apply for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee."

"OK, Have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes," he says, "I was in Afghanistan for one tour."

The interviewer says, "That will give you five extra points toward employment." Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles."

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Disabled in your country's service!

Well, that qualifies for extra bonus points. Okay. Looking at the regulations you have got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 am, and plan on starting at 10:00 am every day.

"The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 am to 4:00 PM, why don't you want me here until 10:00 am?"

"This is a government job," the interviewer says. "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in your coming in for that."

What's the bet?

Mac and Jimmy were playing their home course.
Mac putted out and walked back to the cart.
As Jimmy sank his putt, Mac suddenly jumped out of the cart and dropped his pants. He had just sat on a bee and got a nasty sting. In a lot of pain, Mac desperately asked his partner to get the stinger out.
The scene of a man kneeling next to his playing partner’s bare rear end was too much for the group playing behind the twosome.
The group raced up to the two golfers and asked a single question, “What was the bet?”

An American biker decides to travel the world...

Once upon a time there lived an American biker named Rick. Now, Rick loved to ride his motorcycle, but was tired of driving up and down the same roads, day after day.
One morning, he woke up, and decided to travel the world. So he saved up some money, got on a plane, along with his trusty Harley, and set out to explore the globe.
For the next few weeks, Rick spent his days riding to and through some of the most popular European cities like Paris, London, and Rome.
After seeing all Europe had to offer, he moved on to explore the rest of the world. Over the next few months, he rode through the African savannas, the deserts of Egypt, and even made it to the top of Mount Everest.
He was having the time of his life until he reached a small town in China. Unexpectedly, and out of nowhere, a beautiful Chinese maiden crossed his path, causing him to fly off and crash his motorcycle. Apologizing, the maiden offered Rick to pay for the repairs and a place to stay while they fixed his bike. "My name is Yu! It's an honor to meet you!" the beautiful maiden introduced herself to Rick.
It turned out she was the daughter of a rich magistrate, so he spent the night in a small palace in the center of town. However, due to the scarcity of motorcycle parts, Rick had to spend several days in the palace, in the presence of Yu. Over the next few days, she took a liking to him and his strange American ways. As expected, Rick took a liking to her, too.
The two quickly became inseparable, but Yu's father did not approve, for Rick was an outsider. By the time the motorcycle was finally up and running, Rick had fallen madly in love with Yu and refused to leave. Yu begged her father to let him stay, but instead, the Magistrate had Rick banished from the town. He warned him if he ever came back, he would have him beheaded.
Rick was devastated, he had no motivation to continue on the rest of his journey. It seemed as though there was nothing left for him in the world, if he didn't have his beloved Chinese maiden.
So he did the only thing any other sane guy would do....
Rick rolled back into town screaming,
"I'm never gonna give Yu up!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

Never get back that time

Timantide,

I am never going to get back that time from reading your pun. /slaps forehead

smile

--
Garmin Nuvi 2699 with 2017.30 Maps

An atheist is deep sea fishing.

An atheist is out on the Atlantic ocean deep sea fishing when his boat is attacked by the Kraken. Huge tentacles wrap around the boat and begin to rip it in two. He looks over the boat straight into the jaws of the beast and screams "Oh God! Help!"
Time freezes. A ray of light shines down on him and he hears a deep voice say "I thought you didn't believe I was real."
"Come on, God, cut me a break!" the man responds. "A few seconds ago, I didn't believe the Kraken was real either!"

--
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

The Will.

Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him. He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak: "My son, Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses. "My daughter Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end." "My son, Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre. "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river." The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property". The wife replies, "The jerk had a paper route."

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Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things!

One Line Groaners

How did I escape Iraq? Iran.

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.

Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball

Well I just witnessed

Well I just witnessed something that I have never in my life seen or imagined.
I stopped at the QT at Harvard and I-44 to fill up the truck. About two pumps over was a girl about 30 or so fueling up. What got my attention was that she had a lit cigarette in one hand and the fuel handle in her other hand. I just about said something, but I then noticed two TPD officers coming out the side door to get in their vehicles.
Just as they opened the doors to their units, I heard a sound like almost a small bomb had gone off. I looked over at this girl and one of her arms was completely engulfed in flames. She was hollering and waving her arm around to try and put out the fire, to no avail. Just as I started to run over to help, the two officers ran over, threw her on the ground and put out the fire with an extinguisher from somewhere.
I thought the ambulance would be there shortly, but they stood her up, turned her around and put handcuffs on this woman.
By this time the pain in her burnt arm was pretty excruciating as she was screaming to the officers and just about anyone else who could hear.
I thought, this can't be happening to this poor woman, so I slowly walked up to one of the officers and asked if they were going to take her to the ER and he said no, she's going to jail.
I'm in disbelief so I asked him if it was because she was smoking a cig while pumping gas, and he said No........
It's because she was waving a firearm around

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I spend 80% of my money on airplanes & beer. The rest is wasted.

I loved my grandfather. I

I loved my grandfather. I will never forget his last words to me, "Stop shaking this ladder you little ..."

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I spend 80% of my money on airplanes & beer. The rest is wasted.

Good One!!!

Good One!!!

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Kingston, Tennessee

The fastest thing

An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an
Individual to fill a job opening.
After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were
equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one
question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the
job. The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the
interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" He looked
at the first man on his right.
The man replied, "A THOUGHT. It just pops into your head. There's no
warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the
Fastest thing I know of."
"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he
asked the second man. "Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and
you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I
know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's
a very popular cliche for speed."
He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.
"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall
there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the
pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep,
TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."
The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he
had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.
Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the
same question.
Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers.
"It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."
"WHAT!" said the interviewer, stunned by the response?
"Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't
feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but, before I could THINK,
BLINK, Or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already ~ Censored ~ in my pants."

Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you !!!!

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