Factory Joke Thread – June 2015

Labs are no longer permitted to experiment on rats
It turned out ok,
they experiment on lawyers

1. lab assistants get emotionally attached to the rats
2. you have to feed rats
3. The SPCA cares about rat rights
4. There are some things rats just won't do

Customer: Hi. How much is your paint?
Clerk: Well, sir, that all depends on quite a lot of things.
Customer: Can you give me a guess? Is there an average price?
Clerk: Our lowest price is $12 a gallon, and we have 60 differentprices up to $200 a gallon.
Customer: What's the difference in the paint?
Clerk: Oh, there isn't any difference; it's all the same paint.
Customer: Well, then I'd like some of that $12 paint.
Clerk: When do you intend to use the paint?
Customer: I want to paint tomorrow. It's my day off.
Clerk: Sir, the paint for tomorrow is the $200 paint.
Customer: When would I have to paint to get the $12 paint?
Clerk: You would have to start very late at night in about 3weeks. But you will have to agree to start painting before Friday of thatweek and continue painting until at least Sunday.
Customer: You've got to be ...%#@ kidding!
Clerk: I'll check and see if we have any paint available.
Customer: You have shelves FULL of paint! I can see it!
Clerk: But it doesn't mean that we have paint available. We sellonly a certain number of gallons on any given weekend. Oh, and by theway, the price per gallon just went to $16. We don't have any more $12paint.
Customer: The price went up as we were talking?
Clerk: Yes, sir. We change the prices and rules hundreds oftimes a day, and since you haven't actually walked out of the store with yourpaint yet, we just decided to change. I suggest you purchase your paint assoon as possible. How many gallons do you want?
Customer: Well, maybe five gallons. Make that six, so I'll haveenough.
Clerk: Oh no, sir, you can't do that. If you buy paint and don'tuse it, there are penalties and possible confiscation of the paint youalready have.
Customer: WHAT?
Clerk: We can sell enough paint to do your kitchen, bathroom,hall and north bedroom, but if you stop painting before you do thebedroom, you will lose your remaining gallons of paint.
Customer: What does it matter whether I use all the paint? IAlready paid you for it!
Clerk: We make plans based upon the idea thatall our paint is used, every drop. If you don't, it causes us all sorts ofproblems.
Customer: This is crazy!! I suppose something terrible happensif I don't keep painting until after Saturday night!
Clerk: Oh yes! Every gallonyou bought automatically becomes the $200 paint.
Customer: But what are all these "Paint on sale from $10 alitre" signs?
Clerk: Well that's for our budget paint. It only comes in half-gallons. One $5 half-gallon will do half a room. The second half-gallon tocomplete the room is $20. None of the cans have labels,some are empty and there are norefunds, even on the empty cans.
Customer: I can't believe this! I'll buy what I need somewhereelse!
Clerk: I don't think so, sir. You may be able to buy paint forYour bathroom and bedrooms, and your kitchen and dining room fromsomeone else, but you won't be able to paint your connecting hall and stairwayfrom anyone but us. And I should point out, sir, that if you paint in onlyone direction, it will be $300 a gallon.
Customer: I thought your most expensive paint was $200!
Clerk: That's if you paint around the room to the point at whichYou started. A hallway is different.
Customer: And if I buy $200 paint for the hall, but only paintin one direction, you'll confiscate the remaining paint.
Clerk: No, we'll charge you an extra use fee plus the differenceon your next gallon of paint. But I believe you're getting it now, sir.
Customer: You're insane!
Clerk: Thanks for painting with United.

Good One!

If you want to catch a squirrel...

... just climb a tree and act like a nut.

One day Steve and his wife, Sorrel, were out playing golf.

Everything was going well for Steve until the 7th hole. He sliced his tee shot a mile to the right so he and his wife had to go looking for the ball. Eventually they came across a shed with the door slightly ajar, and surprisingly enough the golf ball was slap bang in the center of the floor.

And so, not wanting to drop a shot, Steve decided to play on instead of taking a penalty by dropping the ball.

Sorrell, noticing that if Steve played a good shot he could get his ball on the green, offered to hold the door open while her husband played the shot. After a lengthy period of sizing up his shot, Steve hit the ball, but struck his wife in the temple with it. She slumped down dead, instantly.

Five years later, Steve found himself on the same golf course, on the same hole, this time with his friend, Jim. So, coincidently, Steve’s tee shot took the exact same path as it did five years ago, and the ball found itself, again, slap bang in the center of the shed.

As Steve thought what to do with his shot, Jim offered to hold the door of the shed open so he could take his shot. But with a look of shock on his face, Steve replied instantly,

“Hell No!!! The last time I tried that it took me 7 shots to get on the green.”

Tere are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life. The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'
He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, ‘um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?' He asks her 'Shall we?' She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions.This time,

I'll hold the pigeon down and you shit on its head.'
*AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING??? *

Who said crows were stupid? lol

You'll just have to read it..

http://www.amazon.com/review/R2QP56S5P2DEGA

You all must heard of the show,"Who wants to be a millionaire" well this newfie (Newfoundlander) in on the show and he asked "Name two days of the week that starts with t". I need to call my father, dad, I am up to 100000$ and asked the question his father replied," son did I raise a fool ? everybody knows that answer is today and tommorow

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, a Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady – I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."

The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or ass sweetie, what are you doing then?"

He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself,' Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride ????

Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
To which the old man replied: "Those fools! They misspelled my name!"

Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'downunder'.

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.

Q: WHY WERE ALL HURRICANES NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet, and when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.

Nominated as the world's best short joke

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.

ARAPROSDOKIANS are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected.
Winston Churchill loved them.

For example:
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
3. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
4. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
5 Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
6. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
7. To steal ideas from someone is plagiarism. To steal from many is called research.
8. In filling in an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they look sexy.
11. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
12. A clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory.
13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
14. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Nor is there any future in it.
15. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
16. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage
17. I am not arguing with you, I am explaining why you are wrong.

• Who was Socrates' worst student? Mediocrities.

• Who was Socrates' busiest student? The one with a lot on his Plato.

• What do you call a flirtatious philosopher: A Socratease.

• What relative did Socrates need after his trial? An Aunty dote.

The hook!!!

https://www.youtube.com/embed/uk2a-MJyM1g

The other day I went over to a nearby Shopper’s Drug Mart.
When I got there, I went straight to the back of the store to where the Pharmacists’ Counter is located. I took out my little brown bottle along with a teaspoon and laid them both onto the counter. The pharmacist came over smiled and asked if he could help me.
I said, "Yes! Could you please taste this for me?"
Being I'm a senior citizen...I guess the Pharmacist just went along with me. He picked up the spoon and put a tiny bit of the liquid on his tongue and swilled it around. Then with a stomach-churning look on his face he spit it out on the floor and began coughing.
When he finally was finished, I looked him right in the eye asked, “Now, does that taste sweet to you?"
The pharmacist, shaking his head back and forth with a venomous look in his eyes yelled,“HELL NO!!!"
So I said, "Oh thank God! That's a real relief! My doctor told me to get a pharmacist to test my urine for sugar!"
Well, I can never go back to that Shopper’s Drug Mart, but I really don't care though, because; they aren’t very friendly there anyway!!!

I think I was Italian,

in a pasta life.

Good One

again!

Good one!!

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer -- you're in the wrong place."
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"

Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."

God replies, "What??? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake -- he should never have gotten down there; send him up here."

Satan says, "No way." I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."

God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"

A lawyer dies in a car accident on his 40th birthday and finds himself greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band. Saint Peter runs over, shakes his hand and says "Congratulations!"
"Congratulations for what?" asks the lawyer.
"Congratulations for what?" says Saint Peter. "We're celebrating the fact that you lived to be 160 years old."
"But that's not true," says the lawyer. "I only lived to be forty."
"That's impossible," says Saint Peter. "We've added up your time sheets."

Booooooo

A lady stood and walked to the podium......
She said, "I have a Praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him.."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagined the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place...."
Again, the men in the congregation were unnerved and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quavering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with relief. The Vicar rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom."
The entire congregation held its breath.......
"I just want to tell my wife that the word is sternum.

YOUCH!!!

What kind of elephant doesn't matter?

The irrelephant!

Now I don't care what you say...that there was funny.

An old man, a boy and a donkey were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey and the old man walked.

As they went along they passed some people who remarked: "What a shame, the old man is walking and the boy is riding."

The man and boy thought maybe the critics were right, so they changed positions.

Later they passed some people who remarked: "What a shame, he makes that little boy walk." So they then decided they'd both walk!

Soon they passed some more people who remarked "They're really stupid to walk when they have a decent donkey to ride."

So, they both rode the donkey.

Now they passed some people who shamed them by saying: "How awful to put such a load on a poor donkey."

The boy and the man figured they were probably right, so they decide to carry the donkey.

As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the donkey and he fell into the river and drowned.

The moral of the story?

If you try to please everyone, you might as well kiss your ass goodbye!

Good one!

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons, so he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bath tub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it "pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits... I can splash it on my eyes if I need to!”

One day I accidentally overturned my golf buggy.
Elizabeth, a very attractive and keen golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, Are you okay, what's your name?"
"Its Jack , and I'm Okay thanks," I replied.
"Jack , forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest a while, and I'll help you get the cart up later."
"That's mighty nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife would like it."
"Oh, come on," Elizabeth insisted.
She was very pretty, very sexy and persuasive... I was weak.
"Well okay," I finally agreed, and added, "but my wife won't like it."
After a restorative brandy, and some creative putting lessons, I thanked my host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be really upset."
"Don't be silly! Elizabeth said with a smile, She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"
"Under the cart!"

I came home from the golf course today, and found a note my wife had left on the refrigerator.
IT’S NOT WORKING.
I CAN’T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
GONE TO STAY WITH MY SISTER
I opened the fridge. The light came on.
The beer was cold.
What the HELL is she talking about?

What did Romans use to cut string? A pair of Caesars.

When Brutus asked Caesar how many oranges he had eaten, he replied: "Et two, Brute."

What did Caesar say to Cleopatra? Toga-ther we can rule the world.

Why did the Romans build straight roads? So their soldiers didn't go around the bend.

Which famous Roman suffered from hayfever? Julius Sneezer.

Who refereed the tennis match between Caesar and Mark Anthony? A Roman Umpire.

Why did Julius Caesar buy crayons? He wanted to mark Antony.

A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:
Husband : -I lost my wife, she went shopping hasn't come back yet. Inspector : -What is her height? Husband : -Average, I guess. Inspector : -Slim or healthy?. Husband : -Not slim, but probably healthy. Inspector : -Color of eyes? Husband : -Never noticed. Inspector : -Color of hair? Husband : -Changes according to season. Inspector : -What was she wearing? Husband : -Not sure, either a dress or a suit. Inspector : -Was she driving? Husband : -Yes. Inspector : -Color of the car?
Husband : -Black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door... and then the husband started crying...
Inspector: -Don't worry sir,...We will find your car.

A family walk into a hotel foyer where they have booked a room. The father walks up to the receptionist and says "I hope the porn is disabled" to which the receptionist replies "no, it's just regular porn, you sick b@stard"

How did Christopher Columbus fund his Voyages?

With a Discovery Card.

Click quote not replay. Please delete.

Oldie but a goldie.

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School.

They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots. She too shares the wine..

Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft on Fifth Avenue , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Phoenix .

Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker. They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in Naples , Florida .

Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her boyfriend, Jim. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow their own vegetables. Jim can stand five parrots, side by side, on his dick.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby storage facility.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama .

Mary says that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

and are waiting in purgatory to hear the results of their life audit. A door opens and two men walk in. An angel walks in with an ugly, hunch backed gremlin of a man. The angel says "Nancy, in 1982 you killed a duck, your punishment will be to spend your eternal life with this man". He slaps the the shackles on each of their arms and are sent off for eternity. A little while later another angel walks in with a gorgeous hunky stud. He slaps the shackle on her and the handsome man and are sent on their way. During their walk shes thinking she must have be a good person during her life on earth, when she's interrupted by the man's muttering "I shouldn't have killed that duck".

Last night I had a dream. I dreamed that Hugh Hefner, publisher of Playboy died and went to Hell. He was trapped in a small room with no doors or windows with an unattractive, hateful woman. A voice boomed out from nowhere and said: "Hugh Hefner, for your sins in life you shall spend eternity with this unattractive hateful woman."
Then I dreamed that Bob Guccione, publisher of Penthouse died and went to Hell. Guccione was in a small room with no doors or windows with a hideous looking, vile, hateful woman. A voice boomed out from nowhere and said: Bob Guccione, for your sins in life you shall spend eternity with this most vile of women.
Then I dreamed that I died and went to Hell. I was trapped in a small room with no windows or doors and in the room with me was Marilyn Monroe. A voice boomed out from nowhere and said:
"Marilyn Monroe, for your sins in life...."

I'm sending this to my lawyer. Great joke!

funny!

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push,” he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it’s 3 am in the morning and it's pouring with rain out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! Drunks are people too you know."

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes," comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing," replies the drunk.

Happy Monday

Jim and Bob were avid golfers, faithfully playing a round of golf every Sunday. One particular Sunday, after the first few holes they found themselves waiting for two very slow playing women to move on, so that they could play the next hole.

Jim took the initiative.

Jim: “Bob, go and ask those two women in front to move over and let us pass will you? We’ll be here forever otherwise.”

Bob: “No worries mate. I won’t be a minute.”

So off trots Bob down the fairway toward the two offending women. But when he gets halfway there he suddenly stops and starts to walk back toward Jim.

Jim: “What’s the matter?”

Bob: “I can’t go down there.”

Jim: “Why not?”

Bob “Well it’s those women. One’s my wife and the other’s my mistress.”

Jim: “No worries mate. I’ll go.”

So off he goes, but when he gets halfway Jim turns around and heads back to Bob.

Bob: “Well?”

Jim: “It’s a small world.”

Good One!!!

It really is a small world...LOL