Factory Joke Thread – May 2016

An airline pilot wrote that on this particular flight he had hammered his ship into the runway really hard. The airline had a policy which required the first officer to stand at the door while the passengers exited, smile, and give them a 'Thanks for flying our airline.' He said that, in light of his bad landing, he had a hard time looking the passengers in the eye, thinking that someone would have a smart comment. Finally, everyone had gotten off except for a little old lady walking with a cane.

She said, 'Sir, do you mind if I ask you a question?'

'Why, no, Ma'am,' said the pilot. 'What is it?'

The little old lady said, 'Did we land, or were we shot down?'

Mhhhhh????

There's no such thing as an airplane landing, rather, some crashes are more controlled than others, but they are all crashes.

any that you walk away from is a good one

Good One!!

1. My mother taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me about RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me about LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me about FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

6. My mother taught me about IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

7. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

8. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks like a tornado went through it."

9. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

10. My mother taught me about the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

11. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

12. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

13. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

14. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

15. My mother taught me about MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

16. My mother taught me about ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you'll be cold?"

17. My mother taught me about HUMOR.
"When that lawnmower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

18. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

19. My mother taught me about GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

20. My mother taught me about WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.

21. My mother taught me about SHARING.
" I’m going to give you a piece of my mind!"

22. My mother taught me about FEAR.
"One day you'll have a child who'll do the same things to you."

23. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
'If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

24. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

25. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

26. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

27. And my favourite: my mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

Love Emo!

Mother Lion and Father Lion had gone off hunting, and had told their two children not to wander away. However, a couple of small gnus wandered by, and the baby lions could not resist the temptation to try out their own hunting skills.

They ran out, chased after the gnus, killed them, and started eating them. Just as the baby lions were reaching the end of their meal, the parents appeared in the distance.

One of the baby lions turned to the other, and said:
"That is the end of the gnus. Here again are the head lions."

Simple: No money for her; no patting her for him.

It is "Put your sweater on. I'M cold"

Man talks dirty to a woman it is assault.
Woman talks dirty to a man it is $4.99 per minute.

Two lawyers arrive at the pub and ordered a couple of drinks. They then take sandwiches from their briefcases and begin to eat.

Seeing this, the angry bartender approaches them and says, 'Excuse me, but you cannot eat your own sandwiches in here!'

The two look at each other, shrug and exchange sandwiches.

My mom used to say: Go to bed, I'm tired.

On the first day at the new senior's complex, the manager addressed all the new seniors pointing out some of the rules:
"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.
Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"
At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd and inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

Dana called his friend in tears. “I can’t believe it,” he sobbed. “My wife left me for my golfing partner.”

“Get a hold of yourself, man,” said his friend. “There are plenty of other women out there.”

“Who’s talking about her?” said Dana. “He was the only guy that I could ever beat!”

A doctor is talking to a car mechanic, "Your fee is several times more per hour then we get paid for medical care."

"Yeah, but you see, doc, you have always the same model, it hasn't changed since Adam; but we have to keep up to date with new models coming every month."

A hunter visited another hunter and was given a tour of his home. Ibn the den was a stuffed lion. The visiting hunter asked, "when did you bag him?"

The host said, "that was three years ago, when I went hunting with my wife."

"What's he stuffed with," asked the visiting hunter.

"My wife."

The cowboy lay sprawled across three entire seats in the posh Amarillo theatre. When the usher came by and noticed this he whispered to the cowboy, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat." The cowboy groaned but didn't budge. The usher became more impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there, I'm going to have to call the manager. The cowboy just groaned.

The usher marched briskly back up the aisle. In a moment he returned with the manager. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move the cowboy, but with no success. Finally, they summoned the police. The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's you're name?"

"Sam," the cowboy moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied.... "The balcony."

Why are white trash murders so hard to solve?

There's no dental records and all the DNA matches

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you spend this on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a hot shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up drinking and golf."

Her dog was in heat, but she agreed to look after
her neighbor's male dog while the neighbor was on vacation.
She had a large house and she believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

However,as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard awful howling sounds.
She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together
and unable to disengage, as frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next,
and although it was very late at night, she called her vet,
who answered in a very grumpy voice.

After she explained the problem to him, the vet said,
"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the
male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"Just worked for me," he replied.

An oldie but still made me smile...

“I’m worried about our youngest daughter,” a concerned parent said.
“Why’s that?” asked the spouse.
“I’ve been monitoring Carrie’s online activity. In recent weeks, she’s posted dozens of photos on social media sites, and I’ve noticed she doesn’t appear in a single one of them. I think she’s suffering from low selfie esteem!”

Haahaa

Haahaa

The preacher is talking to the man, saying how he will say a prayer for his quick healing when all of a sudden the man begins to attempt to tell him something
The man motions with his hand so the pastor steps closer "What is it? What do you need?" The pastor asked
The man looks around the room and grabs the pen and paper and scribbles something on the paper
As he hands the paper to the pastor the man passes away. The pastor takes the paper without reading it and folds it into his pocket as he began to read a passage from the bible.
A few days later at the mans funeral the pastor is giving a speech "I knew him very well...and actually I have the rare opportunity of reading his last words that he wrote just before he went to meet the lord. I have not read this note until now so we will all be privileged to hear them together"
The pastor pulls the paper out and reads aloud " It reads, You are stepping on my oxygen cord"

During my physical, my doctor asked me about my daily activity level, so I described a typical day this way:
“Well, yesterday afternoon, I waded along the edge of a lake, drank eight beers, escaped from wild dogs in the heavy brush, marched up and down several rocky hills, stood in a patch of poison ivy, crawled out of quicksand, jumped away from an aggressive rattlesnake and took four “leaks” behind big trees.“
Inspired by the story, the doctor said, “You must be one hell of an outdoors man!”
“No,” I replied, “I’m just a very bad golfer.”

You could substitute "typical geocacher" for "bad golpher" and the joke is still believable . Anyone who has geocached will understand.

Yep. That would be me.

A husband noticing that his wife was starting to do the laundry decided to have some fun and said to her," you should wash you undies in Slim Fast and maybe your butt will shrink ", he says to her.

His wife was not amused and decided a comment like this could not go unanswered.

Next morning the husband gets a pair of underwear from his drawer and finds that a little dust cloud appears when he shakes them out.

He hollers to his wife, " why did you put talcum powder in my underwear" ?

She replies with a snicker, " It's not talcum powder, it's Miracle Grow. "

Good One!!!

Best one I've read in ages

Just wanted to let to all know that I had a terrible accident today, but I am doing better now. I decided today to go horseback riding which I haven't done in years. Well, I got on the horse and started out slow, and then we went a little faster and then we were going as fast as the horse could do. All of a sudden I fell off and caught my foot in the stirrup and the horse was dragging me around in a circle. It wouldn't stop, just going around and around in a circle. If it weren't for a quick thinking man (I owe my life to) I would probably not have made it. Thank goodness the store manager at Wal Mart came out and unplugged the machine.

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm. His friend Doug stops him and asks, 'Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?'

'I got it for my wife, eh.' answers Bob.

'Oh!' exclaims Doug, 'Good trade.'

.

"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

After crawling along at a pitifully slow pace for miles, a passenger train finally stopped. Seeing the guard walking along the track, a passenger leaned out the window and asked: “What’s going on?”

“There’s a cow on the track,” replied the guard.

Ten minutes later, the train moved off and resumed its slow pace, but within five minutes it had stopped again.

The passenger saw the same guard walking past outside once more and asked him: “What happened? Did we catch up with the cow again?”

A witch doctor kept the members of his tribe in virtual subjugation by means of powerful magic. Whenever one of the tribesmen tried to overthrow him, he would be turned into an apple!

One night a group of tribesmen sneaked into his hut, opened his book of magic, learned the apple spell, and turned the witch doctor into an apple!

But the book warned that if the apple ever dried out and changed significantly in weight, it would turn back into the witch doctor, more powerful than ever!

So every day the tribesmen placed the apple on a scale to make sure that its weight remained the same.

Moral: A weigh a day keeps the doctor an apple.

Sounds like an average round for me as well.

Go to your car. Lock your wife and your dog in the trunk. Wait half-an-hour. Open the trunk.
Guess who is happy to see you...

Good One!!!

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....

The first man married a Filipino. He told her that she was to do the dishes
and house cleaning.
It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean
house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do
all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any
results, but the next day he saw it was better.
By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, and
there was a huge dinner on the table.

The third man married a girl from Glasgow . He ordered her to keep
the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals
on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see
anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some
of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye
and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load
the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he pees!

A child asked his father, "How were people born?" So his father said, "Adam and Eve made babies, then their babies became adults and made babies, and so on." The child then went to his mother, asked her the same question and she told him, "We were monkeys then we evolved to become like we are now." The child ran back to his father and said, "You lied to me!" His father replied, "No, your mom was talking about her side of the family."

Good One!!!

A helicopter loses power over a remote Scottish island and makes an emergency landing.

Luckily, there’s a cottage nearby, so the pilot knocks on the door.

“Is there a mechanic in the area?” he asks the woman who answers.

She thinks for a minute.

“No, but we do have a McArdle and a McKay.”

A woman awakes in the middle of the night to find her husband not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him.

She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of hot cocoa in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes away a tear from his eye.

"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room... "Why are you down here at this time of night!?"

The husband looks up from his drink, "It's the 20th Anniversary of the day we met."

She can't believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating? I was 18 and you were only 15," he said solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring and sensitive.

"Yes, I do" she replies.

The husband pauses... The words were not coming easily.

"Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember" said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continued.

"Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, Either you marry my daughter or I will make sure you spend the next 20 years in prison?"

"I remember that, too" she replied softly...

He sighed as he wiped another tear away from his cheek and said, "I would have gotten out today."

MONA LISA'S' JEWISH MOTHER:
"After all the money your father and I spent on braces, this you call a smile?"

CHRISTOPHER COLUMBUS' JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care what you've discovered, you didn't call, you didn't write."

MICHELANGELO'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"The ceiling you paint? Not good enough for you the walls, like the other children?
Do you know how hard it is to get that schmutz off the ceiling?"

NAPOLEON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"You're not hiding your report card? Show me! Take your hand out of your jacket and show me!"

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Again with that hat! Why can't you wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"

THOMAS EDISON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Okay, so I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb. Now turn it off already and go to sleep!"

PAUL REVERE'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"I don't care where you think you have to go, young man, midnight is long past your bedtime!"

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Your senior photograph and you couldn't have done something with your hair?"

MOSES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"Desert, schmesert! Where have you really been for the last forty years?"

BILL GATES' JEWISH MOTHER:
"It would have killed you to become a doctor?"

BILL CLINTON'S JEWISH MOTHER:
"Well, at least she was a nice Jewish girl, that Monica.

A minister parked his car in a no-parking zone in a
large city because he was short of time and couldn't
find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that
read: "I have circled the block 10 times. If I don't
park here, I'll miss my appointment. Forgive us our
trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police
officer along with this note "I've circled this block
for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket I'll lose my
job. Lead us not into temptation."

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, 'Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona .' The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, 'I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser.' The bartender gives him one..

The guy from Coors says, 'I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors.' He gets it.

The guy from Molson Canadian sits down and says, 'Give me a Coke.' The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.
The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask, 'Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?'

The Molson Canadian president replies, 'Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I.'