Factory Joke Thread – June 2015

Jack n' Jill
Went up the hill
Each with a buck n' a Qutar

Jill came down
With two fifty
Do ya think they
Went up for wata?

Good One!

Have a great day

Jill was very entrepreneurial !!!!!

Newly Weds check into their hotel.

After a long day of seeing the local sights, they retire for the night. As their undressing the man looks at his new wife and throws his pants to her and says Honey Put These On. The bride says what on earth for. Husband says humor me try them on.

Wife goes along with request and tries on the pants. Honey she says I could never wear these. Man replies that's right, and as long as we are together I will wear the pants in this family.

Few minutes later wife comes out of bathroom in bra and panties. As she wiggles out of her panties and throws them to her husband. I tried yours now you try mine. With some protest he tries them on, but can only get them to his knees. He says I can't get in these.

The wife replied And Your Not Going To as long as you have that attitude.

Oh so true...and he never will...lol

>
> Growing Old is not for Wimps.
> >
> >HELL TO GET OLD...
> >
> >Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man
> > walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.
> >
> >One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry
> >Syndrome.
> >
> >Those people walk just like that."
> >
> >The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has
> >Zovitzki Syndrome.
> > He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."
> >
> >Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They
> approached him
> >and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and
> couldn't help
> >but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might
> >have.
> >
> >Could you tell us what it is?"
> >
> >The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine
> >medical students think."
> >
> >The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome."
> >
> >The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
> >
> >The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome."
> >
> >The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."
> >
> >So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"
> >
> >The old man said, "I thought it was GAS - but I was wrong, too!"
> >

Heard this before but makes me laugh every time ...

A Dad and his son were discussing the son's upcoming birthday.

The son tells his dad that since he will soon be eighteen, he will no longer abide by the 11 PM curfew.

The dad calmly replies, see that car, it is nowhere near seventeen years old.

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."

The lawyer thought for a moment and asked, "What's the catch?".

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, "you're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker".

The man quickly responds, "the attorney's".
The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"
The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney's probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's!"

Can you cry under water?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in".. But it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

What disease did cured ham actually have?

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?

Can a hearse carrying a corpse drive in the carpool lane ?

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Why Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him for a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?

I saw a sign in a parking lot saying, "Thieves want your sat nav!"

"Well they can get lost."

No doubt a C & D letter from Andrew Dice Clay's lawyers is on the way.

They weren't in my pockets or purse. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband: "I must left my keys in the car and it's been stolen." There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice.

"Are you kidding me?" he barked, "I dropped you off!"

Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, "Well, would you please come and get me."

He retorted, "I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your damn car!"

Welcome to the golden years...

In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked: "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded: "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you’re a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked: "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?"

She again replied: "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can’t build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him".
The defense attorney nearly died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and, in a very quiet voice, said:

"If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."

There was a woman who really loved the actors, Robert Redford and Paul Newman. In fact she liked them so much that she wanted to get a picture tattoo of both men placed each side high up on her upper, inner thighs. I mean right up there next to the great divide.

The girl went to the tattoo parlor and asked the artist if he could depict the likeness of the two actors on her thigh. The tattoo artist assured the girl that he was very capable of rendering a portrait of both men in the form of a tattoo.

The woman stripped off her dress and underwear and laid back on the bench in a spread-eagle fashion. After about two hours the artist told the woman that he was finished and the rendition of the two men came out perfectly. The woman looked down toward her private area and said, “it’s hard for me to tell from looking upside down on the portraits if they really look like the two men. Are you certain that the tattoos look OK?"

To assure the woman he had done a good job the tattoo artist said he would get an unbiased opinion from someone on the street and the first person he found happened to be the town drunk. The artist brings the man in the shop so he could observe his handiwork and told the drunk, “tell this customer what you see.”

With the woman's bottom staring at him the drunk slurred, “right there on one side is ol’ Robert Redford! There on the other side is ol’ Paul Newman! And right there in the middle is ol’ Willie Nelson!”

• What do you call it when a dinosaur is involved in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck.

• What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

• What do you call a blind dinosaur? Adoyouthinkhesaurus.

• What do you get if you cross a pig with a dinosaur? Jurassic Pork.

Two men were applying for a job. One was a cocky college graduate that thought he knew everything. The other was a simple, good ole country boy. The man doing the interview said "I'm going to give you a question and whoever can answer will get the job"

"A man gets married and on his wedding night the bride comes in and gets on the left side of the bed and lies down facing the wall. The groom takes a shower and then comes and gets in the middle of the bed facing the wall. What is the man's name?"

The college boy says immediately, "sir, based on those few facts, there is no way to determine the man's name"

The ole country boy thinks for a minute, then he says "well, I know his first name but I'm still struggling with his last name."

"Really?" the man says looking confused. "So what do think is this man's name?"

"Well", he slowly replies, "I know his first name is Willie, so his name is either Willie Taylor or Willie Turner."

Book hiss.. Who's got the bag of rotten maters, lemmons, grapefruit and oranges?

"None for me, thanks. That Skoal will do a number on your teeth.""Hey, shut up! I can't hear the race.""Dating your own sister? Man, that's sick!""My God, this is a splendid Merlot!""Hey, you with the large chest. Out of the way! We're trying to watch a race here!""Chesterton, be a good lad and retrieve the Wall Street Journal from my attache case.""What a coincidence, Hank. All my friends are boycotting Hooters, too!""These are even better seats than we had for the Lionel Richie concert!""Whew! No more beer for me, fellas.""And now... Singing our National Anthem, international recording artist, Boy George!"

IN GENERAL
1. Never take a beer to a job interview.
2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.
3. It's considered tacky to take a cooler to church.
4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.
5. Even if you're certain that you are included in the will, it is
still considered tacky to drive a U-Haul to the funeral home.

DINING OUT
1. When decanting wine, make sure that you tilt the paper cup, and pour
slowly so as not to "bruise" the fruit of the vine.
2. If drinking directly from the bottle, always hold it with your
fingers covering the label.

ENTERTAINING IN YOUR HOME
1. A centerpiece for the table should never be anything prepared by a
taxidermist.
2. Do not allow the dog to eat at the table...no matter how good his
manners are.

PERSONAL HYGIENE
1. While ears need to be cleaned regularly, this is a job that should
be done in private using one's OWN truck keys.
2. Proper use of toiletries can forestall bathing for several days.
However, if you live alone, deodorant is a waste of good money.
3. Dirt and grease under the fingernails is a social no-no, as they
tend to detract from a woman's jewelry and alter the taste of her
finger foods.

DATING (Outside the Family)
1. Always offer to bait your date's hook, especially on the first date.
2. Be aggressive. Let her know you're interested: "I've been wanting to
go out with you since I read that stuff on the fillin' station bathroom
wall two years ago."
3. Establish with her parents what time she is expected back. Some will
say 10:00 PM; Others might say "Monday." If the latter is the answer,
it is the man's responsibility to get her to school on time.

THEATER ETIQUETTE
1. Crying babies should be taken to the lobby and picked up immediately
after the movie has ended.
2. Refrain from talking to characters on the screen. Tests have proven
they can't hear you.

WEDDINGS
1. Livestock, usually, is a poor choice for a wedding gift.
2. Unless you are the groom, kissing the bride for more than 5 seconds
may get you shot.
3. For the groom, at least, rent a tux. A leisure suit with a
cummerbund
and a clean bowling shirt can create a tacky appearance.
4. Though uncomfortable, say "yes" to socks and shoes for this special
occasion.

DRIVING ETIQUETTE
1. Dim your headlights for approaching vehicles; Even if the gun is
loaded, and the deer is in sight.
2. When approaching a four-way stop, the vehicle with the largest tires
always has the right of way.
3. Never tow another car using panty hose and duct tape.
4. When sending your wife down the road with a gas can, it is impolite
to ask her to bring back beer.

Q: Why do dogs lick themselves?

A: Because they can.

1. No one will kill you for NOT drinking beer
2. Beer has never caused a war or genocide
3. Beer does not care if you don't like beer
4. No one will knock on your door and insist you drink their brand of beer
5. You won't be hung, tortured, or burned at the stake over your choice of beer
6. You don't have to wait >2000 years for the second beer
7. You don't have to die to meet the brewmaster
8. You can prove beer is real
9. Beer doesn't care about your sex life

& beer makes you not care whether there is ten in the list

An airline captain was helping a new blonde flight attendant prepare for her first overnight trip. Upon their arrival, the captain showed the flight attendant the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.

The next morning as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day's route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up to ask what happened to her.

She answered the phone, crying, and said, "I can't get out of the room!"

"You can't get out of your room?" the captain asked. "Why not?"

She replied, "There are only three doors in here," she sobbed, "one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'!"

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 in the morning. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed.
Just then, his wife sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."

"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the dark room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store.

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "I know you - aren't you a policeman? Officer Fenwick, right?"

"Yeah, so?" said the officer.

"Well what the heck are you doing all dressed like the Fire Chief?"

A group from Chicago spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas. One of the men on that trip won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so he decided not to return with the others, but took a later plane home -- arriving back around 3 a.m.
He immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it.
The following morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man.
Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the
professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house.

"You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my $100,000, I am going to kill him!" he screamed at the professor. The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language, "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."
The professor turned to the man with the gun and said, "He's
not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."

GOOD ONE

I just ran into Bill Gates! Dumbest thing, but he taught me how to count to 10:

1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, ME, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10.

Ain't Common Core wunderful?

Good One!!!!

In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth... After that, everything else was made in China.

I hold in my hand a device that gives me instant access to nearly all knowledge mankind has ever obtained.

I use it to look at pictures of cats and to have arguments with people I've never even met.

Happy Tuesday

A Californian man has invented a robotic parking attendant. He's calling it the Silicon Valet.

What do you call a line of rabbits all jumping backwards?

A receideing hair line!!!

A: Because it needed a filling.

A woman and her twelve-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Detroit. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under awnings.

"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the Truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers "Yes".

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, if those women have babies, what happens to them?"

She said" "Most of them become taxi drivers."

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new Doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills.

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL Pills?

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

“Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee...."Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old Granddaughter drinks. and believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night."

A young woman joined the army and signed up with the paratroopers. She went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take her first jump from an airplane. The next day, she called home to tell her mother the news.
 
'So, did you jump?' asked the mother.

"Well, let me tell you what happened," the girl said. "We got up in the plane, and the sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen people got up and just walked out of the plane." 

"Is that when you jumped?" asked her mother. 

"Uh, no. The sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and throw them out the door.” 

"Did you jump then?" asked her mother.

"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last one left on the plane. I told the sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my butt." 

"So, did you jump?'' 

"No. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go.  Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five, and 250 pounds. He said to me, "Are you gonna jump or not?'' 

I said, 'No sir, I'm too scared.'" 

"So the Jump Master pulled down his zipper and took out his you-know-what. I swear, Mom, it was about ten inches long and big around as a baseball bat! He said, 'Either you jump out that door, or I'm sticking this little baby up your ass.'"

"So, did you jump?" asked her mother.

"Well, a little, at first."

 How did brave Egyptians write? In hero-glyphics.

Why couldn't the mummy answer the phone? She was tied up.

 Why do mummies not tell secrets? They keep everything under wraps.

What was the most popular kids' movie in Ancient Greece? Troy Story.

An elderly Irish man lay dying on his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite cheese scones wafting up the stairs. He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom and, with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.
With laboured breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for deaths agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon the waxed paper of the the kitchen table, were dozens of his favourite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Irish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a rumpled posture. His parched lips parted. He could almost taste the cheese scone before it was in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to the nearest scone at the edge of the table, when his hand was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife...
"Clear off" she said, "They're for the funeral."

They performed unspeakable acts on her.

Ma and Pa were two hillbillies living out on a farm up in the hills.

Pa has found out that the hole under the outhouse is full. He goes into the house and tells Ma that he doesn't know what to do to empty the hole.

ma says, "Why don't you go ask the young'n down the road? He must be smart 'cause he's a college grad-jyate."

So Pa rides down to the neighbor's house and asks him, "Mr. College grad-jyate, my outhouse hole is full, and I don't know what to do to empty it."

The young'n tells him, "Get yourself two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. Put them both under the outhouse and light them both at the same time. The first one will go off and shoot the outhouse in the air. While it's in the air the second one will then go off and spread the poop all across your farm, fertilizing your ground. The outhouse should then come back down to the same spot atop the now-empty hole."

Pa thanks the neighbor, then drives to the hardware store and picks up two sticks of dynamite, one with a short fuse and one with a long fuse. He goes home and puts them under the outhouse. He then lights them and runs behind a tree.

All of a sudden, Ma comes running out of the house and into the outhouse! Off goes the first stick of dynamite, shooting the outhouse into the air. BOOM!

Off goes the second stick of dynamite, spreading poop all over the farm. Then, WHAM! The outhouse comes crashing back down atop the hole.

Pa races to the outhouse, throws open the door and asks, "Ma, are you all right?"As she pulls up her panties she says, "Yeah, but I'm sure glad I didn't fart in the kitchen!"

There's not supposed to be any form of ignition in an outhouse

Forty years ago today, I graduated from high school.

Forty years ago tomorrow, I married my high school sweetheart. I first saw her when I walked into 7th grade home room. I was smitten. But for the next two years, she barely noticed me.

At a 9th grade mixer, she was standing along the wall with friends. When a slow dance began, I asked her to dance. She declined. ~90 minutes later, I asked again. Her friends snickered, but encouraged her. We danced. She smelled and felt wonderful. We've been together ever since.

Ours was the typical fairytale, high school romance. I was on the football team and she was on the faculty.

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired.

At her next checkup, the new Doctor told her To bring a list of all the medicines that had
been prescribed for Her.

As The young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide As he realized Grandma
had a prescription for birth control Pills..

"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL Pills?

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in These that that could possibly help
you sleep!"

She reached out and Patted the young Doctor's knee...."Yes, dear, I know that. But every
morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old Granddaughter
drinks ... .And believe me, it definitely helps me sleep at night."

A fact you won't soon forget... 

         Researchers for the  Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston  recently, and there was concern that  they may have died from Avian  Flu.
 
        A  Bird  Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and,  
         to everyone's relief,  confirmed the problem was definitely NOT
         Avian Flu.  The cause of death  appeared to be vehicular
         impacts.
 
        However,  during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors  
         of paints appeared  on the bird's beaks and claws.
 
         By analyzing these paint residues it was  determined that 98% of  
         the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while  only 2% 
         were killed by an impact with a car.
 
        MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if  
         there was a cause for  the disproportionate percentages of truck kills 
         versus car  kills. 
        He very  quickly concluded the cause:  When crows eat road
         kill, they always have a  look-out crow in a nearby tree to 
         warn of impending danger.
 
          They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout  
         "Cah", not a single one  could shout "Truck."

What's the difference between a lawyer and a snake?
When you run over a snake, you don't back up to make sure it's dead.

A lawyer was on his deathbed in his bedroom, and he called to his wife.

She rushed in and said, "What is it, honey?"

He told her to run and get the bible as soon as possible. Being a religious woman, she thought this was a good idea. She ran and got it, prepared to read him his favorite verse or something of the sort.

He snatched it from her and began quickly scanning pages, his eyes darting right and left.

The wife was curious, so she asked, "What are you doing, honey?"

"I'm looking for loopholes!" he shouted.