Factory Joke Thread – October 2015

As I slipped my finger slowly inside her hole, I could immediately feel it getting wetter and wetter.

I took my finger back out and within seconds she was going down on me.

I thought to myself... "I really need a new fricking boat!"

A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the
other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies,
not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head
abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small
error in the first copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error
would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the
original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't
been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the
old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He
sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the R!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With A choking voice, the old abbot replies,
"The word was...
CELEBRATE!!!"

I just received the new catalog from IKEA and ordered a leather couch.
They sent me a dead cow with instructions.

...He used them to torture and eat all the ministers who made mistakes.
Once, one of the ministers gave an opinion which was wrong, and which the king didn’t like at all… So he ordered for the minister to be thrown to the dogs.
So the minister said, "I served you 10 years and you do this..?
Please give me 10 days before you throw me in with those dogs!" So the king agreed…
In those 10 days the minister went to the guard that was guarding the dogs and told him he wants to serve the dogs for the next 10 days…
The guard was baffled… But he agreed… So the minister started feeding the dogs, cleaning them, washing them, providing all sorts of comfort to them.
When the 10 days were up…
The king ordered that the minister be thrown in to the dogs as his punishment.
But when he was thrown in,
Everyone was amazed at what they saw.. They saw the dogs licking the feet of the minister!
So the king, baffled at what he saw, said:” what happened to my dogs. !!!”
The minister then said;” I served the dogs for 10 days and they didn’t forget my service… Yet I served you for 10 years and you forgot all on the first mistake!”…
So the king realised his mistake
and
Got wolves instead.

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment and asked, "What's the catch?".

One morning a blind bunny was hopping down the bunny trail, and he tripped over a large snake and fell, KerPlop!, right on his twitchy little nose. "Oh, please excuse me!" said the bunny. "I didn't mean to trip over you, but I'm blind and can't see."
"That's perfectly all right," replied the snake. "To be sure, it was my fault. I didn't mean to trip you, but I'm blind too, and I didn't see you coming. By the way, what kind of animal are you?"
"Well, I really don't know," said the bunny. "I'm blind, and I've never seen myself. Maybe you could examine me and find out."
So the snake felt the bunny all over, and he said, "Well, you're soft, and cuddly, and you have long silky ears, and a little fluffy tail and a dear twitchy little nose... You must be a bunny rabbit!"
Then he said, "I can't thank you enough, but by the way, what kind of animal are you?"
And the snake replied that he didn't know, and the bunny agreed to examine him, and when he was finished, the snake said, "Well, what kind of an animal am I?"
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and he replied, "You're hard, you're cold, you're slimy and you haven't got any balls... You must be a lawyer."

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, 'Esther, I'd really like to ride in that helicopter.'
Esther always replied, 'I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars'
One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, 'Esther, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance.'
To this, Esther replied, 'Morris that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, 'Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars.'
Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word.
When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!'
Morris replied, 'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars!'

Lawyers get a bad rap...too bad we can't rap them on the head even more. lol

Getting tired of these people who come to my door, telling me I'm gonna burn unless I'm saved...
The flashing lights on their trucks were pretty cool to see, though.

What is better than roses on your piano? Tulips on your organ

One of the world’s greatest hypochondriacs, bumped into his Dr. one day at the supermarket.

“Doc!” the hypochondriac exclaimed, “I’ve been meaning to tell you, remember those voices I kept on hearing in my head? I haven’t heard them in over a week!”

“Wow! What wonderful news! I’m so happy for you!” his Dr. exclaimed.

“Wonderful?” asked the dismal looking hypochondriac. “There’s nothing wonderful about it. I’m afraid my hearing is starting to go now!”

A fisherman and his wife had twin sons named Towards and Away.
Once the boys were grown, the fisherman took them out to sea to learn the family fishing trade.
A week later, the mother saw her husband dock the boat all alone.
"Oh no! What has happened to my darling boys?" she cried.
"We were just one day out to sea, when Towards hooked a great fish. He fought long and hard, but he was pulled over the side and swallowed whole by the fish."
"Oh dear, what a huge, horrible fish that must of been!"
"Yes, it was, but you should have seen the one that got Away."

Good One

Researchers for the Minnesota Department of
Transportation found over 200 dead crows near greater Minneapolis recently, and,
there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the
crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted
that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and
claws.

By analyzing these paint residues, it was determined
that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

The Minnesota DOT then hired an Ornithological
Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the Disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

He very quickly concluded the cause:

When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out
crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger. They discovered that while all the look out crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout
"Truck."

She was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls.
She was unhappy with the women’s type she had been using.
After browsing for several minutes,shewas approached by
one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store.
He asked if he could help her.
Without thinking, she looked at him and said,
”I think I like playing with men’s balls.’’

A desperate looking woman stood poised

on the edge of a high cliff about to jump off.

A filthy tramp wandering by stopped and said,

"Look, since you'll be dead in a few minutes
and it won't matter to you,
how about a sh*g before you go?"

She screamed, "NO!
Bugger off you filthy old b*****d!"

He shrugged and turned away saying,
"Okay, I'll just go and wait at the bottom then."

She didn't jump.........

Did not expect that at all!