Factory Joke Thread – January 2017

Very apropos and funny too!

In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did.
Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return. Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple:
"Who is it?" "It's Mark" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Mark?" "Marijuana from Colombia" "Very well son, come in."
Another soft knock is heard. "Who is it?" "It's Matthew" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Matthew?" "Cocaine from Bolivia" "Very well son, come in."
At the next knock Jesus asks, "Who is it?" "It's John" Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring John?" "Crack from New York" "Very well son, come in."
Someone starts pounding on the door. "Who is it?" "It's Judas"
Jesus opens the door. "What did you bring Judas?" "FREEZE! THIS IS THE FBI!"

Jesus decided to take a stroll on Earth one day. As he strolled along the road, he found a wretch sitting on the curb sobbing. He asked "why are you crying? The wretch said "I am lame and cannot walk around and see the glories God made". Jesus said "Rise up and walk for you are cured" and the man walked.

A bit further on saw another unfortunate sitting on the curb sobbing. He asked "why are you crying? The unfortunate said "I am blind and cannot see the glories God made". Jesus said "Open your eyes, you are cured", and the man saw the wonders of the world and praised God.

Later, He saw yet another man sitting on the curb crying, and again asked "Why are your crying?" The man said "I am a State Worker", and Jesus sat down beside him and wept too.

The difference between Officers and NCO’s...

A young Naval officer was severely wounded in the head by a flight deck
accident, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his
ears were amputated. Since his remaining hearing was sufficient,
he remained in the Navy.

Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Rear
Admiral. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance.

One day the Admiral was interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff.

The first was a Marine Major, a helicopter pilot, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, 'Do you notice anything different about me?'

The young officer answered, 'Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help
but notice that you have no ears.'

The Admiral was displeased with his lack of tact and threw
him out.

The second was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he was even better. The
Admiral then asked him the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?'

He replied sheepishly, 'Well, sir, you have no ears.' The Admiral also threw him out.

The third interview was with an old Master Chief, a staff-trained NCO.
He was smart, articulate, fit, looked sharp, and seemed to know more than the two officers combined.
The Admiral liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question,
'Do you notice anything different about me?'

To his surprise the Master Chief said, 'Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses.'

The Admiral was very impressed and thought, 'What an incredibly observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears.'

He asked, Master Chief, 'How do you know I wear contacts?'

Well, sir, the salty old Master Chief replied, "it's pretty hard to
wear glasses with no freakin' ears!

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.

I'm glad I know sign language, it's pretty handy.

A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.

He opens it to find two sheriff’s deputies there. He asks if there is a problem. One of the deputies asks if he is married. The man replies, “Yes, I am.” The deputy then asks if he could see a picture of the man’s wife. The guy says, “Sure…” and gets a photo to show them. The deputy says, “I’m sorry, sir. But it looks like your wife’s been hit by a truck.” The guy replies, “I know, but she has a great personality and is an excellent cook.”

A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the mirage, only to find a very frail little old Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.

The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?

The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The Taliban shouted hysterically, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need such an over-priced western adornment - I spit on your ties. I need water!

"Sorry, I have none - just ties - pure silk - and only $5."

"Pahh! A curse on your ties, I should wrap one around your scrawny little neck and choke the life out of you, but I must conserve my energy and find water!"

"Okay," said the little old Jewish man, it does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me or that you hate me, threaten my life and call me infidel. I will show you that I am bigger than any of that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find a restaurant. It has the finest food and all the ice-cold water you need...Go In Peace!

Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie!

The Hair Cut

A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before his meeting tomorrow, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.

"I'm afraid not, sir," the clerk told him apologetically,"but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes."

Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later, he pulled out his head and look in the mirror, and saw the besthaircut of his life."Would wonders never cease! This futuristic stuff is amazing," he thought.

Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read,"Manicures $10."

"Why not?" he thought. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and spin. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.

The next machine had a sign that read, "Machine provides a service men need when away from their wives,...... ......... ...... He skipped the rest of the description, and saw PRICE: 50 Cents

"Oh, man.... do I ever need that!" He looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the opening. When the machine started buzzing, he let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out.

Fifteen seconds later it shut off.

With trembling hands,he was able to withdraw his member.... which now had a button neatly sewn on the end

A deaf and mute man stepped up to tee off on the first hole of a golf course when a large burly guy yelled “Hey you! Nobody tees off ahead of Big Ralph.”
Being deaf, the poor guy continued to prepare for his shot. Ralph ran up thinking the deaf mute is being obstinate, and knocked the man to the ground, kicked his ball off of the tee, and prepared to hit his own shot.
After Ralph hit the ball and proceeded down the fairway after it, the mute got up, brushed himself off, waited a moment, and again prepared to hit his shot.
The deaf mute then hit a beautiful shot straight up the middle of the fairway, striking big Ralph in the back of the head, and knocking him unconscious. The mute then walked down the fairway, rolled big Ralph over and held up four fingers in front of Ralph’s face.

Thank You

Nice weather, hot girls playing beach volleyball, barbecues everywhere, laughter and joy. All of a sudden, Satan comes up to him. "Welcome to hell. Enjoy yourself, have a drink, have a hamburger and check out the area. If you need anything or have a question, feel free to ask me." he says. The guy walks along the beach, has a few drinks with a nice girl. He walks over a hill, when he sees a hole in the ground, full with tormented people, flames rising up from the hole. The guy runs towards the beach until he finds Satan. "Hey, I found this hole and all these people are being tormented... What´s that about?" "Oh," Satan says, "that´s for the Christians, they want it that way."

Good One!!

Some men were sitting around the grille, chit-chatting about their games.
“I play golf in the low 80s,” the old man told one of the youngsters at his club.
“Wow,” said the young man, “that’s very impressive.”
“Not really,” said the old man, “Any hotter and I’d probably have a stroke.”

You Tube, Twitter, and FaceBook are merging.

The new company will be called YouTwitFace.