Factory Joke Thread – February 2017

For my fortieth birthday, my husband (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local gym for me. Although I am still in great shape, nice rack, tight buns from my track and field days some 25 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try and maybe get a bit of a tune up if you will,

I called the gym and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Damon, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.

My husband seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started!

The gym encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

Monday:

Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Damon waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, seductive eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Damon gave me a tour and showed me the machines.

He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill and was alarmed that it was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next to him in his gym top and bulging shorts.

I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today.

Very inspiring. Damon was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.

This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

Tuesday:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.

Damon made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it!

My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. Damon's rewarding smile made it all worthwhile.

I feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.

Wednesday:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by lying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it.

I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals.

Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop.

I ran over the gym manager in the parking lot.

Damon was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for this early in the morning
and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so he put me on the "Stair Monster".

Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators?

Damon told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life.

He said some other **** too.

Thursday:

Damon was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.

I couldn't help being a half an hour late; it took me that long to tie my shoes.

Damon took me to work out with dumbbells.

When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the women's change room.

He sent Cheryl to find me, then, as punishment, put me on the rowing machine -- which I sank.

Friday:

I hate that bastard Damon more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world.

Stupid, masochistic gym-jock.

If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

He wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps!

And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the fricken barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school you attended and graduated magna *** laude from.)

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on the nutrition advisor. Why couldn't it have been someone big and soft, like an ice-cream salesman or a fireman?

Saturday:

Damon left a message on my answering machine in his grating, whining voice, wondering why I did not show up today.

Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my rolling pin.

However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel.

Sunday:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over.

I will also pray that next year my husband (the bastard) will choose a really nice gift for me that is fun -like a root canal or a pap smear!

Very Good

Good One!!!

After a game of golf, a lady golfer offered her caddy a ride into town. The caddy thankfully accepted and carried her clubs inside. The lady invited him to stay for lunch and served him a wonderful meal.
She then invited him into the bedroom. He was puzzled but went along out of curiosity. She asked if he wanted to go to bed with her, so he did that too. Later he realized it was time to get back to the course and prepared to leave. The housewife insisted on giving him a dollar before he could go.
This was too much for the poor man, and he asked her ʺLady, what is going on? First, you feed me a delicious meal, and as if that isnʹt enough, you invite me to make love to you, and we have a terrific time together. Now you want to pay me? What is this anyway?ʺ
So she explained proudly, ʺI told my husband I wanted to do something nice for my caddy who has been so faithful and helped me so much this year, so my husband said, ‘Screw the caddy! Give him a dollar!'”
The lady smiled,”But lunch was my idea.”

A mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her
son-in-law Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly
packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy ?" she asks anxiously.

“What happened? I'll tell you what happened!
I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home
today from my fishing trip. I get home and guess what I found?
Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed!
This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

“Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" she says. "There is something very
odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple
explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
“Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation ........
she never got your e-mail!"

Paddy and Murphy went out one day and each bought a pig.

When they got home, Paddy turned to Murphy and said, "Murphy, how we gonna tell who owns which pig?"

Murphy says, "Well Paddy, I'll cut one a ta' ears off my pig, and ten we can tell 'em apart."

"Ah, tat'd be grand," says Paddy.

This worked fine for a couple of weeks until Paddy stormed into the house.

"Murphy," he said, "Your pig has chewed the ear off my pig. Now we got two pigs with one ear each. How we gonna tell who owns which pig?"

"Well Paddy," said Murphy, "I'll cut ta other ear off my pig. Ten we'll av two pigs and only one of them will av one ear."

"Ah, tat'd be grand," says Paddy.

Again this worked OK until a couple of weeks later, when Paddy again stormed into the house.

"Murphy," he said, "Your pig has chewed the other ear off my pig. Now we got two pigs with no ears! How we gonna tell who owns which pig?"

"Ah, tis is serious," said Murphy, "I'll tell ya what I'll do. I'll cut ta tail off my pig, ten we'll av two pigs with no ears and only one with a tail."

"Ah, tat'd be grand," says Paddy.

Another couple of weeks went by and you guessed it, Paddy stormed into the house once more.

"Murphy!" shouted Paddy, "Your pig has chewed the tail off my pig and now we got two pigs with no ears and no tails! How are we ever gonna tell 'em apart?"

"Ah, fook it!" says Murphy, "How about you have the black one, and I'll have the white one?"

I went out last week to a Halloween Party dressed as a chicken.

I met a girl dressed as an egg.

A lifelong question was answered:

It was the chicken.

https://s20.postimg.org/lfb976ajh/Guy_In_Bar.png

Just changed my Facebook name to No one' so when I see stupid posts I can click like and it will say No one likes this'.

I am a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect.

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller.

What do you call a bear with no teeth? -- A gummy bear!

If con is the opposite of pro, it must mean Congress is the opposite of progress?

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.
He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.
He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife. He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.
Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'
As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.
People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink..
Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'
Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'
She answered
Teeth

When I iron my clothes, I think I should be a nudist. Then I see myself in the mirror and ... Well, I keep ironing!

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, ...............But I fish on Fridays.

An old geezer became very bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic.

He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if
not cured, get back $1,000."

Doctor Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine,
thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.

Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me ??"
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: Awash !! -- "This is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations!
You've got your taste back. That will be $500.

Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything."
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, -- that is Gasoline!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back . That will be $500."

Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!!"
Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, " Here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill)
Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!"
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."

A young blonde woman was driving through the Florida Everglades while on vacation.
She wanted to take home a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young Blonde declared, "Well then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair
of shoes for free!"
The shopkeeper said with a sly smile, "Well little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?"
The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator.
Later in the day, as the shopkeeper is driving home, he spots the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
As he brings his car to a stop, he sees a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her.
With lightning reflexes, the Blonde takes aim, shoots the creature and hauls it up onto the slippery bank.
Nearby were 7 more dead gators, all lying belly up.
The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement.
The blonde struggles mightily and manages to flip the gator onto its back.
Rolling her eyes heavenward, she screams in frustration,

"DAMN IT this one is barefoot too!!

Now I know...like Austin Powers said "...who cares!"

Being married to a pastry chef can be a pretty crumby life.

Love this monthly thread.

I loved my wife Lorraine in the beginning, but for the longest time I've had a crush on my friend Claire-Lee Robins, who I know feels the same way about me. Eventually Lorraine found out about my secretive feelings, and just like that, she packed her bags and left.
I do feel bad about it all. But then I realised; I can see Claire-Lee now Lorraine has gone.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HcDuBucW8Ls

Good One!!

Jesus and Moses were playing golf. On the 5th hole, a shot over water to an island green, Moses hit his 6-iron and it landed perfectly on the green.
Jesus pulled out his 7-iron and began teeing it up when Moses stopped him.
“The 7 isn’t enough club. It’ll go in the water.”
Jesus replied, “If Tiger Woods can do it, I can do it.”
He swung the 7-iron and, sure enough, it landed straight in the drink. He teed up a second ball and grabbed his 7-iron again.
Moses reminded him of his previous attempt and, again Jesus said, “If Tiger Woods can do it, I can do it.”
Plop. Into the water, it went again.
He continued to try to hit the 7-iron over and over until he ran out of golf balls in his bag. At that point, Jesus began to walk out on the water looking down to locate his lost golf balls. The foursome behind them approached the tee, spotted Jesus out on the lake and said to Moses, “Hey, who does that guy think he is, Jesus Christ?”
“No,” Moses responded. “He thinks he’s Tiger Woods.”

"Get the facts first, and then you can distort them as you like.” - Mark Twain

...for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.
One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
”I think you're bad luck."

The preacher and cab driver die at about the same time, they both appear before St. Peter and Peter says, "Hey guys I want to show you your new mansions." They get down to the first mansion and Peter looks at cab driver and says "Go cab driver to your home and enjoy." Peter then looks at the Preacher and says "Come on preacher lets find your mansion." The preacher is thinking to himself, if this cab driver gets a place like this, I can't wait to see mine. All of a sudden, Peter stops and they are in front of a little shack and the preacher is in total bewilderment and the preacher says "I don't understand, in life I preached on Sundays and Peter says "Yes and when you preached on Sundays, everybody went to sleep but when this cab driver drove, everybody prayed.