Factory Joke Thread – November 2015

Good one. Sounds like conditions are improving in Detroit if that is the worst going on.

Back and forth. . . . Back and forth. . . .
In and out . . . . In and out . . .
She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
Between her breasts . And, trickling down the small of her back . . . .
She was hot and bothered. He was in ecstasy . . . a huge smile on his face as his wife moved
Forwards then backwards. Forward backward.
Again and, again . Her heart was pounding now . . . .
Her face was flushed . . . .She moaned then began to groan louder . . . .
Finally . . . totally exhausted . . . she let out a piercing scream .

"OK, OK, you bastard,
I can't parallel park. You do it!

#9 Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

#8 Life is sexually transmitted.

#7 Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

#6 Men have 2 motivations: hunger and hanky-panky, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

#5 Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.

#4 Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

#3 All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

#2 In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal. (I can relate to this.)

#1 Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.

Don't ignore this message. This is your only warning.

Good One!!!

the Masochist who said "Hit Me" and the Sadist who responded "No, I Won't."

A baby who won't take a nap is......

wait for it...

Resisting A Rest!!!

Doug Smith is on his death bed and knows the end is near.

His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.

He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes,and when all is ready he begins to speak:

My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses."

"My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end."

"My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre."

"Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river."

The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says,

"Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".

Sarah replies, "Property ? .... the a$$hole had a paper route!"

One of the "young ones" at work on Friday said "...oh! Gross" I asked whether he meant 144 or yucky.

He looked stunned and had no clue what a "gross" was...

Love it

You Can't run through a campground. You can only ran, because it's past tents.

You Can't run through a campground. You can only ran, because it's past tents.

Little Johnny and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Johnny goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand.
Johnny bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage." Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely." Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough toget a job. You'll need to support Jenny." Again, Johnny instantly replies, "Our allowance.. Jenn makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that should do us just fine." By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Johnny has put so much thought into this. So, he thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Johnny just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."

Little Leroy came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner.
His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Leroy was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Leroy's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy, of course, thought he did.
Leroy's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday. Little Leroy stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend, Leroy
Leroy knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Leroy. I have been a pretty good boy this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Leroy
Leroy knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 3:
Dear God:
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Leroy
Leroy knew he could not send this letter to God either, so he wrote another letter.
LETTER 4:
Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good boy this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good boy if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you, Leroy
Leroy knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get him a bike. By now, Leroy was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go to church. Leroy's mother thought her plan had worked because Leroy looked very sad. "Just be home in time for dinner," his mother said.
Leroy walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary. He slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room. He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen.
Leroy began to write his letter to God.
LETTER 5:
I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed, YOU KNOW WHO.

travels to Mexico on a company-paid trip for a little R&R. One of the nights he and his co-workers hit the local bar, where he order the tilapia fish tacos, and the man swears these are the best tacos he's ever had in his life. He gets an idea and demands to see the chef, who turns out to be a middle-aged local with no understanding of English. While one of his friends translates, the businessman explains his idea.
"These tacos are the best I've ever had. You could really grow a business out of this. What do you do all day?"
After the translations are finished, the local replies, "I fish every day in the mornings, then spend the rest of the day with my family. My wife and I prepare the fish together, and I play with my kids. In the evening, I cook a few meals for some extra money so I can go fishing again."
The businessman scoffs and cuts the air with his hand. "You have it all wrong, mi amigo! Here's what you need to do: First, hire a bunch of others to do your fishing for you. You and your wife get cooking all day, everyday. Make a name for yourself and hire more people to sell your product to all the restaurants in the area until you're a local name. Then open your own place, work hard day and night and make it a success then open another and another, delegating and training more people to take over sections of the business. Grow and expand into other towns, invest in advertising, eventually open up a franchise and go international! At the height of your business, sell it! You'll make a fortune."
The local waits for the translation, thinks carefully, then asks, "and what would I do with this fortune?"
The business laughs and replies, "Whatever you want! You could go finishing everyday, spend all the time with your family, cooking with your wife, playing with your kids . . . "

So as not to be outdone by all the redneck, hillbilly, and Texan jokes, somebody had to come up with this, you know you're from California if:

1. Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.

2. You make over $300,000 and still can't afford a house.

3. You take a bus and are shocked at two people carrying on a conversation in English.

4. Your child's 3rd-grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, and is named Flower.

5. You can't remember .. . is pot illegal?

6. You've been to a baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

7. You have a very strong opinion about where your coffee beans are grown, and you can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

8. You can't remember .. . . is pot illegal?

9.. A really great parking space can totally move you to tears.

10.Gas costs $1.00 per gallon more than anywhere else in the U.S.

11. The guy at 8:30 am at Starbucks wearing a baseball cap and sunglasses who looks like George Clooney really IS George Clooney.

12. Your car insurance costs as much as your house payment.

13. You can't remember .. . .is pot illegal?

14. It's barely sprinkling rain and there's a report on every news station: "STORM WATCH."

15. You pass an elementary school playground and the children are all just standing around busy with their cellphones.

16. Or It's barely sprinkling rain outside, so you leave for work an hour early to avoid all the weather-related accidents.

17. HEY!!!! Is pot illegal????

18. Both you AND your dog have therapists, psychics, personal trainers and cosmetic surgeons.

19. The Terminator was your governor.

20. If you drive illegally, they take your driver's license. If you're here illegally, they want to give you one.

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie.' Artie explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was $10,000.

The Husband said he was willing to pay that amount but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money. Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single dollar bill that rested inside.
Artie sighed, rolled his eyes and reluctantly agreed to accept the dollar as down payment for the dirty deed.

A few days later, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Costco Supermarket. There, he surprised her in the produce department and proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands. As the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath and slumped to the floor, the manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras and observed by the shop's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught and arrested before he could even leave the premises.

Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested.
The next day in the Newspaper, the headline declared...

"ARTIE CHOKES 2 for $1.00 @ Costco"

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days
and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will,
in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens
when you predict snow but don’t get any! We had a
female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed
to have snowed and didn’t, turned to the weatherman
and asked: ‘So Bob, where’s that 8 inches you promised me last night?’
Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew
did too they were laughing so hard!

Funny!

A Rabbi's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the Rabbi's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After six children, this started to get expensive, and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the Rabbi's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the Rabbi's additional children were costing the shul, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for about an hour, the Rabbi rose from his chair and spoke, "Children are a gift from God and we will take as many gifts as He gives us."

Silence fell on the congregation.

In the back of the shul, little old Mrs. Goldberg struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, "RAIN…. is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers!"

A man was stopped by the police around 2 am. The officer asked him where he was going at that time of night. The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late." The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?" The man replied, "That would be my wife."

Miss Beatrice,
The church organist,
Was in her eighties
And had never been married. She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor
came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint
sitting room.
She invited him to have a
seat while she prepared tea...
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young
minister noticed a cut glass
bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water,
and in the water floated of all things, a condom!

When she returned
With tea and scones, they
began to chat. The pastor
tried to stifle his curiosity
About the bowl of water and its
strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said
to place it on the organ,
keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.

http://www.berro.com/funny_pictures_collection/stages_of_man...

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, what are you gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man... and then my dog bit me.
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve; and then you show up and drink the whole damn thing!" But, hell, enough about me. How are you doing?"

Always good jokes here. The "Blonde Cop" joke is a classic that never fails to produce a laugh. The "Alcohol Lecture" is another. LOL

My wife met me at the door last night in a sexy negligee. Only problem is, she was coming home!!

I was at the Apple store and ripped a huge audible stinky fart. Everyone in the store was pissed at me. I said, "Hey. Not my fault you don't have windows."

So True!!!

Why, SIXTY of course!

OMG...lol

In your story, who was wearing the sexy negligee?

LOL
ME TOO !!!!

A Hotel guest calls the Front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you?"

The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out the window."

The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."

The man replies, "Listen you idiot. The window won't open... and that's a maintenance matter.

An Italian guy is out picking up chicks in Roma.
While at his favorite bar, he manages to attract one rather attractive looking blonde. So they’re back at his place, and sure enough, they go at it. After a long while… He climaxes loudly. Then he rolls over, lights up a cigarette and asks her, “So…. you finish?” After a slight pause she replies, “No.”
Surprised, but pleasantly, he puts out his cigarette, rolls back on top of her, and has his way with her again, this time lasting even longer than the first… and this time completing the deed with even louder shouts. Again he rolls over, lights a cigarette, and asks, “So…. you finish?” And again, after a short pause, she simply says “No.”
Stunned, but still acting reflexively on his macho pride, he once again puts out the cigarette, and mounts his companion du jour. This time, with all the strength he could muster up, he barely manages to end the task, but he does, after quite some time and energy is spent. Barely able to roll over, he reaches for his cigarette … lights it again, and then asks tiredly, “So… you finish?”
She says “No. I’m Swedish.”

The doctor says "I've got some good news and I've got some bad news"
The man says "Give me the good news first doc"
The doctor replies "Well, they're going to name a disease after you"

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth." Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!"

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, 'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:

1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a 'Billy-Club'.

3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.

5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Cowboy ... do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?'

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters, 'No ... not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times

"Windows frozen, won't open."
Husband texts back: "Gently pour some lukewarm water over it and then gently tap edges with hammer."
Wife texts back 10 minutes later: "Computer really messed up now."

A couple were holiday shopping at the mall, and the place was packed. As the wife walked through the mall, she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around.
She was quite upset because they had a lot to do and hence, she became worried that she called him on her mobile phone to ask him where he was.
In a quiet voice he said: "Honey, do you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."
He replied: "Well, I'm in the pub next door!"

A small boy named Bruce lived in a suburb of Sydney, Australia None of his classmates liked him cause of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him, "You’re driving me mad Bruce".

One day Bruce's mum came to school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mum honestly, that her son was simply a disaster, getting very low marks, and never had she seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career.

The mum was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from school and moved out of Sydney, relocating to Newcastle.

25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with an incurable cardio disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have heart surgery, which only one surgeon could perform.

Left with no other options, the teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful. When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her.

She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but eventually died.

The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong, when he turned around he saw Bruce working as a cleaner in the clinic who had unplugged the oxygen equipment in order to connect his vacuum cleaner!

Don't tell me you thought Bruce became a heart-surgeon?

nice

Life As A Turkey

When I was a young turkey,
new to the coop,
My big brother Mike
took me out on the stoop;

Then he sat me down,
and he spoke real slow,
And he told me there was
something that I had to know.

His look and his tone
I will always remember,
When he told me of the
horrors of ... Black November;

"Come about August,
now listen to me,
Each day you'll get
six meals instead of just three."

"And soon you'll be thick,
where once you were thin,
And you'll grow a big rubbery
thing under your chin;

And then one morning, when
you're warm in your bed,
In will burst the farmer's wife,
and hack off your head."

"Then she'll pluck out your
feathers so you're bald 'n pink,
And scoop out all your insides
and leave ya lyin' in the sink;

And then comes the worst part,"
he said not bluffing,
She'll spread your cheeks and
pack your rear with stuffing!"

Well, the rest of his words
were too grim to repeat,
I sat on the stoop like
a winged piece of meat;

I decided on the spot that
to avoid being cooked,
I'd have to lay low
and remain overlooked.

I began a new diet
of nuts and granola,
High-roughage salads,
juice and diet cola;

And as they ate pastries,
chocolates and crepes,
I stayed in my room
doing exercise tapes.

I maintained my weight
of two pounds and a half,
And tried not to notice when
the bigger birds laughed;

But 'twas I who was laughing,
under my breath,
As they chomped and they
chewed, ever closer to death.

And sure enough when
Black November rolled around,
I was the last turkey left
in the entire compound!

So now I'm a pet in
the farmer's wife's lap,
I haven't a worry,
so I eat and I nap.

She held me today,
while sewing and humming,

And smiled at me and said
"Christmas is coming ..."

Happy Thanksgiving

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day!

The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!'

So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

And that's how the fight started. . . .

So no one would tell him how to make Adam.

There was a new doctor who, to help pay for his student loans, took a part-time job as a butcher.
This one woman always shopped in that store because he was very knowledgeable about cuts of meat.
One day, the woman had to go into the local hospital for a minor operation. The pre-op preparation went smoothly and she was wheeled into the operating room.
As soon as the operating surgeon walked she let out an awful scream, “Oh, my gawd. It’s MY BUTCHER”

Good one.

A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Pennsylvania State Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said, "I bet you are going to try to sell me a ticket to the Pennsylvania Trooper's Ball." He replied, "Pennsylvania State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence. He closed his ticket book, tipped his hat, got back in his patrol car and left.

Good One!!

I don't get it can you paint me a picture?

Toward the end of a particularly trying round of golf, Jack was the picture of frustration. He’d hit too many far shots. Finally he blurted out to his caddie, “I’d move heaven and earth to break a hundred on this course.” “Try heaven,” replied the caddie. “You’ve already moved most of the earth.”